Pain has always been a part of your life; you even found comfort in it once; it proved how hard you had worked; you shredded your muscles as easily as another person breathed; you expected to go out in an awe inspiring blaze of glory but all you did was make yourself a burnt out, broken husk; could you have figured something else out? why didn't you think of another course of action? were you really that desperate to be a legend? to be remembered when he was not?
I dream of my body engulfed in flames and the freedom that comes with death. freedom from consequences I never prepared for. freedom from pain. freedom from the growing resentment and the sting of shame that choke me and fill my lungs like the ash i wish i was allowed to become.
I awake to searing white, hot pain and some malevolent overseer laughs at the irony or it all. 'You dream about fire but cower away from the pain of it in the light of day? Martyrdom sure loses its appeal when you have to live with what you've done. You have no one else to blame but yourself.'
I dream of my body engulfed in flames and the freedom that comes with death. freedom from consequences I never prepared for. freedom from pain. freedom from the growing resentment and the sting of shame that choke me and fill my lungs like the ash i wish i was allowed to become.
âSome day youâll be the only face Iâll recognise in the foreign landscapes of my life Iâll be the only one to see you running from the storm on the edge of lightningâ
â Kapka Kassabova, from âStorm,â All Roads Lead to the Sea (Auckland University Press, 1997)
[when gaiâs out on a mission, kakashi slinks into the manâs apartment. itâs second nature now to do away with the locks, and disarm the traps. heâll rearm them when he leaves. luckily the apartment is empty, no turtles in sight. making sure not to disturb gaiâs potted sunflower, kakashi carefully sets the small clay pot next to it.
gai did say he wanted some rare flowers to experiment for his shampoo. pakkun and the rest of the ninken had given kakashi a look when he said they were going foraging in the morning, and complained when they dipped in shady glades and marched through wetlands, a far cry from their regular cliffside training. but kakashi had found it.
the egret flowers were a beacon in the swamp. the strappy, deep green leaves and beautiful white flowers looked like birds in flight; and upon discovering them, the only thought in his head was: gai would like something like this.Â
now in gaiâs apartment, kakashi furrows his eyebrows.
is this enough? do i want him to forgive me like this?Â
kakashi grimaces. this is a shit apology. everything heâs doing is him running away from just saying it. fuck. now heâs overthinking this.Â
hooking one leg out of the window, kakashi gives one cursory glance at the plant, sighs, and heads out. maybe gai will come by to talk to him later. maybe then, kakashi will be able to verbalize something.]
Gai crosses Konohaâs gates long after the sun has gone down on the village. Itâs fine though the moon shines just as brightly in the dark, inky sky; its gentle beams illuminating his path on his quiet trek to his apartment.
The usually busy streets are empty this late at night, and he finds comfort in the thought that Konohaâs people are safe in their homes. He knows this is only a false veneer of peace, but he cannot help but indulge in it. Especially now, when there are those he wishes he could spare from the hushed rumors that war is looming just around the corner.
Frowning, he shakes his head, attempting to banish these dark thoughts, but the action only serves to bring up the other topic he had been avoiding; Kakashi. Annoyance is dredged up from the deep pool of his emotions where it had been momentarily forgotten, dislodging a flurry of feelings inside of him. Gai had had time to think about what happened while on his latest mission, but he is still unsure of how to proceed.Â
He lets out an uncharacteristically tired sigh as he arrives at his apartment building and begins to climb the stairs, taking two steps at a time as he makes his way up to his floor. Things between him and Kakashi had never been easy. The simple act of maintaining the relationship was a continuous uphill battle.Â
He knows intuitively that his rival never intended to hurt him and so a part of him, the part that is highly defensive of Kakashi, wonders if he should just move past this on his own to avoid more problems between them. However, Gai also knows his rival is no longer the person who burned bridges in a misguided attempt to protect others by distancing himself. Things were different now; Kakashi is different now. He would do Kakashi no favors by accepting an apology where there was none, and Kakashi would hate being coddled like a child.Â
Reaching the top floor of the building, Gai turns towards his door, makes quick work of his traps, and he enters the darkened apartment with a quiet, âIâm home.â The habit is a remnant of childhood that he never outgrew, even if it has been years since there was anyone to welcome him back. Flicking on the lights, Gai shrugs out of his vest and tosses it towards a kitchen chair, and then he heads towards his bedroom. Heâll take a shower and then finally get some rest.
He is in the middle of a yawn when he spots a small clay pot resting next to his sunflower on the shelf above his bed; in it, a vividly green orchid with elegant, white flowers. He blinks at it in confusion for a second wondering where it came from before understanding hits him. No one else would risk entering his apartment when he wasnât there, and no one else would choose to give him such a rare plant.
Gai moves closer to the window and picks up the pot in both hands. Under closer inspection, he finds that the plant definitely lives up to its name; its fringed petals look just like an egret mid-flight, and itâs one of the most beautiful things heâs ever seen. He lets out a breathy, joyful, and relieved laugh as tears well up in his eyes. His heart feels renewed. Itâs not a proper apology, no, but heâs moved nonetheless. This gift is proof that Gaiâs efforts to preserve their rivalry through all these years have not been in vain. Kakashi values it just as much.Â
He sets the plant down and tenderly strokes the delicate petals with a featherlight touch. The gentle aroma tickles his nose and he smiles. Heâll talk to Kakashi in the morning.
[Sentiments gently drift back to the bottom of the pool leaving nothing but crystal clear water in their wake]
"gai, who told you to look like that? it's distracting, you're too... [mumbles incoherently, but there's 'cute' and 'bright' and 'pretty stunning' thrown in the hodgepodge] ...i'm not the only one who sees it, you really have to stop it or it's going to drive me crazy."
Gai blinks beadily at his rival, confused and not completely understanding what the other man is mumbling about. The words swim around his head and he struggles to pick out anything over the hum in his own ears. Something about the way he looks?
Gai turns his gaze way from where he had been staring at Kakashiâs face to his own chest. His bare chest. Huh? When did that happen? He presses his hands over his pectorals and feels a warm, firm bounce under his fingertips when he presses. Okay. So he did loose his suit somewhere. This must be what his rival is talking about. Okay. He just needs to get up and look for it. Yes. Simple.
He tries to rise on wobbly feet but his vision swims and his world tilts sideways. He lands on something warm and snuggles up against it feeling suddenly cold. What was he doing again? Looking for something? Someone maybe? Maybe he could stay here instead? Where is he again? He looks up and sees a tufft of silver white.
He feels laughter bubble up in his throat and lets it spill over his lips and he raises a hand up to pat his rivalâs alchohl flushed cheek.
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