Touch Starved (Hellboy x Reader)
So, this was requested by @starslooklikediamonds and originally I figured I’d get to it eventually but then my fangirl heart went BOOM and I wrote this thing out until 1am. Hope it’s as requested :D
Also gonna tag @negansdirtygirl22 because she’s been encouraging me <3
Anywho, coming in at a whopping 3877 words….
Warning: Angst, talk of death, cuddles, reiki, gentle boi, 2am text messages. Lack of pancakes. Nothing terrible.
You had known Hellboy for what seemed like forever. He was a great drinking buddy, he was MVP of basically every mission, and he was always down for a good night in, watching movies, jamming to music, or just generally hanging out. You really enjoyed his presence and told anyone who questioned you that you were both ‘just friends’ as, honestly, that’s all you’d ever been.
You weren’t super surprised when you got a late-night text from him asking if you were awake. While he hadn’t texted you at 2am before, at least not when you weren’t both out drinking somewhere, you knew it was only a matter of time.
When you shot back that you were fast asleep, he asked if you were dreaming of him. Classic HB, you thought, just his normal flirty self. The odd thing being that he texted you so late and sober. Something in you decided it was best if you called.
“Hey,” You said when he picked up but didn’t say anything. “If you just answered your phone in your sleep, that’s pretty impressive.”
“I’m not asleep,” Hellboy’s voice was softer than normal and sort of gravely. As if something had been trying to claw its way up his throat.
“Of course, golden,” He snorts. It’s obvious even he doesn’t buy it.
“You don’t have to lie to me, I’ve told you all my shit, and you’re the one texting me at two in the goddamn morning.” You tell him, trying to keep your tone teasing.
“I know, sorry if I woke you.” He says.
“I usually wake up around now anyway, so no harm done.” You tell him. “Wanna tell me what’s bothering you?”
“Not really,” Hellboy says and you swear you can hear him shrug. “Just sitting around wondering if you were awake.”
“Want me to come over? We can watch a movie or something until we’re tired again.” You offer, expecting him to tell you no, it’s fine. You were surprised by the long pause. “Did you hear me, Red?”
“Yeah…actually, would you come over?” He asks. You were already up and pulling on your pajama pants.
“I’ll be there in ten, want me to bring anything? Beer? Breakfast?” You balance the phone on your shoulder as you pull on your boots, no socks.
“Just you’re smiling face will do me good.” He sighs.
“I’ll be right there, big guy, you better not fall asleep before I get there or I’ll be salty I ran all the way across base just to tuck you in.”
“You’re an angel, Y/N,” Hellboy’s voice almost had a smile in it now. “See you soon.”
“See you soon,” You agree. You threw the phone into your bag and tucked your laces into your boots instead of tying them and headed out the door. There weren’t a lot of people you’d run off into the night for, but Hellboy was one of them. He’d been there for you through some tough shit, saved your ass something like a hundred times, and never asked for a thing for it. You knew he deserved the stars themselves, but, he was too tough to admit to that.
Right at ten minutes you knock on his door, testing the handle to find it unlocked.
“You better not be naked,” You call into the room. “I’m not emotionally prepared for demon dick,”
“I’m covered, you’re fine,” Hellboy groans. He was propped up on the couch, his long from taking up most of the cushions.
“So why aren’t you sleeping?” You ask, going to sit on the coffee table so you could face him. He looks at you for a long moment but wouldn’t exactly meet your eye. He grumbles incoherently at you before forming a real sentence.
“It’s probably nothing,” He looks uncomfortable.
“Come on, Red, you don’t just ask someone to come over at two in the morning and there’s nothing going on. Either you’re feeling emotions you don’t know or want to handle, or you’re looking for a booty call, and since we aren’t that kind of friends, I assume it’s the first one.” You level a solid look at him and he shrugs.
“Maybe I wanted to change that part about a booty call,” He gives you a half-hearted grin. You laugh.
“Not tonight, big boy, either start talking or scootch over so I can sit on the couch too.” You say. He rearranges himself so that you can sit cross legged on the couch, facing him.
“I don’t think I like the look you’ve got in your eye…it looks like you want to skin me.” Hellboy said, trying to lighten the mood. But you weren’t having it. He needed something said, and you knew he wasn’t going to say it unprompted.
“Is it about your last mission?” You press.
“So, you heard about that?” He asks, looking away from you again.
“Of course, some of those men were my friends too you know,” You tell him. You had long since stopped getting too attached to people. If nothing else, you were a bit envious of the dead. They had nothing to fear, for the most part, and they no longer suffered this mortal coil.
“I’m sorry,” Hellboy said. “It was my…”
“Don’t you dare take the blame for what happened,” You snap before he could get it out. He looks at you with surprisingly vulnerable eyes. He looks away so you wouldn’t notice his eyes are wet.
As the silence drew out again, you sat watching him not looking at you. He was picking at the hair that grew along his tail, a distraction, and from the way he winced when he caught one hair between his fingers and pulled, a pain to disassociate with.
“If you keep doing that, I’m gonna ask for your hand,” You tell him. He glances at you and folds his hands in his lap.
“I’m sorry I asked you to come over, I shouldn’t have.” He says. “You could go home if you’re tired.”
“That’s the thing, Red, I’m not tired anymore.” You smile at him. “And I know you have more things to say. So say ‘em. I won’t judge you for anything you’ve got in there,” You motion generally to his head. He looks away again and you sigh. Then you have an idea.
“Have you heard of reiki?” You ask. You watch his profile as he frowns.
“Energy healing? Yeah, why?” He asks.
“Before I worked for the BPRD, I was a freelance reiki master, I did healing sessions for lots of people. Want to try it? Sometimes, I’ve found, it helps get the feelings out, even if the words still stick.” You tell him.
“I’ve never had it done before,” He says. You nod.
“That’s ok, I haven’t gotten to practice in a long time either. Give me one of your arms please,” You reach out for him, open hands, palms up. He holds his human arm out to you first. “Now, don’t move, and don’t be alarmed if you do or do not feel anything, ok?”
“What am I supposed to feel?” Hellboy asks. You begin to run your hands up and down the length of his arm, as if you were searching for something you couldn’t see in soft, fine sand. You let your fingertips hover right above his skin.
“I always thought healing energy felt like sunshine and magnets, how you can feel it, but you can’t touch it,” You say. “Do you feel anything?”
“No,” He takes his arm away.
“Can I try the other arm?” You ask. You’d honestly always wanted to know what the energy his stone arm gave off felt like when you were focused on it. Hellboy shrugs and holds it out to you, palm up.
“Knock yourself out,” He says. This time you touch the stone and your fingers hum with the energy between you. Hellboy doesn’t seem to notice it, or if he does, he doesn’t react in any way you recognize. You trace the bits of the stone that are uneven before you realize what you’re doing might be too intimate for him, but he doesn’t shy away. “Still don’t feel anything, but that arm never feels much,”
“Oh, sorry,” You can’t help but blush. You had been too wrapped up in your thoughts of stone and energy to realize how long you’d held onto him.
“Didn’t say I minded,” He looks at you now, softer than before. You thought maybe you were making him feel better, even if he didn’t specifically feel your reiki.
“There’s one more thing I can try, if you want,” You tell him. He gives you a questioning eyebrow. “Can I touch your face?” You ask. Whatever he thought you were going to ask of him, that wasn’t it. His eyes were large and sort of frightened, but he nods, turning his torso so that you have better access.
“I promise I won’t bite,” He mummers when you hesitate. You know you’re being foolish, but something in you knows this means more than it was supposed to. You take his face gently between your fingers, caressing his strong cheekbones with your thumbs. His eyes flutter close and he leans against your hands, surprising you both. He pulls back suddenly and grabs your wrists, taking them from his face. In that little bit of contact you felt a lot.
“How long as it been since you’ve been touched, Red?” You ask, quietly, so quietly you’re almost sure he couldn’t have heard you.
“I touch myself all the time,” He tries to joke away the tension in the air between you.
“Red,” You rebuke him. He sighs, dropping your hands.
“It’s been a long time, not like I get out much.” He finally admits, sitting back against the couch. “Sorry if I startled you,”
“No, it’s not that,” You say, a blush coming up your cheeks again. “It’s just…can I touch your face again?” He looks at you for a long moment, as if you were crazy.
“Because I want to,” You tell him. “And I haven’t touched someone in ages, it’s a win-win, right?” You add the last part hastily, as if it doesn’t matter. It matters to you very much. In that brief moment of contact, you could feel him, feel the ache in him, the sorrow in him, and you wanted to feel it some more. Part of the reason you left your practice as a reiki specialist was because you often felt too much of what people were trying to deal with, and it killed you because nine times out of ten you couldn’t help them. But Hellboy was right here, you could help him.
“Are you sure you,” He paused, watching you. “You sure you wanna touch my nasty face?”
“Nasty? What, have you not been showering?” You laugh a tiny laugh, trying not to break the stillness around you. “I’m sure I’ve touched worse, I mean you never saw my ex, but trust me, you’re much better,”
“Glad to hear it,” He gave you a small smile at that, just the one side of his mouth turned up.
“So, can I touch your face again?” You press. It felt so important to you that you touch him again, as if something terrible might happen if you didn’t.
“Sure,” He almost whispers it. You move so that you’re on your knees next to him and when you reach for his face, he’s staring at you, eyes so intense you’re surprised you don’t catch fire. But it’s not a malicious fire, it’s a fire that aims to protect him from whatever harm he thinks you present. You gently place your hands on the sides of his face again, covering his sideburns with your palms. This time when his eyes flutter closed, you move slower, deliberately, so as not to spook him. And you tell him where you mean to go.
“I’m going to touch your temples now and then back to your cheeks,” You say softly, moving one hand at a time to place your finger tips on his temples. He makes a small sound you take for agreement. Then your hands move back to where they started, covering his sideburns gently. “I’m going to trace your lines with my fingers next, first your nose, and then your brow,” Another small noise.
You move carefully, slowly, and trace your pointer finger along the length of his nose, careful not to tickle him. Then you traced one eyebrow and then the other before moving the tracing hand back to his cheek.
“Now with the other hand,” You say and repeat the movements. “Can I touch your horns and the top of your head?” You ask. He nods against your hands. You touch each of his horns deliberately, giving just a tiny bit of pressure, before setting one hand on top of his head. You leave it there for a moment and then take it away. Both hands go to his cheeks again and you can’t help but press your forehead to his.
“I don’t know about sunshine and magnets, but it feels nice,” Hellboy speaks first, he leans forward against your forehead, as if he wants more contact still.
“I’m glad,” You tell him. When you don’t move away from him, Hellboy pulls you into his lap, keeping your foreheads still touching. “What is it?” You ask, not moving away.
“I wanted more of you, sorry, I should have asked,” He mumbles. You shake your head against his.
“I think you’ve been really touch starved, Red,” You tell him. “It’s not an easy thing to fix,”
“Figure.” He snorts. “How does one fix it?” His eyes are still closed and yours can’t help but look at him since you had him so close to you.
“You have to open yourself up to being vulnerable,” You tell him. He makes a disdainful noise in the back of his throat. “I know, that’s why it’s hard,” You tell him.
“What if I don’t wanna?” He asks. You move to place a hand on his chest, his skin is warm beneath your palm.
“Then this ache you feel, that only gnaws wider, will never close,” You say. He covers your hand with his flesh one.
“Isn’t there another way?” He asks, voice small. You think for a moment, enjoying the feeling of his hand on yours, the feeling of being near him, of connecting to him with your energy, which you always felt too strongly. Even if you never talked about much, even if you hid it from most people, it meant so much to you to touch someone like this.
“Casual touches help a lot,” You’re speaking quietly now, as if you’re afraid to wake him.
“Like having a pretty lady sit on your lap?” Hellboy whispers back. You smile and he opens his eyes. It’s his turn to take your face in his hand, though he only uses the smaller one.
“I suppose this counts for something, but it doesn’t feel very casual, does it?” You would normally laugh, but he’s looking at you like you cast a spell on him, and you didn’t want to break it just yet. His thumb traces your bottom lip and before you can do more than blush, he pulls you forward and gently presses your lips together with his.
The kiss last for a long moment, both of you content just to move slowly, not pressing, not asking for more.
When the kiss does pass, the moment is broken. You sit back to look at him and he’s smiling at you now, as if he’d just awoken from a pleasant dream.
“I should text you in the middle of the night more often,” He smirks. You blush again because you’d enjoyed the kiss far more than you should have.
“I’m normally up around two to three, so feel free,” You say, making to stand. He catches you before you can manage it and holds you to him.
“Thank you,” He says softly. “Really, thank you,” You can’t help but touch his face again, a quick pass of your fingers through his scruff. He hums at the contact.
“Anytime, Red,” You tell him.
“And what about if I want to kiss you again?” He asks. Your blush grows darker around your ears.
“Do you?” You manage around your embarrassment.
“I do,” He smirks again, his cockiness coming back in waves that hit you like a summer wind.
“Then I’d say you could kiss me again,” You tell him. “Cuz I think I like you,” He leans closer to you and presses another, chaste, kiss to your mouth. When it breaks you wrap your arms around his neck and he stiffens briefly before he relaxes into your embrace.
“I like you too, Y/N,” He says, burying his face in your shoulder. “I like you too.”
[the word artist in me says to end it here, but the fangirl wanted more, so bonus paragraphs below.]
You start to play with his hair, gently running your fingers through the long tendrils. He hums into your neck.
“Do you still have things to say?” You ask. He grumbles something you can’t understand. “Is that a yes?”
“You’re awful, Y/N,” He mutters. “Haven’t I felt enough for one night?”
“Never,” You whisper back, pulling back so you can meet his eyes. He looks at you like he wants something, but he doesn’t ask for it.
“I blame myself for what happened on that mission, there, you happy?” He says, offhand, like it doesn’t kill him inside. You just look at him for a long moment and he curses under his breath. “I killed them, it was my fault,” He says again, as if repeating it changes the meaning. “It’s always my fault,” Suddenly his voice cracks and he pushes you off his lap so he can stand.
“It’s not your fault,” You tell him carefully. “All the agents know what’s out there, that any mission could go south, that any mission could be their last. It’s something we all live with.” You stand and cross the floor carefully. Hellboy was standing with his back to you, fist to his mouth as he tried not to feel the emotions you had pressed him for.
“I should have…I could have,” He tries to form a sentence, but it was easy to tell if he says anything more, he was going to cry, and you knew him well enough that he did not want to cry.
“There is nothing else you can do about it now and beating yourself up over it isn’t going to help either.” You tell him, carefully touching his back. His skin twitches at the contact.
“Stop touching me like that,” He snaps.
“Why? Do you not like it?” You ask, drawing your hand back. Maybe you’d gone too far. Maybe you had pushed him too much.
“Shit,” He curses, “No, it’s not that,” He turns to you then and you can see the war behind his eyes. “Do you know what I am, Y/N?”
“You’re Hellboy, the demon son of Professor Broom.” You say. “And you’re a sarcastic asshole that I’m rather fond of,” You add.
“Did you know I’m supposed to summon the apocalypse or whatever? End all of mankind?” He demands. You’d seen people do this before, hell, you’d done it before. He was trying to push you away, but you didn’t want to let him. You’d seen him vulnerable, and you want him to know that it was ok, that you still like him even if you knew he was mushy on the inside, just like everyone else.
“Do you plan on doing that anytime soon?” You ask. You did not know those details, but you’d heard the rumor.
“What? No, I don’t want to,” He sputters. You step up closer to him and wrap your arms around his middle.
“I’m right here,” You say. “Please don’t push me away,” He’s very tense as you hold him.
“I kill people,” He says. “Being around me kills people,”
“People die all the time, even without you near them,” You tell him. “You can’t take all the blame for it.” He begins to relax and his arms close around you.
“Why did you come here tonight, Y/N?” He asks. You hum against his chest because it feels so good to be close to him, to hold onto him.
“Because you asked me to come,”
“Would you have come if it was someone else?” He asks.
“No, I would have told them to fuck off, or I would have ignored the text completely.” You tell him. He makes a sound that sounds like agreement.
“Ok,” He mumbles. His face falls to your hair. “You smell good, Y/N,”
“You do too, Red,” You look up at him, chin on his chest. “Wanna lay down for a while? Try to sleep maybe?”
“Are you staying?” He asks, eyebrow quirked up. You blush, but nod.
“If you’ll let me, I’m too tired to walk all the way back on my own.” You tell him.
“Please stay,” He says it quietly as if he doesn’t really want you to hear. You step back from him and take his hand.
“No funny business tonight though, just sleep,” You tell him, pulling him towards his bed.
“None, tonight, huh?” He’s grinning.
“That is what I said,” You blush again. “I mean you haven’t even taken me on a date yet, what kind of girl would I be?”
“My girl, maybe,” Hellboy says.
“Do you want me to be your girl?” You ask. He climbs into bed and you join him, snuggling up against his side. “Because I might be ok with that,” You have one hand on his chest, feeling him breath.
“I like the sound of that,” He grins. “And I’m thinking I could get used to this,”
“Yeah,” His arm comes around you to hold you closer. “Just promise me something,”
“You won’t make me feel things all the time,” He groans, and you laugh at him.
“Oh, come on, feeling things is good for you, but if you want, I’ll only make you feel things when you need too. How’s that?” You rest your head on his chest now and can hear his heart beat. It’s strong and steady.
“But Y/N,” He wines. “You made me feels things today, isn’t that enough?” He asks. He sounds more like himself again.
“And look what that got you? I’m here and I think you said I’m your girl now, so that means we’re dating or something, right?”
“Oh,” He pauses. “I guess it does.”
“See, feeling things leads to good things. Now shush, it’s time to sleep.”
“Goodnight, Y/N,” He says.
“Night, HB,” You snuggle into him again. You had dreamed of him for a while, but this was so much better than that. You were both quiet for a long time, just breathing together into the dark.
“Thank you, Y/N,” Hellboy whispers after he’s sure you’re asleep. You adjust yourself against him and he smiles. He’d wanted this more than he’d admit, and it was nice that it finally was here.
