Common experiences of lesbians who donāt know theyāre lesbians yet
Ā Out of curiosity, I recently googled āAm I lesbian quizā. Half theĀ āAre You a Lesbianā quizzes just asked outright, āAre you attracted to women?ā as though that isnāt the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.
These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize theyāre lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.
Itās mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if youāre a lesbian can be hard.
Deciding which guys to be attracted to ā not to date, but to be attracted to ā based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
Getting jealous of a specific female friendās relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys sheās with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch ā thatās a common lesbian thing
Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them ā and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesnāt meet them
Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way (losing interest when a long-haired or androgynous guy cuts off his hair or grows a beard is common)
Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
Having a lot of your āguyā crushes later turn out to be trans women
Feeling anxious and put on the spot any time you interact with any guy who could conceivably be interested in you, even if he doesnāt make a move
Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship youāve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man youāve actually met in that image
Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships youāve seen and/or regularly feeling like āmaybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like thatā
Thinking youāre commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it
Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate timeā or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally arenāt quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.
Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ācomfortably settledā part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you canāt identify
Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys youāre interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
Thinking youāre really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends donāt think youāre heartless
After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
Worrying that youāre broken inside and unable to really love anyone
Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
OR: preferring to 'be a teaseā to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
Only being comfortable with sex with men if thereās an extreme power imbalance
Only having sex with men thatās about fulfilling their fantasies or pleasing them
Spending the whole time making sure you look or sound hot and not really thinking about what feels good
Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you donāt understand that reaction and think youāre fine and that youāre crying etc for no reason)
Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy youāre āattractedā to
Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until youāve come to grips with your attraction to women
Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when youāre not that way with anyone else
Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (āto practice for boysā included)
Getting butterflies or feeling like you canāt get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldnāt articulate
Thinking relationships would be simpler āif only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I werenāt a girlā
When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of āif I was him/a man Iād never do that to her/my girlfriendā
Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking theyāre all ultra cool people
Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men, and being more careful not to look than they are
Spending a lot of time looking at women and appreciating/being curious about their bodies
Being really curious about women who defy gender roles in some way, finding defying gender roles in dress, behaviour, styling etc really appealing and cool
The 'straightā version of you
Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media
Thinking youāre just a super intense feminist for genuinely thinking women are amazing and having an overwhelming preference for their company
Being really into how women look āaestheticallyā/ājust as artistic interestā/āfashion goalsā
Thinking itās objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
Being a really intense LGBT+ āallyā and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming youāre just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic
Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you donāt understand to f/f love stories etc.
Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay
Exploring attraction to women
Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you canāt imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you canāt imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
Thinking you couldnāt be a lesbian because youāre not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the manās position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the womanās position
Really focusing on the women in het porn
Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys onā
Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when youāre inebriated or otherwise impaired
Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you canāt be a woman even if thatās what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since itās so bound up in heteropatriarchy
Knowing youāre attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if youāre a straight man or a lesbian
Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
Wishing straight people and/or men didnāt parse you as a woman, but being totally comfortable with the idea of other women seeing you as one of them
Knowing youāre attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing youāre actually a trans lesbian
Knowing youāre gay, but feeling like youāre struggling against comp het stuff ā discomfort, obligation, fear, disinterest, self-objectification, etc. ā when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing youāre a trans lesbian and not a gay man
Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time
Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you donāt already know you are one you canāt be
Feeling alienated from all the male-gazey unrealistic depictions of lesbians as only being young thin rich white cis abled conventionally attractive gender conforming straight actresses in tv/movies/porn and thinking that alienation means you canāt be gay
Discovering that your type is gnc women or women who share your underrepresented demographic and thatās why youāre not really attracted to celebrities
Not feeling attracted to straight women but suddenly having lots of crushes when you know for sure certain women are bi/gay
Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like youāre just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean youāre a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that canāt be for you
Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you canāt be a lesbian
Worrying that bc you canāt be 100% sure youāre not attracted to men and canāt be 100% sure you wonāt change your mind, you canāt be a lesbian
Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of/lack of interest in any sex at all) mean youāre not a Real Lesbian
Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. Itās all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If youāre worried that you canāt be a lesbian even though itās the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.Ā
And if youāre not sure yet ā if you took the time to read this entire thing because youāre curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list ā you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly arenāt cishet. Welcome.
(Iād love to hear other things lesbians wish youād known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)
