Blog of a Girl on a Rollercoaster

Hi everyone, guess you've stumbled onto this page because you're just like me. Or maybe you're not... who knows :)

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Letter to Neil Perry

Dear Neil,

Hi :) My name is------ and you don't know me but that's unimportant. What matters is, I'm just like you. Yes, it's true. You are not alone in this world.

I love to act more than anything in this world. In fact, there is nothing else I could persue in the future that would make me happy. A world without me acting is a world not worth living in. And let me guess, you're thinking the same thing.

Neil, my parents also do not approve of my acting. They're doing everything they can to put me down and force me a different way that just isn't for me. But everyday I wake up and I keep fighting for myself and my happiness in small ways. My parents don't let me audition for a show, well that's fine. I'll read up on acting technique and rehearse for roles I missed in the safety of my room for hours on end. I can't fulfill my actorself yet quite fully so I live it in my own little corner, for the moment.

Neil, please. You cannot let them win. You cannot let your parents take your happiness from you. Take the small victories and keep fighting as hard as you can for yourself. I know it's hard. I know it seems impossible. I know you're so tired and you just want it all to be over. Please never stop fighting. I'm not going to tell you to stay fighting for Mr. Keating or for Todd because what matters is that you are fighting for yourself. You are so important and you are such a beautiful soul. You are loved and you are needed.

Stay strong no matter how tired you are. I love you so much and I wish we could meet but it isn't in our stars. I'll see you in my daydreams, love.

Keep going.

[trying-to-figure-it-out]

Relapse.

Hey besties. I didn’t think I’d be writing about my eating disorder again. Once I cut off my toxic friend who was completely pro-ana and pro-mia I got a lot better. My period came back, I stopped losing so much hair, and I even gained around 10 pounds. But for some reason recently, it’s back. And I thought I could fight it off but I can’t. 

I’m back to counting calories, spending all my time working out, shaming myself every second of every day. And I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. I’m purposely triggering myself looking at the Thinspo on this website and watching controversial ED shows and movies (i.e. to the bone). 

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could stop. I just want to feel good again. 

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A poem I wrote about today

Today came with warm light enveloping my body

 and the light chirping of birds.

 Today came with bursts of giddy laughter

 and beautiful music that left me breathless as i whirled from room to room.

Today also came with loss and deep unsettling pain.

Today also came with loneliness and unbridled anger.

 At you. At me. At us. At the world. 

But such is life. Such is the price of being alive. 

And one day this will pass and I will mourn it.

So we must feel it all now.

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A poem I wrote about falling in love with fictional characters :)

You are a home that I cannot find

I’ll travel the world

But will never discover a place that makes me feel the way you do

Even if I filtered through every soul

I’d never find a home like you.

So I burrow myself in every description of

Golden sunlight filtering through your soft hair that loves to fall into your eyes.

I breathe in every line of

Passionate cravings that seep from your poised lips like sweet caramel

I clothe myself in

Your beauty, your peace, your liveliness

And I live for the idea

That fantastical hope

That one day

I’ll find myself in your arms. 

At home at last. 

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A poem about the moon that I wrote :)

I looked out the window to write about 

The night sky and all her glamour, But I couldn't see any stars. The lights of the city were too bright.

Instead, I could only see the moon, 

 Alone, 

In the darkness. 

 I asked if she was lonely and received no response. 

 Perhaps up there, so far away, her voice cannot reach us. 

 So, with closed eyes and a hopeful heart, I told her some of my own secrets. 

 With a lighter weight on my chest I opened my eyes, but saw the moon had    sunk. 

 How many people have whispered their secrets to this fair lady? 

Are we the reason she grows heavy in the sky and It's so hard for her to stay afloat? 

 I wonder, if we turn to the moon to help us from drowning, 

 Who does the moon turn to?

[trying-to-figure-it-out]

MCU Update Pt2

Watched Iron Man 3 today. I actually liked it a lot. I mean I won't lie during that final like 30 minute long fight scene I lost interest and went on my phone, but as someone who HATES action movies, I'm giving myself credit for even making it this far into the MCU. I love Tony though. I also think that the little boy in that movie should've been revealed as Peter Parker. Oh my god that would've made everything come perfectly full circle.

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Walking or Hiking

Went on a small hike today but as it was very flat and there wasn't much "hiking" happening, I'll classify it as a quite long walk on the beach. It was very nice to just be out and get fresh air. I spend most of the time talking to my dad about college.

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Reading Slump Update

I'm still in the worst reading slump, but I forced myself to read 100 pages of Crooked Kingdom today (Leigh Bardugo). It's a really great book and I need to finish it along with the Shadow and Bone trilogy before the show comes out next month. I want to finish this book in the next 5 days and then I can take the rest of the month to read/finish reading The Speed of Light. Looks like I won't have extra time to read The Queens Gambit or finish book 1 of All The Young Dudes.

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MCU Update

I've been making my way through all the MCU movies for the first time in movie chronological order. So today I watched the Avengers and I have to say a few hot takes. First of all, Loki is literally Tom Riddle/Voldemort. That's just fact and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Secondly, I very much dislike Captain America. He's so self righteous, like ok calm yourself Mr. Named After A Broken And Corrupt Country smh. Overall very fun. I don't really like action movies that much but I'm glad I'm making myself watch these.

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Standardized Testing is Hell

I look a practice ACT today and scored a 29. I'm not upset because that's better than I usually get. My goal though is to at least score a 30. I'm sure the most tests I take the better I'll get. I'm going to make myself take another practice test on Wednesday, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

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Boston College and Kenyon University

Went to two college information sessions today, Boston College and Kenyon University. Once again neither really called to me in any way and I could picture myself going to either and living a stereotypical college student life. I expect that eventually, I'll find a college that I'll feel a distinct pull to. At the moment it's Northwestern, but I'm not sure that's realistic for me. I need to talk about it with my college advisor.

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have a loaded day. Two college information sessions (Boston College and Kenyon). I'm not particularly excited for either but I guess I'll see how they go. I also have to take a practice ACT tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a 30 composite score. As of right now I'm at a 28. My math section is really what's lowering my score, it's usually around 23... I'll figure it out though. I have faith in myself.

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Reading Update :)

I'm in a huge reading slump, please help me get out. I'm supposed to be reading The Speed of Light which is a fiction novel about a woman who is just diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It's very interesting and not a bad book at all! I've just been having a hard time reading this month. I'm not sure why. I think I'm going to switch from this to reading Crooked Kingdom (Leigh Bardugo), and pick up The Speed of Light later.

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Little Towns

I went to a little town in the middle of nowhere New York. It was actually quite a cute town, one of those touristy ones that pop up and have all those random little shops and small restaurants. We got tacos and sat outside because it was warm (and because it was pretty crowded inside so we were a bit scared to eat there). I also saw a bookstore, went in, and got a copy of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo for only three dollars! Overall, that excursion was a very nice experience.

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The Dentist’s

I had a dentist's appointment today. It's funny, I have an "irrational fear" of the dentist's but if you ask me, it's a perfectly rational fear. Basically, I'm just really really terrified that they might stick a shot in my mouth at any given moment. And me and shots? Yeah, we don't get along. However, instead of getting any bad news or surprise shots, I got the news that it actually should be possible to close the gaps in my teeth. A bunch of years ago I went to the orthodontist and he told me he could give me invisiline, but it would never fully close the gaps. I would have to decide if I wanted him to add some kind of filler. But my dentist was certain that he wasn't trying his hardest and that it was possible with maybe a second opinion, to close my teeth. So I'm excited to see what the next orthodontist will say.

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It's like holding a story rather than a person; she feels wild and infinite in my arms.

Prince Elian, “To Kill A Kingdom”

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To Kill A Kingdom

EVERYONE. THIS BOOK IS AMAZING. FAST PACED. THRILLING. EXHILERATING. 

For those of you who don’t know, To Kill A Kingdom is a retelling of The Little Mermaid. You might be thinking, that sounds really lame. NO. NO I PROMISE YOU IT IS NOT. 

This book has one of my (if not my all time) favorite troupes: I have to kill you, but I’m falling in love with you, and if you knew what I really was, you’d kill me instantly. (sort of serpent and dove type except faster) 

I LOVED THIS BOOK SO MUCH. PLEASE READ IT. PLEASEEEEE.

I’ll leave you with this, if you know, you know:

And a princess must have her prince.