The Bad Hurt
As I write this is has been three days since we had a normal conversation, everything was strained and forced. My hands shook with each text message response. You invited me to your place, I should have waited an hour to think whether or not this was a smart move on my part. I didn’t and I sure it wasn’t. The anxiety poured from my skin. I couldn’t look at you, I couldn’t sit near you. I couldn’t answer you, my words were caught in my throat. I wanted to flee, but I couldn’t, not because you were making me stay, it was my heart fighting with my brain. It was my heart winning keeping me cemented to your brightly colored side chair.
I was ready to leave, ready to cry the entire way to the capital where I couldn’t see your building. Where I couldn’t see what I didn’t have. You walked me to my car and it was then I pointed to a parking spot divider stripe and said this is your line. This is the line you made this is where you stand and where I stand over here. Alone. And all those words that were choked in my throat suddenly wanted to escape in heaving sobs. You stand there staring saying you are sorry, Saying that you had a lot that you were attending to on your side on the line. Saying words that don’t even make sense because I am hurting on this side of the line alone. And you tell me you can tell there is something I want to say, and that’s when I blurt it out.
I AM HEART BROKEN.
That this this grey zone that we are in this non argument has broken my heart. I want to tell you that today it hurts to see you, that trying to be okay and concealing my heartache was painstaking. That I want your touch but I know I will crumble today. That it’s hard to breathe right now because I have lost my breath around you. That I can’t explain why any of this because I don’t know why my head spins why my heart races and is pulled towards you. I look at you and I can’t explain to you why my heart flutters and my skin gets goosebumps and why your smile leaves me speechless. I can’t. I can’t explain to you why this feels like glass and I want to keep in a box where it’s save but it doesn’t work that way. I can’t explain to you how seeing this transformation of you feels like a gift to see. What do I want to say to you? I want to say you make my heart skip a beat the way my husband does, that I cry in front of you because I feel like you are shelter to me, that holding your hand makes feel grounded. That you are an amazing human being to me.
That this is not supposed to be the way it is play out. That I am being punished for things I am not. Things I will never get to be... I stood there foolishly and unapologetically in your garage and sobbed into your chest. That we felt broken, like my heart was and I knew it was my fault for not keeping myself for guarded, and not checking my feelings at the door. I cried because you said it was not your intentions to make me feel this way and you feel remorseful that I do. I cried into your chest knowing I will never get to evolve into anything more than a woman that you associate with. I cried into your chest know by that I was the only the crying for the loss of us. I cried for secrets that I knew were being held from me. I cried for empty statements that you made on rooftops while you kissed me. I cried because holding your hand meant nothing to you and meant everything absolutely everything to me. I look at you and I want to scream because this grey zone is just a reminder that in just a few weeks, in just a few weeks the broken fragments of my heart will float down that river and you won’t even think twice about it. I will be a hazy memory of your past. No longer your problem.
The come back kid who just didn’t have the staying power.
