Here we are, many years later and our second attempt on trying to make this work. It’s weird, saying “we” and “our” even though it’s just me- I guess that’s just how I am. Anyways, before we get too off topic from the beginning, let me give a formal introduction to myself.
I’m currently on my junior year of high school with a lot of mix emotions- in a sense that my depression has only been the second biggest pain I’ve dealt with this year, the first being my medical issues. Next I’m constantly torn apart on how I should act with my friends- whether I should sugarcoat things or be blunt. But nonetheless, I’m still me. Constantly a stress ball who tends to love and care a little too much, but quite adventurous and wants to explore the world. My mum is still the most important person in my life and I want to make her proud- but by the end of the day I’m still me.
Now that my introduction is wrapped, my first post will be a “brief” recap of 2018. Instead of going by days or even months, I’m going to summarize seasons so it at least has the potential of being brief.
“Late” winter was a whirlwind of emotions. I was in the process of getting over a girl and watched her start dating my ex best friend. But at the same time- early on in the year I tried so hard to keep a positive outlook on the new year. Surrounding myself with friends who genuinely cared about me and overall, just trying to get a hold of myself. By the end of winter, I found myself falling head over heels on this foolish boy.
Khmer New Year’s came along and I promised myself that I was going to be happy, that my depression was only seasonal and I was going to start my recovery once again. Though that never fully happened, spring was quite messy. In a sense that some days and even weeks, I felt like I was standing on top of the world, with my head high up above the sky and the wind twirling through my hair- but then there were days that when the sun didn’t rise, I couldn’t either and just moped in my bed all day as I attempted to drown my sorrows. Spring ended with my feelings burned down to smithereens and the journey of getting a hold of myself restarted once again.
We move on to summer in which in the earlier part of the season I struggled both mentally and physically trying to finish off school. As soon as vacation started, my attempts of becoming happier increased and I found myself trying to occupy my mind. Writing songs and painting at 4 am became a usual, most- if not all, the time I was on a call. I found myself back in a situation with the same girl- though I knew that we would never work out (it was fun while it lasted). I celebrated my 16th and was conflicted. A month later I lost my best friend and it was like my depression never even left. Towards the end of summer, there were times I blamed myself for every mishap in my life but also times in which I only surrounded myself with love and warmth. I started my junior year and convinced myself I was going to change.
Autumn came around and though it’s my favorite season, I always get caught up with my emotions and my happiness drives further further away from me. Like the other seasons, autumn seemed so bipolar. I strived to take matters into my own hands and yet failed repeatedly. My medical issues came back and soon enough, I was missing days of school at a time and behind in all my classes. Junior year became even more stressful and I never hated myself more than I did then. It was no longer just my depression but instead- the overall thoughts and demons inside me. No poetry or spoken word I wrote made me sane. Autumn came to an end and I was beyond unhappy with the person I started to become.
The year came back to winter- I finally took control of my life and dealt with my depression more carefully. I isolated myself from my surroundings and environments- not because I believed I wasn’t loved or cared for (I know there are countless people who love me) but because I needed to do it for myself. In order to be sane, even the slightest, I had to deal with myself and only myself. Not telling others complications has been both helpful and quite frustrating. There are times where I feel like my life is so fucked up and I have nobody to go to and times that I’m glad I don’t have the constant panic of making people worry for me.
By the end of the day, I’m still me and I’m breathing. Though I haven’t found myself, I’m slowly getting a hold of myself and nonetheless I’m making progress. This year I hit pretty low- maybe not rock bottom, but there were times I was completely helpless. I’m human- I’m allowed to feel sad, angry, upset, happy, scared, excited, emotions, even if I can’t justify my feelings. I’m allowed to feel bad for others and myself. I’m allowed to cry at night when I can’t take it anymore. I’m allowed to celebrate the small milestones, even if nobody is watching. I’m allowed to be happy when I accomplish my goals and good things in life. I’m allowed to feel selfish when I think people are pitying me. By the end of the day, I am human- a human with emotions.
2018- my goal has been to conquer you contently and with the year ending in exactly 3 days, I can say that I successfully accomplished that. I’m depressed, anxious, happy even, still upset, lost- but I can acknowledge that. It hasn’t been an easy year- no year will ever be easy, but I’ve grown so much in 2018. Though I’m not happy with myself, I continue to push myself to do the things that make me happy, I’m a work in progress and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
And that concludes the first entry. The next one will be written in the new year, and hopefully on time. I hope this new year brings hardships and challenges, as well as love and warmth, but on top of all- growth. 2019 will not be my year, but it sure as hell won’t ruin me as I’m still on this journey of getting a hold of myself.
