The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved. â Mother Teresa
I remember reading this quote when I was in my first year of university, beaming with positive and optimistic energy with the world being my oyster. I remember reading it and disagreeing with it completely. Surely, the worst form of poverty cannot be loneliness? I mean come on there are so much worse episodes to occur, so much more you could lose than loneliness no? Â
I read this quote 6 years later and I donât think I could agree with it more. There comes a point in everyoneâs life, I think, where no matter how lucky they are, or how heavily surrounded they are by people â the feelings of loneliness will make you question everything.
You can sit in a room with your family, the mother who you hibernated inside for 9 months, the sister who comforted you and the uncle who asks you if youâre okay every 5 minutes, and even then you can feel lonely.Â
You can talk to friends you have known for years, best friends who know you inside out, friends you have fought fire with, friends who have broken down your wall, and even then you can feel lonely.
You can talk to the boy you call mine, or the girl you crush on, the face you think of every night, the texts you wait to receive, the duas you spend most time on, and even then you can feel lonely.
It makes me really question whether having people in your life sometimes does actually help your life or hinder it. I mean family are your hardest critic and you can work like a slave and cry every night for their approval and they will still make you feel like youâre not good enough.
Friends take so much energy out of you that you just give and give and give, and end up cutting yourself trying to fix their broken glass. You could be your best self and even then youâre not good enough for them. You could bring your wall down for someone, only to realise youâre a silly little girl who gets too excited.
My father used to call me âdeewaniâ as a child, which means crazy and obsessed in urdu, I think.
And he could not be far from right. I used to strut around like, yaaaa and whatttt?! Iâm a crazy, obsessive girl. Not in the Hitchcock schema of course, but that loser who burns herself out for others and then sits with her laptop because she realises no matter how much effort she puts in, in the end it will always be her alone in her bedroom.Â
Thatâs what I do I think, and I think thatâs why I get hurt more. I am a bloody passionate and affectionate person, and Iâm that crazy in love, obsessed with making everything happy kind of girl, with my family and my friends. I always treat people the way I think I would like to receive love and respect, and maybe for movies and books the love I give is poetic. But for real life, its not. For real life, it just hits you in the face and makes you feel lost, unloved and lonely.
 As a 24 year old woman I realise that.
Because no matter what you do you will never be enough. No matter how much you give yourself to someone, they will always look at what you donât do. And itâs not just once or twice, itâs a constant pattern making you question your self worth and diminish your confidence.
The real thing is no one cares. No one cares as much as you do, because no one knows what goes on inside your head or heart.Â
I feel like this is why Iâm so cold and guarded sometimes, because when you need help, no one is listening. Let me give you an example, so my mum said something to me the other day and it upset me. Like really, really hurt me. So what happened? I cried.
A few hours later, my mother is skyping with my sister and jokes about me crying and then my sister of course says something else about the incident and comparing me to people who are stupid.
So tell me one thing â why the hell do you think I never cry in front of people or show my emotions? Because it is never taken seriously. And then I have to take myself upstairs, cry on my bed for an hour, think about why I feel lonely all of a sudden and rant on tumblr, because I canât depend on people.Â
And I know Iâm not being a baby, because I never complain and I know how to have a positive mindset and attitude throughout my day. But when you feel lonely and unloved and not understood, it fucking sucks.Â
I think this is the part where I become a selfish bitch and block everyone out.Â
People are poison. I really donât think anyone is worth anything right now.Â
Itâs a shame I donât like animals.Â
