if this gets 10k notes by my birthday, March 10th, i will FINALLY finish all those embroidery projects i started, and maybe even look into getting a therapist
Summary: You’d never understood why Bucky never seemed interested in physical intimacy. When you find out, you realize it goes deeper than you ever thought.
Note: For my ‘Don’t Touch Me’ square on my @marvel-smash-bingo card!
Your sex life was not bad in these last few months you’ve been dating Bucky. That wasn’t to say it was particularly good, either.
You hadn’t had sex with him at all. You hadn’t even got past a little bit of making out. And there was nothing wrong with that, either. Maybe he was just shy. And he was a real quiet guy when he was around anybody but you, so you knew that that was a possibility.
He was also born in 1917, so there could be just more of an awkwardness around the topic for him. You obviously had no idea what Sex Ed was like in the 1930s, but you knew that it definitely wasn’t great.
Maybe he just wasn’t interested in sex at all. And that was perfectly fine, too. He could be asexual. Or gray-asexual. Or demisexual. And you were by no means a homophobe. If he wasn’t into it, he wasn’t into it and that was that. You would certainly not be upset or—God forbid—angry over something like that.
But the thing that plagued your mind after he ran off somewhere after kissing you for a little too long was the why. He’d never said a word about sexual attraction—you’d never had that conversation before. You didn’t really know how to bring it up.
Part of you wondered if you were the problem. Was he just not attracted to you? Was there just one tiny detail on you that completely made him not want you in that way? Fuck, did you smell bad?
You pushed the thought away. But you did know that you needed to have this discussion with him. Mainly in case that last reason was it.
As if right on cue, he walked into the kitchen of your apartment.
“Hey, doll.” He smiled, wrapping his arms around you and swaying you from side to side.
“Howdy howdy. I didn’t hear you come in.” You grinned. “You’ll give me a heart attack one day.”
“Sorry,” he replied sheepishly.
The rest of the night went on as usual. At least, until halfway through the night—perhaps early morning—when you were awoken by the sound of muttering.
Now, to be very honest, you thought about muttering ‘shut up’ back, before you remembered that you were a real person and not a dinosaur like you’d been dreaming about.
You sat up, looking over at your boyfriend. Another bad dream.
You kneeled above him, opening your mouth to say something to wake him up. And once again, as if on cue, he woke up. He sat up quickly, bonking you in the head with his own skull.
“Fuck—“ You hissed as your eyes watered slightly. “Bucky, you’re okay, you’re okay, it was a dream, it’s over.” You attempted to reassure him as you reached out.
“Don’t touch me,” he pleaded. “Don’t touch me. Please.” The way he said it made your stomach flip.
“I’m not.” You promised. “I won’t. I won’t. You’re okay, you’re safe. It’s me. Jus’ me and you.”
He seemed to relax at that as he laid back down. And then—very surprisingly—fell right back asleep.
Normally his nightmares were more of a major thing, so this was certainly a surprise. You frowned, before you yourself eventually fell back asleep.
The next morning, you woke up alone, with the faint smell of breakfast coming in through the room. You walked out of your bedroom and to the kitchen, greeting your boyfriend.
“Mornin’,” you hummed.
“Good morning, doll. Did you sleep good?” He asked innocently, as if he didn’t remember the night’s…revelations.
“Yeah.” You murmured back. And then you decided to finally grow some balls and ask.
“Bucky? Can I talk to you about something serious?”
“Sure.” His brows furrowed slightly. “Always, hon. What’s goin’ on?”
“Is there a reason you don’t want to have sex with me?”
He practically turned to stone.
“What?” He croaked out.
“There’s nothing wrong about it! I’m just—it’s stupid. I’m sorry, I’m being an asshole. Never mind—“ You wanted to simultaneously beat the absolute shit out of yourself and bury yourself.
“No, you’re not.” He cut you off. “I—should’ve told you earlier. About this. It’s—it’s not you, I promise. I..I want to have..sex with you and all of that stuff. I do, really. It’s just—there’s..some stuff.”
Your brows furrowed as you took on a concerned and empathetic expression. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s—it’s okay. I do. It’s important to me that I tell you.” He explained. “But—it gets kinda heavy. Are you okay with..hearing all of that?”
You nodded. “Yes, babe. I am.”
“When I was—when I was the Winter Soldier, HYDRA would torture me. You know that. They’d…’punish’ and ‘train’ me in ways that..fucked me up. Clearly. One of those ways was through sex.” He admitted, fiddling with his hands.
Your mouth went dry. You didn’t really know what to say. Or to do, even. Did you comfort him? Say anything at all?
“I know you would never do that to me. I promise—I’m positive and comfortable in the fact that you wouldn’t ever do anything to me without my permission.” He assured you, making eye contact. “You’ve made it perfectly clear that I can say ‘no’ and can make my own decisions without any form of punishment.”
You nodded slowly.
“But it’s just—it’s hard, y’know? Like, how I get all..jumpy and ‘PTSD-y’ on the Fourth of July because of the fireworks. It’s like that, but with..sex, and being naked and stuff like that. It doesn’t have anything to do with the Fourth of July, just like it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s just..a thing that happens in those circumstances.” He explained. “I don’t—I’m sorry. I don’t want to be like this, I promise.”
You could see his nose was getting red and his eyes were beginning to water.
“I don’t want to be broken.” He blinked away some tears, wiping the ones that escaped his eyes with the side of his hand.
“Baby, no. Oh, baby. No, you’re not broken. Honey, you’re not. I promise.” You comforted. You opened your arms for a hug and he wrapped his arms around you.
When he was ready, he continued. “It was mostly men. There weren’t any women in HYDRA up until like..2010. But sometimes they’d sell me—and I mean literally sell me—off to certain powerful women for a variety of purposes. And I didn’t have a choice.” He murmured.
“I know, baby. It wasn’t your fault. None of that was ever your fault.” You said softly.
He nodded slowly. “I do..want that. I want to do that with you, it’s just—it’s hard.”
“I know. Thank you for telling me. And we can take it slow. And if you realize you’re not into it at all—no shame. No judgement. Not from me.” You promised.
He nodded. “Dr. Raynor—when she was my therapist she..she uh, pushed on the subject.” He confessed. Your brows furrowed.
“She what?”
“I was mad about it then. And I still think she could’ve gone about it in better ways, but she gave me something useful, so..at least there’s that.” He hummed. “She suggested showering and taking baths together. For..non-sexual intimacy.”
“You wanna try that?” You met his eyes, the beautiful blue eyes that captivated you.
He nodded slowly. “If you're comfortable with it, yeah.”
“Okay. We can try that, babe.” You pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“I love you.” He murmured. You’d heard him say it before, you’d worked your way up to it, but neither one of you really wanted to hold back that feeling from each other.
“I love you too. No matter what.” You swore.
A/n: two Oneshots on the same day? Shocking, I know. Really wanted to bring hydra trash party and reader insert fics together. This was low key inspired by me and an ex (we’re on good terms dw), and it feels very important to me.
"Zemo you just want me so you can get too bucky. Do you think I will let my guard down ?.. I won't ever I will never allow you to take bucky back to hydra. " Zemo replied I'm surprised you actually want a book on cooking from sokoiva". You look down "I've never tried it. but you always smelled so delicious I wanted to taste the food myself. " Zemo smirks, "I would love to teach you how to cook it properly draga. If you would let me in the tower I can teach you". you chuckle, nice try but I'm not inviting you into the tower. you let out a small whine as another cramp causes you to double over in pain. Zemo whispers his voice slightly thicker. you know draga it will only get worse, I've studied wolves if they don't have an alpha mate them they often go feral, or they are attacked by hunters because they are weaker. Clint walks back in holding a frozen coffee. "the Cinnabon place was closed". Zemo why are you here he asks with a death glare". you pick up your books and take them to the checkout counter. Zemo speaks softly "I came to apologize to y/n after I heard about what happened I realized it was all my fault." Clint checks on you over his shoulder what do u mean? I already know u hurt her last night are you telling me you don't remember doing that? Zemo looks down no I heard about the 8 dead bodies they found outside of a bar. they were all mauled by some animal 4 blocks from where she threw me through the wall. Clint whispers that's why she was drunk last night when we found her.
What do you mean? Clint, where did you find y/n? Clint checks on you again before replying. Bucky and I heard her scream and ran to her room to find her in the shower with all her clothes on, trying to frantically wash off she was saying it won't come off it won't come off. we had to give her some medicine to calm her down so we could find out what happened. bucky slept in his room with her to make sure she was ok. she came to the bookstore trying to feel better hence the coffee. you walk back over to Clint. "im checked out can we go now I do not want that smell getting on my jacket I just washed it" Zemo looks up at you "I am sorry for my actions draga but I meant what I said. " you glare at him "stay away from my human Zemo that's a warning. with that you disappear having teleported back to the tower. clint goes to talk to bucky. "bucky did you know she killed 8 people last night ? " bucky looks up from cleaning his guns "no but that would explain why she was so drunk last night I thought zemo had tried to trigger her and she managed to get away but that makes a lot more sense. Clint says zemo showed up at the book store he apologized to her but then threatened her because she won't come with him. bucky gets up and walks out to the kitchen where you are curled up reading under the counter. you look up at him and say softly I'm not mad at you anymore I understand you just wanted me to rest so I didn't get sick. y/n you killed 8 people last night why didn't you tell me that this morning? bucky stands there with his arms crossed looking very irritated waiting for an answer. you look down I don't remember doing it bucky I had no idea when zemo tried to bite me everything went black and then black I woke up next to you. bucky kneels on one knee and gently tilts your head back to make you look directly in the eyes with him . bucky i promise i didnt know . bucky gets up and walks back over to clint . " she says she dosent remember any thing and i can tell her in her eyes the the only thing she remembers is me triggering her to pass out . she has trama from zemo he used to taunt her and he was quite cruel to her he put her in the chair more made her fight more often it was like he was on a mission to make her kill him and then one night she snapped thats the night she still has nightmares about we almost escaped but she blacked out again and i was the only one around she attacked me and we both woke up in the med bay the doctors say the only reason i didnt bleed out was because my heart was beating so slowly from the extreme cold from the winter . i dont know why but she didnt leave me they said she was trying to get me too wake up when they found us. after that they kept her separated from me i would hear her screams i have no idea what he did to her but it must be pretty traumatic for her to switch personalities for hours like that . clint whispers keep an eye on her he might tell the police they might come asking questions. it dosent matter if she doesn't remember doing it she did it . she said something about a scent getting in her jacket at the store she just washed it . bucky looks over towards the kitchen before whispering cherry blossoms she told me before thats what he smells like normally i imagine now he smells like that plus the scent of an alpha. the two walk over to the kitchen to find you asleep with your blanket and a book in top in your lap.
zemo couldn't sleep the scent of you drove him mad he wanted nothing more than to rut deep inside of you . he was fascinated with you while u were at hydra. he had a soft spot for you that was why he would train your harder, he didnt want you being replaced. when he almost lost you he separated you from the soldier, unless the two of you were sparing or on a mission. he couldnt out his finger on it but he didnt want to let you go unfortunately him pushing you so hard caused him to one of the first ones you attacked when you finally did snap it was terrifying. he wanted to teach you how to cook the dishes from his home land sonce you seemed so intrigued by them . he knew he had to bring the soldier back with or without you he snarled at the thought of them hurting you again he get up to take a shower hoping it would help he allowed the water to run he leaned his head back trying to calm him self .
Ouuhhhyheaaa ouuhyhaaa ,FINALLY! FINISHED SOMETHING BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS
First of all thank you all soooo soo much for following or just liking my art, support means alot to me , second you are all so talented and so sweet! even if you don't create content you are all so cool!! Yes you reading this ,you are so cool!! And for last...
Happy new year's eve, may all your dreams come true!
Pairings: Thor x Reader x Loki | Word Count: 5616
Warnings: Angst, Smut, NSFW, fluff
The water had done little to help soothe the ache in your heart. You’d made dinner for slightly more than one, cleaned the kitchen, and after changing into Loki’s sweater and Thor’s sweatpants you made your way into the library like you did every night. The fireplace lit with the flick of a switch, and you settled onto the wide lounge chair with the comforters from Thor and Loki’s beds.
You couldn’t choose a room. Couldn’t pick one over the other. But you were desperate for the scent of them and found sleeping on the big couch wrapped in both of their bedding served you well enough, though you dreaded the day their scent faded.
With the fire burning, you picked up the latest of the books you were working your way through. Loki’s library was vast, and you knew it would take years to read them all, but he’d touched them, read them, absorbed these pages. You would read until you couldn’t keep your eyes open, then you would sleep with the fire burning to keep the darkness at bay.
You couldn’t keep the loneliness or the sadness away, but at least you could fight off the demons which came in the dark to torment your mind with the screams of your dying loves.
germansingergirl
gummygunk
origamiaround
blakekathryn
areudirty
