The Blatant Truth

about what’s going on in my mind trough the colorful turmoils of life.

[tragicallycasualconversation]

I call it a Hall

Day in 

And Day out

I wander about

I pace the short doorway

I call a hall

It seems longer

Longer than the hours I spend

Wandering

Wandering through the short doorway I call a hall

I always seem to find myself in downward talk

Wandering though my hall

I pace and I pace and I think with much haste

About why I call my short doorway a hall

Why at all do I see a hall

When others call 

A door a door and 

A frog a frog

I see people and I see fog

A fearful gray cloud

I try to avoid them

Thus wander around

I wander around my hall

Until it feels like the short doorway it is

Until I feel the crown molding crowning my head

Until I feel the passing through of a short doorway in what felt like a long hall

I call it a hall

It always feels longer

[tragicallycasualconversation]

Springing into Spring

I’m finding myself more and more frantic. I want to do something with my time but not just anything, I want to do something impactful and meaningful to others. I have found joy and fulfillment in the past in HR but I feel that time is coming to a close and I want to find new challenges and new department operations that suit me. I know I am supportive and skilled in organizing and maintaining and office from administration to paperwork and filing systems, I have a real joy in decluttering things and bringing peace to a place. I’ve recently begun that same step in my own home. I have found it very calming to finally go through the old junk mail and be sure what to shred and scan and file. I have a calming sense coming about the home as well. I have been eating more and doing well. I have even begun working out

A lot has changed in this month of March, madness to say the least. But I feel like things are only going to get better from here on up.

[tragicallycasualconversation]

Just absolutely frustrated

I cannot fathom how I am this upset over something seemingly so small, but… I hate when I get attitude regarding things a not in my control; Especially when it has been agreed upon prior - but now we wanna be mad.

I just want to vent that I’m feeling very much like I need an outlet and I’m becoming more and more pent up and growing to like it less and less.

I once received an offer to be a stay at home wife of 7 pomeranians….. I wonder wat my life would look like if I changed my mind from what I thought I wanted to what I want….

[tragicallycasualconversation]

Music In The Air

I miss that… I miss choir and choral structures. I miss hearing chords shift and crescendo and fade away. I miss the last air you let out before along few counts of a note you know needs to resonate with the choir.

I miss reading music, I miss going over the staffs and stretching my fingers for the jump on the piano. I miss the praise of a song well rehearsed and the spontaneity of a song well belted.

I have certainly found something within Karaoke and the stage and limelight. I truly have begun singing for only myself and I feel the applause has resounded louder since making that change. I believe in myself so much more than I did before. I know what I am worth and what I can do.

[tragicallycasualconversation]

an Update

Hello everyone,

It’s been a long time since I used this platform to unwind - but I’ve been out living a life, finally.

The chapter in the previous story…did indeed come to an end.

 But in it’s closure came the bindings of a new book, a new story..

I am now excitedly engaged to a Tinder-date-gone-extremely-well. ;-)

I intend to spend the rest of my life with this man and I am very excited to be able to, at long last, say I am on the same page as my partner. I am so grateful for the communication we have, and the trust we give each other, even when grace and third chances aren’t necessarily deserving given the nature of some of my outbursts. I can say I have come to grow to be a better person for this person who is a better man for me and for the children he wants me to bear. I hope somehow… the knight of the story prior might see my fairytale ending one night. If this ever made it to Reddit, he’d find it I’m sure - but I hope somehow he can know I am happy finally… and they may sound mean..but only he would understand the peace it may bring. I know it would bring me peace knowing he is somewhere happy with someone new. I can only hope that one day I can have this tragically casual conversation with my new knight. I wish he could understand the friendship I left behind but I also respect the bindings of books. Stories can’t always intertwine. It is sometimes best to simply put the old book down.

[tragicallycasualconversation]

Good date

So

Today’s date was at an animal exhibit a couple cities away. The freeway drive was a little nerve wrecking but everyone gets a little road rage now and then - I get that.

We walked around for a couple hours petting different animals and feeding birds. It was cool. I just didn’t care to be there with you. And that’s really awful, I know. I just kept getting irritated about being asked every decision of the day. I really hoped you would take some charge. I guess I just want to feel some effort again like you should shower and wear clean underwear for me. I think I’m worth that at least.

The locations and the snacks were cool but it was just checking off a list. I don’t think you made any connection between us actually having something to do and having an actual date planned. I want us to be more than thrown together.

As cute as today should have been there was no magic and I hate myself for it but I know what I have to do.

[tragicallycasualconversation]

I need to let you go

Even if I think you could be “the one”. I’m so bitter towards our relationship. I don’t look forward to our outings because they’re not adventures anymore. I know what’s going to come. A poitnless argument followed by an empty apology coming from whichever one of us is more annoyed to start fighting again.

On our walk up to the front door you said “it was nice to be with you for a while” and I said “...while it lasted”. I realized then that I was over us a long time ago.

I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you I feel wrong about us. The right time, over the past 3 years, has never come along. I don’t know how I managed to dig myself so deeply into your family but I’m afraid of the roots I may tear if I try to leave. I feel like I can’t break my promises to you. But even the most wonderful of promises I made sound like heavy burdens to carry out now and I wonder how much you will hate me for stringing you on for so long.

Even though I never meant to. I fell so in love with you but I knew college would change us both. I haven’t been happy in a really long time and I’m afraid it’s because I need to let you go but can’t. Our fighting isn’t healthy. My depression is worse. I’ve lost unhealthy amounts of weight to the point where my family is asking if I’m alright. I’m bitter towards any obligation with you like the movies or a grocery run.

I just feel like we need to be able to recognize a bad habit and cut it off and I’m sorry to say I might need to do just that. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this slowly. Ripping off a bandaid might be the best option

but if I’m miserable for the rest of my life for leaving....