tales of testosterone

transition diary of certified fireboy, gray nausikaa. he/him. gnc trans guy. started T on 1.28.18. top surgery on 1.8.19. ( about • gender faq/manifesto )

[transfireboy]

3.19.20 -- at fiance house waiting for animal crossing to drop so the lighting is weird but. need a haircut. i think his mom is gonna cut it bc i dont think any salons are open anymore lol

[transfireboy]

2.27.20 -- shaving every three days now, as one does

i need a haircut but i rly love the way my facial hair looks. that kind of short-trimmed purposeful stubble that is both clean and masculine... i really like it

[transfireboy]

top surgery: a retrospective

one year ago, i went into the OR as a fearful, reticent trans boy. my chest dysphoria was quite frankly ruining my life. i couldn't exercise, couldn't sing, couldn't go swimming, couldn't leave the house without putting on a binder and constantly worrying about if it was working or not, couldn't stay out for more than three hours without wanting to go home and finally take it off. binding for more than five years made me exhausted, and no matter how safely i did it, it still restricted my breathing, made every minute uncomfortable. i was tired and shy and missed out on so much simply because of the toll binding was taking on my body and mental health.

one year ago i emerged from the OR a new man. and i have never regretted a moment of it.

after top surgery, i felt my quality of life improve drastically. i don't know how it happened, but my self-image dramatically shifted and my confidence shot up. after the initial two-month healing period, i was finally able to exercise again, and immediately threw myself into taking up DDR, an old passion that i was unable to participate in for half my life. i started wearing tank tops and rediscovered my love for them. i gained the confidence to finally re-introduce myself to communities and people that i thought i would never be strong enough to join. i went to a party at MSD in july, and immediately felt accepted and welcomed by the entire group; my first time swimming shirtless was there, and it was a relief i never thought i would experience. i learned what it was like to be considered attractive and desired by cis gay and bi men. i became actively involved in MSD and the bemani community; i spent my summer alive in a way that would have been impossible for me before surgery. along with being one year on testosterone at that point, i felt so much more confident in myself, like i was allowed to be in public without the constant fear of being perceived as female, and the absence of that fear liberated me, made me more outgoing, more charismatic. i had the hot boy summer i had always dreamed of.

it's been a year since my surgery and my scars have healed really well. originally i was afraid they would be ugly forever (and they were quite gruesome at first) but by six months they had faded enough for me to go swimming and not feel unsightly. the healing process in general went so much easier than i expected; i was able to take my drains out after a week, and there was barely any pain after the first few days (which admittedly sucks for everyone no matter what.) top surgery was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and if anyone reading this is considering it but having doubts: it might just be the best thing that happens to you too.

i have to thank melissa johnson, my surgeon, and pioneer valley plastic surgery for making this possible; if you're in the western mass area and looking for surgeons i highly recommend them. here are a few pictures from a year ago vs today!

[transfireboy]

AFTER ALMOST TWO YEARS

IM STARTING TO GROW CHEST HAIR

[transfireboy]

yeah ok ill bite

nov 2009 to nov 2019

ten years is a long time and ive never been happier

[transfireboy]

11.7.19 -- the gender euphoria this time comes from being hit on at the round 1 by a cute guy, then being told by my ddr friend that he hits on all the guys there, and then when i went "o....h.... i wasnt sure if he mistook me for a girl or not" (im not out to him) he was like "wait. you get mistaken for a girl? YOU do?" and it was the most validating thing ever

i got a haircut too and messy hair w a shorter haircut is always better than messy hair w long shaggy hair

also ddr is bulking up my shoulders and i keep getting told that i have a nice broad back so thats another thing

[transfireboy]

scars also definitely lightened up a lot more since june.

i also cant tell if thats chest hair but i havent been able to grow chest hair for the life of me so....

[transfireboy]

10.3.19 -- i need a haircut but at least my bangs look all sweepy and stuff

gonna be at msd this weekend which always gives me gender euphoria so.... good mood even if i dont look like it rn

[transfireboy]

9.5.19 -- I FIGURED IT OUT. i got an electric razor and FIGURED IT OUT. basically i just needed that and to use the 3mm beard guard and the 1mm stubble guard for under the chin and now i have that sweet stubble. its perfect. or it would be if it was a little darker around my chin but hopefully that will come in time.

god i was so stumped on what to do w my facial hair but now i get it. thank god

[transfireboy]

8.19.19 -- help i still dont know how to facial hair AND im breaking out

[transfireboy]

also my scars look so much lighter (+ tattoo which has healed nicely)

the other day i went in the hot tub shirtless and in swim trunks around other ppl besides my fiance for the first time and it was both scary and great

[transfireboy]

6.20.19 — the cool thing abt being male is that im legally allowed to be a mess and not actually required to look perfect every day

my vain ass might not quite agree but im exhaused and dont rly care

[transfireboy]

6.14.19 — long time no post but thats mainly bc i feel like nothing is particularly changing as fast as it used to. anyway check out my new unhappy refrain tattoo and also my summer scruffy disheveled beach boy look. i need more tank tops

i literally forgot my shot all of yesterday and only remembered at like 4am get it together useless trans

anyway playing ddr and going to karate has also filled out my shoulders and biceps and i might get morgan to take a picture of them bc i cant do it myself. now if only i could get rid of the fat on my hips

[transfireboy]

4.18.19 — heres the “end of the semester dying inside” look in all its glory

im growing out both my hair and sideburns and im actually liking the look. having longer sideburns and facial hair on my jaw is also helping me pass i think. i had this rly nice shaggy flippy hair look back in 2017 and i missed it and thought it would look great w my facial hair now so im doing that again

this is probably gonna be less than weekly updates now bc theres rly not much to update on anymore

[transfireboy]

3.30.19 — this isnt post shot but since i didnt make a post on thursday itll have to do

im not having a very good week genderwise. i got misgendered by my prof who has known me for two years and has never once misgendered me before, and then twice on the street in noho. i dont know what im doing wrong but im fucking depressed over it. i thought i was done with this. ive been on T for 14 months now and im still getting this. i feel absolutely horrible thanks

my chin is clearing up tho and my scars are also getting lighter

[transfireboy]

3.8.19 — i havent shaved in two days bc i wanted to try out the attractively stubbly look but my chin is breaking out bc im in sensory hell with the stubble and cant stop touching it. its bad. ill go another day and if its still bad ill just give up

im tired and i dont like the roller ball on my scar gel it makes it so much harder to apply it. i went to look for the strips but they only had short ones and not long ones so i just stuck w the gel Which Was Also Expensive. god why do all scar products have to be like $30

[transfireboy]

2.28.19 shirtless pics as if yall havent seen enough of this lol

im just proud of how its healing even tho i ran out of scar sheets AND scar gel a few days ago so once i have the money ill have to go buy more