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EXPECTATIONS
Today's Document
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@trissaysmoi
blog sections (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧
#trissaysmoi - main tag
#daily journal - my journal entries
#for keeps - stuff i find on the internet that i'd like to remember
#self affirmation - self explanatory
#my moodboards - sometimes i take pics that are aesthetic enough to turn into a moodboard
#my essay - long rants and lore dumps
Things I learned after being fully employed for a year (and a half)
The world is big and it's calling you to explore it. I can't stress this enough, but I didn't expect to enter that industry, and I mean this in a positive way. I never thought I'll get to work in that kind of environment and experience those things professionally and personally. And it all started in showing up.
Be adaptable. Learn to compromise. This is your key to get along and being able to work professionally with people of different personalities and character, which is the reality of the career world. Adaptability and as my trainer once said 'being a sponge' is critical in a world that's ever dynamic. Learn to adjust, and quickly. This is such a golden skill.
Master the art of listening. Accept constructive criticism and apply it to whatever you do. People give that not to despise or destroy you. They give that because they care for you and they want you to be better. Listening is the best method to learn.
Despite the demands of the job, make room for art, for play, for whimsy. Find a hobby that sparks joy and flourish in it. Do silly side quests every now and then to spice things up in an otherwise repetitive routines of the work life. You don't have to be good at it.
Take things one task, one day at a time. While I was still working, I'm also pursuing some personal projects at the side as well as errands. And it's important to take these one at a time. You've already done so much in one day by being at work for eight hours! Don't be too harsh on yourself. Even at work, it's also important to apply this. This is much more productive and efficient than multitasking, I promise.
Find people that matches your vibe. It's the key to make every working day bearable. Build good connections with them. You'll be seeing these same faces for as long as you're in the company.
Allow yourself to grow. Constantly remind yourself that you have the freedom to leave when the job no longer serves you. It takes courage but it's worth it.
Entertain any opportunity that comes your way. Don't dismiss them just because you're too busy. These opportunities arrive for a reason. It's a call for growth. Embrace it. My company had many resources (podcasts, courses, programs, webinars) and I utilized them as much as I can. In return, I learned so much which is always a win.
Know when to rest. Some of my rest days I spent on hibernating which is my ancient term for bedrot. And it's okay! It's natural for our mind and bodies to crave to do nothing. Accept it. Don't fight it because your body knows what and when it needs the most. You don't have to be productive all the time.
Workmates are there to support you. They're not enemies. Don't feel threatened. This is something I learned the hard way. I have a toxic defense mechanism where I treat new people as a threat which in reality, they're not!
Support your workmates when something good happens to them. Don't let jealousy take over you. Your time will come. Another thing I learned the hard way because I'm prone to be jealous. I'm working on it now, though.
I officially left my job
I had my final shift yesterday. Work went on as usual but I'm aware that every action I do inside the office is my last one. During lunch, my work friends asked me how I'm feeling. It would be safe to say it feels liberating (well it is) but I found myself saying that I'm having mixed emotions about it.
Perhaps it's the temporary emotions taking over me. The feeling of sadness because I'll miss everything about the job. I'll miss how light the workload is and how it's giving me the work-life balance I dreamed of. I'll miss my work friends and the bond I created with them. And frankly, I'll miss being financially compensated well. Considering I didn't even plan to enter that industry on purpose, everything that happened since I got hired was a pleasant surprise.
But I'm also acknowledging that this is the right time for me to leave. The new academic year is approaching, and I have to start moving. I also know that I might feel miserable if I stay there for the next six months. Things are stagnant now. I'm starting to feel stuck in my comfort zone and knew I had to do something. I just did what I had to do for myself.
After the shift, my boss threw me a farewell dinner. There I ultimately shared to everyone why I'm leaving, and I feel so touched seeing them root for me. They're just so supportive and sweet and kind and nice and good at their jobs. I couldn't have asked for a better team to be with. I feel so lucky being able to work with these incredibly smart people. I reminded them in the short notes I gave to them how capable they are of so much more things. It's my subtle way of saying that they're more than just BPO agents and I hope they allow themselves to grow in such beautiful ways just like what I'm about to do with my own life.
I'm wishing them all the best and I'll continue rooting for them. I hope to see them again soon.
Updating my take on separating the art from the artist (as a media consumer in my 20s)
Disclaimer: All views are my own. Might be cancellable and highly controversial idk.
As I get to know my new current interest through the internet, I came across what seems to be their only major issue so far. That discovery made me reflect on what I am as media consumer.
Since my teens, I'm one of those "woke" fans that doesn't believe in separating the art from the artist. Back then, I believed that their art reflects their character and if it has a mismatch, then it's not for me. I'll stop supporting them and consuming their work.
But right now, I'm in an age where it's okay to separate the art from the artist. The point is that there are lots of layers and degrees in media consumption. Perhaps this is a reminder to set boundaries. You can enjoy ALL media but know your boundaries. To what extent you can be a "fan" of something? To what extent you can just be a "consumer" or an "observer"? To what extent you blur the two?
For example, you may be a fan of something if the artist/art aligns to your values. This is the tier where you can publicly show your affection towards the thing. If they don't align to your values but still want to consume their thing, you can still do, but it would be best to keep the affection in private. The point is like what you like! Life is too short to suppress yourself.
Unless the thing is directly complicit to the world issues right now or literally killing people.
See? It's really all about layers and degrees. It's a case-to-case basis on how bad the flaw is. After all, above their craft, these are real people who commits mistakes. (Although it would've been better if they hold themselves accountable. It's an infuriating thing but we don't hold their lives, do we?)
Also, we should be past the time for parasocial relationships between fans and artists. This is another application of setting boundaries. We should always ground ourselves on the fact that we have our own lives to live. The artists have their own lives to live. We connect to them through their craft and nothing else. They're not actually our friends.
If they do bad decisions, it's their call. We can try to call them out but don't expect anything in return. If they respond, that's great but if they don't, don't be surprised. Again, it's their life and we're not involved in it directly.
The imperfections of people are the reason why I'm not a big fan of "idol" culture. People are holding them up to a standard when they are human beings with flaws. My current system on media consumption is that I start as an "observer", then a "consumer". If they're genuinely good people is the only time I elevate myself to a "fan" status where I can rave about them publicly without guilt. #
Lemme type some quick words before I go to sleep.
The last entry I posted here is me being exhausted about being a functioning adult with an unnecessary pressure and negative thoughts I made up in my brain. Right after that episode, Artemis II and Project Hail Mary happened.
These events were the hope I needed that came at the perfect time. For context, I'm an astronomy enthusiast since childhood, ever since I learned about the solar system in 5th grade. I'm fascinated about the stars and galaxies and how we're just a pale blue dot in the vast universe. I once dreamed about becoming an astronaut or an astrophysicist, but I set them aside thinking I'm not good enough.
These two events finalized my return to STEM. What the astronauts of Artemis II had achieved, and their words inspired me to go beyond what I had initially set for myself and just go for it. They made me realize that there are people believing in me and so, I have to believe in myself as well.
They also reminded me of the art of showing up. Always, no matter how difficult some of the days are. I fully realized how actually harsh I treat myself and how I take life too seriously. They reminded me to find little joys in my daily life. They taught me to remove the pressure on myself, stop seeking for perfection, and just get things done.
(I'm planning to compile all of their wise words soon because they're all so inspiring :) )
Now, what does a sci-fi film has to do with this? It doesn't necessarily want me to become an astronaut again but to be involved in astronomy? Hell yes.
I can see so much of myself on the main character. Ryland Grace started off as a coward. Doubtful of his capabilities and fearful of risks. It got the better of him, just like my coward ass succumbing to imposter syndrome when I dropped engineering. Eventually, he regained his autonomy and he came out of the film as confident and so sure of himself in his own abilities and purpose. It's something I want to do as well.
Week 15
I wasn't able to update my daily journal for the past few days. A lot has happened, not physically but mentally. It was overwhelming, so I'm gonna unpack all my thoughts and emotions in this update. I was meaning to do this in my notebook, but I expect this to be so long that my hands might get hurt writing this. I'll put it here instead.
We have new members in the team. And every time there are new people in my radar, my defense mechanism puts up. In my head, I see them as a threat. That's what's going on in my mind this week. It doesn't help that one of them is good. I feel threatened that they might replace me in the team.
I feel useless in the team. My workmates have these additional roles that I don't have. The thing is, I shouldn't feel this because I stepped down from my role last January because I'm done doing stuff beyond my job description (initially I accepted it for experience).
But yeah, all these things in my head, I shouldn't be feeling and thinking about this. Somehow I still do, and it sucks big time.
Another topic I want to touch on is that I realized how dangerous it can be to become self-aware and self-reliant. As an only child, being independent has been ingrained to me ever since. I have to learn it because since childhood, I don't have anyone else to rely to.
I'm so used to it but there are times when it hits me how alone I am. This week, it hit me really hard. We have a new station arrangement at work and my new seatmates are people I'm not too close with. I always end up being silent the entire shift. Meanwhile, I see my 'much closer' friends chatting on the other side.
I don't have someone to talk to at work and at home. I need physical affection but my friends are far away. The closest thing I have is my cat. It feels miserable.
I say it's dangerous to be self-aware coz I always analyze my thoughts and actions. Why did I do/say/think this? I mean, sure, it can be fine but too much of it can be exhausting. It feels like a marathon inside my brain.
I also feel like I'm doing this to be worthy of my existence in this world. It's frustrating why do I keep doing this? Why don't I just exist?
Being self-reliant is also dangerous because most of the time I'll end up dealing with my own problems which amplifies my feeling of being alone and having no one else to rely to.
I feel the problem, I recognize it, I let it sit for some time, feel it at most part, find a solution, let go of it, and move on. That's been the routine I've built and it's a cycle. And I did it all alone.
Although, I've been trying so hard to do it less alone. Eventually, I found some people I can vent my feelings with. My learning continues.
As always I'll figure out how to deal with all of these but for now, I have to remind myself again that it's just all in my head. #
The Latin Honor was the turning point
It's been a while since I updated this blog. This isn't meant to be a regular thing anyway. I've continued journaling, but in physical form. Thus, my weekly journal here is now discontinued.
Anyway, as for tonight's topic, I was having some thoughts while riding my jeepney home. I wasn't meant to think about latin honors, but it came to my mind in a different manner.
I realized, the latin honor was the turning point. When I reflected on everything that happened to me, I was able to trace it back to that moment. Me not getting that award was my spark. It was the reason I'm here today (which is ironic considering I was close to ending everything when I found out that I won't be getting it when I graduated). I'll try to unpack it in this essay.
Today, I realized how I used it as a motivator to be better. After graduation I was able to finally free myself from my depressive thoughts of not having an award. I focused on securing my first full time job that I completely forget that I didn't have it in the first place.
It wasn't a hindrance after all because realistically speaking, few employers are actually seeing whether you've graduated with honors or not. They see more of your experiences, current skills, and future potential, rather than your past achievements. That's how I got my current job. And a good one at that.
I guess it also helped that I've became practical rather than chasing whatever my dream job was at the time coz you wouldn't really get it the first time most of the time (although some do get it and good for them). My practicality had led me to broadening my skillset and experience, improving my lifestyle even just for a bit, and being financially independent, which is something I once dreamed. It really is a domino effect from there.
I want to touch on another topic for this essay. It's true that letting go of things makes room for more opportunities. When I left journalism, I was able to entertain the idea of returning to engineering. I realized, maybe I was meant for something more than what I had set for myself. I remember trying to apply in radio, but they didn't call me back.
Fate could've chosen me to stay in media (heck, if I had a latin honor I would've definitely stayed), but not having the award opened the horizons for me. I realized the award is not the main point. Never was. Curiosity and improvement are. This is the thought I'm bringing right now as I reenroll this year. Should I realize this earlier in my life, maybe I wouldn't have shifted in the first place.
Who I am and what I have right now--everything had happened all because I didn't have a latin honor in college. Now I'm happy to say that I wouldn't want this any other way.
Week 38-39
Moi!
I'm laughing a lot at work these days. I'm really enjoying the company of my workmates. I feel so blessed for being able to work in a healthy environment and being surrounded by people who are fun to work with, has (almost) the same humour as mine, matches my vibes, and has intentions in improving their lives.
They make working days easier especially with our repetitive tasks at work. Not everyone experiences this.
When I'm talking about having an "intention", like me, they're aware that they won't be staying for too long in our job because, like me, they crave growth, nurturing our careers, and have an actual profession. I have come to trust these people so much that I told them about my intention to finish engineering and they're so supportive about it.
These days, the morning leading up to lunchtime is our slowest hours at work. And so, to counter that, my mates had an idea of us writing literary pieces every week. It will exercise our idle brains and keep our creative juices flowing. We will then compile our works and turn it into a book. It's a great idea; I like it a lot and we already started this week.
Had lots of ganaps for the past 2 weekends. Last sunday there was a massive book fair I went to to support my friend's book signing and we also visited the only Ikea store in the country and tasted the Swedish meatballs. I'd say it's good but not something I'll eat regularly.
Week 37
Moi!
I'm in a better mental state these days. My coughs are also finally gone after I took my antibiotics. I feel less tired each day, and I have the energy to organize my life. Maybe switching up my vitamin had an effect on that.
An issue exploded at work this week. Actually, it was already building up long ago, but this week was the breaking point.
I have a homophobic workmate. He works well with the team at first but as the months went on, he started to reveal his true colors. He hates my queer workmates just for existing. He's also a know-it-all person and has a superiority complex mainly because he's the oldest in the team. He's an all-around asshole and disrespects everyone, even our bosses. He gets grumpy and cusses every time we're called for a meeting and sending death glares to the people who checks his work.
My workmate planned to report him to HR because the asshole ridiculed him and said things that even his parents wouldn't dare to say to him. He eventually didn't proceed with it.
Last Friday though, the asshole committed something that was a grave offense in the company's policy. By its rules, the consequence would be immediate dismissal. I guess karma already did its job.
Week 35-36
Moi!
I got to hang out with my girlies twice for these past 2 weeks and I had a lovely time. I've missed them sm and I was excited to see them. We went to a cosplay convention 2 sundays ago and had brunch with them last Friday. The other one had to go to work afterwards so I only had one friend to go with and see a movie after we ate. I don't have to worry tho coz we have lots of movies to watch for the next coming weeks.
We watched "My Daughter is a Zombie" last Friday which is a Korean film. We didn't watch the trailer beforehand so we're basically walking through the dark here. We had zero expectations, and I think that fact made the experience better. The film was marketed as comedy and family-friendly and we were laughing on the first half, but things turned dramatically on the second half and the next thing we knew we were on tears lmao. Watching a random film without expectations about it is a solid experience I recommend.
Oh, my 2 friends gave their birthday gifts to me--a bookmarks set and a book journal. They are nice and it flatters me how much they knew my bookworm ass (I shouldn't be surprised tho, we've been friends since high school).
Week 33-34
Moi!
The past 2 weeks was a whirl for my mental health. We lost 2 cats and I've been trying to recover my finances since I took some of my savings for the cat's meds and test. Unfortunately, our efforts were in vain since she passed away like 2 days later anyway. I've moved on from it now tho because I know both of them are no longer in pain.
I also got sick and currently under antibiotics. I hope my coughs will be gone soon.
My close friend's mom passed away recently. The day I found about the news, I only had one day left to go to the wake so I decided to do it the very next day after work. My guy had already went through so much this year and I'm praying so hard that the remaining months will be better for him.
It's my birthday this week. It was pretty chill bc I had work on my exact birthday and I've been planning to celebrate it this weekend anyway.
I organized a team lunch yesterday tho. And my supervisor gifted me a cake. 🥹 It was so sweet (literally and figuratively).
Week 25-30
Moi!
I've been very very busy with my personal life for the past few weeks. One of the things I hate about adulthing is having to do basically everything. I need to control my life to keep things going because no one else will do it for me. I can't rely to my parents anymore on what to do because they're both away.
Don't worry about it, I'm still productive as ever! I just haven't been documenting the things I do basically because I lack time to do so. But tonight, I'm finally back to make up for it.
We'll be moving into a new office on Monday and unfortunately, 3 of my workmates won't be able to come with us for their personal reasons that we respect. It's sad that they're not gonna join us but it happens all the time in life, we just have to be prepared for it. They're going to stay in the old office and will be joining a new team. I trust that the new team will be good to them since my classmate in college is in there and he seems to be doing well there.
We said our goodbyes yesterday and some of my mates got emotional. You see, we've been working together for 7 months, we've been seeing each other's faces 5 times a week so it's no surprise that we got emotionally attached to each other. I'm trying my best not to shed a tear yesterday and I almost had it when one of them told me that he's rooting for my engineering return next year.
He's one of the few people I told him about it because that's how I trust him so much. But also, because we have the same thoughts and mindsets towards our life and career right now. He's the first person I met on my first day of work aside from my other mate who was with me since I applied. I'm rooting for him to finally finish his degree and get to do the things he really loves.
The Dandelion Bus
The bus company I'm riding to work had established a new route last month. This route passes by where I live exactly, and I couldn't get happier because this means I'm now one ride away to and from the office.
I happened to ride their first ever trip by accident. I think they're calling it "maiden voyage" in ship terms. The day prior I saw a poster on my area's footbridge after getting groceries. Upon reading it, I thought the bus company name sounds familiar. I ignored it and went on the rest of the night. The next day as I was crossing the footbridge I saw the oh-so familiar dandelion bus and thought, what the hell is that doing here? I rushed down, looked at the signboard and saw that it passed by my bus stop near the office! This is what miracles feel like. Looking back at it now, it felt like it's long overdue to have a route like that in my area because it's a great link from the metro to suburban Rizal.
When I rode it for the first time, I noticed immediately that the bus units are entirely new that the seats are still covered in plastic. But I didn't expect at first that some drivers and conductors would be new as well. We always see these workers know exactly what they're doing so upon my ride on these new buses. It's refreshing for me to see them barely grasping the new route and tariff. I saw drivers seeking guidance from their mates on where to turn or the name of the bus stop and conductors looking at the tariff on a piece of paper every time someone pays.
During their first weeks I also noticed the camaraderie of the workers even more as they thread these new experiences together. This may sound silly, but it became a reminder for me that no matter where stage we are in life, we can always be a beginner again. It's never embarrassing. It's where we grow.
One night, the bus arrived late in the terminal because of a worse traffic caused by a road accident. So, for me, it was understandable that the conductor would be so tired and sleepy already since he's been working since the morning. Thankfully, every passenger on the bus was so patient and understanding to him because after all, we're just tired from working our asses off. It's a reminder for us to be kind and patient to strangers, especially in public, because all of us are just pushing our capabilities to survive this cruel world. #
Alexandra Beneath the Lilypad
I've been an Alexandra Savior fan for like 3 years. I went on the classic path of getting to know her through Alex Turner. Since then, for me, she went on to become more than just Turner's protege. That she's a powerful artist deserves to be recognized for who she is and not just because of her connection to someone else.
That narrative was strongly manifested in her third album, "Beneath the Lilypad". I was so excited about her much-anticipated comeback, and I listened to the album soon after it came out. The album is sonically beautiful and mesmerizing, just like her previous efforts. I have listened to it every day since then. I love how she took her stand, especially on the opening track. She talks about loss and love so gracefully in this album. Over time, there are tracks that resonated with me more than the others.
For example, in "All of the Girls", she sings about comparing herself to other people, which is something I've done many times before. "Old Oregon", a favorite of mine, is a poignant homage to her hometown and you can feel the overflowing nostalgia in every tune. Much as how I feel about my simple yet very memorable childhood I sometimes yearn to return to.
One day, I was listening to the album again when I decided to browse some news articles about her and on top of the Google results came an interview with her talking about her life after her debut and the making of the new album.
After "Belladonna of Sadness", she's poised towards continuous success in the industry. But while she was making the next album, her record label dropped her. I felt devastated for her when I found out. "The Archer" almost didn't happen.
For the next few years, she also suffered health issues, both physical and mental. But as one article puts it, she has turned her struggles into something beautiful--this album. She showed her vulnerabilities, took strength, and healed from it. She's so brave and amazing at that.
As I reflected, I saw the parallels of her struggles to my own physical and mental health struggles, especially last year. I had tuberculosis and got depressed because of it, but also because of burnout and not graduating college with latin honors.
Listening to this album reminded me of how I felt about the struggles I had, accepting them, and healing from them. In particular, the album's closing track, "You Made It Easier" encapsulates the healing process and listening to it feels like closing that dark chapter in my life and moving into something better.
"Beneath the Lilypad" does feel like a reintroduction to the singer. In my opinion, it has more depth than her previous efforts where she created another persona for the sake of it. This album is different. It's undeniably honest, made from her own many seasoned life experiences, but still having love in her heart. I don't mean to romanticize the things she went through, but I'm just so mesmerized by this woman, her craft, and her bravery. #
I really can't stop thinking about the plans I'm laying out next year that I spent early hours one morning to create a syllabus for myself granted that some subjects I took before will be credited. I also researched about the tuition fee of some universities around Manila to see if my prospect savings can afford it.
Some private unis I obviously could not but I'm still getting my hopes up on the remaining state unis around the area which has a relatively cheaper fee. Note that there isn't enough information on the internet to tell the exact tuition fee of these schools and so I still have to personally go to these campuses to inquire and set up terms esp in syllabus because second-degree takers are definitely a special case for them.
I'm also thinking about not transferring and instead finish the degree in the same uni where I started it which is actually not a bad idea. I've read in reddit that there's a student who took their second degree at the same uni where they took their first degree and they ended up graduating faster because they just took the major subjects.
Whereas if someone transfers, some unis may not credit the minor subjects due to a difference in syllabus and the student might end up taking everything again and spending another 4 years in college. That's something I wanna avoid because I'm aiming to get my license and go back working as soon as I can.
The bottomline of this is that my plans to finish engineering is already final as it gets no matter how scared I'd be sometimes because I think it would be actually badass for me to have 2 degrees on 2 entirely different fields.
Week 24
Moi!
I only worked 2 days this week. 🤪 Went to my alma mater on monday to process my diploma. I really thought I'll be able to get it by then, but registrar told me to wait for 2 more business days. Few days later I received an email saying it's ready for pickup so I'm planning to get it this saturday.
At that same day, I met with my close friend that I haven't seen in half a year. We've been meaning to get our diplomas together at the same time, but he happened to already get his last week. He still insisted on accompanying me that day tho. His classmate also came to get her diploma.
When we get out of the campus, we ate lunch at the nearby mall and caught up on stuff. They told me about the shenanigans and drama in their college--stuff that I would've experienced and known if I didn't left engineering.
When she heard that I'm planning to finish engineering next year, she literally told me if I'm really sure and I should be ready to lose my soul to which we all laughed. I'm aware that it's a half joke because what I'm planning to do is silly on its own right considering that I'm going to leave the comforts of my potential opportunities in the media field in exchange of the suffering I'm going to experience going back to the field of engineering.
Sometimes it's scary thinking about it but I always go back to the point that I don't wanna live the rest of my life in regrets. And so, it kept me grounded as to why I'm going to do it.
I went to my bestfriend's book launch on wednesday. She's part of the group of authors who wrote a Pride-themed anthology book featuring the stories of Queer individuals. This is her first published book and I'm so so proud of her. Her mom and brother also came, and we have a good time. Another friend of ours also dropped by after her work. We all ate dinner afterwards.
Week 23
Moi!
I was in a good mood this week because we only have 4 days of work. Took lots of Orenj pics, finished the 3rd book of the Eagle series and currently reading the 4th one. Also found 4 more books online and bought them.
I'm officially 6 months in the company which means I already got regularized. :D We celebrated by taking a photoshoot and eating pizza and pancit malabon.
After my shift on thursday, I dropped by the nearby Zus and grabbed an iced matcha strawberry latte which is sooo creamy I enjoyed it a lot. I updated my planner and while I was sitting there, I decompressed and reflected on my life so far.
I'm in a so much better place in all aspects right now compared to how I was last year: broke, slightly depressed, lonely, and burned out. I've already said this before, but life really gets better over time.