littleseasheep

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

I am genuinely happy, Darling. This warmth turns into endless joy as I lower my face onto your skin and intent to kiss it, but that undefeated smile makes me unable to continue. A string of laughter leaves my chest, happiness trying to free itself as there is no more space left for it inside my body. It has to reach you, for it was yours all along. The feeling living in me, it belongs to you, I am only a place where it is alive and thriving. To love you is to care for it, to feed it and make place for it to grow and evolve.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

Love is

warmth pooling on your skin

when they touch it, feel it,

like no one's ever did.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

i'm geniuenly fucking tweaking

i'm done

i cannot do this

i'm shaking and still fucking smiling because i'm a step away from bawling my eyes out

i need to study but i can't

i can't focus

i'm trying to memorize, understand, take notes but i CAN'T

I CAN'T because i feel sick

my stomach, my head and almost everything, even my skin

they are killing me

i feel fucking trapped

it was gone for some time and now it came back

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

i love the feeling of your body fitting right into mine

whenever you stand behind me and pull me closer so we're pressed together

whenever we lay down and our flesh and bones fit together perfectly as if they were made to be together

whenever our hands intertwine and our fingers complete the gaps between the other one's

whenever you lay your head on my shoulder and it makes you the perfect guest for that place

whenever you cup my face with your palms and they feel like they've been long separated, but finally came together again

we fit, darling

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

there are two sides

first second

wants you to caress me gently wants you to grab me wants you to leave shivers and memories like your hands are . coming home

. wants you to leave grip . marks, hickies and bite . marks on me

wants to be loved calmly and sweetly wants to be held by the . throat in that wild and . heated love

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

it feels weird to me that you will see me

phisically, that is.

I would love to feel your touch

because the sole thought of your fingers tracing my skin makes me shiver and get goosebumps

but will you like what you see?

we're so different, darling

will you want to do it all

despite my body being the way it is?

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

I am selfish

I am egoistic

I am greedy

but

how am I supposed to share what's mine

how am I supposed to share what I love this much

how am I supposed to share a person made for me and for whom I am made

how am I supposed to share you, darling?

I hate this feeling, of jealousy, disappointment, yet that is also thrilling

to desire someone so much it burns me from the inside

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

I want to melt into you

so they can never tear me apart from you

so I can never leave

I want us to be closer than we've ever been

because I can't get enough

of your touch, voice, presence, love

of you

and let me be greedy and egoistic, darling

let me desire you like noone else

let me be wholly yours

because there is no doubt I am. not to me, for once I am certain.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

that one time we were walking together

as casual as it was, it was also extraordinary. I looked your way and knew

it was such a blunt and clear thought that formed in a split second

that this is what I want to look at everyday

and that is you

your eyes, specifically, attracted my attention

the Sun was shining brightly that day, not covered with clouds

and your eyes caught the light

the blue in them suddenly became crystal clear, caught me off guard

I wanted you in a way I've never desired you before

it was raw and not at all controlled

I wanted you, love

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

i want my kids to have your eyes

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

I want more

If he gave me a fire

I'd make it burn like the Sun

So he could warm his hands with the heat

If he gave me water

I'd gladly drown in it

So he could have me like nobody has ever had

If he gave me words

I'd hand him back a book full of poems

With things I could never describe and yet tried

If he loved me

I'd return twice as much

So his hands could be full

And never empty like such.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

Your child is dead

To you

Is this a happy end?

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

I thought I had me

But I lost myself

And yet despite this

He has me

That I can say for sure

Which is beautiful

As well as obscure

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

It is new

To have someone say

They're angry

They are enraged

They are touched

They are burning

For me

When I told him the story of not feeling or rather feeling nothing at all, then thinking how it would be to leave, the first thing he said was

That's the most terrific

And heart wrenching thing

I've ever read darling.

And I felt seen and at peace.

The more he read into what I wrote to him the more he was boiling

So what he was saying

Made me want him by my side

For all times

Because he's calm

He's caring

And he makes me feel loved.

And all that

I can return to him

A love for a love.

And if he won't be able to love me

Or himself

I will do my best

To be the source of love

In his life.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

he made me smile when I was not able to do so

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

The question is: do i want him for life?

I think I do.

Even though my family discards it, even if my mother and my grandma say that i should keep my eyes open for better ones to find. Even though my father called him my friend, even though I told him that this is not who he is to me. Even though they keep treating me like a child, expect me to act like an adult and in the end scoff, when I'm neither.

[tonightthemusicsingssoloud]

Or maybe it is love what drives me this way?

Darling, tell me, for I have lost myself- is it longing for the other side that makes me happier where I am now? Is it what it feels like? A warm embrace? A flower field? A mother's look at her husband playing with their child?

Darling, I love you. Would you like to love death, like you love me, with me? For I am death. I fall apart with every step forward. I can feel myself dying.

So, Darling, would you love us? Me and her?