#3 Death through my eyes
As I said before, I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself. The amount of times I’ve contemplated killing myself is ridiculous, yet here still alive and typing bullshit about I want to kill myself. I just feel like I have no purpose here anymore nor do I want a purpose. I’ve become so lazy and bored with my life that I no longer think I’m fit to live in this world. I’m black. I’m a female. I’m poor. I’m a senior in high school going to community college. Those are my labels, but when I look at myself in mirror, I see a pretty girl who is intelligent, but honestly has no effort to actually use either one of those characteristics to my advantage. I started heavily smoking weed and it’s opened my eyes. It makes me happy. It makes me forget. If weed can make me lose my anger and clears my mind then I wonder what alcohol can do to me. I’ve never been drunk, but it’s on the list. I’ll probably try cocaine, acid, pills...maybe the harder stuff. I need an escape. I just need to exit reality and create my own where I’m genuinely happy and I don’t second guess everything that I do based on others. Whether I believe it or not I’m always shrinking myself because of others. I don’t even want to explain what that means because this post isn’t even about that. I’ve thought of ways to kill myself. I thought I could do the dramatic, hanging, but no. I’m a pussy and I’m lazy and I want it to be fast or slow without me realizing that I’m dying. I thought about classic slitting my wrist and bleeding to death on my bathroom floor, but of course I’m scared of blood and I honestly don’t to inflict pain on myself. SO the only option is overdose. I’m not afraid of taking a bunch of pills and swallowing it down with the strongest alcohol on the shelf. When I’m ready that’s what I’ll do. I want to experience a little more in my life. Maybe one of those experiences will change my mind and make me more positive. As of now, I’m 17 and counting down the day until I die.













