Just a bit of a goob.

Tony Rhodes. 20. Music & Theatre. I'm still the same old kid, just stuck in a semi-adult, twentyish year old body.

[supermanilovehim]

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Ryan just stood at the closed door, mouth gaped open. Tony’s words ringing in his ear. The Ryan he’s in love with. In love with. He is in love with Ryan.

“H-holy fuck.” He said out loud to no one, slumped to the floor, face in knees and started to sob like he hadn’t sobbed in a long time. He made noises he didn’t think he’d make anymore after he passed the age of 12. The pain that shot through Ryan was horrifying. His breathing was uneven and fast almost to the point of hyperventilation. His chest hurt and he was almost certain he was having a heart attack.

Get up! Get the fuck up off the floor you useless piece of shit! God, no wonder he hates you. No wonder everyone hates you. You’re fucking useless and pitiful and the worst fuck up this universe has ever seen.

He slowly uncurled his body and stood up, all muscles aching. He shuffled over to the Kitchen and with trembling hands took out a couple of Xanax and dry swallowed them. They weren’t going to help much, Ryan knew. His pain was beyond Xanax, maybe even beyond Oxycodone. There was something he could do to calm himself down, but fuck if he was going back down that road. He couldn’t. 

After the medication set in a bit, still a sobbing mess, he picked up the phone and called Cassandra.

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Ryan stayed seated, his leg bouncing up and down. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. God he wanted to tell Tony everything but the words wouldn’t come out. When he tired to say one thing, his drug soaked brain wouldn’t let him.

He looked up at Tony, the man he loved, begging for the truth. Ryan was shaking, trying to hold everything in. He didn’t want to cry even though his eyes were burning. He opened his mouth and instead of the explanation he wanted to say something much worse came out.

“You know what Tony; it’s none of your fucking business what I do! I’m not obligated to tell you shit, alright?” God did he regret the words as they came out, but he couldn’t take them back or stop them. He already fucked up their relationship for the second time, he might as well put a bow on the shit package. “I can take as many drugs as I want and you can’t say shit. It’s my body not you’re so get the fuck off my back.” He finally stood up and faced away from Tony. He couldn’t look at him, the guilt was just too much. 

[tonythegoober]

Tony simply stared. He thought that he could physically, really feel his heart breaking as Ryan spoke the words, as Ryan more or less ended whatever it was that existed between them. His chest and stomach felt hollow as the words washed over him and cleansed him of this whole situation, only dirtying and sullying him completely in the process. "I--" He couldn't come up with anything, he shut his lips tight as he took a breath and gathered up his things. "Fine."

He threw his things into his messenger bag and put on his sneakers-- it'd be a nice walk to NYU, fucking whatever, he thought. "Fine, Ry. Alright, then." Tony's voice was cold and although he felt as if he was going through up, he kept his face still as stone, unwilling to let any emotion shine through. "Wanna know something? I thought we'd work this time around. Thought we'd. Well. Fuck me," he muttered, shaking his head in disappointment and disbelief, a huff of a sarcastic laugh on his lips.

Soon enough, he stood in the doorway. Tony looked back at Ryan with a sarcastic smile, bowing at him and shaking his hair out, "Call me when the Ryan I'm in love with is back, yeah? Kinda miss him," he told him bitterly, a caustic chuckle leaving him as he turned away and slammed the door behind him, going down the stairs and out to the streets, making his way towards the nearest subway station where hopefully the last train to NYU hadn't departed yet. 

It had.

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

With every word the nausea crept up his throat and he was sure he was going to throw up. Tony was angry and, worse, disappointed. He knew about the selling, he knew about the pill popping. Fuck he knew everything. The wall he had build between them had just had a huge hole broken through it and on the other side was Tony yelling at him, telling him how much of a fuck-up he was, as if he didn’t already know. 

His hands shook as he put the beer bottle to his lips again and sipped. He wanted to just tell Tony everything, tell him all the drugs he was on and why, but there was something inside of him preventing him form saying so. Maybe it was the drugs? The fear of independence from them? The fear of actually facing his abuse? Whatever it was, there was no way it was going to let him tell Tony. His brain kept going: turn it around. Turn it the fuck around. He snooped around. He invaded your personal space. Throw it back at him. He struggled with himself for a moment before he slammed the bottle down on the table.

“You went through my shit?” He asked, masking his fear with an angry tone. “What? While I was taking a shower did you just open all my drawers and cabinets and look around? What the fuck, T?” Ryan tried to pick up the broken bricks and shove them back into the hole in the wall, anything to not see Tony like that. Anything to not see that look of disappointment on his face.

[tonythegoober]

Tony laughed, shaking his head, a wide, almost appalled, smile on his face. "Really, Ry? Really?" He shook his head and scoffed, throwing his head back. "That's what you wanna get into, man? Wow, T's such a buzzkill, T's such a dick, looking through your things--" he pushed himself off of the wall, staring at Ryan. "Is that really what you wanna do?" Tony shook his head, "Yeah, Ry, I looked through your shit and found all your drugs. You high right now?" He was serious with the question, but he didn't know if he wanted an answer or not.

Silence fell between them and Tony felt himself cringe at it. He leant against the wall again, looking away from Ryan, not being able to face him for too long. Ryan lied to him, he'd been lying to him for years, probably, and although maybe Tony was never 100% honest 100% of the time, he tried to be. He hated keeping information hidden, friendships-- relationships were built on trust, and that was something that Ryan obviously didn't want.

"Just tell me the truth, just stop avoiding it, stop lying to me, just-- tell me the truth." His voice had a pleading tone, it was strained, and he was desperate. Tony's throat was tight with tears and he could feel the build up in his eyes. This-- this was the boy he loved, his best friend above all else, and him lying only broke Tony's heart. "The truth, Ry. Tell me-- please, fuck, just tell me the god damn truth? Just once tell me the truth, stop pushing me away."

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Tony seemed worse then normal at the game. Superman was jerking around on the screen more then normal and hardly attacking back. Ryan’s head was too in the game to stop and question him. He was probably tired and they had been drinking a bit. Maybe Tony just can’t hold his liquor as well.

Superman stopped all together and Tony stood up. “You okay T?” Ryan asked, getting nervous now. Tony looked like he was going to start crying and then he said it. I know. He knew. Knew what? He couldn’t possibly… Ryan felt his stomach roll over and his heart start to pound dangerously fast. Fuck. He knew should have taken him anxiety medication. He stayed cool on the outside, cocking an eyebrow.

“What are you talking about, T? What do you know? You only had like one beer, bro, you can’t be losing it already.” Yes, that’s it Ryan. Turn it around. It’s how he avoided the questions his whole life. Tony couldn’t know, and even if he did, Ryan was going to turn it around somehow. He was a professional liar. (He was born and raised by lawyers after all.) He had a good balance of drugs and Tony and he intended to keep it that way for now. 

[tonythegoober]

"I know about your-- your--" fucking drugs. Just say it Tony, just say it. He obviously didn't care enough to tell him, so what was the point in trying to have tact? "I didn't think it could be true, y'know? I didn't think that you-- that you, of all people, like-- I thought I knew you? I thought that, y'know, like y'had some sorta job, dunno, it never occurred to me, that-- wow. Wow. Woooow." Tony's hands were in his hair, then, and he pulled at his hair as he paced up and down, too nervous and upset to stay still.

"I know about the fucking drugs, Ry. You know, the shit you sell and the shit you apparently pop every god damn day?" Tony laughed, shaking his head, his hands dropping to his sides, a sarcastic smile on his lips. "Wanna even try to give me some sort of explanation? Lie some more? Omit more of the truth?" He licked his lips and looked around in frustration, "Why-- I just," Tony pulled at his own hair again, biting at his  lip and leaning against the wall, beginning to bite at his fingernails, calming himself down.

He stared at Ryan expectantly, welcoming the unfamiliar feeling of guilt wash over him. He shouldn't have looked around, gone through Ryan's personal effects, and he shouldn't have lost his cool, not like that, no-- he should've handled it better, just a little bit better-- god, he was an idiot, he had to have been the only person not to know-- he was as airheaded as he always had been and he was not only disappointed in Ryan, but in himself for being so idiotic in-- in love. 

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

They were so dating. Well, at least in Ryan’s mind they were. They went out on dates, they kissed and Ryan was so fucking head-over-heels that his brain wouldn't let him think anything else but that they were dating. He never said the word ‘dating’ or ‘boyfriend’ because last thing he needed was to freak Tony out and send him running.

That night they stayed in. The weather was crappy and Ryan had run around all day. (People to see and drugs to sell) so he was bit tired. Besides, nothing could beat staying in, playing games and drinking a few beers with Tony. After a few rounds of Injustice and kicking Tony’s ass as Nightwing, he figured he needed a shower. The first thing his mind jumped too was the drugs stashed everywhere, but he quickly dismissed the thought. Tony wasn’t the snooping type. He wouldn’t break his trust like that, not Tony. So he hopped in.

It was a particularly relaxing shower, nice and warm, washing away a good day of dishonest work. He even found himself singing a bit. Tony just made him that happy that he started doing stupid things like sing in the shower. The steady flow of happiness is just what Ryan needed in his life. Finally, something worth living for; something worth getting off drugs for.

He didn’t take too long in the shower since he didn’t want Tony to be alone for too long. He dried off a bit, wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out. Tony looked… un easy. He was talking a bit fast and he stumbled over his words. “Alright, I’ll be out in a minute.” Ryan went into his room, thinking what Tony could possibly be upset about. As he was gathering clothes to put on, something caught his eye. The corner of his storage bin was sticking out form under his bed. He started to panic a bit. No. It couldn’t have been. Tony would never. He mustn’t have pushed it in all the way when he went out this morning. Yes. That had to be it, because Tony wouldn’t go snooping. That wasn’t like him. He tucked it back in and finished getting dressed.

He came back out and smiled at Tony. He noticed he was still a bit uneasy but he didn’t want to think of the possibilities. “So you wanna keep playing or you wanna watch a movie or play another game?” He cracked open another beer to stop the paranoia setting in. On principle he refused to take drugs when he was around Tony, even if it meant fighting withdrawals all day to be with him.  

[tonythegoober]

Ryan went away to change and Tony was more than grateful for it-- he needed a little time alone, just a minute, a second even. He needed to gather his thoughts, to think about some sort of-- plan of attack, something, anything. Tony's stomach clenched and he felt a pang of pain course through him-- nausea, too. "Fuck," he muttered to himself, his eyes brimming with tears. He bent over, his arms around himself, head between his knees-- he could do this, he could (how could it be real, how could Ryan, whywhywhywhy--)

He heard Ryan open the door to the bedroom and instantly, he sat upright and beamed at him. "Uh," he looked to the PS3, "yeah, we can-- another round, I gotta beat you sooner or later," Tony said with a nervous laugh, his hand pushing his hair back and away, grasping at the controller just a few seconds later. "Listen, Ry," he said, chewing on his lip, eyes blankly watching the screen as Ryan went through the motions, clicking start game, skipping the character select screen.

They began to fight. Their characters threw punches and kicks and just before the first KO, Tony paused, standing up suddenly, his hands fists at his sides, the controller discarded on the couch. "Ry, can-- you." His throat closed up and he laughed, shaking his head, blinking away whatever it was that had to be stuck in his eyes. "I'll be right, yeah, I--" he made his way to the bathroom and upon getting to the doorway, he paused, turning around to face Ryan. "I. I know, Ry, I know." He couldn't figure out any other words to put it. He knew, he knew everything, he-- Ryan just, he was. Tony was so disappointed in him. How could he? How could his Ryan do that to himself, and to other people. "I know, Ry."

[tonythegoober]

no easy way (out) // tony&ryan

They weren't really together, but that didn't mean that they also weren't... Not... Together. Whatever the situation was, it was a good one, an okay one, and that-- well, that made Tony happy. He'd smile randomly, smile when Ryan texted him or answered something, smiled when he tweeted or instagrammed them spending time together. Sure, it was time as friends (perhaps a little more than friends, but that was saved for later, to think about much, much, much later, when things were less confusing). He liked kissing Ryan, telling him he liked him, taking him places on Billy Shakes and having Ryan take him places on-- Ryan's car didn't have a name (Tony silently named it Yuki).

They weren't dating. They totally weren't dating.

Okay, maybe they were kinda-sorta dating. A little.

And weirdly enough, Tony began to hear Ryan's name everywhere. Something about Ryan and Adderal here, something about Ryan and Ritalin there-- and, no, that couldn't be his Ryan. It was just-- just some weird coincidence. Ryan was a pretty common name (he knew five, not including Hunt) and it was easy to get people confused. But when he started to hear Ryan's last name thrown in there too, and sometimes the exclamation of him and his red hair-- well, that was just too much.

They had a date lined up, sort of a date, a night of video games and maybe some drinks-- Tony's finals had passed and it was time to celebrate, but, well, god, how could he with all this on his mind. Ryan announced shower time after a few rounds on Injustice, "Good, y'smell gnarly as heck," Tony grinned, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach, he'd check while Ryan showered, he'd check really fast, look in the kitchen, maybe his bedroom too, and if there was nothing, then it was over with, it was fine.

Ryan left and Tony listened for the shower to start. It sputtered and drowned out most of Ryan's singing (maybe that was Tony's nervous singing, it was fine, it was fine, it was fine), and Tony hopped up, gulping to himself and walking quietly over to the kitchen, ignoring the menu music coming from the video game. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," he muttered to himself as he started to go through the cabinets and the drawers, finding little orange bottles of things Tony couldn't even pronounce, "Just prescription, yeah, just-- it's fine, fuck," Tony said to himself, his throat going dry upon finding more.

He went to the bedroom, then, looking to the shower and listening, just to make sure Ryan was still in there, not coming out-- just a little more looking, it was okay, just-- another look, a bit, kinda, it was-- fuck, it was not okay. Tony knelt by Ryan's bed and looked beneath it, pulling out a storage bin and holding onto the sides of it to steady himself. His head was swimming and he felt his throat constrict with how upset he was becoming. Okay, just-- he was, this one last look, he was more than a little horrible for doing this but-- Tony opened the bin and felt his stomach twist at the sight. His hands automatically dug through it all, reading the labels and shaking the bottles-- there was so much, fuck, so much.

Tony heard the shower stop and he shot up, shoving everything back beneath the bed before scrambling out into the living room, throwing himself onto the couch just before the door opened. His eyes were watery but he rubbed that away, "Heya, Ry," he said, trying to think of something else, trying to, god, what was he supposed to do? "Smellin' like roses now, I hope?" Tony said with a big grin-- it was fake, but it wasn't too bad looking, it was nice, Tony was one of those people who knew how to look happy. "Get dressed, c-c'mon," he nodded, sitting back up and giving Ryan then a tight-lipped smile, clearing his throat. He had to talk about it, he couldn't-- Tony just couldn't let it slide. This was dangerous, and-- Ryan couldn't do that anymore.

[coopbastian-archive]

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Ryan’s shoulders set down and he exhaled. Tony was staying. He wanted to stay. Tony lured him back to the couch with promises of Cinderella and crying over Disney characters. He couldn’t help but smile softly, but not quite reaching the extreme it did before. He sat down, let Tony put his head on his lap and carded his fingers through his hair again. It eventually lulled the loveable goob back to sleep.

They watched more Disney movies, at Chinese that Ryan insisted on paying for, and the rest of the night went much better then the afternoon. They even ended up playing some games which Ryan found he was pretty good at sober.

They didn’t talk about the kiss again. There was no reason to put presser on such a great night. It really did feel like old times where they just could sit and have a good time and just forget about the world for a while.

After remembering that he actually had a guest bedroom, Ryan set Tony up in there, gave him a set of clothes to sleep in and other necessities. He slept pretty well knowing Tony was in the other room, preventing him from doing anything he wouldn’t want Tony to see. Maybe in the morning they could talk about the kiss and other feelings and maybe in the morning they could be something more, but for tonight, they were just a couple of best friends crying over lost princesses, kicking each other’s ass in Injustice and eating from Chinese take-out cartons. 

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Ryan bit at his lip. Tony was rambling again. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the sound of Tony’s voice, it was something he could listen to all day, but it usually meant he was nervous or uncomfortable. Ryan found himself fucking it up before it even started again. He fucked it up last time and he was fucking up this time. 

“You, uhh, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, T. It’s okay.” Really, it wouldn’t be. If he left Ryan was going to end up a numb, bloody mess under blazing hot shower water, but Tony didn’t need to know that. “It was stupid to ask. I’m sorry. I just. I miss you. I miss us. I know I have no right to, but I do…” He said. The anxiety began to creep up on him again and he tired to defuse the situation before he had another meltdown.

“How about you just stay for dinner? I can order us Chinese like you said. We can watch more Disney movies. We can sing all the songs and you can laugh at me crying some more.” He laughed. It scared himself how convincing it sounded. Practice really did make perfect. He took Tony’s hands, controlling his tremor as well as he could, and lead him over to the little closet where he kept his collection of VHS’s and DVD’s. “Come on, you can pick any movie you want.”

Please, don’t leave me, don’t walk away. Please, I’m sorry if I scared you. Don’t leave me. I’m scared. I’m going to hurt myself. I don’t want to anymore. Please, please don’t leave me. Ryan screamed in his head, too afraid to tell Tony any of it. He’d think he was crazy. How could he like someone crazy? It would scare him away for good this time. If Tony knew any of the shit that swam in his mind, he’d turn away so fast his sneakers would leave rubber marks on the tiles. Ryan had to be perfect because Tony was perfect and he deserved perfect. 

[tonythegoober]

"Hey-- Ry, I said I'd stay, didn't I?" He said it with a reassuring smile, a calm and serene look completing it. "I'm staying." Tony repeated, wanting Ryan to know that, to memorise that Tony was staying, that he was in it for the long haul, no matter what. He was going to try and help him, because Tony knew more than he ever let on, Tony understood more than he ever let anyone realise, he was smart, he wasn't as airheaded as people made him out to be. "I'm staying," he said a third and final time, nodding once. "As your friend. Can't be rushin' all up in this, yeah?" He smiled, sitting himself back on the couch.

Beneath him, the furniture groaned and he tried to relax. "Can we, uh, get back to watching Cindy here? Cross m'heart that m'not gunna say anything if you cry. Trust me, Ry, I've cried to Disney movies too," he said, reaching his hand out as a sign of peace, of welcoming. "C'mon, my head needs a pillow and I betcha that your lap fits the profile perfectly."

It would be a nice night. It would. They'd eat dinner a while later, have some laughs, and Tony knew he'd pass out stupidly on the couch, because he was just so tired-- fuck work, really. Okay, maybe not, just, a little bit, because-- Tony audibly sighed. Maybe he could borrow some of Ryan's clothes, his PJs, a pair of boxers and a shirt, maybe, if Ryan didn't mind Tony forgoing underwear (sharing them just seemed unsanitary). "Sit down, please? Promise I won't be stupid like last time."

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Carefully, Ryan opened his eyes and looked up. He looked up into Tony’s eyes and it clicked that it was real; all of it was real. He just kissed Tony and it wasn’t in a dream. Ryan could hardly feel the withdrawals anymore and the euphoric feeling of being with him over powered the need for drugs or cutting. Nothing mattered but Tony at that moment.

Tony asked him again if he could kiss him. Ryan smiled a genuine smile (damn it felt good too). He wrapped both arms around Tony’s neck and pulled his face a bit closer, their breaths mixing. “Yes, Tony, you can kiss me. Whenever you want, wherever you want or as long as you want.” He rubbed his nose against Tony’s, his lips brushing against his. He wanted Tony to kiss him mainly for his own good. He needed to be reassured that Tony actually wanted to kiss him, that he actually wanted him. Maybe, just maybe this wasn’t all out of pitty and Tony really did have feelings, and maybe a kiss would let Ryan let himself believe that.

Then a thought occurred to Ryan, what’s going t go happen when Tony leaves? Ryan was terrified of what he was going to do once Tony walked out that door. He was terrified because he legitimately had no clue what he’d do to himself. The withdrawals were sure to kick in again once he was alone and he didn’t want to take any more drugs. He didn’t want to hurt himself anymore. He wanted Tony because he was enough. The look on his face turned from blissful to desperate.

“Stay?” The word came out of him with his brain in protest. It was a ridiculous request, but he had to ask. “Please stay? Just for the night. I just got you back I don’t want to have to be away from you again.” While that was true, he was scared of himself and needed someone to stop him. “And no funny business, I promise. Just sleeping. Please?” He sounded so pathetic and desperate and he was.

[tonythegoober]

Tony's stomach bottomed out and he didn't know if it was in a good way or a bad way. The word stay echoed through his mind and, god, he didn't know what to do. Clearing his throat, he parted his lips slightly, his eyes raking over Ryan's features and taking everything in, his hand rising to flick away more of Ryan's hair-- a smile began to take over Tony's lips and he closed them, smiling, nodding at his best friend. "Yeah," he said, knowing that saying it could very well be a bad decision. "Yeah, I will," he said, licking his lips and smiling at Ryan, his hand dropping to his side, his eyes following it.

He looked to the floor and took a breath, gathering his thoughts and cataloging them (wrongly, but cataloging them nonetheless), trying to understand them. "I'll-- want me to, uh, take the couch?" Tony asked, looking up to Ryan then, his head slightly tilted to the side. "I can just, y'know, sleep there-- I don't mind! S'cool, actually," he wandered over to it, sitting on the couch, feeling it before letting himself relax into the upholstery. 

"Uh-- I, well, I needa get some clothes to change into, got a pretty gnarly scent right now, hah," he said, scratching at the back of his head, nervously looking to the floor. Tony didn't wanna disturb anything, he didn't want to negatively affect Ryan, didn't wanna fuck up his routine or anything. For all Tony knew, the kiss was just (god, the kiss, wow, he wanted another one, another few--) out of pity, out of obligation. Tony was too emotional, too tied to the things he could feel, too nurturing and intuitive, and sometimes, it hurt more than helped in situations.

"I just," he looked to Ryan again, pushing himself to stand. "Okay. Yeah, I'll stay, we'll-- order in for dinner? I'll pay. Chinese? Yeah, who doesn't like Chinese. Like, we can get some soup and some noodles and some fried rice-- I haven't had fried rice in forever--" Tony went on and on, filling the air with nothing, wandering around the living area and just, yes, he knew he was talking too much and yes, he knew it was our of nervousness, but he just couldn't help it. "And after all that, we can make up the couch and, okay, before that we should get to my dorm and I gotta pick up stuff, I mean we only just went out to lunch, and all, well-- I'm talking out of my ass, Ry, m'sorry," he finally said, laughing anxiously, pushing his hair back out of his face. Tony just partly wanted to ignore the way Ryan made his stomach do flips-- it wasn't healthy. Stomachs shouldn't do flips-- it just, why was life so hard?

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

The hush whisper was like the loudest scream to Ryan. A kiss. Tony wanted a kiss. When Ryan’s body caught up to his brain and pulled Tony in close, one hand in his shirt the other in his hair, and kissed him hard. Whatever Tony was saying at that moment was irrelevant. Everything was. The fucking apocalypse could have happened in that moment and Ryan would have missed it.

His lips moved slowly against Tony’s, wanting to savor the moment. His shaking hands moved to caress his face. The taste of his lips, the feel of his jaw, the warmth and safety he felt was so familiar but strange. It had been too long since he felt that type of presser in his chest. It was good, warm, it was happy, and so was Ryan. Tony’s lips were softer than he remembered and his kisses more gentile. It sent shivers through him and made his knees weak enough that he had to start leaning on him slightly. It took all he could to not just laugh into his mouth out of pure bliss.

He pulled off as slowly as he could; only backing away because of necessary to breath. He kept their foreheads together and kept his eyes closed, afraid if he opened it, Tony would disappear and he’d be staring up at the dark ceiling of his bedroom. “Swear to me this isn’t a dream.” He whispered, still scared to look. 

[tonythegoober]

At one moment, Tony was going on and on and just, well, literally talking out of his ass, because that was the sort of thing Tony did. Sometimes, he didn't know how to make things better, sometimes he just had to talk and talk and talk until things looked up, because maybe something that he said would make things better. So, that's what he had tried to do, and it didn't work at all, he could sense it.

But, the thing was, that the next moment, Ryan's lips were on his and he couldn't tell which way was up. He hesitated  a lot, really, more than he ever would've, but this was an attack! It was a surprise, and how was Tony supposed to react, really. There were all these residual feelings inside of him, twisting and turning and twirling around his heart, squeezing the life out of it, wringing it of anything he had felt all those years ago. What was Ryan doing, why, why, why-- it wasn't real, it couldn't be, he wasn't--

God, it felt so good.

He kissed him back just as hard. Tony snapped out of it and touched Ryan back, held him close (a little too hard, but he didn't want him slipping away, not again, not ever), and kissed him, licked into his mouth, wrapped around him the way he felt Ryan had wrapped himself around him (metaphorically-- Ryan was in his brain, in his heart, in his liver-- the last one was stupid, but he couldn't help thinking it), "Please," he muttered the instant their lips disconnected for just a second, him closing the space quickly, showing him this was good. "Swear," he muttered again, nodding, "Cross my heart and hope t'die, Ry," Tony told him with a big, grand grin, their foreheads together, his nose touching at Ryan's. "Sooo... I take it as a yes, I can kiss you?"

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Tony’s voice was there telling him it was alright, that everything was okay, but it wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t. He was telling Ryan not to be angry, but how couldn’t he be? Tony knew, he had to. He knew how Ryan still felt and he was manipulating him just like everyone else in his life. He was trying to get at him, to hurt him, and fuck if Ryan would let another person do that to him. 

His hands were grabbed and his first reaction was to pull away. His body shook and he wanted to keep screaming but he was being held. Grabbed his hands. She was in control and he couldn’t say a word. He wasn’t allowed to talk about when he was being grabbed. The punishment would be worse. She would be rougher, pull his hair harder until a small chunk came out, bite him till he bled. She would choke him; push down on his windpipe if he screamed, so he didn’t. He stayed silent and still until she told him to beg.

A voice pierced thought the haze. He blinked away the thoughts and looked up at Tony with tears threatening to fall. He was apologizing? He had… old feelings? He had old feelings. He still felt the same way.

Ryan started to chuckle with different types of relief. First off, Tony was Tony and not Lily like his mind had projected. Second, Tony felt something – something old. He didn’t know if Tony loved him like he loved Tony but it was something.

He grabbed onto Tony’s shaking hands with a matching tremor. He looked down at them and forced his voice out. “You can’t do that you idiot.” He said, his voice much more steady than before. “You can’t just lean in for a kiss and whim out. You can’t get my hopes up like that. It’s not allowed.” He was able to blink most of the tears away before finally looking up at Tony. “Please don’t give me false hope like that again, T.” 

[tonythegoober]

He didn't know what to do. He was at a complete loss, and with Ryan pulling away from him like that, his stomach went hollow. He didn't know how to help, how to make everything okay, so he apologised. Tony took himself down several notches, realising that maybe he was too much, maybe he wasn't what Ryan needed, wasn't what he wanted. So, he apologised more. It wasn't his place, not anymore, no, it was someone else's, he had friends, he had people that cared, and after high school, it just wasn't Tony's place anymore. That chapter had ended a long time ago, and he wasn't allowed to go back and rewrite it.

But, Ryan's hands took his and he felt his body go weak. He didn't move, didn't sway or anything, but Tony was sure his knees were buckling and although he had no idea what Ryan was thinking, he was terrified. He didn't want to push him away, to him, Ryan made things okay, too, just like he unknowingly did to Ryan. "Hopes up?" He asked, voice barely heard, it too low and scared to be loud.

"I--" he shook his head, leaning his forehead against Ryan's, feeling brave once more. "Sorry, Ry," he murmured, his heart pounding, both of his hands fully grasping and squeezing at Ryan's. "We'll. I'm," again, words confused him, and he didn't know what to say. It was silent, then, more comfortable than before, better, an alright version of what had happened prior. His fingers splayed against Ryan's and he looked down at them fondly, playing with the more pale fingers of his best friend's, half a smile playing on his lips.

The clock on the wall ticked, the beat between their fingers pulsated, and finally, Tony sighed. "Can I kiss you?" He asked, voice just above a whisper. He looked into Ryan's eyes for a fraction of a second before looking away, looking down at their hands again in embarrassment, chewing on his lip. "I didn't-- I didn't mean t'scare ya like that, m'not like that, you know that, m'T, m'Tony. Ry, I'd-- I just, I didn't know and you were right there, you were close and I just, I got scared, it was--"

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Shit. Ryan whipped his eyes quickly, embarrassment washing over him. Crying in front of Tony was the last way he wanted to end this dat- not a date Ryan – this outing. 

“I’m fine, really.” He tired to laugh it off. “This movie just gets me sometimes.” Tony sat up and Ryan watched as he gapped at him, the embarrassing atmosphere returning once again. There was something in Tony’s eyes, a look he’s seen before. When he leant in, as slight as it was, it made Ryan’s breath hitch and his eyes go wide. His fingers brushed against his forehead and Ryan’s thoughts started to spin. It was going to happen; this wasn’t some sleeping-aid induced dream. Tony was really leaning in to kiss him it was going to—then it didn’t. Tony pulled away resting his slightly damp forehead to Ryan’s neck and it made Ryan shiver, not only from the sensation but the rage and embarrassment that coursed through him.

He was frozen, unable to protest Tony lying back down on his lap. His stomach was in a knot and his heart was beating so fast it started to hurt. After taking about a minute to possess what just happened, Ryan nudged Tony off his lap, not as gentle as he intended it to be. He got up, almost tripping, and walked across the room, his cold hand wrapped around his warm neck with nails dug in the back. His breathing started to become heavy and fuck he was having an anxiety attack. He couldn’t reach into his pocket or his draws to pull out a pill without being exposed. He tired to will it away but thinking about it was making it worse. “Y-You c-can’t justfucking do that Tony! You just f-fucking can’t!” He was freaking out and he needed to stop now. “It’s not fucking fair!” He needed to shut the fuck up. His nails started to scratch at the back of his neck, hoping the pain from that would be enough to shock him out of the attack.

Only Tony could build him up and break him down so quickly. Only he could hurt him this bad, that quickly. And sure, maybe he was overreacting, but it had been something he’d be waiting for for so long and to have Tony to tease him like that just pushed him over the edge especially since his emotions had been heightened all day. He hated that so many people had so much power over him. They could do a simple thing as lean forward and they can break Ryan, just like Tony just did. 

[tonythegoober]

Tony looked up in confusion as Ryan stood, his head tilted to the side, his expression changing to horror as Ryan lost it on him and began to yell. His hands rose in his own defence, and his jaw was slack, "Hey, Ryan, I--" he gulped, clamming up and shaking his head. Tony stood, looking down at the floor before taking a glance at Ryan, his own expression miserable. "I-- I don't, I mean," he took a tentative step forward, trying to clear his own mind, trying to understand, because this shouldn't have been a problem, not really, not if--

God, he really was the biggest idiot in the world, wasn't he?

"Ry, please don't-- you're-- hey, don't--" Tony couldn't find the words that he needed to make the situation alright. He never knew what to say. His words were never really his own, he was an actor, a singer, a performer most of all, and very rarely were his words his own. Tony gulped, mouth propping open, nothing coming out, "Ry, just-- it's, it's okay, yeah?" He tilted his head to the side and his face screwed up, "I-- please--"

He finally shut up again, opting for action rather than words. Tony neared him slowly, expression innocent and curious, his hands finding Ryan's. "Hey," he murmured, trying to be soft, to be caring and everything good he could possibly think up. "Don't... Don't be mad, don't hurt yourself," he said, having seen Ryan scratch at his skin. "I just, I-- Ry, I didn't mean to, I didn't wanna make things--" his hands began to shake slightly and he laughed anxiously, staring down at them and wishing he wasn't such an idiot.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Was all he could come up with. It was sincere, but not enough, it couldn't be enough, not if-- he sighed shakily, licking at his lips out of nervousness. He gulped and cleared his throat, "I'm, I really-- I just. I feel stuff. From before, you know? Old... It's. Stupid, yeah, I know that, and I know that it was stupid to-- to do that. I'm sorry, Ry, don't be mad, please." He was begging at that point.

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

Ryan bit his smile the word “Hella” left Tony’s mouth. Oh how he missed the stupid Californian things he said. Ryan hadn’t really seen a Disney movie in a long time himself and what better way to get back into Disney then with Tony?

Once he said Cinderella, Ryan tried not to show what he was feeling. Any movie but that one… but there was no way in hell he could say no to those eyes.

“Sure!” He picked up his PS3 controller, went to the Netflix application and found Cinderella. Just the opening credits got Ryan emotional and once the song started he was grateful for Tony facing the other way. He wiped the tears out of his eyes before they had the chance to leak out and god forbid hit Tony’s face. He did not need to be teased for crying at Cinderella. 

He looked down at Tony and saw his mouth moving along to the song and he couldn’t help fondly smile at the man. Ryan, again, let himself get caught up in a fantasy where wishes came true. If anything, Tony was his dream come true, his Prince Charming, but even if a Fairy Godmother came out of nowhere, cleaned Ryan up and shoved him off to the ball, Tony probably still wouldn’t have picked him.

His thoughts broke when he heard Tony’s voice. He said that he missed him. Not only did he miss him but there was a stupid hole in his heart. “Yeah I know how you feel.” He muttered. If anyone knew about stupid holes in his heart, it was Ryan. 

Ryan smiled softly again when the word ‘gnarly’ came up. God he was adorable. He began to run his fingers through Tony’s fluffy hair. He didn’t know why he was doing it, but once he did it he didn’t want to stop. Tony just looked so comfortable on his lap.

“Rest your eyes. If you fall asleep I’ll wake you up in a bit okay?” his voice was softer and sweeter then he intended, but fuck it, he just wanted this one moment for pretend happiness. He wasn’t hurting anyone with his little fantasies. Well, no one but himself that is.  

[tonythegoober]

The credits rolled, the song began, and Tony was already falling asleep. He'd worked the morning shift and got his paycheck, needing the extra money to pay for the day's outing-- Tony was the sort to splurge on, well, alright, it wasn't exactly a date, not really, it was, just, well-- Tony gulped. It might've been a date, a small, tiny sort of date, and-- fuck, he thought.

He hummed and murmured nonsense at the words Ryan said, already feeling tired. "M'sorry, Ry," he murmured, turning a little to look up at his best friend with very sleepy eyes. He frowned, reaching, seeing Ryan's eyes filled with tears that hadn't fallen. "Hey," Tony said softly, eyebrows knitting together. "Hey don't cry, s'not even at the sad part yet, Ry. An' m'still here. Can't be crying yet," he joked, smiling widely and lazily.

Slowly, he sat up, looking over to Ryan. "D'ya think I could. Uh," he gulped, pushing his hair out of his face, clearing his throat, "I mean," Tony leant in, not too closely, his fingers reaching up to flick away the red hair in Ryan's face-- Tony sighed heavily for the umpteenth time, abandoning his thoughts and giving up halfway through. Bad idea, bad idea. Ryan wasn't into him anymore, not like that, and a part of him figured that maybe he never had been, it might've all just been pity, really. His forehead rested on Ryan's neck and he let out a shaking sigh, "M'sorry," he muttered, "m'sorry." Guilt flooded him and his stomach twisted and lurched horribly, another sigh shaking him.

"Lemme just go back onto your lap," he said, a nervous laugh leaving him. "Sorry, Ry, m'just dumb," Tony told him, chuckling anxiously once more, readjusting himself and moving so that he could lay on Ryan's lap again.

[coopbastian-archive]

[tonythegoober]

♡ tony+ jett ♡

[tonythegoober]

this is a Big Thing // tony&ryan

[huntingryan]

When they went up stairs to the apartment, Ryan actually fumbled a bit with his keys. He just laughed it off and tried not to be so blatantly obvious he was nervous. They walked in and Ryan looked around making sure there were no bottles in sight. This day was going to great for his dirty secrets to fuck it up. 

He was in the kitchen when he heard Tony’s voice to call to him. He said ‘your legs’ and Tony-sized head resting on them’ and of curse Ryan’s mind jumped to the dirtiest thing he could think of. He glass bowl he was holding slipped out of his hands and into the sink.

“Fuck me.” He sighed, then said “No, god damn it!” after he realized what he said. “I’ll be there in a minute!” He called to his friend on the couch. He threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave (he knew they finished eating but everyone has room for popcorn and fries) and got a new bowl to put it in. God he was going to cuddle with fucking Tony on the couch. This was too much for him.

He smiled at the sight of Tony lying on the couch, but then it slowly melted. He allowed his mind to drift for a second back to high school when Tony was actually his. He let himself indulge in the fantasy of him going over, laying on him and giving him a kiss and pretend for a moment that he was actually happy. He tried to pull his lips back into a smile and put the bowl on Tony’s chest.

“What do you want to watch?” he asked, looking down at him “I got Netflix and a ton of Disney movies.” He said. 

[tonythegoober]

According to Tony, it took for-ev-er for Ryan to return. But, the plus side was that Ryan had returned with popcorn. Tony made grabby hands for it, and smiled, getting comfortable in Ryan's lap and looking up at him, grin on his face. "Let's watch some Disney ones-- can y'believe I haven't seen one in, like, a hella long time?" Tony sighed in frustration, his lips making a flapping noise. "It's stupid is what it is," he said, readjusting himself and getting comfortable again-- "I wanna waaaatch... Hmmm... I haven't seen Cinderella in a while? Can we watch that one?" He asked, looking up at Ryan again, half a smile on his face.

Tony didn't know what to think anymore. He-- his stomach churned and he felt it turn and twist and, god, there was a stupid amount of butterflies in there. He could feel his cheeks go pink as his mind filled up with thoughts of just barely tugging on Ryan's head, just enough to bring him down, to press their lips together-- god, why was-- he had just recently broken up with Steve, doing this was-- it was idiotic, it wasn't fair. He didn't want this.

Or did he? He and Ryan, they had a history together. A long one. And they hadn't' seen one another in a while and then-- god, when Tony had seen him that first day, he could've sworn that his heart skipped multiple beats--

Tony yawned and that pulled him out of his memory. He was thankful for it. Thinking of it hurt, Tony figured, because there was a part of him that wanted Ryan back, that wanted that familiarity. He wanted to be his best friend again, to be more than that again, but he knew that that boat had long since passed. "I told you how much I missed you, right?" Tony told him, looking at Ryan almost sleepily. He looked back to the screen, his lips moving along to the song Cinderella sang, "It's like. There was a stupid hole in my heart. It was just, like, a buzzkill all the time? And, just," Tony sighed, closing his eyes, "I just don't want it to happen again, y'know?" His chest heaved and he cleared his throat, "M'sorry if I fall asleep, I had a gnarly morning, woke up early for Starbucks and stuff," he laughed, eyes still closed, his body adjusting yet again so that he could get comfortable.