journal - 4.24.26 - tw tw tw for body image shit
i feel like my confidence has hit an all time low.
physically, i'm so unhappy with my body. i know being in a relationship i shouldn't feel the way i do, but there's something about the world seeing me as like...not that desirable that fucks me up. i just want to feel...idk? conventional? normal?
i'm surrounded by people whose bodies i'd love to have. i find myself body checking more and more. every morning i look to see if maybe somehow i'll wake up and be okay with the shape im in. hasn't happened yet.
i want to be thinner. or to have a bigger chest to even it out. i hate looking at my swollen neck and shoulders and flat chest and pudgy stomach. and it sucks having all of this but being at a very healthy weight.
i want to be able to exercise when i have time and energy to, but im in so much pain that i can't.
mentally, i just don't have confidence in my abilities lately. i feel stupid, and useless. im terrified my boss is going to hate me. we're 3 years apart and she's almost done with a doctorate and i don't even have my masters. i feel like i ask stupid questions because sometimes i have to repeat myself to understand the reply. i hate being adhd. i hate being autistic. i hate feeling like i dont deserve my professional life. i hate that my last job ground up the little security i had in my skills. i hate that im so anxious over negative feedback, or that it hurts my feelings. i want to be so much more than i am.
personally, i struggle with how my friends see me. my partner and my best friend are the traditionally attractive, physically and socially desirable, personable ones. the ones people gravitate to in literally every aspect. im sad. i just want to be more like them. i want people to want to talk to me, or be friends with me. but i know part of it is my fault for being too quiet, not saying much in social situations. logically i know that. but sometimes even when i am trying it feels like no one wants me. it makes me sad to feel like im living on an island, watching everyone laugh on their boats as they drift by.
idk. im trying to keep myself going and busy but it's hard. and eating is hard. but i don't want to slip into bad habits and skip meals and push myself. that's not going to do anything anyway, losing weight by not eating isn't the body i want. so it's not the goal here. but eating is hard, because it feels like everything i put in my body makes me hate it more.
i dont want to burn out. i feel like after only 6 weeks of a new job i havent earned that. what do i even do, sit at a desk all day? (though my therapist points out, i also: have to code switch, have to mask, have to pretend to be the person my boss wants me to be, have to help students, have to manage my own projects, live in a disabled body, deal with ocd and severe anxiety, etc)
i also am so tired of switching medications. it is so fucking demoralizing feeling so broken that meds barely help. these new ones make me less depressed i guess but i feel like my anxiety is out of control now. i just want to feel like a person. it feels like im on life support some days, and it feels like a waste of resources. all of these medications to help me function like a normal person and they dont even fully work. maybe im just not compatible with life lol. not in an "i need to die way". just in a "i need to get over it and deal" way. idk. it's embarrassing having a list of diagnoses. idk why people online self diagnose as if any of this is fun. as if i WANTED any of this. if i could be normal all of this would be so much easier.
i have to get dressed for work now. so. go me. i guess.