Gay Trash Child

I will fight you

[uhaulic]

I unblocked her because I'm afraid of her freakout if she realizes I blocked her.

Her righteous anger at protecting my partner from abuse is just so rich coming from someone who actively participated in my abuse by backing up claims that I was being selfish and irrational in my fear of being coerced into a living situation with her and my partner while my partner was still abusing me in those circumstances.

I'm so frightened. I'm panting in fear and I feel incoherent and freezing cold.

[uhaulic]

Christ almighty, I told the meta my partner is planning on moving in with that if she communicated in X way with me I would find it frightening and she fucking spiraled. Spent all evening trying to convince me that her feelings were rational and therefore not scary. She finds it triggering to have any of her actions called frightening.

Like, sorry bitch, its frightening to me to be spoken to like that. I don't want to be triggering but if you've been such an asshole to me that I'm afraid of you, I'm not going to never express fear around the ways you talk to me.

She ridiculed me for being afraid of my abuser in situations where he had previously and, at the time, was continuing to abuse me. She participated in that abuse. She has also made it clear that her fight response is on a razor's edge when it comes to me and I'm not safe when talking to her. And I'm the bad guy for saying something she did might be frightening

Fuck that bitch. I'm allowed my feelings.

Edit: I blocked her. I feel like it's giving in to avoidant tendencies and ultimately not healthy but I feel such a huge wave of relief knowing she's not just going to pop up and start haranguing me as long as she's blocked. I'm terrified of the fallout if she does try to text me while she's blocked and realizes I blocked her but I'm also so scared of her.

[uhaulic]

Hurt my own feelings re-reading some of the texts with SL. She was such a blinkered jackass to me and partner was such a dick about the whole thing.

Coming to terms with realizing how much he gaslit me about how "unreasonable" my emotions were in earlier arguments. He had a turning point in Jan 2022 where he suddenly connected with his own wants and needs and now can suddenly see how my wants and needs (where they conflict with someone who is more damaged than I am) aren't selfish and his approach of disregarding his wants and needs to service others was really damaging to him and to our relationship.

I also gaslit myself on how "irrational" I was, instead of listening to my feelings and finding why I was so upset. But he directly told me "this time you have a degree of reasoning to back your decision, but you and I both know that a certain indiscriminate hostility played a significant role..." And that's gaslighting bullshit. I feel vindicated finding that evidence of gaslighting and looked further for other stuff

That was the wrong choice. Reading the texts from SL is still triggering. It was an extremely painful time in my life and I regret trying to dig at it and fix it.

I am grateful to have grown enough to accept that that situation traumatized me.

[uhaulic]

It’s Jan 2019. Here is the truth as I see it atm:

• MM is a toxic bitch and she was probably at least mildly abusive

• I hate CH, she’s sub-human garbage and deserves the worst that comes to her

• I like SP, she cool but I don’t think we’ll ever be tight

• I like SL but my own emotional issues rn are making it hard to get close to her

• My job stress is making dealing with anything outside of work fucking impossible

• I want to make new friends and I want to date but I’m so emotionally drained

[uhaulic]

Apr 2020

• MM was toxic and I still think abusive but he finally expressed that her behavior wasn't ok but its what he needed at the time and he's ok. I can get that.

•CH can burn in hell

•SP is chill but a libertarian. Her primary is uber libertarian from what I hear and boyo sometimes asks if I'd be down with living with them. No, no I would not be.

•SL is a self centered and shitty. I regret putting energy into trying to get to know someone like her. I've grown a lot in the fallout from that attempted relationship but it hurt a lot and it still hurts when boyfriend talks to her or goes to see her.

•ED is dope and also my girlfriend but a little know it all. But that only gets annoying when she's super stressed.

I have friends here now but now I'm moving again. And in a pandemic! It'll be hard to be lonely again, especially since I ditched my college group after a racist infiltraited their ranks and twisted them. But I'll have my boyfriend, his family, some friends from Indiana, my long distance girlfriend, our long distance DnD group, and I won't be having 24/7 allergic reactions. I miss breathing.

[uhaulic]

Fucking frustrated with abled people showboating about “ohhh, why don’t they consider disabled people in designing stuff, look a these additions that make this product so much more useful for a subsection of the population! Why wouldn’t they include that in the original design?!?”

Like, because most people can’t use it and it would actively reduce the usability for other disabilities? Yeah, raised couch is great if you can’t get up from a low couch, but if you’re extremely short it’ll make getting on your couch harder and if it’s raised on legs it gives more space under the couch for stuff to get stuck. Cane holders are great if you have a cane but they’re a hindrance if you don’t and might run into them, especially if you’re easily injured. Spot readers are great to hold IDs for the visually impaired but they appear to hinder the ability to slide stuff out of the bookcase which could cause problems if you struggle with muscle control or hand strength.

Just, Jesus fuck, stay in your lane until you’re more damn educated. The world isn’t black and white and disabled people aren’t all delicate snowflakes who don’t understand that what makes things easier for them might make things harder for the general population. Offer accomodations, don’t make everyone use what’s usable for /some/ disabled people.

This is about someone who specifically pissed me off by always being condescendingly/just sooo concerned about shit that’s not her fucking place. She has a gluten intolerance (celiacs?), not a mobility issue. She doesn’t get to talk for people who struggle with mobility and pain.

[uhaulic]

Still salty about the Dec visit from one of my metas. Tried to give her what she’d said she wanted - us to all kind of be like old friends hanging out. Except she acted like she didn’t want to be my friend and was glad to brush off her boyfriend’s friend so she could be with her man.

Like, bench, fuck you?!? Don’t come into my house, dismiss my efforts at friendship, and ignore that I’m making an effort to make you comfortable with no effort in return??? Jesus h Christ tho

[uhaulic]

Frustrated that my partner clearly thinks he’s Better At Relationships than me. He absolutely has more experience with romantic relationships. But I have more experience with complex, overlapping, intimate (platonic) relationships. I have tons of experience navigating close relationships with delicate people.

I just feel like he dismisses my lifetime of intense, intimate friendships with multiple people as unrelated to navigating varying levels of intimate relationships. He’s Done Relationships so He Knows. I’m ~coming in with expectations of how relationships are~ not knowledgeable about how I am in intimate relationships and what I want in them, nor aware of reasonable interpersonal boundaries and offended when those boundaries are crossed.

Our experience practically just doesn’t overlap in areas of expertise. Whenever an issue comes up, one and only one of us knows how to deal with it.

[uhaulic]

Jesus Christ. I’m on the polyamory subreddit sometimes and these people. Some of these people are just horrible at social interactions. “Should I let my partner vent to me about a meta?” “No, do you want him venting about you?” Like... no, I want him to talk to me. But it’s important, critical even, to have outside perspectives on relationships. It’s massively shitty and controlling to not want him to talk about us and our issues with people who let him vent and sort it all out. Why shouldn’t I be there for him in return?

For people who think they’re so daaaamn enlightened to the Ways of People and Relationships they fucking suck.

[uhaulic]

It’s Jan 2019. Here is the truth as I see it atm:

• MM is a toxic bitch and she was probably at least mildly abusive

• I hate CH, she’s sub-human garbage and deserves the worst that comes to her

• I like SP, she cool but I don’t think we’ll ever be tight

• I like SL but my own emotional issues rn are making it hard to get close to her

• My job stress is making dealing with anything outside of work fucking impossible

• I want to make new friends and I want to date but I’m so emotionally drained

[uhaulic]

I’m getting sick of how my head goes around and around on my boyfriend’s partners. I’m still mad about the abusive ex.

I talked to him about how I didn’t like the abusive ex and believe his behavior around her is indicative of her being abusive. He says he considered it seriously and still fully disagrees with my assessment, though he was surprised to learn that the longer term partner agrees with me thinking the ex is toxic. I’m dissatisfied with how that conversation went, I spoke the truth as I saw it but apparently I came in too hot on “I don’t like [abusive ex]” and that put him on the defensive. He says he’s not experiencing the tension in defending abusive ex that he experienced when trying to claim the Confirmed Shitstain wasn’t a shitstain but I don’t think he thought there was any sort of tension when I first told him Shitstain was a shitstain, either.

I’m still fully sure the behavior I saw from him around their relationship was the behavior of someone in a toxic situation. This time around I don’t feel crazy and uncertain like I did with the Shitstain situation and I was SUPER RIGHT about that bullshit. We ended the conversation with him expressing boredom on the topic after affirming that he really thinks it was a beautiful relationship with some hard times and I affirmed that I still think she seemed abusive.

I’m sick of thinking about it. I’m sick of being so concerned about my partner with no way of protecting him from things like this. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this kind of polyamory...

[uhaulic]

I miss the domesticity of living with my best friends

[uhaulic]

hopefully my boyfriend gets to move in with me and I get to have this feeling again. I miss it so badly

[uhaulic]

He did and it’s great. I love being around him ^_^

[uhaulic]

Update: That visit with the girlfriend ended up ending the relationship. Apparently it was awkward and bitter and more fighting than they ever really experienced before. He’s not sure it’s done forever but they’re definitely broken up for now.

My partner moved here in August.

At that time he asked if another partner could come for a month. I have v good reasons to think that relationship is bad news, though the actual dynamic was fine. I’d ignored her and my discomfort with that relationship because she was far away, but once she was gonna be in the area I couldn’t avoid expressing my discomfort. He ended up agreeing and stepping back from it.

That just left partners of his I like, one I’ve met and could be bros with if she lived nearby and one I’ve only talked to online but I’m kind of seriously crushing on.

Thing is, the one I’m crushing on was thinking of visiting for Thanksgiving. We talked on skype because after the previous debacle with the partner I hated, I was hesitant to have someone visit without a Skype meeting. I was all good vibes from that but apparently she was spooked off from visiting. Between a jump in plane ticket prices and her not feeling the good vibes between us she asked our partner to visit her for Thanksgiving instead. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love spending time with loved ones that way, and I’m not going home for it so when Cipo asked if I wanted him to stay I said absolutely yes. She has best friends with her and isn’t American so it’s not as important a holiday to have him at for her as it is for me. Apparently she didn’t like that at all and now they’re fighting. He thinks it’s because she’s reading it as choosing me over her.

He says he’s over dealing with that kind of thing. He’s always been the one bringing people into the poly lifestyle and pushing the envelope on it and he’s sick of coddling people through their difficulties with what he needs to be happy in relationships and what he’s very, very clear is a pre-existing, necessary lifestyle for him.

I want them to resolve this. He really loves her and I very much want to get to know her better. And while polyamory isn’t a long term thing for everyone, I think some experience with a healthy dynamic in it can help with communication and lack of jealousy in future relationships. So I think that this could be a good thing for her to stick with a while longer. At least long enough to get comfortable with me being around

On the other hand, while he was already getting sick of coddling people when I met him, I also half think my relative ease with being poly is making it harder for him to want to give a shit when people can’t handle it. Like, “oh, it doesn’t have to be so damn hard... why am I putting up with this bullshit again?” And I’m feeling quietly smug about that

I also just feel personally kind of hurt. I really like her, I have a crush on her, and she is declining spending extra time with her partner because that means she’ll have to be around me. It wouldn’t take away from them having a weekend alone, it’d just be a couple more days to chill with him and someone he likes and who I thought she liked. I get that it has the potential to be awkward, but it also has the potential to be awesome. And even if it’s awkward, it won’t take away from them having a cool weekend together. Why is my presence so compelling a reason to not visit him?

[uhaulic]

Dammit, this blog is just becoming a log book of bitching about my partner's other girlfriend. I don't even know her and I let her existence cause me this much strife. I wish I was good enough to let it go completely, but at least I'm controlled enough to not bitch out my love over something we're not going to see eye to eye on unless something brings me around to his view.

My love had been planning to have this girl visit for 4-6 weeks this summer. But then it became very possible he'd move down here before she was set to come and I was clear that I wouldn't be comfortable with her staying with us, plus she isn't so hot on the polyamory thing and probably wouldn't have wanted to anyway. I thought that killed that visit, not considering how long it had been since they'd seen each other and focusing instead on how their relationship is floundering.

Today my partner told me she'd be visiting up there for a week at a point after I'd been hoping he'd be moved here for work. So I was both surprised the visit was still happening and hurt that it was after when I've been hoping he'll be down here. He told me it'd been decided this past week and since we've been talking almost constantly this week I'm wondering just fucking when he was planning on telling me. Which is maybe dumb, he probably didn't know I thought she wasn't visiting and was planning on telling me when I asked after her (which is what happened).

He still hasn't given me any reason to believe she's not just a crazy bitch he fell in love with at a vulnerable time and now puts up with for their history. Prodding never gets a satisfying answer. Just "she's crazy and mean and I love how hard it is to like her and how relieved she is that I put up with her shit." I think I can kind of get where he's coming from but also I don't like that he lets her be so unkind to him.

I am nervous about what he describes as losing himself to her when they're together. He says a lot about their future will be decided on that visit but I'm not sure he'll keep a rational head about him. I'm worried he'll tell her he wants to marry her again and this time she'll take it. I want to marry him. Not soon, maybe get engaged in 3 years, but I want to marry him and that's something he can only offer to one person at a time. And it's way too early in our relationship to tell him part of my jealousy is that I don't want him to marry someone else.

Hey-o! Living up to that URL tho. I started thinking about asking him to move here with me in October. He told me he'd thought about asking me to move in with him in January. I actually asked him to move across the country with me in January (he said no). I also had started thinking about marrying him in January, since that's when he first told me he'd wanted to marry Marini and why I was so, so hurt by that. By February he'd agreed to come stay with me here for "a while" and in March he was applying for full time jobs in my company and we had decided to full on live together. Now, in May, I have a timeline for when I want to start talking about getting married and get engaged as well as a rough timeline of when I'd say yes and when I'd say wait if he got ahead of me on this one. We've been together since September. Moving real fast here.

[uhaulic]

I tried to write something out to convince myself that I was being unreasonable about my boyfriend’s primary partner being a bitch. But based on the information I have (including begging for him to say something nice about her) she’s an abusive bitch and he’ll be healthier without her.

I think they more or less broke up tonight and I’m sad he’s sad and for his sake I hope she’s ok but I’m so glad. From what he’s told me she’s “unstable and demanding”, takes a ton of emotional support without returning it, and has veeery few redeeming characteristics as far as the person who loves her most can say. He loves that she challenges him and forces him to be more empathetic and all around better. But she’s not supporting him in that, she’s demanding it to not be unbearable to be around.

I wish I got to really meet her and see if my second hand impression is true. But when I can get a monogamous person I’m dating (inclined to hate my primary partner) to believe that my boyfriend is a cool guy and we’re good together, then I seriously question why 4 years of relationship can’t come out with “she’s funny, thoughtful, charismatic, and we vibe really well” or something. I know she’s sexy and they have mad chemistry, but that’s not enough if she’s as manipulative and unkind as she sounds.

I think the only way to go forward is to behave like he broke up with someone I’m simply jealous of, which is what he thinks now. Listen and comfort or leave alone as he wants. Wait until there’s enough distance from the attachment and pain and until I’m enough a fixture to dig further if I feel I reeeeally need to. Like 6 months bare minimum. Better a year or more.

October 2018 me, if you’ve already brought up that she sounds manipulative or abusive then you’ve fucked up. Seriously, give him time to process and don’t butt in with your “mememe, let’s talk about my ideas and communicate my way” shit. This is his and very important to him. Respect that.

April 2019 me, if you’ve mentioned this you better have had a DAMN good reason. Remember how long it took you to process Brianna? Imagine if you’d been in love with her and someone butted in with “ummmm! She sounds abusive and terrible! Have you considered that this person you care about is actually horrific?” before you got there or to an easier place about her. Fuck them right? Fuck you if you do that to my love.

October 2019 me, how ARE you? Like, damn, year and a half in the future. Can’t imagine who you are now. Hope things are going good with Cipo but ???? Who knows? Couldn’t have remotely pictured now in October 2016 and it seems absurd to hope to see the same amount of betterment in the next year and a half so I’ll just hope you’re happy. But also, if you’re still with Cipo, I hope if you mentioned this to him that you had a good reason.

Honestly, probably best to let it be. If future partners seem un-ok point it out but don’t try and break his memory of someone he cares about. That’s selfish.

[uhaulic]

Ok, so my problems with their relationship is, shockingly, mostly about my own hurt feelings over a completely separate issue. I hear his talking about her as similar to how I spoke about someone who seriously hurt me before I realized how badly she was hurting me. But he's less fragile and more aware of his girlfriend's faults than I was with this ex-friend. His descriptions of her make me afraid for him but realizing how totally a little meltdown I had over something he recently confirmed about her was about me and my issues along with remembering how different he is from me helps me believe he's ok. I really hope he's ok.

[uhaulic]

Do you ever think about how while it’s a little hard to understand Shakespearean English, it’d be nearly impossible for Shakespeare to understand you?

Like if you went back in time to try and organize a filthy, sexy-pirate-accented orgy you wouldn’t be speaking charmingly informal and slang-riddled English to them, you’d be speaking near gibberish. Like you’d be sitting there trying to use your most formal language, while avoiding the scientific formal words that came into English in the 19th and 20th centuries. And sometimes sifting through all the penis euphemisms until you finally find one that’s been around for 400 years or your wild gesturing at men’s crotches gets them to provide like “phallus” or “tool” or something else you never would’ve come up with

[uhaulic]

Sometimes I wish I could be friends with myself. 

[kathyt]

[uhaulic]

Never sure if I love or hate the restless wanderlust feeling 1 am on a Saturday brings

[uhaulic]

I love it now. I may not follow it immediately but I'm no longer too tired, scared, and poor to wander at will. I like how I've grown and the person I'm becoming