a long post about a long absence
i don't want this to be too long, so i'll probably omit some unnecessary details, but i wanted to open up about wtf happened to me. i feel bad for leaving so many people who care about me with literally no information. the last time i engaged with art as a community was pretty much exactly a year ago, early november 2023. posted a zeraora pic on twitter and stuff and just kinda jetted. it wasn't supposed to be what it is now, it just became that.
i got really demotivated, for starters. I've always struggled with reach and public perception, and my obsession with being a better version of myself. And i like to use empirical data for that- i prefer metrics, such as likes, retweets, comments- anything that can be graphed, quantified, etc. It's just how I work, i really like structure. But I never got that growth I was looking for. Posts didn't perform and I hated it- namely the feeling of being either not good enough or not acknowledged enough. so yah i left-
but oh boy did the shit hit the fucking fan. late november after i left, my long-term freelance position went up in smoke mainly due to mismanagement on their part, and that left me without literally any income. so no job, and literally couldn't hold a pencil without wanting to stab it through my neck (so, commissions were a no-go) means i was pretty fucked.
skip to like march and i hadn't literally drawn a single image since november. had no drive to. and right there i kinda just called it quits. social media was eating me alive- i couldn't deal with it. shortly after i got rehired, quit for the last time because of MORE mismanagement, then lost my apartment. i'm in a safe place rn with some absolutely outstanding friends but yeah...
---
i don't know if i can come back. i don't know if i'm capable of dealing with my perception of my work in the oddly socially competitive market that is digital art. i don't know or care if i'm a good artist. i literally do not. even if i were/am, could i handle the pressure that social media brings me? it might just be something i'm unable to handle. so even if i wanted to come back, and im not sure if i could- should i?
so, for now, i'm gonna keep all my art to myself. i've drawn some banger shit lately (I FINALLY AM GETTING PAINTING DOWN YESSSSSSSSSSSS) but... i shouldn't post it. if i do, and it doesn't soar to relatively meteoric heights, the cycle will begin anew, and i ain't feelin that.
idk. who knows. it's whatever regardless. i just want to put myself first for once and worry about healing as a creator and learning to love what i make again. i didn't draw a single picture for 8 months. actually nothing. im drawing again now but i'm not willing to open myself up to relapsing into hating my art or myself anymore.
...as an aside, fuck twitter/all for-profit social media and what it's done to the internet as a whole. literally fuck it. i hope twitter goes up in the biggest ball of flames it can. (unfortunately this means you too, tumblr).
(last thing i wanna say is that i WILL most likely be making at least one post in the not too distant future, for commissions. i'm in an extremely dire part of my life right now and regardless of my emotional state i still need to eat. so i'll be making a commission post at some point.)
anyways, thanks for reading