A Trans Man's Partner

formerly All the Validation

[transmanpartner]

hiatus

just wanted to let you all know that Will is doing fabulous in recovery (tracking everything diligently on @journeyintomanhood) and in England for his semester abroad. I’m not producing a ton of content right now, but I am still listening; I’ll be keeping an eye on my inbox if anyone has any questions or stories or anything. Let me know what’s up with you all, especially if you have questions about supporting a partner through top surgery. 

[projectqueer]

Washington state has enacted a pro-trans policy on bathroom use, officials announced on Tuesday (5 December).

Under the new rules, quietly adopted by the state human rights commission on 26 December, all buildings open to the public – including schools – must allow people to use restrooms, showers and locker rooms corresponding with their gender identity.

‘Transgender people are already living and working in Washington State, and we think they should be treated with dignity and respect like everybody else,’ Margaret Chen, a staff attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union, told AP.

Sexual orientation is a protected class under the state’s anti-discrimination law and includes gender identity and expression, and the new policy clarifies this. Last week, New York City announced the nation’s toughest laws on transgender discrimination, under which violators who repeatedly call a transgender woman ‘him’ or ‘Mr’ can be fined up to $250,000.

After the Supreme Court’s June ruling legalizing gay marriage nationwide, social conservatives have turned their attention to bathroom bills, arguing that allowing transgender people to use restrooms of their gender identity would open the door for sexual predators to go into women’s toilets.

[transqueermediaexchange-deactiv]

Why the Growing Alliance Between Police and White LGBTQIA+ Folks Is a Problem

Many white people in LGBTQIA+ communities see police as friends to the community, and incarceration as “a practical solution.” Here's why we need to remember history and the reality of racialized police violence.

[thetrevorproject]

Trans woman holds holiday open house for those estranged from family

A transgender woman in Halifax holds a holiday open house at her home, offering up a place for queer and transgender people who need a warm and inviting place to be.

“Each Christmas, Laura Shepherd holds a holiday open house at her home in Halifax for queer and transgender people who need a warm and inviting place to be.” “The greatest gift you can give someone is “unconditional respect for their self-determination.”  

We are so thankful for people like Laura Shepherd, who devote their time and spaces to making supportive and welcoming environments for LGBTQ folks during the holiday season. If you need anything at all, we are here to support you at 866-488-7386 and thetrevorproject.org.

[projectqueer]

I am reeling after just reading a recent interview with so-called “the beloved philosopher and author of Gender Trouble” entitled Why Do Men Kill Trans Women? (it’s a do not link,because I don’t want to give it any more traffic.)

At first sight it is simply an academic who shares their views on killings of trans persons of colour in the USA; upon closer inspection,it is appropriation of all the work trans activists of colour have been doing, regurgitating their work and narrative without any attribution. In academic terminology, it would – in my opinion – be close to plagiarism. But more galling is the continuing trend of privileged, white, academics speaking for communities they do not belong to. 

The world has seen amazing activism of transgender people of colour, trans woman and trans men, non-binary and gender non-conforming activists of colour who have bravely stood up; yet their voices are simply silenced as a white academic decides to speak about them, for them, and in words that objectify them.

CLICK THE HEADER LINK TO READ THE FULL ARTICLE.

[anarcha-princess]

i just wanna love and protect all the queer and lgbt and nb babies forever i love u all & we’ll get through this and we’ll fuck shit up some day

[projectqueer]

Transgender judge appointed for first time in Manitoba history

The Manitoba court has a new transgender judge, and his appointment is a milestone for the province. Kael McKenzie says he is happy to be a role model for people in the transgender community.

Kael McKenzie was appointed to the bench this week by an independent judicial nominating committee. He worked for a private practice and as a Crown attorney before getting the new job.

“I had to ask them to clarify: "What do you mean I’ve been appointed?’” he said. “It was surreal for me.”

McKenzie’s appointment is the first time in the province’s history a transgender person has been made a judge.

[transmanpartner]

Day 5 Post Top Surgery: Partner’s POV

Will’s account of today 

Today has been funny but all in good ways. We had a really late start - I think we got out of bed around noon - and Will was really sleepy for most of the afternoon. But this evening, his range of motion is a lot better, and he can do more for himself - feeding, drinking, even cooking a little bit. We’re trying to watch his energy levels really carefully but also trying not to drive ourselves totally up the walls. 

He’s feeling really down about not being able to shower, but on the upside, today he was able to read to keep himself occupied which was really nice for the both of us. We had some hours with no TV, just Christmas music and relaxing (he coloured and read while I did some computer work) and it was really nice. 

The drains are steadily going down more and more with each day - there’s less and less coming out each time, which is really nice. 

Tomorrow we’re going to attempt to go out for a bit and we are both honestly so excited. 

[transmanpartner]

Day 3 & 4 Post Top Surgery: Partner’s POV

Will’s account of Day 3 Will’s account of Day 4

These days were sort of very much the same; Will was heavily medicated still, but we also had some visitors on both days. He was less drugged out yesterday but overall it’s been very much the same in and out. He was making a big effort to take little walks a couple times a day.  His energy seemed better on day 4 but after two rounds of visitors he was quite sleepy; we also started to wean him off the T3s on day 4, testing out going one every 8 hours instead of 1 or 2 every four hours. 

[journeyintomanhood]

Day 2 Post-Chest Surgery: December 16th 2015

This day was good because it was just me and my Girlfriend so we got to both relax and spent some quality time together. I napped for a few hours in the early evening but mostly just watched Netflix and coloured a bit. I still couldn’t feed myself or hold a cup. I could occasionally get up or lie down by myself but generally needed someone to help me. I went for a couple more and longer walks around the house and found standing to be easier. I felt quite swollen and bruised and there was quite a bit of pain so I took two T3s every 4 hours. The drains were still producing about 30mL every twelve hours. The day was kind of just a blur of being sleepy.

[transmanpartner]

I could make a whole separate independent post for this day but I’m honestly not going to because I just honestly do not have much to add.  We napped a lot this day, which was glorious. He was quite sore but mostly it was just a blur of being able to really rest. We had a bit of trouble getting back to sleep after the 4:45 AM alarm went off for more pain meds, but it’s not like we have anything else to be doing right now aside from helping him get better ASAP so we just gave ourselves permission to have a fucked up sleep schedule and popped on some Friends until we both drifted back to sleep around 8AM or so. 

[transmanpartner]

Day 1 Post Top Surgery (Partner POV)

Will’s account of the day

So this was our first full day at home post-surgery, and followed our first full night at home post-surgery, which included two wake-ups for pain meds. We did the drains every 12 hours (8 and 8). I spent the night on the floor, and ended up spending the next couple nights on the floor as well, just because I’m what Will gently calls an “active sleeper” and neither of us wanted to risk me hitting his chest in my sleep or something.  His appetite was way better than I expected, but he did need to be spoonfed, which was an idea he hadn’t been very happy about pre-surgery. But he was actually really great about it in the moment. He ate a ton, but in little bursts; two pirogies here, some soup there, two more pirogies later, lots of oranges, some avocado with pasta and chicken, so on. 

I had to go to a work lunch which was really irritating but nice - I enjoyed the lunch, I love my coworkers, but I just wanted to be home and resting with Will most of all. Will’s mum left while I was gone and my dad stopped in to sit with Will until I got home that afternoon. 

The drains were much simpler than I was expecting, and luckily Will didn’t feel any discomfort when I emptied them. The hospital sent us home with a pamphlet that was really clear on what I needed to do, and also the nurse who walked me through it was great.  I highly recommend making a pill schedule and setting alarms on your phone!  I had alarms for the pills every four hours, the drains every twelve hours, and a piece of paper where I had all the meds he needed along with the durations (i.e. “1-2 T3s every 4 hours”), and I noted down the time/amount/type of med on the paper so I could keep track of it all. 

After my dad left, we both just got to be alone for the first time since the day before the surgery (when Will’s mum came over), and it was really wonderful to just fully rest. It didn’t feel like work at all even with the pill schedule and the drains and the spoon feeding. 

[transmanpartner]

Top Surgery from the Partner’s POV: Surgery Day

So on the day of, Will was scheduled to check in at the hospital at 6 AM, so we had to be up and in the car for 4:45 AM, which to be honest was great because we didn’t spend a lot of time the day of just twitching time away, but also terrible because I am not very well-suited to mornings and felt subhuman at best. 

He left us to start disinfecting and whatnot around 7 AM. 

Then, his mum and I basically puttered around the city, getting breakfast, doing some errands, getting coffee, and reading, until ONE THIRTY PM when the hospital finally called us to let us know we could pick him up in about half an hour. This was probably the hardest part of the entire process for me, just the not knowing what was happening and also the multiple places/activities. I think there are roughly two types of ways people cope when their loved ones are in the hospital: they either like to get very busy to keep their mind off of things, or they like to stay as close as possible to the hospital. Neither method is better or worse, but unfortunately Will’s mum falls solidly in the camp of liking to be busy and I fall in the camp of wanting to just camp out in the hospital and drink coffee. So that was really hard.

I was so so so happy to pick him up, I honestly felt like I had full on tunnel vision at that point, I just wanted to see him. He looked really pale in the face, and was a bit dizzy when he had to stand up for me to dress him, and the pain was obviously present, but he seemed largely alright.  The ride home was hard; any sort of stop and bump in the road seemed to cause him a lot of pain which wasn’t the best, obviously. 

And then home, Will blearily explaining Buffy the Vampire Slayer to his mum (”vampires don’t have souls. But Angel has a soul”) and loads of sleep.  I know that the drains are sort of an intimidating concept to a lot of partners, I think, but overall I found the drains less unwieldy/irritating than the pain meds at first - he needed one or two T3s every four hours, so we were up twice a night. Nothing was really that irritating, though, just because this is such a happy event, you know? More on the process of the drains in the next post. 

Will’s account of the day 

[transmanpartner]

Post-Surgery Notes

To be dead honest, Will has kept WAY more thorough notes through this whole process than I have (which is totally embarrassing because he’s been whacked out on T3s and I’ve just been sleepy), so I’m going to be reblogging his notes on each day post-surgery and just adding my own thoughts to them. 

[transmanpartner]

Day 5 Post Op

I have seriously been slacking on here, but I swear I have a good excuse.  Recovery is going really well; aside from both of us going a bit squirrelly from not being able to do much besides sit in bed and watch TV! I have some more detailed notes that I’ll put later, but for now - it’s going well. Deliriously happy and totally exhausted. 

[transqueermediaexchange-deactiv]

This Model Just Became The First Openly Trans Person To Wed On Reality TV

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[ryansallans]

The Washington Post Style Guide Now Accepts Singular ‘They’

(via The Washington Post Style Guide Now Accepts Singular ‘They’ | Mental Floss)

I’ve been using ‘they’ in the singular form when writing healthcare curriculums, and also in a peer-reviewed journal article that I co-authored. I love the freedom that it allows, and can’t wait to see this adopted more widely as acceptable in singular form. 

[free-your-mind]