Admittedly I lost track of this blog, but I have not forgotten about it.
Twin Terrors has been a stepping stone for me, and it will continue to be just that. The project is not meant to be very cohesive, but instead has been an outlet for me to expand on songwriting and production. This is why I don't plan to play live shows under this name. Having said that, I do plan to start a new project when the time is right. The songs released under the new project will be much more cohesive and I imagine live shows will follow.
Up until late last year, I had never personally been much of a songwriter or producer, nor had I been the most confident musician to be perfectly honest. During my days in Phantom Planet, much of my time was spent second-guessing myself and feeling like a pawn. I didn't know who I was or what I was trying to accomplish. Everything happened so fast when we started, and I was essentially thrown into a world I never thought I'd ever be a part of. When the band first started playing music together, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I knew some basic chords and the G Major scale, specifically. That's it. I had no musical training at all aside from a year or two of guitar lessons prior to the band's formation in 1994.
In 2008 Phantom Planet went on an indefinite hiatus, partly because Sam and his lovely wife had a (beautiful) baby girl, and partly because we had just been going non-stop for so long and we all needed a break. It was maybe a month or two later that I found myself confronted by Adam Levin (not to be mistaken by Adam Levine), who was the manager for Minature Tigers. He essentially told me that I was requested to play guitar for them (they were good friends of mine already) and gave me less than one day to make a decision. I thought it over and decided at the end of the day to do it. Soon after, I found myself rehearsing with them in Arizona, where Charlie Brand lived. Up until this point I realized I had never felt truly appreciated (and I didn't feel I deserved to feel that way), nor did I realize I actually knew a lot more about music than I was aware of. During our rehearsals, the Mini T's were invited to open for Ben Folds on tour. The timing was incredible.
My time with Miniature Tigers wasn't easy though. I wasn't certain I wanted to be in another band or on the road at all anymore. I was in a negative frame of mind overall, and had gone through an awful break up with a girl I had known many years and adored. I ended up staying with them for about three, maybe four months as an unpaid hired gun, simply because I loved and believed in their music.
Eventually the Mini T's got offered another tour, this time with Lenka. It was during this tour that I met and bonded with John Graney of "The Californian". He was the guitarist (hired gun) for Lenka, and he told me about his own project that he planned to get going when tour was through. We realized we had a few mutual friends and that we also lived quite close to each other. He told me bluntly, "when we get back, you're going to be in my band." I smiled and thought to myself, as much as I loved John, "No chance". Not because I didn't think John's band would be good - but instead because I wanted some extended downtime to mull things over and figure out who I was and where I was heading.
Eventually tour ended, and not too long after I got home John called me and invited me over for homemade pizza. Little did I know, he was (still is) one motherfucker of a cook. Like - unbelievably talented in the kitchen. His wife too. I really couldn't believe it. John also played me a few demos he had recorded quickly, and they also blew my mind. John was (again, still is) the real deal, all around. So of course I decided to join the band and challenge myself with having to learn how to play surf style guitar. I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, but it was a fun experience. We played plenty of live shows and eventually got offered to open for She Wants Revenge on tour. We were incredibly well-received by their audiences, especially for an entirely unheard of surf band.
Around the end of January of last year, John asked me to have sushi with him. He knew I was in a dark place emotionally and asked me to leave the band as a result. He was nervously shaking when he asked me, but we both knew I really needed the push. He made it clear he wasn't "kicking me out" - but that he wanted me to leave to figure out what I wanted to do and how to be happy. I told him right there I understood and loved him as my friend, and that I knew it was the right thing to do for myself. (We're still good friends, for the record.)
I found myself breaking up with my ex of three years around the same time that I left The Californian. I was miserable, confused, scared, uncertain - you name it. I didn't know what to do. How the hell was I supposed to give the kind of love I know I am capable of to someone else, when I absolutely hated myself? I was so judgmental of others for so long, and it hit me - I was projecting my own insecurities onto other people. The only problem was me. I needed to fix that if I was planning to thrive.
In August of last year, I kept hearing this drumbeat in my head. I'd go into my kitchen and tap it out, without realizing what I was doing. It simply wouldn't leave my head. So finally, after all the touring, all the bands, all the flirting and heartbreaks and depression and anxiety, I decided to try to turn this beat into a recorded song which I called "Epiphony" (spelled with an "o" instead of an "a" by accident, though I think I'd have spelled it that way had I thought about it longer - because it made more sense that way. I had an epiphany, musically speaking. And on top of that, Alex G. had been describing a similar experience he had - one that changed him for the better. It all came together. Alex put some vocals and live drums on the track, as well as some programming, and the track really came together.
Slowly my confidence began to rise. I can write music. I can write lyrics. I can produce my own stuff. I am talented afterall. So what if I'm not the most talented kid around? I know I can't write lyrics like Bob Dylan or play guitar like Blake Mills, but rather than dwelling on these things, I've come to terms with them. I've allowed myself to grow and take chances, rather than beat myself up any longer.
