Hello and ... - a letter to you
[I don’t know why, but I had to write this down, somehow... ò,Ó]
When I look back in time, four years exactly, I was happy. It was the first time, when I met you in person. It was summer and I was sitting in this damp hot train on my way to you. Six hours full of waiting, six hours they didn't want to end. At that time, I felt as if my heart would be blown away when you would touch me for the first time. And all I could think of, was the time, when we first encountered eachother.
We weren't strangers, more or less. We met in a chatroom, and we were really pissed at each other, because of reasons I don't know anymore, when we wrote together for the first time. But I was enchanted by your picture and so I decided to jump over my own shadow and apologised to you and asked for a recommencement. And you agreed. I remembered the weeks who followed after our second talk and it was a really nice time. You were so lovely to me, listened to my sorrows and I listened to yours. We talked about tattoos, music, hobbies, fashion and ex girlfriends or boyfriends. Sometimes, we drew pictures over Paint, just to laugh at ourself, because we really sucked at it. But we didn't care, it was fun and it didn't took long until we made our first phone call. You tried to speak a more or less standard german, but you failed and I still could hear your bavarian accent. You really sounded like a dork, but that was okay, because in some way it was cute.
It didn't took long for me, to fell for you and your charm. And it didn't took long for you, to call me >my wifie<. And I really liked the idea of being yours.
Some nights, when I couldn't sleep, you called me just to calm me down or tell me, how dear I was to you. And I could sleep, even when I cried seconds before. You even called before we had to go to work and it was always dear to me, how you woke me up just to tell me: >good morning, my wifie. I hope you slept well.<
Even when I lost my job and my hopes because my depression hit me with fullspeed, you cheered me up.
And so, I was sitting in this train who took me to you. And the time didn't flew away but it stood still for me. From second to second I grew more and more twitchy and so I played with the seam of my two different colored overknees and my black dress while I read my book. The train rumbled and pressed into the bend and rushed across fields, woods and citys at the way from me to you. With every breath that I took and every heartbeat it pulled me towards you.
But the time played some tricks at me and it felt, as if one minute were ten.
A strand of my pink hair fell into my face and I played with it, wraped it around my finger to just put it behind my ear.
Yeah, I had pink hair at that time, but it suited me well, since I was a young woman within her twenties and I was thin and good looking.
A message from you pulled me out of my dreams about you. It wasn't something special, just a simple: >45 minutes to go! Can't wait to hold you in my arms<. I smiled like a dork in love, because I was a dork in love. I wrote back and smiled silently, while I watched the landscape flew by.
Still three minutes until my destionation. I was so nervous to met you, that I opened my braids to just remake them. Nervously, I blew my breath through my nosetrills.
And we texted again, now nearly every minute how many time still was to go.
The train manning announced my destination, finally. And I hurried to get my belongings together and walked through the mass of people to reach the exit.
I was hibbling from foot to foot and again, it felt as if time was stretching itself like a bubblegum.
One minute to go. Left... right... left...right... Again, I checked my hair in the reflection of the window. Watched the landscape flew by and again jumped from my right foot to my left.
Endless seconds later, the railyard came in sight and I was in high mood. But until the train abruptly jerked to a halt, it took several seconds who stretched endlessly, again.
The doors opened with a fizzle and a loud clack, but every second went three times by.
I took a step at the strange mainstation and suddenly I was afraid you wouldn't be there. And so I searched for you. Searched for your face, what was so dear and familiar to me. I searched for the desciption of you, you gave me that day. What you'd wear. How you would look.
And then, you were there. You stood there. You, the man I adored for the last months. You, who took all the space in my mind.
I was stunned and so I plucked all my courage and ran the last metre into your arms to hug you, letting go of my luggage who just fell to my ankles and hit the floor. I huddled my face to your chest and suspired your odour.
I raised my head to look into your eyes, just to hesistate for seconds, what was born out of my reddened face, to finally kiss you – for the first time.
„Hello“
Today, I'm cuddling with my cats and talking to my friends, and I'm smiling like I never did in our relationship. You're no longer a part of my life.
I don't want to say, it was your fault that it ended that way. But a huge part goes to your account. I still don't know, where we went wrong. But to be honest, after three years full of tears and trying to save a relationship who simply didn't work, I don't care anymore. My last weeks were full of tears, before I finally left you. Or you left me. I don't know who left who. But I think, that doesn't even matter, because nothing was right between us, anymore.
I felt misserable enough. I cried, I screamed and I hid myself between my sheets and pillows. I was so afraid to meet your new girlfriend you took home, three days after we broke up.
I was broken. Not that I still loved you. It was, simple said, injured pride. You tried to talk to me. And I was screaming at you, swearing and I was abusive against her. You even took her into our bed while I was sleeping in a spare room, right next to your room. You didn't even care how I felt about that.
I was sad, that it was so easy for you to replace me so easily after telling me, nearly a week before, you're loving me.
But I couldn't return your feelings anymore for nearly a year at this time. It wasn't possible for me to just go away. Because you still meant something to me. At some point, I just gave up and decided, for the best, to just leave you. But I couldn't find a flat to live in. It was depressing. And so I had to play the loving girlfriend I wasn't anymore. And then, my world crumbled. I couldn't take it any longer and decided to sleep alone in that spare room. You screamed at me, I screamed at you. You still demanded me, like always, to be the girlfriend you wanted me to be. But it wasn't possible for me. I never was the perfect girlfriend to you. Because all you needed was a doll, you can throw into a corner if you doesn't need her. And take her, when you have needs that have to be served.
But I'm a human being. I have wishes for my future and desires you never cared about. I wanted to marry, I wanted children.
Nothing was dear to you. Not even my health, nor my belongings. And that made me really sick. My therapist talked to me, to leave you for more than two years. That the bruises all over my body wouldn't disappear, even when I would be the doll you wanted me to be. I nearly cried every time I was talking to him. But I couldn't escape that hell you called relationship. I was so wracked of guilt you persuaded into my brain that I believed all what you said.
Still, I was depended on you and I knew it was dangerous.
You don't know, how deep my depresion hit me in the time we were together. I can't count the times when I wanted to throw myself into the deepest abyss to just escape you. I nearly cut myself to escape a world you lived in. Noone knew at that moment, what I was thinking. Noone, not even my dearest friends, and I felt so guilty, because I couldn't tell them.
And then all fell apart in one night. Three days later, I found a flat for myself, you got your girlfriend and it wasn't that long until I could move from bavaria, back to my homeland.
I didn't show up while you were home. I hid myself, packed my belogings together while you were at work, and one day I was gone.
I didn't said a word of goodbye to you, and I'm not up to do so. Because, I don't wish you a goodbye. I just wish you: nothing. I don't care about you anymore. You don't matter anymore to me.
I'm free, like a Djin who got freed out of his lamp. And I'm smiling like I never did in my entire life before.
I don't know how my future will turn out.
But I'm more than ever clear about one thing:
It wasn't my fault. And I'll chase after my dreams, who lay right to my feet, countless. Boundless. I'll never let anyone step at them, again.
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
romaincrisis
stormborns
titsay