The Third Cycle

If you know me in real life, for the sake of my sanity don't tell me you've found me and most of all Do Not outright follow me - but feel free to read regardless.

[twilight-resonance]

Working Horizon

Then to write a somewhat more normal post, while I wait for food to finish. We had dinner a little earlier than usual tonight - which is to say, at, like, a normal time - so I'm hungry again now that it's the middle of the night. Stayed up to research candidates so that we can vote tomorrow. I made a small quesadilla, which will hopefully be enough to tide me but not so much it's uncomfy to go to bed.

Voting. What do I even say about that without doxxing myself. Well, there's the governor's race, which is an absolute shitshow. The field has narrowed to just a few viable candidates - none of which are the person who was my first choice - and, after going to a town hall with the one of the three we were least sure on, we ended up voting for that person. Despite reservations. Big reservations. We'll see how it plays out. We wrote in a candidate for local superintendent, mostly as a vote of no confidence in the other candidates - there's no way the primary candidate doesn't win that race, so we wrote in one of our friends who would do a better job anyway. Never mind that she's leaving the country for another job shortly. Then, the race I had the hardest time with was lieutenant governor. I'll be curious to see how that one shakes out, because there's not been nearly as much general discussion as for the actual governor, but that one has potential to be contentious as well. One of the nice things about talking it over together is that one of us can vote for the "safe" candidate, and one can vote for a somewhat more unorthodox candidate - and sort of strategize that way.

Let's see, what else. Music lessons. I've had two drum lessons so far now - so far, so good. I'm slowly figuring out how to distinguish the different drums when I'm listening to songs, and we went over how to read music for drums today. Got some exercises to practice for drumming each limb independently and building those skills; and I'll practice some specific songs over the couple of weeks too. I want to continue to move fast. The harp has been fun too - having it in the living room the way it is makes it easy to wander by and play at it for a minute before moving on, every time you pass it. Even Hearthsnail's been playing at it some, which is new and different for him. But I remember from my teenage years and teaching myself piano that what makes the biggest difference is mostly just volume - lots of practice, regularly, even if it's bite-sized - so I'm trying to do some every day on both. I figure that'll yield the quickest results. I would love to be able to play both with some competency.

Summer's on the horizon. One school is fully wrapped up for the year, and one ends next week. I'm doing my best to get ahead on the summer - day camp doc, missions done for regular events ahead of time, etc - to save me grief later. Summer is a lot. I love it, but it's a lot. I probably ought to run more next year - another day camp at least, and maybe two - one for each league level - but it's too late for it this year. To say nothing of, where on earth am I going to fit it. There are only so many weeks in the summer - I wish it were longer. It makes me sad the way that the school year steadily encroaches further and further into summer - during my first few years in school, it started a full month later than it does now. If the additional month were making meaningful impact on education outcomes I might feel differently, but as far as I can tell... it's not.

Lots of birthdays these last few weeks - this is always a busy time of year for birthdays. Some neat ones, this time, and also some kind of flops. But so it goes. The upcoming commission meeting is also going to be... a lot. They don't usually send out the agenda in like. Parts. But this one has parts. Gods help us all. Also have some smaller meetings with commission business - got to make sure those are all set and squared.

Man, I'm tired. I'm not sure what it's been the last couple of weeks - usually when I'm staying the night over between work days, I'm up til long past midnight; and the last couple of weeks, I've been nodding off at my computer at barely past 9PM while I'm trying to work. Maybe it's just being towards the end of the school year - I don't know. But it's been a lot.

I feel like I had more to ramble on, but it's all fallen out of my head. Probably ought to go to bed anyway. I'll see about writing something more rambly tomorrow while I'm on a very long wait for an appointment. Goodnight~

[twilight-resonance]

Heartstrings

It is clear to me that I am not going to be able to work until I ramble a bit. It is midnight, and I have been coming to terms with this for an hour - though I knew two earlier - but it has taken some time to set in. I have a birthday to plan for tomorrow, and while I have time in the morning, there is a knowing in my spirit that it will go best if I get the major beats mapped out tonight.

But there are other things in the way.

A prayer to the world: please, for the sake of all that is gentle, don't be one of the people to read this. You would know, without question, that it was you. I do not think it's likely, which is why I am even posting this in the first place; but it is by a hair's width as it is. Please, for all that is made of light and laughter. Please.

It's the small things.

It's the tea made, before I can even ask; because you knew that's the first thing I do each morning.

It's the cadence of music, and closed eyes; listening. Some shared to be heard; some played, more beautiful as time went on. It may not have been perfect; but it was yours, and that was what mattered more.

It's the stepping in on seeing that the decision was once more going to fall to me, when no one had strong feelings; and intercepting it, so that I wouldn't have to again.

It's knowing that the first song had significance. It's knowing me well enough to know that, and catch that, and see that. I still wonder, in the disjointed recounting, which you meant - the king, or me.

It's compiling dishes, because that's all you could do. Or helping cook without question. It's the kitchen as a hearth, and tending it in small ways alongside me.

It's the late night conversations, dubious though they may have been - as all good late night conversations skirt the edge of. It's the making the point (lmao), whether you realized you were doing it or not. It's going to bed, less for your own sake and more to encourage me to go that way before it got even later.

It's the song playing, right now, not bidden but wandering as it will.

It's the rhetorical question, unasked. Whichever version it may be. I'm grateful either way. Haunted by it, still, because the vulnerability is new; but grateful nonetheless.

It's killing me. Both versions. All versions. But it's breathing life into things, too. Please don't misunderstand, or mistake. You wouldn't be wrong, but you wouldn't be right either. The world is not always so clear-cut or drawn in clean lines. This is one of those places.

It's that it's so easy. It terrifies me that it's so easy.

I will never breathe a word.

I hope you are resting easy tonight, busy as you are. I hope you are sleeping without trouble. I hope you find some peace, and some rest, in the midst of it all. We are not inclined to peaceful natures, either of us; but may you find it regardless. In small moments of precious time. Somewhere, someday.

[twilight-resonance]

Gathering Little Things

Writing a little before bed, as is my way. More for its own sake, than because there's anything to say; also because I just made a fresh cup of tea because I'm thirsty, and I don't want it to go to waste. I'm still just sick enough that plain water burns a little on the way down, and I ran out of pickle juice earlier tonight, so.

Let's see. Lots of little things. Was sick over the weekend, as I just mentioned; Hearthsnail had it first across the week, I picked it up later in the week. We've both got the lingering cough, and mine seems to be drumming up my asthma some as well, but other than that and being a bit more tired than usual we're mostly fine. It was a relatively light thing. It's our required once a year to get sick, and it's out of the way, so we should be good for most of another year.

Tonight was a board games night. Just with Gnomemode. We played Moon Colony: Bloodbath, and in doing so found a tableau builder that I actually like. For the most part they're not my thing, mostly because I don't enjoy the super nitty-gritty that tableau builders tend to lean into; but this one was light enough, and had a fun theme to wit, which helps. Otherwise it was our last round of a legacy game before retiring it, and then some Dutch Blitz to round out the long games with something short and stupid.

Went to the aquarium this weekend, with Gnomemode and their partner and Hardplace. Took a lot out of me due to the aforementioned sick, and also it's one of their busiest days of the year - but we managed to time it such that arrival was the most crowded it was and things tapered down a bit. Didn't realize the kid's area was completely out for the count - sounds like they're remodeling it. The rest was all mostly the same as it ever is. Got to share some fish facts, and we took the Blue Whale Cum Facts a step or two deeper on the math than I had previously. Making sure we hit the important things, at least.

Had a power outage this morning. Lots of wind, the last few days - probably the hot weather blowing in - and it was out for a solid five and a half hours. Mostly I was sleeping, and then after that I was showering - I am eternally gratefully that we always have hot water even during power outages. So a shower by lanternlight was sort of nice. Came on just before I left for the day's errands. I'm not 100% sure about how well the things in the fridge fared - probably ought to keep an eye on them. It was the first one of the year, though, and earlier than usual to boot - makes me worry that it bodes ill for the rest of the summer. I know that they're forecasting a potentially rough fire season this year. We should probably actually get a go bag prepared and put together again, just in case.

Other adventures. Music adventures. Picking my harp up tomorrow, finally, after like four months. I'm not worried about how long it's taken to get it worked on, I'm just happy to have it back. Looking forward to starting to learn it - I paged through the sort of beginner's teach-yourself book, and it looks fairly approachable even knowing nothing. Lots of early practice on hand position, because you know. Music and repetitive strain injuries. Also, I had my first drum lesson today and enjoyed it greatly. Drummers and neurodivergent people being a circle of a venn diagram seems to pan out so far, but that's all right - probably works better for me anyway. I enjoyed it a lot, and he loaned me a couple of sticks to take home and practice with. I found that a couple of our padded folding chairs have some decent rebound on the sticks, so I've been playing music over the TV and standing and trying to drum along as best I can. Been enjoying it so far. I am making it my goal over the upcoming few weeks to become as insufferable as I can with drumming on everything all the time. It's a required phase for new drummers, as I understand it, and I intend to do good. Want to get the grip on the sticks down for my next lesson in a couple of weeks - comfortable enough that it's automatic and I don't have to think about it, and can focus on other things.

Got to talk to Lighthouse earlier tonight, just a bit ago. It's nice to touch in with her here and there, especially since she's on the opposite side of the country now. Got to share the drumming with her, which I figured she in particular would appreciate, being a former drummer herself. Different sort, but nonetheless. Looking forward to seeing her sometime this summer, and maybe later this month. We shall see.

What else? The upcoming many weeks are going to be busy. In truth, it's going to go from what ought to be the self-contained stretch of constant busy over the upcoming couple of weeks, into camping for a couple weeks, directly into summer work marathon hell after. So this is really the beginning of the end. These couple of days are probably my last quiet ones for a while, and I ought to use 'em well. I'd like to get a bunch of things cleaned, if I can - partly because it needs it, partly because there won't be time later, partly because it's easier to come and go from things like camping when the house is clean. There are probably other preparatory tasks like that I should consider, especially planning things, but planning will be what it'll be. I'll find the time in and amongst all the rest, and what I don't have time for I'll improvise and all will be well. It's been nice, this year, feeling another step greater in terms of comfort and fluency with improvisation. I need to be careful not to let it make me lazy - my well-planned events are still on the whole better - but it's nice for when I need or want the time for other things.

Oh, can't think of much else to ramble on. Like I said, lots of little things - no big revelations. Which is good - it's good to have some of both. I'm going to go back to playing solitaire and sipping on my tea until I've had enough that I don't feel guilty abandoning it for bed. Goodnight~

[twilight-resonance]

Surely I Could Still Make It Ring

It's funny, the things that resonate with you. I've been taken by surprise with a few recently. There are always the things that you enjoy, that of course you enjoy - the ones that don't even need to be said. There are also the things that you enjoy - things that are your favorites, even - but that don't quite have that deep resonance. But then there are the things that ambush you; that you would never have expected, and that others wouldn't have expected, but that happen to strike the light in just the right way. Those are always the interesting ones.

It's always interesting to try to trace the strings of why. Why certain things resonate for you in ways they don't for others, or why they land just right, or what it is they lead to. There's a good writing and art exercise in that, I figure - but that's not the point. At least right now.

There are the things that you enjoy, that of course you enjoy, and no one needed to be told. For me that's Lord of the Rings, that's Pellinor, that's Mists of Avalon, that's Kushiel. Arguably, that's The Dark Tower. All of them tales of adventure across a vast timespan and space, traveling throughout many worlds - however metaphorical or literal that may be - with all the usual trappings of fantasy and song and poem and riddles with a deeper meaning in the world. Those are givens.

There are the things that you enjoy - things are your favorites, though they needn't be by necessity. For me that's Deep Space 9, that's Babylon 5, that's Spirit Island, that's Six Ages. All things that are many-sided, with many factors balanced against one another; where good and bad are not simple, and where we get to play with nuance. Each in their own ways about the ways that mortal lives intersect with mythology and religion, and where one becomes the other.

Then, there are the things that resonate.

Priscilla: Queen of the Desert is an old one - the oldest one I can think of, this moment. I still couldn't tell you precisely why it resonates for me, but it does and has for a very long time. I ought to rewatch it again, sometime, just to see if it still does - but I think it probably does. Is it my favorite? No - but there's a way it lodges itself behind the lower regions of my ribcage that's undeniable.

The Dark Tower is arguably one of these, as well. When I read it, I was surprised by the way the whole thing flowed the way the inside of my head feels - the depth of landscape and texture, and the way that everything bleeds into one another and intertwines at its edges; that is both rough and course and also delicate and beautiful at the same time. I'm not sure about this one, but it sure echoes the inside of my head more clearly than almost anything else. This one is one of my favorites, but it's also one that's less certain as the resonance goes.

As I said above - I've been ambushed by two more, recently. I wonder if it might be in part due just to exploring more in the continual quest to give this mind something to chew on... But I think it's also at least part happenstance.

One is Moonrise Kingdom. I already mentioned it once or twice - in the context of enjoying it, and in the context of enjoying Wes Anderson's works in general, and even in the context of the resonance. I wasn't anticipating it resonating quite so much; but it shouldn't be surprising, either. I already said why. I found a more concise way to put it, though - what it's about, and what I suspect about it pulls so strong for me. It's about what it is to live in a world that you're not the right shape for; and the lengths that the world will try to go to in order to force you to fit; and the lengths that must be gone to in turn to survive intact and as yourself. This one is also not my favorite - but I can tell that it's one of those ones that's going to stay, whether I will it or not.

The other is Glass Heart. I talked about that one a little, some time ago. It's been a slow process of working through it - not quite Hearthsnail's cup of tea, and I wouldn't have thought it would be mine either. It's hard to watch it with him, in some ways - in that it strikes so deeply for me, in ways that feel vulnerable. We're well-matched in many ways, but no one is absolutely perfect for each other; and this is one of those places we don't quite fit. He is not particularly romantic - in the greater sense of the world, not strictly in a relationships sense - and that's a thing that runs quiet but deep for me. I am still figuring out how to touch on that part of me in ways outside of this - but that's something else entirely.

Glass Heart, in a way not quite shared by all the rest, hurts. Like Priscilla, I don't know that I could quite put my finger on why. I appreciate the sincerity of it, for one - that same thing that draws me to Lord of the Rings. It takes itself seriously, in a way that is very much not in vogue right now. It has that touch of deeper meaning in the world, and the beauty in small things and small moments; but it's more than that, too. Watching it feels like grieving. Which, I suppose, is part of the idea - that's what it's about, in part.

...All of them are about people. Not people, write broad - about humanity, and mortality, and what it means to be human - but about people. Specific people. In a way that goes beyond the inherent nature of being a character in a story. Characters being the way they are is part of any story, which may also be about other things; but not every story is about a character - or group of characters - being what they are. All of these things are this. All of them are about groups of people - specific groups of people - and what it means to be the way they are.

All of them are honest in what it means to be these people. In that, sometimes, it's ugly - and unapologetically so. Sometimes people are hard to deal with, and do ugly things, and run crossthreads against another in ways that are no one's fault but due merely to who they are. Glass Heart less so than the rest of them, in some ways - but what the story's about aches in other ways. There's no sense of needing to remove these things from these people, or necessarily even to grow from them; but simply to learn to navigate them as part of navigating another world.

All of them are about people who are the wrong shape. Who are in some way fundamentally broken by trying to fit into the world around them, or who in breaking no longer have a place - and are outcast because of it. Priscilla, Dark Tower, Moonrise are all this way. Glass Heart, less so once again - but I'll return to it in a moment. It's not found family; there's a sense in found family that, having been found, all will be well and you will be made whole again. None of these make that claim. In all of them, there will never be a way to fit into the rest of the world, and there is no way to be a shape that does so. Living will never be comfortable, and you will never be fixed - and, I think, that's part of the point. That you go on living anyway.

Sigh. Shut up. This is how I'm figuring it out, okay? I have to put it to words to grasp it, no matter how obvious it might be to anyone else. Just bear with me on it.

Glass Heart is less about outcasts and more about ties that bind - it's the same problem, turned inwards. How you navigate the process of breaking one another when you cannot help but do so; when you cannot just walk away, because this is the one thing in the world that fits. The one thing that makes sense beyond words. It says, rather be broken than hollow; and, if we must break, then let us break in shapes that fit together. There is still no comfort in it, in the end, nor being fixed; only that you go on living anyway.

So there's my answer, I suppose. Shouldn't have been so hard. It wasn't hard, I suppose; I just needed to take the time and space to sort through it. I don't like the answer I found, mind you. There's no comfort it in. Which I suppose, as above, is the point.

But there was never going to be any anyway, so. That's why, too.

Why this one hurts so much more than the rest of them, I still don't know. Some of it surely has to lie in where it's different from the others - but I don't know if it's that I can't see, or that I don't want to look. It may well become one of my favorites, though. One of those ones that surprises you. We've got one more episode left - I'll be sad when it's done. I may rewatch it again while Hearthsnail's not around. Maybe I'll understand it more after, then.

[twilight-resonance]

Falling Slowly

Writing a little, late again, mostly so that I've done something a little different with my day and hopefully sleep better. Migraining again - excedrin is helping more than I thought it would, but my right arm still aches. Probably from sleeping too long last night, but who knows.

Speaking of health things, I have discovered a bit about how tumblr processes things. For context, I do occasionally delve into the "for you" tag just to see what pops up - and, important, its algorithm is crap. It's clearly based on how long you "look" at a post - so if it's a long piece of text that you're reading, or a video, or you leave the computer on a given post for a few minutes to make tea, everything that comes after will be on the same beat as whatever you looked at too long. I have also discovered that it pays attention to what you're writing about. I talked about my period once, ever, last post, in the written body of the post - no tags mentioning it, no searching anything to that effect, etc - and suddenly there's a ton of things about periods showing up in the "for you" section. So that you know. I also figured it was going to give me a ton of witchy stuff when I reblogged that Odin post, and it did... it'll run course eventually. In the meantime, sigh.

In any case. Last couple of days of work were... funny. At the first school, there are the kids who have been trying to invent firearms in-game who apparently brought a prototype to school to try to get approved, and like. Guys. You cannot bring a gun to school - I don't care if it's a piece of PVC pipe hooked up to a bike pump, what the fuck were you thinking. I never actually saw it myself, but one of the other teachers let me know what was up. Just. Guys.

The second day, they solved some of their problems by singing at plot... in the form of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. It was - regrettably - a good choice of song for what they were trying to achieve; so that lives on in the game's history now. So anyway, it's been a silly couple of days.

I said that I wanted to talk about adult league's event last Sunday, so I'm going to do that while I'm here. There were two things that made it excellent - one story-wise, one structure-wise. Structure-wise, I tried very hard to structure and sequence the on-the-way encounters to save time - making sure that terrain features built up across sequences and didn't need to be removed, leapfrogging baddies, teaching mechanics that built, etc; and it worked really well. We actually got four missions done, and two - three? - of those were the longest ones on the board. So that felt really good, both to me and to players. Story-wise, it was all of the gears clicking into place that I'd hoped for - wheels within wheels within wheels - and players came out of the day with a much cleared idea of what was going on and what needed to happen - or at least what their options might be - by the end of it. Plus, some big story beats I've been sitting on all season; Alaina Woodsbourne and all that. There's still, like, two-thirds of it to go at least; but that's neither here nor there. Which is to say, that's for another month's event entirely.

I've said it several places and times already, but - I was genuinely shocked at how well I pulled off playing an extraordinarily wise old lady. There were some things that came out of my mouth that absolutely slapped; that I wouldn't have been able to come up with if I were thinking about it, but because I was just playing it flowed out like waves. It does also help being, y'know, somewhat older than all of the players themselves, and having just enough perspective to stay a step ahead; but it also helps that I just am an old lady at heart already. Or at least keep ending up in situations where I'm hanging out with them.

Never heard back from the one drum place, so I emailed another and we'll see on that one. During Thursday's school event, the kids were doing a sound test rehearsal; and watching and listening to one of my kids playing drums was the final straw in breaking down to wanting to do it badly enough myself to actually commit to it. Drums, and harp. We will continue to gather eclectic skillsets until the day we die. I've been thinking about pulling out my woodcarving tools, too, and getting back to doing some of that. For particular purposes, but still.

Oh! Asterism showed me how to spin the other night! I hadn't gotten a chance during Location Day II, so it was nice to get a chance then. I've spun fiber once, a long time ago, and wasn't very good at it; but doing it the other night went much better. I was very happy with what I put out, particularly it being basically my first time all over again. I'm fairly certain I still have that same old drop spindle somewhere... and I suspect I'm in danger of buying some roving next ren faire and making another craft hobby out of it. It was just such an easy thing to do, and would probably be a good grounding thing for me to do as well on certain days. A bit like the hand drill that I used to have - it had a similar sort of mindless, tactile meditation about it.

Slowly, bit by bit, collecting the skills I would need to survive if I were stranded on a deserted island. Or something. Why? Because who knows. That, and musical instruments. Never mind that I can't send invoices or write an email without imploding into a fleshy blob. Kill me.

Bah, my arm still aches. My head's feeling a little better, at least. Gonna run a bunch of errands tomorrow - grocery story, and hardware store, and Hearthsnail wants to go by the game shop that's a ways out of town, and we'll see what else.

In other news, still a pathetic sopping mess. I shouldn't say, because I'm allowed to have feelings, I'm just. Self-conscious about them I suppose. Or - not quite - maybe I suppose self conscious about how long I have them, and how deeply. My emotional half-life is... extraordinarily long. It's like The Strid, but for feelings. I'm used to it, and I don't mind it - I like having emotions to chew on - but I suppose I'm self-conscious about exhausting others with them. Like come on Mitholos, just get over it already; which is a sentiment I've received more than a handful of times. That's the beautify of this, I suppose, as a space - if people don't want to read it, they don't have to and I then also don't have to know about it. So like. I shouldn't feel self-conscious about it, at least in this context. But I do. Hence preemptively mocking it and putting it down. Because that's, you know, healthy. I've expressed it clumsily here, but it is what it is. Regardless.

So yes. The last couple of days, feelings were - I don't know - more constant, but quieter? Like a constant gentle buzzing in the background that doesn't really ever go away, but is ignorable. So that was a bit different, things mellowing out a bit. That said, certainly learning new things about myself, in the process of watching myself sort through it all. Then there's the end of it that, like - on the one hand, I'm hard to read and have an excellent poker face and am generally good at concealing my thoughts and emotions completely. On the other hand, I have surrounded myself with people who are very good at seeing through that bullshit, and/or who I've trained to see through that bullshit in other people. So there's a part of me that is like, oh gods, I hope nobody has picked up on it. There would be nothing for it, and I would simply have to die.

Nonetheless, like I said above - and in a prior post somewhere - it's nice to have feeling to chew on, regardless of what they are. There's been a sharp increase in quality of life and imagination that's come with it, as all those things that are fueled primarily by emotions come to life a little. Even if it's just things like, being able to stop and revel in all the little details and beauties of the world - things that are easier when my feelings, regardless of what they might be, aren't blunted and dull. Plenty else, too. I ought to pay attention to that too, actually - what parts of life are seeing that kind of improvement, because that's a good sign that they're fueled by emotions. So that, in the future, if I'm struggling with them I know why, and what I might need to do to address it.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough I think. Gonna head to bed soon. Writing was nice, as always. Thus, like a coyote, I have trampled down the grass and can maybe get some sleep.

[twilight-resonance]

Inspired by arriving at the park one day, nearly a year ago; and finding some left-behind sashes and old packets and the torn-up remnants of a sword.

This one has been in progress for a while now. Tonight I finally got it... close enough, though it could likely still use a little tinkering. But I'll take it for a first full draft.

[twilight-resonance]

Scrabbling Creatures

Tonight is one of those nights I wish I had something to pray to. This is the best I got, so. Here I am.

It's not... I don't feel that crappy. A little, for certain - but I'm not that kind of angry, or sad, or despairing. Just. Kind of crappy. Some of that will be the migraine - the last couple of days have been migraine town, and this one has definitely been one of those that hard shuts down my mental faculties - and its lingering influence; as well as the consequential impact of having not been able to do much the last couple days, and feeling crappy about that too. We went to see Project Hail Mary on a whim last night, and that was nice. But that's been about it. Been too brain-dumb for anything else.

Bodies are wild. I don't generally get cramps - my periods are so insanely light and merciful that it's genuinely beyond believing - and yet. I could tell, last night and today, that laying a heat pack over my abdomen was going to help my migraine go away. Didn't get a chance last night, still had it this morning; held on to one all morning, and lo and behold my migraine faded. All of the tiredness on my right side, and the vague dull aching in my head, and the light sensitivity, and all of it. I'm sure it makes sense on some level, but like. I was joking to Hearthsnail earlier that if I were ever to have a child (*not in the plans, ever - no thank you), maybe they would just spring fully-formed out of a headache like Zeus to Athena; because that's apparently where all my menstrual symptoms reside.

Anyway, the emotional low isn't that. I don't have that one much either, and the little that I do is largely the week before. I suspect it's more to do with the combined being bored and unable to think the last couple of days and also coming down from the high of running Adult League. The drop, or whatever. It was a fantastic event, and I meant to write about it, but I suspect the moment is passed. In any case, it does tend to leave some lowness in its wake sometimes. Perhaps that's all it is.

Hello, I wish you were here. I wish you were here to talk to, and joke with, and take some gentle comfort in companionship from. Comfort, and reassurance. That more than the rest I think. I will not tell you this. It destroys me that I miss you on such ridiculous terms, and that I wish for these things. But I wish it nonetheless.

Dude, sorting out all of the community social tensions and issues last year was a fucking walking nightmare. I was watching a couple of the folks who'd had problems with each other laughing and joking and snipping at each other comfortably at dinner after last event, and it was gratifying to see that. Forcing them to sit down and talk last season was a fucking nightmare. Taking aside the circle of guys to talk was a nightmare too. So many of the one-by-one conversations, their own special nightmares in all sorts of shapes and shadows. The entirety of last season was one long fucking nightmare. I did it - things are so vastly better than they were - but gods, what a series of fucking nightmares. So many of those conversations were hard for the people involved, and rightly so, but I had to have all of them. I had to bear all of them, and the keeping of all the heavy things that came with them. And I bore that weight without protest, because that is my job. Leadership something something, submission to duty something. What a fucking nightmare.

It was well worth it, though. Things are worlds beyond worlds better this season. I meant it, when I said two years; but it is already worlds better in one. Sometimes even nightmares are worth it. Something about walking in darkness, and refusing to turn from the light ahead. If there were ever something I'm made for, there's a good chance it's that.

Good gods, what else. What else do I need to purge from my system tonight. Spiritually, I am scrabbling desperately or restlessly at the walls of myself, like some uncertain animal. Oh joy, it's this song again. Hello again. I miss you, and I will clamp my teeth closed over that.

What a strange thing, to be shared. In the sense of the understandings that lie between others, and being seen in the webbing that ties those things together. What a strange thing to be seen at all - no, what a strange thing to be caught. That's the one that's new. The feeling of being caught. Like an acrobat, and hoisted back onto my feet with a gentle bounce. What a strange thing indeed.

(Maybe I am meant, I think, to be shared. In that the weight of me is so often too much in most contexts and to most people; in that, for as much as that is true of every human - for we are meant to exist in knit communities, to share each others' burdens - it is maybe more so true for me. In more ways than -)

I am perhaps flying too close to the sun with the sleep thing. I got two hours of sleep before last adult league. That part's not the sun - that's all nothing new, and well within hand - it's more that it's come up several times now recently. Describing to others the way that, yeah, I had sleep problems for years; and the scars it has left me mean that I can fall asleep anywhere, at any point, for any amount of time, and wake up and be completely lucid and functional. The way that people who have been in, like, the army learn to do. So yeah, I can roll out of bed after two hours of sleep and GM an absolutely fantastic event - already not easy, by the way - and then drive home afterwards like it's nothing. It's the telling that's the sun. It's the recurrence of the telling that's flying too close - to what, I don't know, but I know better than to tempt fate. We let the telling quiet down, and let the memories simmer quietly.

Some nights, you want to sit quietly outside the gates of hell just to sit. Maybe that's what tonight is about. Why, I don't know, but that sure feels like what I'm doing. Almost like a meditation. Like The Thinker, Dante outside the gates. I suppose it's good to be reminded, sometimes, that for as much as hell is right there we're also not in it right now. There is a threshold between here and there, and we are comfortably on one side of it. Then again, I suppose I do like standing on the threshold. Of everything. Forever. So why not hell, too. Maybe that explains a lot about me, actually.

Well, that's enough about that. I'm just about at the end of April, and that might as well be cue to move on. To bed, and otherwise. Gods help me.

[twilight-resonance]

Channeling

It's amazing how just the shadow of the wrong mention at the wrong moment becomes a conduit to rage. I put it all to rest pretty quick, but damn, for a moment I was possessed by a flash of lividity that I didn't realize I still held. That's not to say it's fully to rest - that's what now is for - but well enough to rest for the moment. Like a white-hot slash from my throat down to my gut. We swallowed it, and I hope it didn't show, because it was shared with me in a moment of what was meant to be honored appreciation and awe. But you can tell I'm haunted by it now, given the choice of song to loop and loop and loop...

Makes me almost want to share it, when the times comes. Despite that that it's a sore spot from before. The time is coming soon, I think... Would have come already, were there not a confluence of time in late April to be avoided. We'll see what happens when the time comes, if it comes, when it comes.

I thought space would make me mine Put some distance in between But every step I take these days Feels like somewhere you've been I don't live by all your rules I don't see the world the same But when everything starts shaking I still hear you'll call my name Maybe I haven't grown big enough, to contain it all. It's still a maelstrom - love and rage and loss, all the same. It's not true, really - in the end, I think I am big enough to contain it all after all. But is still enormous, and it is fierce.

Other feelings have been big this week. Still and always, I suppose. Some of them lighter ones, for once - joy, and silliness, and desire - that have been fulfilling. I don't know if it's having had enough adventures recently, or if it's the spring weather and time year, or if after watering the grass it's started again to grow. Nonetheless, I've enjoyed. Some of them have been twilight hues, too, as ever - there are other songs that have been lingering as well. Buried deep in April; ones that I very much do not intend to share.

The other day, we got some surprise spring rain. I got one of our camp chairs, and a blanket, and some hot tea and a heat pack; and sat out on the front porch and journaled and watched the rain. Because I could. Because we have free will, and it's meant to be used. It was a lovely couple of hours to spend, and I stayed warm enough. It's been a while since I've paper journaled - I go through cycles, both with that and this - and it was nice to do so again. Watching the rain was good for me. It's likely the last for the year - the last good one, anyway - and I was glad to be there to see on its way.

Done a lot of reading this week, too - chapters and chapters, in ways it's been years since I've done. Still Kushiel - the last book. I'm going to be sad when it's over. I didn't think I was going to want to read the parallel series - the same tale from other characters' perspectives - but perhaps I will after all. With a break for other things, perhaps. The books have been doing me some good, though, I think. I absolutely love its take on mythology; it feels so thoroughly grounded in the way that religion worked in antiquity and has worked historically, with that touch that comes with fantasy in those things also being real. I love the way that the books are, among other things, a love letter to the many and varied cultures of antiquity - including those that often get passed over.

Still looking forward to this weekend's event. I've been doing a lot of working, and reworking, and reworking... But it feels less like hashing and rehashing and more like shaping clay. It feels like it's becoming more and more what I'm looking for. I need to be careful of attachment - attachment to what I want the day to be is the best way to strangle and suffocate the thing, and will yield naught but disappointment on my part and frustration on others' - but I think I can do that. Saturday will have to mostly be detailing; even though the foundation's only halfway there, that's where the work needs to be - and we'll sort out the rest when we get there. That's how it ever goes.

Tomorrow will be good. It's a lighter day tomorrow, and I suppose that's part of what I'm looking forward to, whether for better or for the worse. Not for the break - I do love what I do - but for the space to simply be for a while, rare as it is. Then Saturday, and then the rest; all of it, unfolding, one step at a time.

[twilight-resonance]

Wow, my April playlist so far is hitting me a bit extra hard. Went back and listened to it all so far and it's Uh. Clearly there are Things. Probably just for me, because that's how music works... But oof.

[twilight-resonance]

Small and Sweet Adventures

Here again once more, to put to rest some of those other stories from the last days. Hearthsnail is asleep on the couch because he doesn't want to go to bed yet, but he's - y'know - tired, so. Earbuds in and listening to music, and it's close enough to being alone that I should be able to think.

Okay, never mind, I actually completely dropped this for a second to email someone about drum lessons. We'll see if I end up actually springing for them, or if the guy has any openings for new students, but it would be good for me. I've wanted to learn drums for years. Listening to a metal section in my playlist inspired me enough to actually jump and at least go that far. Anyway, back on track. What was I going to ramble about? Travel adventures, and birthday adventures I think. Let's see...

Of the two I'm more excited to talk about birthday adventures, so let me start with travel adventures real quick and then we'll do the others. We found some last-minute sites in Yosemite - in one of the tent villages, which is where we've usually been able to find lodging there - and went for a few days last week. I always forget how hard the altitude change hits me. I seem to be particularly sensitive to it even among the small percentage of population that's already especially sensitive to it - spent the first evening there exhausted and winded and sick to my stomach. Could barely eat dinner, had to fight my way through it. Got there though, and the second and third days were a bit easier. We decided to blow our reserves on day two and actually finish Vernal Falls - the last time we were there we didn't quite make it up to the top, because we'd started late and the sun was setting. The higher portions of the trail are also not easy if you have a hard time with heights, which both of us do - Hearthsnail more than me - and also not easy all-around if you're desperately out of shape the way we are. But we did it, and it was a really cool way to spend the day. It's peak waterfall season, so the falls were absolutely roaring over the drop; and the mist and the rainbow and all were absolutely gorgeous. I have a new picture fro the hike that is probably going to become my profile picture on most things, supplanting the picture that is also from that hike that I've used for a couple decades now.

It was nice to just hang out at the top for a bit. Watch the way the water converges before the falls, and watch people just hanging out and swimming a bit, and sunbathing on the rocks and warming back up after all the heavy damp of the mist. I'd brought my sketchbook and practiced drawing flowing water, and mostly failed; but it was a good exercise. We went a little further than I'd ever gone before, too - just up to the bridge that leads to the trail to Nevada Falls, which was also very pretty and crossed into a transitional zone for another biome and that was a neat change of pace. Made it back down and all, but we were mostly destroyed the next day. That trail is brutal if you're not in good shape, but it's extra brutal if you're short and those stairs are proportionally higher. The third day we mostly... what did we do on the third day? Hiked around the valley, I think, where it was flat, and then up by Mirror Lake around dusk. The whole area up by the lake is all torn up by some storms that must have happened this winter - it's a mess, and it was doing some very interesting things to the shape of the creek. Places where it eddies in circles and circles and circles... Had to head home after that so I could catch my meeting, but it was nice to go at all - it's been a couple years. I confess, though, that I was extraordinarily fed up with people by the end; I normally have more patience than that, but by the end I was fully I'm-going-to-walk-in-the-middle-of-the-path-instead-of-moving-for-the-bikes-because-they-should-have-taken-the-bike-trail-and-fuck-them. Like just outright unabashed asshole mode. Probably to a point of a tad more than was reasonable. I was just so fucking sick and tired of oblivious people not paying any mind to anyone outside their own selves and planting themselves right in the way of the entire rest of the road and not making it work. That's the first time I've left Yosemite quite so peopled out. It was a lot.

So then, yes - it was my meeting, and then planning with one of my assistants and another pair of meetings in the middle of that planning session - so help me - and then a day of work and planning and such. Was glad that I had the planning day; went slower than it ought to have, given all the creative drought I've already talked about plenty - but it was time at all, which was necessary because it was D&D followed by JL followed by a bonus day of LARP followed by the starts to each of the various school leagues' final acts. So it was a lot, and I'd had no time to get any of it done up to that point, so I got... something, anyway, and I was glad for it.

It was also my birthday weekend, and there were lots of really sweet little birthday adventures here and there from all the various people.

I would have brought a cake to D&D to celebrate, but Hearthsnail had already warned me that he'd been warned not to bring a cake. One of our friends had gone to a bakery and gotten a ton of little pastries, and they all sprung it on me after dinner. You know what was silly? They sang the happy birthday song, and the candles were burning, and I fully forgot for a few moments after they finished what happens next - because it's been so many years since I've actually had candles. I remember mere moments before it got weird, and blew them out, and we got to eat delicious pastries. Mine was a raspberry and cream tart. We're still working our way through the leftovers from that - they were all really good! (D&D was good too - they pushed their way through a big fight at the end, one they weren't sure they were going to be able to win - but they made it happen. Had some other fun encounters on the way too, as they're making their way back to town from deep in the grasslands. That's tales for another time, though.)

The following day was FalJL, so I had to come home (late!) from D&D and finish as much planning I could for that. Early morning, and Hearthsnail and I had to drive down separately so I didn't have the additional planning time in the morning. Blessings be, though, it was mostly all newer and younger players for the day though - which meant that I could pull out some tools and tricks to help catch them up to speed with the season, and they were in a much better place by the end of the day. Better sense of how the game flows, better sense of what matters in what way and how it all connects, etc. They got some good missions done, and it was fun. Stayed down there that night; went out for dinner with the family I was staying with, which was sweet, and then cloistered myself away to do all the planning for the following day that I hadn't had time to do yet.

It's so sad - our planning for that event was so solid, and so clean and so fucking cool; and they got one mission done. It was an all-day event, and they got one mission done. One single-move mission, by the way. It makes sense; it was all haunt-solving all the way down, which isn't something any of them have ever had to deal with before - so it took some time. Sunshepherd was starting to get ever so slightly grumpy by the end of the morning, because it was clear the party wasn't going to get to most of the very cool story; but it was all right. They did eventually solve the one mission, and we take that. I caught some flack from parents at the end of the day - when Sunshepherd announced it was my birthday and the kids all sang, and the parents realized what was up halfway through - for not telling anyone that it was my birthday that day; but that's all right.

Afterwards was wonderful. I'd only invited people last-minute to come hang out in the park afterwards, but with some nudging from Sunshepherd a pack of people showed up and we hung out and were just silly and played games. Namely Blood on the Clocktower, which Quicksilver has wanted to show me for forever and which I thoroughly enjoyed. We love a good social deduction game, and this was a good one. Otherwise, we hung out and ate pastries - courtesy of one of the folks who works at a bakery and had just gotten off-shift, so it was more delicious birthday pastries and delightful - and chatted and were silly. A couple of people brought gifts, which was unexpected and sweet - incense and a candle and a rubber duck, the lattermost of which is going to become my evil advisor - and, when it got dark, we all went and got dinner at some place that was open 'til almost midnight. Got to listen to people's stories about various games and lives, and share some of my own, and then when the place kicked us out we hung out in the parking lot being silly until too late at night. I got home at something like 3AM. It was wonderful.

It's that, I don't get to hang out with friends at ridiculous hours of the night anymore. And there's an extent to which I never really have. There's a lot of that I never got to do in college, on account of not really having any friends nearby in college; so being able to do it now is a certain kind of healing. I also like the kind of person I am after midnight. That person is a lot freer, and sillier, and full of mischief and joy than my full-waking daylight self. So too, my birthdays have historically been really shitty - I've spent more than a handful of birthdays various shades of crying, or hurting, or alone. So it was really nice to get to have a good birthday for once. With friends, no less. <3

The final birthday celebration was yesterday, when DigiornoChristo made the kids at my other school league sing me happy birthday. Which they were delighted to do, silly gooses and theater children that they are. It was lots of small and lower-key birthday celebrations, but it was still all really sweet and I enjoyed it greatly.

The rest of the week has been by and large par for the course. Doing my best to get any planning done at all - with the aforementioned creative drought woes - and more meetings, and taxes, and all and sundry such. Still not nearly caught up - still far behind - but still trying to tend to those duties where and when I can. This weekend is mostly free, at least - other than high tea on Sunday - so I can try to get a jump on things. Knowing full well, too, that I also need to get some intake for once... So that will be a balancing act.

To... maybe not bed, now, but soon. To something else. To other adventures. I'm still smiling, remembering birthday hangout again - it really was sweet. I'm glad to carry some good things with me on the way forward. Not that there aren't usually any, but more it's good to have particular ones. Specific ones. Ones that you carry with you, like little coals wrapped in a pouch of grass, to start the fire with when night falls again. You treasure those.

[twilight-resonance]

A Field of Black Thread

Writing again tonight, as promised. By all rights I ought to be reading, or doing at least something that's not more producing; but I don't feel much like reading right now. And I wanted to write. So here we are.

Planning was slow again tonight. Again, it feels like that creative burnout, being out of juice thing. I can accept that, knowing what it is and how to fix it. But it does mean that the planning is slower, and it does mean there's less done overall. But that's okay. We do what we can.

I also ought to ramble about what's been going on lately, because I'd like to remember - weekend trips, and birthday adventures, and the like. That's... not quite where I'm at tonight though. I'm not sure where I am tonight. Tired, mostly, and a little lost. So I think I'd rather follow that thread, particularly for want of not wanting to tax my making any more than it already is.

When we were unloading earlier - or maybe a little before - I got to thinking about duties. One of ArtKestral's characters ended up with an ability to sort of see or sense a person's duties and their relationship to them, and it was always an interesting challenge to spot-evaluate that and describe it. What the threads of duty and ties that bind look like when they are thick and sturdy or unyielding; thin and gossamer and graceful; tightly-bound or strung, loose and floating, bundled together and tindy or a messy web. All those sorts of things.

I got to thinking today about what mine must look like. I think my duties must look stretched - the way that a length of string that's been pulled, and pulled, and pulled eventually goes thin and loses all its stretch and bounce and mostly just sits there limp. They're not gone, or severed - just stretched by time and promise after promise after promise. A whole field of them, radiating out from the center. Some snapped and fraying, and sometimes tangling in their split strands on other duties; but mostly still there, and stretched beyond recognition. I feel as if I tax my duties a lot, and ask a lot of them - to wait, to hold on, just another week or month or year while I try to straighten the rest out. To the point that many become moot, and as far as others are concerned I might as well have broken them. But I remember them. There's a reason that the joke is that I respond to things in x-to-y business years.

They're heavy. The weight of them is heavy, not in the way of the sky on your shoulders but of the mud up to your knees; and the way they're stretched thin and tired is exhausting. Would that I could figure out how not to continually take on more than I can give... Something about spending some time resolving old ones without taking new, but it's always simpler to say than it is to do.

Anyway. Those were thoughts. They don't go anywhere (other than the thousand places each of those duties stretch...), but I did think them. Was feeling a bit heavy, afterwards - mostly feeling bad about yet more strands I've left untended and people disappointed. Such it goes. We sort through and move on, gathering them in one hand, and hope to get to them someday and not let go.

What else. Still dealing with other complicated, messy feelings. They've quieted down somewhat, but it's become a lot in terms of constancy rather than intensity. Such it goes. I've only had maybe one more dream, and even then I'm not sure - I haven't been as on dream journaling the last couple years, and I'm largely out of the habit of remembering. There's a certain comfortableness in the waking walk of it, though, that's settling in. Maybe at least thats okay. Maybe that will at least not break things.

Where else do thoughts and threads wander. Been doing some more processing of not really being in a shape the world is made for recently. In more of a quiet, constant background way that wells up here and there as it's called or bidden; but very much still present. Part of why Moonrise Kingdom resonated so deeply I suspect. Particularly as I've been navigating the world that the commission lives in - a much more normal world by far than most I've walked in during my life - the more I realize that I'm just not cut out for it. Or it cut out for me. There are too many pieces that don't fit to the point of pain, that generate constant wearing friction like a vehicle in the wrong gear, or are several spans to wide to bridge or broach. On the one hand, I've been fortunate to have been able to mostly live and exist in spaces that are at least somewhat more accommodating to my shape than that; on the other, even so, life has still been a lot of suffering and feeling like there is nowhere I belong. It gives me some perspective on what life could have been, had I not at least had those spaces - homeschooling, park days, LARP, and the rest. I don't know that I would have survived. It was close enough as it was.

What kills me most is the way that people look at you as if you're... Something vaguely revolting. Like mud, or garbage someone left behind, or whatever else. It's not that they do, quiet - people are still at least outwardly polite, because those are the rules of the whole song and dance - but there's the way you feel it. I feel like I stick out in all the wrong ways and fall short in all the rest, and that no matter how I try to fit I'm just not the right shape for that world. The frustrating part being the assumption that that world and way of being is inherently correct, and that being something else means you're fucking it up - when we're all just trying to deal with being alive, man, and that being a strange and weird and complicated thing. There's no one right way to do it. And yet.

I was sort of wondering, on the drive down earlier, how much of my tiredness and being out of creative juice this week has to do with having big feelings that I'm completely blind to. I think I felt the shadow of them, just briefly, on the drive... But I still can't feel them, nor tell what they are and why. Just that, they seem to be there. And they're not all that's there - there are other reasons for these things too - but that they're one of a few contributing sources. Was hoping rambling tonight might settle them some.

I suppose I ought to go to sleep now - I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, and there's still more work yet to do tomorrow. Another night, for the other adventures - hopefully when I'm more cogent.

[twilight-resonance]

Charcoal

Writing just briefly, because I really want to. I don’t know why I’ve been so tired the last couple nights - I’ve been by and large useless by 11PM, which is very unusual for me. Not in a can’t-work way either, but also in a can’t-read can’t-play-games can’t-write kind of way. Tonight I just laid in bed and listened to music in that half-awake state for an hour or so, and that was kind of nice. Just wish I’d been able to do more. Like journal. Or just something fun.

I figure it’s burnout, or something adjacent. We’ve definitely hit the point in the year where planning drags really hard and I just don’t have any juice left to work. Takes three or four times as long to get a given thing done, and fewer things done overall, and none of them as well as I’d like. That’s okay - what I still roll out is okay - I just wish I could do, like, other things. Fun things, like I said - writing, reading, etc. I suppose what actually needs to happen is I need to focus on finding a lot of input for a little while. Books, movies, music, experiences, etc. Other ways to rest and make new connections in my brain and all of that.

Watched a new movie the other day, and that was good - both in a brain-sense, and also the movie itself was just good. The movie was Moonrise Kingdom by Wes Anderson - it would seem that I enjoy his filmmaking style in general. I really liked Grand Budapest Hotel as well - although all told, this one really spoke to me in ways the other didn’t. I almost cried, at the end - something about the adult who doesn’t really fit into the shape of the world holding on for the kids that don’t fit into it either, and like the metaphor’s not like subtle in my particular context or anything but it did hit harder than I was anticipating. And anyway, it was good besides. Wes Anderson definitely has some fascinating takes on power structures and the rules that society operates by, which is probably (definitely) part of what appeals to me about his work.

That’s all for now I think - I am still tired, and as much as I want to write I am also very stupid and want to sleep. I’m going to try to write again tomorrow night, because I really want to. Goodnight.

[twilight-resonance]

Rhetorical Question

Processing from the last few days. Nothing big, just the usual state of having big feelings about everything regardless of how mundane. Just figure it'll help. Justifying myself there more than I ought or need to (there's something to that - justifying and "just" ifying - ); feeling a certain kind of self-consciously down from trying to sort out travel plans for this weekend, but that's its own thing. The rest has been good.

Got to stay up til 4AM talking to a friend last night. I never get to do that anymore - those long, late-night conversations that sort of just range and ramble and touch on things a shade deeper than the sunlight usually allows. Partly it's that I don't get to hang out with my friends at 4AM anymore; partly it's that I don't have friends close enough to be that familiar with even if I did. Save a couple. It healing, somewhere in there - not necessarily anything that was talked about, just the process of doing and sharing and listening. Just the act of being familiar, and vulnerable, and comfortable.

Made it hard to do work today, of course; but it was well worth it. The last couple of days of working have been nice. It's nice to have a colleague, such as it is. Someone who can operate on a comparable level with a similar degree of perspective, with the competency in the breadth of skills. We got most of the work done yesterday, and it was mostly detailing and finishing touches today. Still more left to do - we were both toast after the late night - but it's all in a reasonable state for after spring break.

Also: we have a real guest bed now! I've wanted to have one since we moved in a literal decade ago, and it's taken til now to get it done. The reason we now have a guest bed being that we finally built our new bed over the last couple days, nearly three years after the wedding... So additionally, now we have a bed that's bigger than a twin. Was nice sleeping with more room last night for all handful of hours I ended up in it, and I'm looking forward to giving it another sleep tonight. It seemed fairly comfortable, and I feel like I slept well. Which is good.

Gave myself some gnarly blisters building it though. Our tiny ratchet screwdriver wasn't quite up to the job, and I got most of the bolts most of the way in, but I absolutely shredded my hands in the process. Right hand was wrapped up in bandaids all day yesterday, I'm probably going to have to wrap them back up for work tomorrow because some of them are torn open and we don't want dirt getting in there. LARP is filthy enough as it is. I always stand in horror of the dark grey of the water when I finally get to wash my hands after LARP... bleugh.

What else from the last few days? I meant to journal after adult league... The day itself was decent, no notes - I sort of wish there were more notes, it feels like when I've talked to Hearthsnail on the way back from AL events this season there's been almost nothing to talk about - mostly just those dream echoes. I said that when the dream says otherwise, you trust the dream... Had some things echo in and back that up. Alas. All was well, though. Just... it's wild, what you can discern with one or two moments if you know where to look and how to recognize what you're seeing. Anyway, the dreams continue in waking, by which it means we shall continue to seek to extinguish them. I don't need that dishonor on my spirit.

In swapping over my music just now, I am reminded of a quote from the last couple days: "Love is a rhetorical question." Said, mind you, during a string of nonsense and escalating jest; and said, mind you, not by me, so I can't take whatever credit there is to take for it. But I actually rather like it. There's something in there that touches true.

The rest of the last few days have been fairly mundane. Building the bed, as I outlined already - which was actually quite simple, other that needing a tool that we didn't have and having to wait til hardware stores opened the next day. Buying bedding, also, since we needed things that would fit the new bed. Doctor's appointment, routine and unnotable; some light leaning up here and there; and, I don't know, I suppose that's about it. Hearthsnail had the Monday-Tuesday open because of a weird hiccup of his schedule at work, which is why we decided to take the time to build the bed. It's always nice having that time after AL, because we get back late and him being able to sleep in is nice.

I'm so stoked for April's event, though. So many turnings of wheels within wheels, and so many machinations ready to manifest. We'll see how it goes.

There was one last thing that occurred to me to ramble on, but I can no longer remember what it was. Ought to head to bed anyway - I wanted to finish drinking my tea first, but that's clearly going to take a while and it's already almost 3AM. Got to dial my sleep schedule back at some point. Will hopefully have more adventures to speak of after the upcoming few days, week, however long it takes me to have time to write again.

[twilight-resonance]

Turn Down the Static

Good gods, if it's going to be this hot and busy it could at least be campouts. It's March, for gods' sake. Run the last few events in ~30C weather, and the kids have on the whole been champs about it but gods damn.

On the other hand, every year there's a moment - usually once the weather first warms up and spring really hits - that I get the campout itch. Something about the warmth, and the longer sunlight, and the way that everything gets bright green and smells of warm plants... It's just a little earlier than usual this year, is all. It normally hits more like April. More often than not it's an energizing thing and puts a little zest back into my regular planning... So I suppose I ought to go looking for that. Anyway. (Is this going to be another "anyway" post?)

In all fairness, we did actually go camping - the straight from camping to a 12-hour turnaround before a long, hot day of LARP felt exactly the way it does in the summer. That particular kind of tired is nice - it just takes so damn much to quiet my brain down, and that kind of deeper stripped-feeling tired is a good one. Camping was really nice. Cold - we managed to accidentally time it just as the rest of the outside world was in the midst of a heat wave, so the cold was nice even if it did seep into your bones a bit. We hung out, and we played board games, and various friends came and went throughout the week. Another friend of ours, in an incredible moment of coincidence, happened to book the campsite adjacent to us for the last couple days, so we got to hang out with her too and that was wonderful. In general, being able to spend the time just hanging out instead of working the whole time was a godsend. We need to do more camping trips like that - I should make a point of planning at least one of them a year. That, and maybe one to go on by myself to help other parts of my brain.

For real though. I forget how much going camping turns down all the static in my brain. There are other places I hear people describe the same kind of static coming from - gender dysmorphia is a big one - and I don't really have a good sense of where mine comes from, I just know that in the couple weeks following a camping trip it feels like I can think clearer and like I fit inside myself more easily and with less drag. Generally, I'm sure it's just that I don't match any shape the world has for me, and the discordance between that and that which I am; I just wish I knew, like... more specifically. I feel like that camping helps should be a clue, but it could still be too many things.

Anyway. Like I said, we went camping and that was lovely; and then it was several hot days of work. First the usual school league, featuring some particularly fucked up story beats that they fell for hook-line-and-sinker; afterwards we went to get boba and recover from the heat, and it was nice just hanging out and talking with a friend for a few hours even if I ended up back home stupid late. Saturday was mostly prep; Sunday was a playtest event for one of my players, which I was - thank gods - not running, but which was still hot and outside; and then yesterday, a bonus event for that same school league because the school had a PD day and parents thought it would be fun if the kids could spent their free day LARPing. Which gave me a chance to make good on followup to those big story beats, and now they're back in their own world which will make the rest of our planning much easier. It was such a huge sidetrack, and they got to see and do some neat things, and it's crazy that they made it back on track so seamlessly. Like, we barely have to adjust any of our planning. Truly incredible.

Sunday was nice. I always forget just how much easier it is to play than it is to GM. Even with juggling a new rule system - no small feat these days, with the geographic strata of decades of rules changes and the well-worn muscle memory - there was so much less to keep track of. I enjoyed the new system a lot; lots of changes made for good reasons, and they all fit together and worked together well as one very clean, smooth engine. They were also well-taught, which helps a lot with them feeling smooth. I can take a quiet pride in that one, because this is one of my former junior league crop and I know that I'm the one who taught them how to teach like that. Still awe-inspiring to see these guys grow into themselves and see what kinds of people the turn out to be.

Side note completely out of tone with the rest, the pine trees at the park had also made big pine cones with these big pine nuts in them; and I squirreled them out and broke them open and tried them. The smart way, mind you - testing them on my lip and waiting, then chewing them up and spitting them out and waiting, and then I just ate a bunch of them. I feel like pine nuts are one of those things that's generally okay across the board, but I couldn't identify the species of pine so I wanted to make sure. Anyway, foraging wild food at the park. Sunglasses, thumbs up. They were big, too - way bigger than the ones you get at the grocery store - and, notably, free! Good flavor; about the same as normal pine nuts, with just a touch more of the sharp pine sap flavor to them. I wish pine nuts were less expensive... I would eat them all the damn time if I could.

Back on track. I'm resting today, or at least trying to. Rather, trying to juggling the urge to rest with the urge to work, because I need both but the two pull directly against one another. I'm journaling now because I've been meaning to since we got back from camping; I might try to do like half an hour of work on each league, because it'll save me hours later; I'm trying to stop myself from just going and playing games, because it's empty mental calories and not particularly fulfilling, just easy; and we'll see what else. I do need to rest. I figure we'll play more Spirit Island tonight, and maybe watch something, and that'll be nice; it's just a question of what to do in the meantime. We were up until 1:30AM last night playing Spirit Island with the same crew that's been coming over on Mondays, and that was nice to come home to after a long day of work. We know some good people. It's been really fun hanging out with folks on the weekly.

Did I mention that I did end up watching The Passion of Christ? A couple weeks ago, sometime the week before we went camping. My therapist does indeed seem to have recommended it for the reasons I thought she did. Which is to say, finding some person or figure or other entity that I can find some mirroring in or recognize myself in. Should that figure be Jesus Christ of all entities? Does that say sane things about me, given that's one of the classic delusions people get? Probably not and probably not, but here we are. Sigh.

Had a second one of those dreams. Almost didn't remember it, until I started unravelling the rest of the dream. It's an interesting process, separating the grain from the chaff as far as what parts of a dream are meaningful or not; because in any given dream, there's a lot of meaningless noise that is just your brain processing and doing its thing. But there are also connections that get made and things you learn during that process - that's the whole point of it - and identifying which parts are which is always interesting. Once again, this one was quite direct with what it was. Spoken conversation and all, much less the rest of it. Sigh. Kill me? Put me out of my and everyone else's misery?

It's one of those things, too, where like. You're trying to evaluate and juggle and tread lightly on things in real life, and you sort of come to one conclusion, and then the dream presents the opposite. The thing is, in those situations - with the amount of practice I've had, mind you, not for everyone - you trust the dream. Which means you have to reevaluate the rest of the pieces, and look for what you've missed. Or misunderstood. Mind you too, the dream does not present the more convenient or reasonable option. But it does speak true.

One of the the things that gets me is dreams that are apologies. I don't know how many other people have dreams in that genre. Every once in a while - in a long blue moon, years apart - when I have been navigating an emotionally thorny situation for a while, there comes a dream that is an apology. I had one many years ago - one of the few poems I've been able to write - that was someone else apologizing to me. Tonight, I was the one apologizing. Different situations, different people involved. The apology dream isn't... It doesn't resolve anything, or provide any closure, but it does help. In its own way. Processing, probably, among other things. It's sort of like... the shadow cast by a world that could still be. The possibility for that other world, and a reminder to keep on going and someday you might make it there. It help that world to feel more possible.

Those dreams stick with you. I don't know what else to say here; other than that this dream, too, will be wrapped up and carried with me into the long road of time. Maybe quieter - especially once the moment passes - but it will still be there.

That's about where I'm at, all in all. I'm all right. Not great, but okay. Threading that narrow, twilight valley between highs and lows. I wish I could be tired more often - that deeper kind of tired, where peace is actually found - so I'll take it while I'm here. Farewell, for now; I'm going to go see about doing something with the rest of my days.

[twilight-resonance]

2013 Called and Said "Get In Loser, We're Piloting a Mech"

Had another one of those dreams last night. This one, just a fragment in a wash of otherwise nonsense; nonetheless, sometimes honesty is like a jolt of electricity. Sigh. I don't want to talk about it. I mean, I want to talk about it; but I absolutely, no way, in no way shape or form, am going to allow it anywhere outside my head. Good gods.

The worst part is coming back to it all day as a moment of comfort. The other dream at least was halfway reasonable, even if I still don't completely understand it; this one is just, like. Humiliating. Dishonorable? Maybe dishonorable is a more accurate word, hilariously. Disgraceful. Something like that. I would love to get over this, like any time now. Process and be done with it, please and thank you? If only.

(Assembled a playlist about it, thinking wishfully it'll help exorcise it. Echoing endless, if only.)

Anyway. A collected assortment of things going on, for the sake of recording them. Went on a 10-mile hike with Sunchild the other day, saw lots of elk. That was excellent. Got another possible work prospect for the upcoming school year, although if it comes to pass it'll take some wrangling to try to get it into a shape that works for everyone. Wrote the emails that have been haunting me for days, and it was only a little worse than picking glass from my skin. Still waiting back to hear about a thing, beginning to assume I won't. Harp is still out for repair, and I'm looking forward to it coming back. Also looking forward to camping at one of our old haunts this upcoming week - that'll be fun. Haven't done nearly any planning about, like, food, so that's gonna be a snag, but we'll figure it out. Worst-come, town is like five minutes away. Looking forward to board games and camping and woods and fire and friends - and, notably, not a LARP campout for once.

What else? Oh - found a cute place nearby (well, "nearby") that does high tea and went with Hearthsnail the other day. Lots of delicious tea and cute pastries and such, thinking about taking some of our friends to go do it too sometime soon. D&D - running it - the other night was good, I finally got to pull out my southern accent and it was fun. Also had another session of the one Hearthsnail is running the other night, and I'm still smug about a moment of brilliance on my part. Well, brilliance and making a fairly substantial bet. Which I won. So there.

All in all, working in lots of little and big adventures where we can. My brain's still not working as much as I'd like it to despite it; hoping I can dig to the foundation of it at some point soon, or that things grinding back into gear is just on a delay or something. Or maybe I just need to do even more. I hope it's not that one. Did I mention that I hate how much work my brain is? Only, oh, probably a hundred times already. I know, I know. It's just, like. I have to live with it, you know? Like, all the time?

That was brain quirks from earlier - today was the process of, very gradually and gently, working myself through writing those emails that have been haunting me. Three emails and three or four hours, don't do that math. Anyway, a large part of that sort of process is doing something very rote and familiar to focus a chunk of my brain - today it was Catan and playing with the human slop chatbox - so that sufficient amounts of my brain are distracted and not thinking about how much it doesn't want to do the thing. Sometimes I combine it with other things - today it was incense, to help me calm down - and oftentimes that's music.

Today, though, it was a sort of.... you know when a song gets stuck in your head, and it's really loud? Either because you don't have enough going on and your brain is compensating, or because it's trying to block out another thought (or, you know both)? Normally when that's going on, I play real music to decouple that from my brain. Could tell that listening to any music today was going to make me more scattered, though, so I couldn't actually listen to any - so I just. Listened to the music in my brain? It was kind of annoying the way that listening to classical music is annoying*, but my brain was playing in a reasonable amount of depth and with enough variety in songs - seriously as if it were a playlist - that it just... sort of felt like listening to music without the actual audio input, so I was like, whatever. Sure. We'll listen to the brain music. I don't normally, like. Actively listen to the songs stuck in my head. But apparently that's where we were at today. What the fuck, man.

*Listening to classical music is annoying because for whatever gods-forsaken reason I hear all of the instruments playing as separate tracks**, simultaneously. It's neat, but it's annoying. Sometimes you just want to listen to the gestalt of something, you know? **I would also like to point out that classical music often has a lot of instruments. Just for, you know, consideration of what that sounds and feels like and why it's annoying.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to angsting now. I wanted to cut it for at least a bit with something that's a bit lighter, but really I'm mostly here to angst, so. Back to that.

You know when Pacific Rim was new and tumblr was super on, like. The concept of drift compatibility for a year or two? Partly because tumblr loves a good platonic bond with some of the overtones of familial or romantic closeness, partly because it's just like that. Anyway, I never watched Pacific Rim, but I certainly got familiar with the concept by proxy. It's something along those lines. It's that degree of ability to coordinate with fluidity, and it to feel so second-nature and comfortable. Feels like a need that I have, to have that kind of connection with someone - not sure if that's something everyone needs or just a me thing, but suffice to say it's extraordinarily hard to find. Had that capability once with someone, things broke, disaster followed, found it again elsewhere.

We all know I have trust issues, yeah? That one's no secret and very readily apparent? That kind of trust makes my brain go haywire. It doesn't know what to do with it, so it grasps out in like six different directions at once and thus we have angst. To say nothing of being comfortable with it; being genuinely and unselfconsciously comfortable with another person is. Like a moderately-sized miracle, and also not something I know how to handle in any sane way. Worse still is the things i consequently want from that trust and comfort that are just like. There are lines. Like I said, dishonor and disgrace, or whatever. So I'm just sitting here, going crazy to myself and having dreams that are extraordinarily direct, and like. What do I even do with this absolute mess of a nervous system. Just a godsawful tangle of thread and string.

It's an echo too of the living life having to translate myself three or four times over. When I write or speak in a formal mode, I sound like a character out of an Austen novel; but that's not how you're supposed to talk, so I have to filter that out; and then filter it again; and this is part of why I just don't talk. By the time I've gone through enough layers of filtering that I sound like a real human person, the conversation has moved on. So I'm sitting here with the above tangle of string and thread, and sometimes there are moments when I remember it's there and have to subsequently puppet myself through the rest of the interaction because the layers of filtering just take me directly out of myself while I try to manage the what the actual fuck of it all. This is probably making no sense, but I'm just kind of throwing spaghetti at the wall here and hoping that I find some peace. Sometimes it works, y'know? Not with this so far, but you know. Something about repeating things and insanity. Maybe it'll work if I try it enough times.

Anyway - for like the fourth or fifth anyway this post, minimum, as I desperately try to pivot like a sprinkler in a shining example of everything I talked about above - I should really be planning a birthday right now, not angsting over all this.

(It's the same sentiment, echoed in nearly the same words, at the same time, spoken but unspoken; that's part of what I mean when I chose drifting, silly as it is. Sigh. Sentiment entrenched, footworn and faithful...)

[twilight-resonance]

Skinning

Going through feelings tonight. Some kind of sad and raging despair. I'm glad, though, because it's feeling something at all besides just... static. Still don't know what any of it's about, but at least it's there.

Some of it's about people. There's a few crosshairs, crossed threads, crossroads... the feelings must be somewhere in the midst of those crossings. Something about people you care about, about people you trust, about people you keep at arm's length or further; about people who have walked the same paths as you; about people who used to have the same bad habits you had, and wondering how they're faring; about people who were gone for a long time, then came back; about people with complicated feelings about you, about people you've rejected, about people who think they know you better than they do; about wanting to be seen, and wanting to bare your soul, knowing better; about being seen by others without having asked to be so, and about manipulation, and the flow of give and take; about people you've walked in parallel with for years, never speaking; about wanting to reach out to touch, and never quite having the nerve to do so. Some of these are the same person, some different people, some more than one person at a time.

I walked away to find my name You stayed, held your ground Different roads, same direction Parallel lines, yours and mine -- "Parallel Lines" - All We Hold

That's not all of it, that's just what's on my mind right now.

Sometimes you just want to fall on your knees in front of someone and ask what you did to deserve the path you're walking. Not because they did something, but because they've walked the same ones and have asked themselves the same questions and will understand. I was wondering it, today, on my drive down - what I've done to deserve the constant wear of living in a world that wasn't meant for me. I know the answer is nothing - these things just happen - but sometimes it would be easier if there were an answer. Or a reason. If it at least meant something. Which is how religion happens, I suppose, or at least one way. Or you can take Hearthsnail's approach, which makes us meaning-makers - but that means that I have to decide. Which I suppose is part of what this - this writing, and rambling - is all about, in the end.

Sometimes you want to fall on your knees in front of someone and ask. Do you ever get sleep? Do you still do those things? Do the feelings still haunt you? Do you drink? How are we different, you and I, and where are we the same? It's give, and it's take - you want to know, and you want to be known. Sometimes you want the late-night conversations - the ones held in half-shadow and flickering firelight - that are skinned raw and leave you full of regret in the morning. I no longer have conversations in that kind of darkness, mostly due to the regret. Sometimes I wish I still did.

Tie a string around your waist Keep it there until it breaks Lover, you are not alone And something in your body knows -- "Tie A String" - Reuben Bullock

I've said often enough, the last years, that there are a number of feelings that I never figured out how to deal with - I just grew larger around them, until I could contain them. Grief, and love, and rage, and bitterness, and pain. Sometimes I wonder if, rather than growing larger, I simply grew callouses. Like an oyster with a pearl. Sometimes it feels like I'm one big ball of callous and scar tissue, because there are so many things I barely feel anymore. Maybe it's just that I was once a teenager, and am no longer. But something tells me maybe not so. That's part of why I'm savoring this, whatever this is. Because at least I'm feeling something, at least a little. I miss it.

I miss writing poetry. More so than prose, there are so many things I wish I could express that would be best done in poem. Prose, I wish too - but especially, I miss poetry. Art has been a good outlet in lieu of it, but it's not the same.

I miss caring. I miss caring enough to do better. Most of the time, I don't care anymore. I could go for a hike, but I don't. I could paint, but I don't. I could take drum lessons, but I don't. Would it be better for me? Yes, unquestionably, absolutely; but somewhere deep in there, I just don't care. Do you see why I miss feeling? Because caring is feeling too. Maybe that's what's got me wrapped up so about people. Because at least there are little sparks of caring somewhere in all that. Maybe not. I don't know. I'm just here, in the half-light, writing and hoping that if I skin myself deep enough I'll find flesh and blood. If not now, then someday.

[twilight-resonance]

Inheritance

Got to musing today, thinking about my family. My great uncle died recently - not someone I knew well, but most of my interactions with him were positive despite other problems - and my aunt and uncle and mother are going through the process of going through his house. No small task; he was very much a hoarder, so it's going to be... a process. It got me to thinking.

When I wash dishes, I wash them twice - once by hand to make sure, and once in the dishwasher. This, along with having separate sponges for separate kitchen tasks, is something inherited from my mother. Growing up, the dishwasher her family had didn't work particularly well; she and my uncle have both told stories of "clean" dishes that still had food stuck to them - and so, growing up, I learned to be fussy about dishes. Both my mother and my uncle do this - but the rabbit hole goes deeper.

My mother and uncle are both neat freaks in a lot of ways, to the point where I've wondered sometimes if it's in part compulsive - particularly on my uncle's part. Whether it is or not, I get the sense that both of them also inherited some of this from my grandmother - their mother. I don't have a sense from growing up whether my grandmother was particularly neat versus particularly messy; their house was always very tidy when I was there, but those were always special occasions and it's hard to judge. Either way, that grandmother is the sister of the great uncle mentioned above.

Their mother - my great grandmother - came over through Ellis Island from Hungary in the early 20th century. She cannot possibly have had much to work with, and I know very little about my great-grandfather but the timeline seems likely to be the same. The point being, my grandmother and great uncle probably grew up fairly poor. I wonder how many of my family's neuroses about cleaning - and particularly about things - come from that. My great uncle held onto things; my mother was always looking to get rid of things. I am immaterialistic to an actual fault, and I wash the dishes twice, and I'm sure there are a few other quirks besides. I wonder how many of the echoes of my own oddities - those and others - come from that legacy, and from the still-echoing generational inheritance of poverty and what marks that leaves on a person.

Make no mistake - I grew up solidly middle class. My family struggled here and there while I was growing up - probably more than I was aware of - but it was always comfortable. There was always electricity, and hot water, and food in the fridge. I've been poor - that stretch in my late teens and early twenties was rough, but that's to be expected for striking out on your own the way I did - but it's not something I grew up with. Even now, I'm better-off than my family ever was then, mostly on account of not having kids. My mother and her siblings I get the sense grew up okay - maybe less well-off than my own nuclear family was, but not in poverty. My dad grew up very poor, and that still shows in other marks on him; and I get the sense there's been a fair amount of poverty on that side of the family in general, and has been for a long time.

The point being: and yet. Some of the echoes of these experiences are inherited. I still wash the dishes twice, and I still save cardboard boxes the way my dad does, and more. It makes me wonder how many other echoes of the lived experiences of my ancestors still live on in me. How many turns of phrase or quirks of language; or ways of introducing myself, or getting to know others; or preferences for certain aesthetics or seasonings; are inherited from those long ago? If I traveled to the town in Hungary my great-grandmother was from, would I recognize the distant roots of some strange quirk of my own behavior reflected back at me?

It's hard to know, and hard to say. Some things certainly leave deeper marks than others - poverty is one of those that is known for it in particular, and for its power to ripple throughout lifetimes and subsequently generations. There are plenty of studies with points to that. But I wonder what else has left its marks alongside it.

Anyway, that was those musings. As far as the great uncle goes, this is the one I learned woodcarving from; I have a set of tools he carved for me a long time ago. It's been a long time since I've made something with them - mostly for want of wood good for carving. Most of my memories have to do with woodcarving, or with the funeral of his wife many years ago. Other things are passed down like that - are taught deliberately. That's a kind of inheritance too.

Things to think about. Glad I got some writing in; more I suspect is coming.