Two Church Town

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[twochurchtown]

We have often complained of how unaffordable buying a home in our small town has become. But just last year a house sold for just $26,000. It has a solid foundation and a good roof. The house is two stories tall with enough rooms and bathrooms to accommodate a family of five. There is decent acreage with trees blocking the view of any neighboring houses. So why was it sold so cheaply? Well the big catch is that there was an extensive chemical spill on the property and the government is requiring the owners to pay for the cleanup. Abatement costs are projected to be around $300,000. Thus the previous owners were quite eager to sell the house and property in order to avoid being responsible for clean up. The family who sold it had all moved into different homes over a decade ago after the patriarch died of cancer. The new owners haven’t seemed to have done any clean up yet and the home still stands vacant. As the property is on a hill one must wonder if those who live downhill should have their well water tested.

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Trash pick up only happens on a select few roads near the center of town. Most people have to get an annual dump pass and drive their own trash to the dump. The road that leads to the dump has the most litter because trash flies out of the backs of open truck beds. At the dump people dump their own trash and recycling over a ledge into large receptacles. We also have a little shed there called trash to treasures. People can put stuff they don’t want anymore that is still good in the shed and when other people come to the dump they check out what’s in trash to treasures and take whatever they want.

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The current Select people in the Town Office are paranoid of litigation to the point of being excessively bureaucratic. We even had a librarian resign because she had to file a bunch of paperwork and get town office approval just to buy basic supplies. While townspeople grumble about the town's administration no viable alternatives have been found. Many people do not want the position of Head Select Person and all the stress it comes with. This last election cycle a man who had no history in town politics ran as an independent for the position of Head Select Person. He works at the town dump so the electorate could always ask him about his policies while doing their weekly dump run. Many did not take his bid for office as a serious alternative to the established administration. And some raised concerns about him being a bit illiterate. He lost the election and we are stuck with the same people in office that the electorate have been complaining about for years. 

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Some joke that around here the family tree is a wreath. Many families have been in town for several generations. Naturally these families intermarried. So one's aunt can also easily be their second cousin. But most people don’t marry direct relatives. We only know of one man who married his cousin. She was adopted so they are in no way blood related. Many people also marry out of towners which brings new blood to the gene pool. And of course old families die out or move away and new families move in. To be considered a true local one’s family has to have been in town for at least three generations. Though the really local families have roads, cemeteries, and buildings bearing their last name. 

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We have a parade once a year on memorial day. The parade starts at the school loops in an oval then finishes at the library. The parade is led by a regional marching band so you can hear it coming. Vintage cars carry aged veterans, the firemen and their families wave from their trucks, boyscouts and girlscouts march behind their banner, our weather predicting duck is pulled in a red wagon by children in top hats, locals drive their tractors decked out in flags and streamers. Back in the day people in the parade would throw little candies to the children watching. Unfortunately the town government has become dominated by people who are paranoid about liabilities so we can’t have parade candy anymore.  The tail end of the parade consists of children riding their bicycles that are decorated in red white and blue. Parents and other kids walk amongst them in patriotic attire. And people who were watching the parade join it as it makes its way down to the flagpole for ceremonies.

[twochurchtown]

Next to the Baptist Church is a half way home for men. It is a religious based program and addiction is the most common reason for enrollment. Each man housed there has to have people (usually family) pay for tuition/housing. They also fundraise by having a large tag sale every year, selling firewood, and collecting cans and bottles. Despite physical proximity to the Baptist Church the half way house men prefer to all attend the Congregational Church instead.

[twochurchtown]

Recently an elderly woman hit a cat at night in front of the school. A neighbor was called and used a shovel to move it out of the road. By morning it was gone. Likely the coyotes we've been hearing got to it. Thankfully no children saw it on the way to school in the morning.

[twochurchtown]

For decades there was a woodworker who had a workshop near the center of town. He specialized in carpentry for boats. And also made custom cabinets, cutting boards, and even wooden utensils. The woodworker was divorced and attended the Congregational Church. He would often catch passers by in a conversation. Such conversations were mostly one sided with the listener board left staring at his bulbous purple nose. The woodworker had to retire due to dementia and sold his shop. While cleaning out the woodshop the new owner found a grenade and had to call in the proper authorities to dispose of it. Thankfully the grenade was not live. Presumably the old woodworker had brought it back from the war as a souvenir and simply forgot where he had left it.

[twochurchtown]

The unofficial town crier is a grandmother whose family owned the mill in town. The mill burned down decades ago. Her family no longer has the influence of being a major employer in town. So she maintains her importance by knowing everyone’s business. She gets her information from talking to everyone she sees and also has her husband trained to collect gossip. Ultimately though her best source is the Congregational Church prayer request emails. 

Her only rival for unofficial town crier is a woman from the Baptist Church. Naturally this woman gets information from the Baptist Church prayer request emails. The Baptist gossip has the advantage of having married into a very large family. Currently four generations of her family live in town. She has relatives on almost every board and committee in town. Another avenue from which she gathers information is her daily walks around the loop near the center of town. A surprise amount can be gleaned from peering into lawns and windows.

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Despite the lack of sidewalks (other than that one 300 foot section) walking is a common activity in this town. The most popular walking route is often referred to as the loop. Common characters seen out for a walk include a woman with a white bob and tote bag of library books, a tall fellow who wears long johns under jean overalls and tops the look with a straw hat, plenty of women walking dogs, and two grandmas who are sisters in law and always have plenty to chit chat about.

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Those opposed to hoarding houses will be cheered to know that the house hoarder has been having difficulties with flipping his fifth house. The horse hair plaster walls have proven difficult to work with. And a nest of snakes was found in the living room ceiling.

[twochurchtown]

This town has two churches. Both of which are protestant and evangelical. The Baptist church is run by a pastor in his early 40s who came from the south and refers to people as “brother” or “sister” if he thinks that person has been washed in the blood of the lamb. People he does not refer to as “brother” or “sister” he thinks are going to hell. He has a wife with chronic illness. But her health has not stopped him from insisting on having several children. He thinks children are the purpose of marriage and has preached from the pulpit about this several times. More of his opinions can be heard on his podcast which he hosts with a parishioner. Both of these men are known to go on homophobic tirades. Under his leadership the Baptist Church has become more isolated with an in group out group attitude. The church no longer participates much in community events. Recently they held a spaghetti luncheon which was open to the public. But only Baptists attended. The Town's only food bank is located at the Baptist Church and is only open twice a month during standard working hours and for two or three hours each time. But there is a phone number in The Communicator that you can text if those times don’t work for you.

The Congregational Church is run by a pastor far past retirement age. He was in the military and then sales before he was called to ministry. His wife was a therapist and together they had two children. His wife has been looking particularly run down ever since their daughter and her four children moved in with them following her divorce. He has been saying the same prayers word for word and telling the same anecdotes for decades. He has been known to get overinvolved in drama amongst parishioners to the detriment of everyone. His need to be liked can lead to him telling each person what he thinks they want to hear, even when he contradicts himself or the facts. Under his leadership the Congregational Church is very involved in the community. They volunteer at the school, host events, and help with Rec events. Ever since the congregational church burned down (arson) services have been held at the school in the gym-a-caf-a-torium. And the church has an office next to the post office. A new Church building is under construction and is supposed to be finished this summer. 

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Multiple reposts have reached us of a furry spotted near the center of town. Do not be alarmed. It was simply an eccentric member of the recreation committee dressed up as the Easter Bunny for the Easter Egg Hunt.

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If you hear fireworks on a day other than The Fourth of July it is likely the death anniversary of the farmer's son who drove into a tree. He liked fireworks and cows. 

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There are two primary cemeteries; The Old Cemetery and The New Cemetery. The Old Cemetery is directly next to the road and has no parking. It is squared in by an old stonewall and a large tree stands in the center. The largest memorial in the Old Cemetery is only a few steps in from the iron gate. Legend has it his gravestone is so large because he didn’t like any of his descendants. So he willed that any money and assets he left behind would be used to purchase the largest gravestone possible. This hunk of stone was first transported by train then pulled by horses. The horses gave out just inside the gate of The Old Cemetery and the monument could be moved no further. The New Cemetery is much larger and next to the river. It has a stone wall only on the side next to the road. Parking for The New Cemetery is a dirt lot on the other side of the road. When a funeral takes place someone directs traffic so mourners can safely cross the road.

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One time a teenager riding a motorized bike collided with a farmer driving a manure truck in the center of town. Thankfully it was a low speed collision. The Teenager was less concerned about his injuries and more worried about the gun and weed he was carrying for a delivery. He begged the farmer to help him hide the contraband before law enforcement arrived on the scene. So the gun and drugs were hidden in the manure and the cops were none the wiser. No need to have that sort of thing on the permanent record.

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We all miss when we had a restaurant in the center of town. For about a decade there was a small cafe with six small square tables. They mostly served sandwiches, burgers, coffee, and baked goods. Kids liked to spend their money there on sodas, candy, and ice cream. One time a man came into the restaurant and selected a soda from the fridge. But when he went to the counter instead of paying for the soda he said he was there to rob the place. The owner who was manning the till simply refused to give him any money. The would-be thief left in defeat and the cops caught up to him later. (We have no in town law enforcement, so response times can be slow). Unfortunately our favorite (and only) restaurant closed during the pandemic. Years later it is still common for locals to reminisce on how much we loved this cafe and bemoan the loss.