The Invitation Will Always Be Open

Let's go to outer space together.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Banff, Alberta. Goodbye to this land I conclude has been created by aliens! And happy birthday, @ardentiafrost

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Hello, you

On your special day, while it will probably be a sad reminder for me forever, I still want to tell myself here after that it is dear to me. As much as I can say is already in your inbox but I dunno how much longer that will be around. Will Tumblr last beyond our lifetimes? One thing is for sure, the hope beyond this life is something I will look forward to.

Happy birthday, KB/AF. I’ll see you soon :)

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Social Anomalies

One day, I’ll understand better. For now, the triage is a huge vortex of questions. It exists, from my perspective, as a representation of all that is wrong socially, morally, and medically with this country.

Socially, because I see everyone on both sides of that table give up parts of selves that shouldn’t have to, in that very moment, but due to circumstances are an every day thing in the lives of patients and interns and residents.

Morally, to see values slammed out the door... it’s a choice, but a difficult one, even for the people I wouldn’t expect it from. I’m not disappointed, because I was caught of guard. The best of us fall in this place. We don’t fall in administering healthcare, that’s failed long before this point. No, the best fall in being who they really are, in giving what’s not there anymore and instead the ugliest of what’s left (at the very least, sometimes the ugliest is not so ugly).

Medically, would already be a no-brainer, since by virtue of proper resource allocation we’re trained to prioritize the range in-between life and death, and act on such. But more that that, are those golden opportunities in people’s lives that are an idealist’s dream - that are far beyond the capacity of a medical graduate’s 24th hour body. A bigger ER is a useless thing when there’s no manpower behind the triage and staff, and disproportionate to the hospital size it was made for (or already stretched beyond).

It’s a moot point. The truth is, improve the entire healthcare system, from prevention to tertiary services, and maybe this wouldn’t be happening. Another truth? The pride that upholds that hospital is a narrow sliver of salvation for the few that make it past that table, because it dysfunctionally saves the lives it often also loses. Living corpses it produces to return to the same cycle that brought them there. ----

Half a year down. Half a year to maybe see hope in the darkest plot of land devoid of even the characteristic pride around it.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Instead of, “Why Am I Here?” I find myself asking the even older question, “Why Me?”

A question I already know the answer to, a question that betrays conceit in its redundancy rather than the confusion it used to.

Too much time now that I have this brief respite, but it’s precious, precious time that should be spent elsewhere.

Nope, there’s no depth to this post because simply, the lightness that erases the need for me to seek answers at this moment is just maybe exactly what I need at this time of my life. When it comes to the point that depth will return, when the questions at the back of my mind become too great that those questions in the title are answered, I’ll probably.... need help. Why me? Because of grace. At this time, at this place, by these people, because of grace, this is my present. The future will build on it.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Tug of Heart

Chill day at the Eye Instrument Center with what the retina fellow called brain-mushing entertainment on TV. (He caught me watching) Well, it was interesting to me for a bit because it was a showdown between two teens playing the violin. Thankfully the more skilled guy won - there really was more power in the playing, aside from the clean playing.

Anyway, throwback cuz I can’t help but look for it. And I scare myself with how difficult the parts I pushed myself to were those times O___O Ugh. Enjoyed the performance of friends though. hahaha. I miss it. A little. :)

https://www.facebook.com/katrina.m.lee.9/videos/t.1242227188/1952025161854/?type=2&theater

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Traps release

My back is freeeee. Really needed the back massage O____O

That 6-hour lead gown for procedure on tibial intramedullary nailing on top of adjustment to this new environment and 2nd rotation resulted in a pretty messed up back for the past few weeks. And I couldn’t find the time nor (cheap) place yet for a back rub til now. Yay! Not as relaxing as the Swedish I’m used to, and my first time to try full body Thai, but it worked and my back isn’t as frustrated as it was awhile ago.

While I still see it as a luxury thing, it’s also therapeutic and I’ve been willing to do it when I know my body’s been strained (past normal strain).

Traps release, indeed.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

For the first time in forever

We have a pet. Cat.

It just met me today. Yep, I’m the one who’s new! They brought her home sometime this week. Huhu I’ve been replaced I think. :))

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I always thought we were more of dog people instead. But, aww, it’s cute! and playful! with good fur! and still small. Please stay small.

(It’ll probably be huge on my next chance to legit come home.)

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People can change! The one who brought her home was the one who once bought an air gun to shoot stray cats ‘-_- Maybe that means God might still just redeem that soul? :o :( :)

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Triads of Blunders

Thank God for mercy, grace, forgiveness, and peace. When I beat myself up, He reminds me it’s already been paid for, I’ve already been restored, long before it happened.

No matter how many times I think through the steps, every moment where there was a chance, and even my chance, to change the course of my previous duty’s conclusion, I know it’s already happened; and even if I could repeat with just a little more gut instinct to follow, the same things might have happened. I guess I’ll always live with the consequences of my missing out on the simplest of things.

It’s humbling. I don’t want this kind of discipline where others are affected. Somehow, even if all responsibility of mine is removed, there’s a part of me that was involved. And I guess it’s that scenario that I need to remind me forever that I need to be careful in things, that I still have a lot to learn, that I really can have an impact on things, that sudden things with important consequences can happen at any time.

Huh. And of course, it doesn’t matter who I am. I don’t deserve what God has done for me, when He did these things, where He’s done it, who He’s used, or how He makes it happen. Every why is His way of reminding me of His love for me, and the blessing He gives me so that others may be blessed, and He may be glorified even more. Trust that He did all this for good - mine, yours, theirs. I may not see it, but all I can do is believe that it is true.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Every time I go back to you, you always welcome me with open <strings> and a better sound than I deserve. :)

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

That fake sounding but legit rushed vaccine and things pertaining to me

.... I’d like to believe one of those random bad fevers and colds was dengue at some point in my life making me immune to strains hence I’ve never had it until now. hahaha

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Mosquito attack.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

So... I know what those makeup brushes do now. Achievement unlocked!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

White Coat Series

Some simple joy seeing the coat with your name on it, that even the tailor shop people also realize and seem to wait for every time we put it on for the good fit.

We probably all have different reactions when we first see/hold/wear it. Some freak out for joy, some hold it in, some take selfies, some... might even cry? But I bet it shows. After the years of hard work and waiting, wearing the new burden still has its own reward, and I guess our faces show it somehow.

So while I won’t post the picture of my own coat like most everyone else does, I can finally relate today. Mixed feelings behind, that white coat is a sort of fulfillment of its own. :) More responsibility, more weight, more hot sweaty days ahead. But its a happy enough teaser of the responsibility partly already in your grasp.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

On a completely unexpected topic...

Thinking about it now, I appreciate the random guy who went up and asked for my number more than the lurker friend who was (is...?)obviously trying to get my attention. 

Maybe I should have replied. Hahaha

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

I’m hungry.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Dear Anonymous Whoever-You-Are, check my previous post’s note. :D

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

Doctor hacks

Getting your health clearance signed over lunch by a friend because you don’t want to look for and head into a clinic and likely get charged for it.

Same day, getting another friend’s license number unintentionally while asking for a prescription for prophylaxis, to write it for myself.

[twofifthsofasecondinhismovie]

where did u find episodes of miami medical????? i have been looking EVERYWHERE for them and have had no luck whatsoever!

some obscure torrent that was 4.44gb and took awhile since there aren’t many seeders. not one of those fishy download programs. haha! I’m still looking for where I got it again, so sorry. :( if you ever find it though, it really works! just give it time. I’ll tell you if ever I manage to find it again. :)