Left broken and torn
You asked for a break right before Valentineâs when I was drawing a vinyl cutout for matching hoodies. I cried. I begged. I said I can do better. I went out of my way to visit you. We had a wonderful week, you told me I was the perfect girlfriend. Then while we were cuddling before my flight back, you asked for a break; this was in March. You said you needed space to do the hobbies you enjoy, to better yourself, and have a better relationship with your family. The break would be 6 months with no contact. I was willing to give you space and let you do your own thing. We didnât have to be on the phone consistently; we have our own lives. I just want to be there to support you through the ups and downs; be your person that you can vent to and confide in. The stubborn in you left me crying on the plane on my way home. My cousins picked me up instead of my dad because I could not let him see me broken. My days were spent in bed, crying, with no appetite or desire to live. I did some self reflection on how I could be better: my short temper can be improved if I thought about the situation like would it matter in 10 min-1day from now? No? Then let it go. I can be petty at times, I understand that and I tried really hard to refrain myself from directing my snarky comments at you. You wanted to get back together 1.5 days later because you were rash, stubborn, and everything (passwords, phone screen, etc...) reminded you of me. Maybe it was only because you were lonely. Fast forward to September, I flew over to celebrate your stepdadâs birthday. We took a 3 hour road trip to spend time with your family. It was also the weekend I moved my clothes in because we were planning to live together by the end of October. From March to September, we have a few arguments, but we always talked through them. A few days after I returned home from the trip, you wanted to break up. You said this was too much commitment. Weâve been together for 4.5 years. You said you didnât want to marry me. specifically me. You said you wanted to get married, just not to me. You said when we first started dating, you liked me because I reminded you of your mom, how I was short tempered and bratty. You said if we had kids, our kids would gain all our bad characteristic traits. You said when couples are together, they tend to learn each othersâ traits. I agree. You said you donât like how youâve become short tempered, petty, and jealous. You were blaming me. Weâve had a long distance relationship for 4.5 years, I talk to you often, but Iâve never lived with you. You donât realize you can also learn characteristic traits from people in your environment. I acknowledged my bad characteristic traits and wanted to be better. Not just better for you, but for us. I said Iâm trying. You said some habits canât be unlearned, well more like you donât have the desire to change. You knew you were stubborn, but you said itâs hard to change. Then to wrap it all up, you said you wanted to date around before marriage. I understand that because this was your first relationship. You also said you donât want to keep stringing me along. SO YOU KNEW AND STILL HAD THE AUDACITY TO CONTINUE? I feel like a rag doll being tossed to the side when you no longer want to play with me. Why are you so selfish? Why did I give up my values and goals for you? Why do I still care about you even knowing all the shitty things that were said and done? Why canât I stop losing sleep over you? you even show up in my dreams.Â
Your words really donât match up with your actions. YOU were the one who wanted us to move in together. I was skeptical since I didnât get a job where you lived yet, but I was focusing all my energy to uproot my life for us. Then you hit me with all those hurtful words and still managed to say âactually they werenât mean, just brutally honest.â Iâll never understand how those words can be said to someone you claim to love, to care for, and miss. Even days before the break up, you consistently told me you loved me, you cared for me, and miss me. Did you even mean any of that?Â
You wanted me to empathize with you. I did. I understood your perspective. That doesnât mean I donât have my own perspective or feelings about something too. You canât just invalidate my feelings by telling me to have empathy. I understand what youâre going through and I feel for you. I wanted us to reach a compromise where it satisfies both of us. Empathy is now my trigger word.
Iâm mentally exhausted and drained. I no longer have the energy to deal with this.
