letters to my twin flame

[truelittlethoughts]

#4

It’s a tough day today to do this. Because I feel you fading away, slowly; I feel your importance, in the way I carry my life, losing impact.  And every damn time this happens, you pull me back again somehow. Every damn time. So it’s just like I’m hanging, waiting for you to make an entrance and fuck me up one more time. With a kind of simplicity that devastates me. If I seem to find balance, between the chaos I’ve going on inside at all time, when your eyes don’t haunt me in my sleep anymore, you find a way back and I crawl on my knees towards you like an animal needing to be fed by its master. It’s a constant checking behind my shoulders, knowing it’ll come, but at the same time thinking I’m just deluding myself this time: you won’t pull me back, you won’t make an entrance, you don’t feel the need to waste time on me now. You have moved on and you don’t remember my name. You don’t think of me, your life is full and the thought of me, on the other side of the world dreaming of us, doesn’t bother you. And it’s been a while... The last time I heard from you, we couldn’t carry the conversation for long, but it felt natural, it felt natural to me at least. Is this the moment when I go crazy? When the possibility of us doesn’t exist in none of the parallel universes? Did I lose any chance to call you mine?  The pen is running dry, maybe it’s saving me from more embarrassment, as you read this and don’t understand the meaning... Darling, if you will, come back in this mess that is my life for a second, don’t knock: just knock me out again as hard as you can!

V.

[truelittlethoughts]

#3

It happens often, lately, that I find myself wondering how it’ll feel when I’ll stop thinking of you. And the funny thing is that in my mind it’s just a matter of time, maybe it’ll take an awful lot, but it’ll happen. Then I stop and think about it, and the reality is that I’m not so sure, in my heart, that things are ever gonna point toward that direction... I can’t even begin to imagine the emptiness it would leave in my chest, if one morning I were to wake up with you gone from my first thoughts, the kind you have when still balancing between dream and reality; where would I pick up the will to smile and go on with my day, without wishing that each step is one less I have to take before you come back to me? So, to shake off this ugly feeling, I go back to the pictures of us I still have on my phone and, oh God, I swear to you I still can hear our surroundings in those moments. It could be winter and I could be in Syberia, but I’d immediately feel the June heat wave that stuck with us and never left through the days we shared. I’m not used to it still, it shocks me every time how real it is, imagining you by side, whatever I do, wherever I go. I know it sounds cheesy, even for me, but with all the miles and ocean’s drops that divide us, I feel you far closer than the people I live with. It’s not healthy I know, but you’re keeping me sane: the idea that our days together are not over yet, that I just have to wait without worrying too much, is the only thing keeping me grounded to earth. So, whenever I think that someday I won’ t think of you like I do now, I feel better knowing that the day is not in sight, that tomorrow when the bright light of the new day will wake me, you are still gonna be the first thought, and my first smile will still be all yours.

V.

[truelittlethoughts]

#2

You probably didn’t know, the day we met, that I had already seen your pictures. I had spent more than a minute scrolling all of them, with a friend, and then all night by myself. I don’t know what I saw in them: fire I would describe it, a spark of magic coming out of nowhere, like your eyes and your smile weren’t new, like a part of me was waiting since birth to meet you again. That’s what it was, in my shaking hand, that morning, in the middle of the chaos around us: my heart was happy to meet you and I couldn’t contain it. I wonder how your soul was feeling when it touched mine: did you feel the same? Did you feel like coming home for the first time? Or was it special only in my head? I know it’s hard to believe, it’s not easy to grasp what it means... I’ll forever remember the empty theater that welcomed us; I’ll go back there eventually, to watch a movie sitting where we sit, while downstairs poetry was in the making. The sweater I gave you the first night, to keep the cold away, still hangs in my wardrobe; I washed it, but I can still smell your scent if I keep my eyes closed. Those were my happy days, and you’ll forever be part of them. I’m grateful to the universe for getting our path crossed then, when my spirit was glowing, my eyes were shining, when the light of the sun was giving me strength and the power of the moon was giving me grace. I wouldn’t want you to get to know me now, when days and nights are mixed and out of focus and my purpose isn’t clear, not even to myself. I don’t know how it works: how we get placed somewhere the day we born, but I know that before we lived at least one life together, and it took me twenty-one years to find you again. I will have no peace ‘till our eyes will meet again...but in the meantime, a patience I didn’t know was part of my being, will be my guide through these days apart. tI was easier, living ignorant of your existence, but I wouldn’t go back to that time: I wouldn’t go back to a world without you.

V.

[truelittlethoughts]

💔

Today I made a playlist of songs the remind me of you; I named it with the emoji of the broken heart. I think it means that I’m still not over you...

[truelittlethoughts]

#1

I was sitting in the hostel’s bathroom, waiting for the water in the shower to warm up. To get to Taksim from the old city you’ve got to climb up quite a lot, unless you take the funicular, which we obviously didn’t take once; I couldn’t wait to wash away from my skin the last day of walking, mixed with the smell of narghilè and beer. I was tired, after two days of touring around in the heat of Istanbul: with every new day the sun got stronger, it has been challenging but I’m happy: I think I’m going to miss this unbelievable city. It was late when the screen on the phone lit up, I wasn’t thinking of you. After months of silence, your words were the thing I was running from, but they thrilled me. The water got warm, and cold again, while my brain was spinning faster that the airplane I’m going to take in the morning. It’s a good thing, right? That you want me to have your new number...And yes we’re going to be as far away as possible once I’ll be back home, but while I stand in this little room I feel you close somehow, and I’ll just hold on to this feeling. I still don’t understand why you didn’t write me back in July, but right now it doesn’t hurt: you reached out and that’ll be enough. I went back to the bedroom feeling a big smile on the face and in the heart. I couldn’t sleep, while you carried the conversation on, I started talking of all the things that I’ve seen and done in Istanbul, as we use to do this everyday, as if we were just catching up.

I fell asleep eventually, losing the fight to Morpheus, and now that the alarm goes off I find your last texts still asking questions. So I reply to them, thinking that these time zone conversations could be fun. We’re leaving this morning, and as we’re passing on the Bosphorus bridge driving to the airport, I bury the idea of forgetting you. I’ve tried to think of you as just a little happy chapter in the story: few days of blinding joy with no hope of lasting. I’ve told myself every night I couldn’t catch sleep because of you, that you had already done your entire part in my life. But I never believed myself for a second: in the back of my dreams, for two months, I’ve been laughing at my own lies and kept hoping for a sign from you. And now it came. Probably I’m just a fool and will have my hopes crushed in a flashing second, but for now, under the forever sweet Turkish sky, I go back to trust my gut and know what it felt like those days together.

V.