But I'll never be everything you ever want me to be

recepticle

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Placeholder for something well thought out and intelligent about how the I/P situation allowed/allows for a laundering of much older Arab and Muslim strains of antisemitism, because it is just assumed that the only reason anyone from that region/religion would have a problem with Jews must only have a problem with them because of Israel, and allows anyone to claim that their problems are about Israel, even when that is so obviously not the case, or at least not the whole story. It also requires that, before any of these views or actions be addressed, Jews must not only acknowledge the alleged causal factor of Israel, and their own alleged complicity, but fully dismantle it, remove themselves from the region, and or uncomplainingly place our fate in the hands of the other residents of the region.

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We should start referring to the Vatican as a pedophile haven and a rape state tbqh.

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If he had only been failing up, dayenu

If I had only gotten sensory overload on little sleep, dayenu

If I was only looking forward to another late night, dayenu

If I wasn't putting everything I need to do for myself on hold indefinitely to do things for others and still not doing enough for others, dayenu

If he was only being offered an ED role at an org for a disability that HE DOES NOT HAVE BUT I DO dayenu

If all of this, but he hadn't asked me to help him figure out who his successor should be, dayenu

But all of that AND he told me, as an afterthought, that I should apply. Day fucking eynu.

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Not supposed to tag rble because that's trying to hide, not supposed to add onto the post because that's picking fights and derailing and clowning, not supposed to discuss the topic in your own untagged post, just supposed to shut up.

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I am not expert but "suck it up" and "just do it" being flung around as the depression advice du jour with a side of disgust at those assumed to not be sucking it up and just doing it feels maybe not super helpful...

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this is weird because when i was younger people thought i had ~low self esteem~ but i was incredibly confident in my ability to just. do things. and so i would just do things. often they didn’t turn out super well and it turned out my ambitions were above my skill level or like. maybe i was not actually the best person for this particular role but hey! i still did a lot of things, and i tried to learn from it when it didn’t go well. and like. there have been a select few individuals in my life who decided i needed to understand that actually i was not good at things and should not do them and even if i was, my being good at things made other people feel bad along oppression axes that they had just made up (butch privilege, articulate privilege, idek), and therefore i should sit down and shut up. and like. that plus some Disruptive Life Events has resulted, i think, in my complete inability to see myself as capable of doing things and, if i am, doing them would be Bad. this is especially true when it comes to a) movement work, b) art, c) expressing opinions. just my brain screaming “the movement/the world doesn’t need you/your opinion/the only reason you think you deserve to do this is entitlement” while also screaming “it’s so hilarious you think you can do this and you’re embarrassing yourself and everyone around you by even thinking you can” and like. this was not only one person but if i could go back in time i really think i would make sure my younger self never befriended [redacted] or at least cut contact when i tried to tell them how happy i was about a new job and they yelled at me and cried because my new job that i was happy about meant i wouldn’t be around to talk to them as much

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you never know in advance what’s going to trap you. prisons that look like freedom until it’s too late and now you are stuck here and you’ll never get out :)

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P R I V I S Y

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Always emotionally throwing a party to which no one shows up

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I think we should be asking ourselves what it is about drinking water that is so attractive to evildoers, really need to examine and critically interrogate the link between hydration and harming others, and ask ourselves why, when we claim publicly to condemn kicking kittens, we still get thirsty. I'm not saying drinking water automatically means you're a supervillan but it's definitely suspicious

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my mom, in the same phonecall

a) talks about being angry with her mother for causing her medical problems later in life by beating her, to me, whom she has beaten (but not as severely and not enough to leave lasting physical damage so it doesn’t count)

b) talks about her substance abuse while drunk, to me, who has bourne the brunt of her drunkenness

c) talks about threatening (jokingly so it’s fine lmao) to go to a student’s house and “beat her” if she had another absence (she would beat me for not doing well in school)

bitch i’m not your therapist!!!

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she robbed me of my ability to sympathize and then called me uncompassionate

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I have forfeited my right to feel neglected

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..................................where did i get the idea that it is only legit to be proud of traits that i “earned” and that if they’re just there and i didn’t Cultivate them through Many Hours of Difficult Labor, then they’re undeserved and being happy about them is Wrong and Bad in at least 3 different directions?????

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Ok I'm sure that this is common and just seems particular with me but how does one avoid both not letting The Negativity out, thereby ruining other people's days, and not swallowing so much of it that you poison yourself? Asking for a friend

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They are lying because they don't want to hurt her feelings by calling me what i am: loud,annoying, embarrassing, long winded, arrogant, pretensious, un self aware, oppressive like hot air (which i spew)

Why would anyone want to be around this?

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ok i am breaking my own new rules not 2 weeks in but

i hate hearing second hand how much people think i’m cool or want to spend time with me. i hate it because usually i hear this from people who know me, who have plenty of means for contacting me, but never do, and then tell a mutual friend how much they wish we’d hang out. I hate it because if any of this were true, they know where to find me. if they did think that, if they did want to spend time with me, they could contact me and tell me that and it could happen. but they don’t do this! in some cases, they don’t respond when I do contact them! and so the only thing i can conclude is that they are making this up because they somehow think it will endear them to the mutual friend because if it was true, then why would they tell her and not me!