estrela

I pretend to be a heroine straight out of a shoujo manga, romance novel and an underrated indie movie.

[uhmram]

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i am contemplating whether or not to name this entry the confessions of an anxious appointment secretary. guess i will. tbh, this is just a messy narration of how i am holding up with work. swear this quarantine makes you think differently. it’s just so hard when your boyfriend is away for his police training without any phones in sight and you can’t pinpoint the exact person you wanna share your burdens to because you don’t wanna seem like a whiny 22 year old.

ok so these past few days, i’ve been thinking of resigning. well still not sure if this is just my lockdown-ed self talking. but i’ve been weighing the pros and cons of this. sure, being a secretary for a high ranking gov’t official sounds enticing but god no. you’re expected to plot her schedules, make appointments (work & personal related) and deal with people who thinks they can do your job better than you do, which i really hate. i mean if you wanna have my position, just say so. lol.

my first months were difficult considering how shy i was. i couldn’t talk back. now that i am getting the hang of things, i just realize that i couldn’t do this for a long time. salary is below minimum, people are trash, and i can’t sense any personal growth. doing personal errands for her was no problem for me but to run errands for her family is a different story. i swear i hate it when they go on trips especially abroad. the horror everytime i get the news of them travelling stresses me. also, one thing is that i couldn’t stomach working under politicians anymore. hello, if it was mayor vico, i’d definitely reconsider jk. also, i’m not suited for public service.

i’d say the experience is one for the books. made a lot of connections and went through the worst and best. i hate to admit this but i’ve grown to have a soft side for my boss although she isn’t the very best. it’s just that i can’t work for someone like her anymore. my political view says no.

i’ve been checking jobs online. will still see how things will turn out. i’m still waiting for my bf’s graduation so we could discuss things. he’s been wanting me to resign since he knows how much struggle i’ve been through when i started this job. but i also have to think a hundred times before making this huge decision. i don’t wanna resign just because he said so. if anyone knows a hiring hit me up lol. my resume’s updated already hahaha.

[uhmram]

intramuros 

me who doesn’t like her photo taken featuring my extra jowa and his poses

[uhmram]

040619 calamba, laguna

[uhmram]

Life update:

It’s Saturday night and I’m out here making an entry again. Honestly, I miss writing stuff like this. It reminds me of my passion for writing. But with the current state of my life right now, I don’t think I can do the things I used to love. Things are too hectic and stressful for me ever since I started working as an appointment secretary for a high-profile person. Never have I ever thought about getting this job. Never in my wildest dreams. Not that I love nor hate this job. I’m just here for the experience and making the most out of it.

There are times when I wish I was back in college, where I can freely cut classes. I can’t even sleep properly these days without thinking the schedule of my boss and making sure everything’s properly coordinated. Her life is my top priority as of now.

But despite the stress my job brings, I’m just glad I found someone who brings out the good in the bad. This might be a little cheesy but I’m in too deep. I met him on a dating app. Although things were a bit messy at first, so far, he’s more than ok. We get along really well despite the big differences we have. He’s more of an outdoor type of person compared to me who loves to lie down a lot. It kinda scares me that I’m here, readying myself to be in a relationship.

We met for the first-time last March 10 and had a museum date in National Museum of National History. What I like about him is that he’s well versed. He knows his stuff. I thought it was going to be awkward and we’d be filled with dead air, surprisingly, it wasn’t. After the museum, we watched the free concert show at Rizal Park. Never did I imagine having a date in Rizal Park because this probinsyana girl’s too scared to commute.

I felt a bad that he had to accompany me back to Baclaran to see me off. To think that he’s from Bulacan. Bitch got kilig when I was finally about to ride the bus, he pulled me in and fricking hugged me. Wow, I’m so marupok.

Now, I want to pinch myself for being clingy because I miss his voice and I can’t call him because he has a race to run tomorrow. Go, un-sporty me!

Anyway, I can’t wait to meet my friends again next week. The only thing that keeps me sane. If anyone’s wondering, yup, I’m still doing fine. Just casual breakdowns here and there.

(´・ω・`)

[uhmram]

no matter how much i try to deceive myself that i am enjoying the work i have right now, i can’t deny the fact that it makes me feel all sorts of sadness. sometimes, i feel myself crying on my way to work while riding the jeepney or when i finally get home after a long exhausting day. the emotions just hits me at random times and i’m afraid that i’d break down any moment. i keep telling myself that everybody out there feels the same way that i do and it’s just that i’m plain weak to handle adulting. more like i wasn’t made for this.

the stress gets through me every single fucking time and it annoys me. it makes me think of how much of a failure i am. i’m so scared that people would say that i’m too stupid for this position considering i had honors. i’m scared to make decisions especially when i’m stressed because i’d probably regret it after. but deep down i know being scared won’t help me at all.

just this week, i suddenly felt sad. i realized the difference between working with real life adults and people my age. idk bro. i just wanted to have a nice working environment without everyone trying to talk behind each others back and pretend that they like each others company. i decided not to pick sides and focus on work instead. also, there were times when i’m reminded of my dad and how much control he had over me that i turned out to be the indecisive kid that i am right now.

i wish i could say, “ma’am pa void ng adulting life”.

[uhmram]

story time!!

this just happened in a week and i wanna slap myself.

i started using a dating app called okc. the first week were kinda boring because i kept swiping left and the ones i matched didn’t bother messaging me. lol. until i saw this one profile and noticed that he commented on my dog’s photo. i swiped right until we started chatting. he was ok. we kinda had a misunderstanding at first. since his name is kevin and i told him “merry christmas ya filthy animal”, referencing home alone. he got offended but i told him that i was just quoting the movie.

we get along well. although there are times when he’s just too cringy. we chat all day long also during work when i’m free. until one time, he asked me for my ig username. i was kinda hesitating bc he’d get to see what i’m up to. but i did gave it to him. until he questioned me if i knew marie and ann. i told him that they were my college classmates and all i had was a shocked emoticon. i just knew something was up.

he was the one who told me that they had something just last year. kevin and marie matched on the same dating app. kevin surprised her with gifts on her birthday but he got turned down because marie wasn’t over her past relationship yet. with the cold treatment of marie, kevin tried to win her back with the help of her friend, ann. ann was the wingman but it didn’t end up well. marie left him hanging without anything. i think that’s why he tried using okc again.

and ffs, why does it have to be him. now things are messy for me because he obviously has the plans to pursue me but it’s too early for that and i still don’t have any plans to start a relationship. also, the only reason that i tried using okc was because there’s this guy named pao in my workplace, designated in the other department, who my co-workers tries to set me up but i don’t wanna fall for him in any way because i wanna focus in my job and i think it’s bad to start an office romance. also, he the torpe type and i swore to myself that i don’t wanna deal with those types because you’ll end up with nothing. it’s 2019 already. it’s time to move!! ugh.

[uhmram]

2019

Honestly, I don’t know where to start this. 2018 was surely a difficult year for me especially during the second half. But here’s my year in a nutshell.

completed my internship and gained new insights

survived thesis tgt with the best thesis partner i could ever have!!

graduated with honors and getting to do it with your college friends (best feeling ever)

turned 21 and still feel like 16

unemployed

my dog died (rip marley)

adopted my neighbor’s dog and still named him marley

dad also died (miss u dad)

confined for week bc i got dengue

finally employed

first christmas and new year without dad

at the same time, the first christmas we spent with relatives

This year will definitely be a year of beginnings for me. To start fresh and strong as I’ve ever been. Looking forward to more exciting and fulfilling days.

[uhmram]

hire me already pLS

[uhmram]

Here’s to my first ever concert experience!

Can I let out a huge scream? Because “AAAAAAAAH” finally, I got to tick off one of my bucket list. I can’t contain my feelings because my friends know what I went through just to see Wanna One.

The thing was, I wasn’t allowed to go to the concert. I asked permission months ago just before I told them that I was included in the honor graduates. But sadly, I could ask for anything but this. My stubborn ass couldn’t bear to miss this once in a lifetime event because they’ll disband by the end of the year. It was now or never. I was actually telling myself that I won’t get to see them because my money’s not enough to afford the seat that I want and my friend wasn’t sure yet. But hallelujah for my auntie, who was an angel in disguise, gave me money as a graduation gift. Then, my friend messaged me two days before the ticket selling that she’ll attend. I mean, if that isn’t destiny, I don’t know anymore.

My friend, Aya, was the one who purchased the tickets because I was out to celebrate my birthday. I was anxious because she updated me and told me tickets were sold-out already. My twitter friend told me to check online and we did. We got UB seats away from each other.

I won’t go into details how I dragged myself out of the house without my strict parents getting suspicious of their unemployed kid.

Fast forward to D-Day! I met Johanna who is Aya’s college friend. We got along right away that you would think we’re friends for years. We went there early to get freebies but we’re too lazy to mingle with people and it was too hot. We managed to get just one slogan banner and 1 envelope full of photocards and stickers. We also met new friends, Kenni (who traveled all the way from Ilo-ilo just to attend the concert!! the dedication), Yen (who tagged along because her sister would enter at the other side of the venue) and Pat (who was my seatmate).

It was more tiring to wait than the actual concert. We finally entered the arena by 5 then waited for a few more minutes to get to our seats. I had goosebumps when the doors opened. It was finally sinking in that I’ll get to seem them! It started at exactly 7:30 and ended 10:20-ish.

The whole performance, I was just screaming my lungs out. The first time I screamed hard, I tasted blood in my throat. I had a few shitty videos because I told myself that I’ll enjoy the moment and I did. Although I can’t really see them face to face and had to watch them through the screen, it was an enchanting experience to breathe the same air as them. Iba ‘yung feeling na puro fans kayo tapos kumakanta lang kayo lahat. Ugh, if I could only relive that exact moment. Although I certain that I was gonna cry when I hear my favorite song from them which is Beautiful, I didn’t. My stomach was actually hurting so I was distracted most of the time. But I did enjoy it. They were so cute. I felt bad for them since they had a tight schedule before coming here. Time ran so fast that night that I actually thought the duration was only 1 hour.

The next day, I woke up with an aching throat and body but it was one for the books.

I don’t know if they will go back them again but I hope by that time, I’m finally employed so I can see them for one last time together as Wanna One. Here’s to more concerts in the future!

[uhmram]

Graduation Blues

It’s almost been a week since I’ve graduated college and I never thought I’d be haunted by post graduation depression. It’s like one day you’re a student, then suddenly you’re stripped off of that identity the next. What am I now? What do I become?

I graduated with honors but something didn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong. I felt happy the moment I was told I was included in the honors list. I actually couldn’t hide my excitement after telling myself beforehand that it’s not really my goal to be a cum laude. I just wanted to graduate. I guess it’s a bonus that I did. But days passed, I became the overthinker that I was to the point that I wanted to go and tell the college registrar if they could withdraw it. Even though I told my parents about it and saw how ecstatic they were. Somehow, they kind of expected it.

But did I really deserve it? There’s a demon inside me that keeps whispering that I don’t. They were more deserving students than me. For whatever reasons it may be, it’s the truth. Given that I graduated Journalism, the passion isn’t there. Sure, I didn’t get a grade lower than 3 (passing grade), but it’s because I tried hard to squeeze out the best I could give. I couldn’t even raise my hand properly without getting nervous during recitations, what more if I enter the field? There are more assholes than the nice ones and I don’t think I am ready for that. Add the fact that a journalist’s job here is life-threatening and you’ll probably eat death threats for breakfast. 

Sometimes I wish I had the courage and passion. Me, graduating with honors, honestly feels more of a burden than blessing. Now that I am unemployed, I keep on thinking about the expectations people have for me because of that. But I know, I am not here to live up to their expectations. I’m already disappointed with myself to care about the others. I’m just afraid that they’d use it against me when they see me fail. Being a cum laude does not give me a free pass in anything. I’m just tired of hearing people say that it would be easy for me to find a job and job will look for you instead. Ah, I just wish they’d be a little sensitive especially during these days when I’m looking for a job.

I’d say fuck it but I don’t want to fuck things up.

[uhmram]

Uhm, hello.

It feels weird to put out an entry after 3 months of trying to survive my life as a senior. As I am writing this, I am listening to Beautiful – Wanna One, one thing that changed me this year. I have finally converted myself into a K-Pop fan though I tried to resist the temptation of being a fangirl. To which is why I curated a playlist by Korean artists. I hope you enjoy my taste in music. I thought the first and last would be me being a Directioner but here I am entering a new fandom. This girl right here is a Wannable. I just did not imagine I would fall in this dungeon after watching them on TV by accident. Now, I am running a secret fan account and pre-ordered their newest album. Guess there’s no turning back now since they’re going to disband this year. My poor soul. Don’t be shy to hit me up and be mutuals on twitter. I am a lonely potato there.

After getting worried last year about my internship, I am proud to announce that I have completed my internship at a business company. Actually, before that I was hopeless that I would be hired since we went to seek for companies and gave out resumes. None of the 9 companies we went contacted us back. I became desperate and started sending out resumes to every email I see on Facebook looking for interns. 2 companies messaged me – the ad company and the business company. Both had the same interview day but with the ad company first. I thought we were about to get hired and we didn’t want to attend the latter. We went through it and in the end, it was a good decision. Spending 200 hours was worth it. I am thankful for our supervisors for giving us nothing but the best experience. They trusted us with tasks and gave us a memorable internship. To be honest, I wasn’t really expecting something upon working in the company but turns out more than I expected. One thing I will surely miss is the free food. You’ll never get hungry. Also, to be a part of the biggest business seminar was the highlight of my internship. Just imagine, 15000 people participated is mind-blowing. Maybe, I will volunteer next time.

Now, I am currently working on my thesis and narrative report. Just a little push and I am an inch close to graduation. With much faith, I can do this shit.

[uhmram]

well, it’s been two days since i finished watching moon lovers: scarlet heart ryeo and i can’t seem to start another drama because i’m too hooked with the ending. so i decided to do a messy review about it.

i actually have zero interest in watching this which was why i told my friend to narrate the whole story. good thing was i forgot almost half of it. i got a copy from my friend and was so bored that i went for this. i remember the hype about this when it was still airing and i couldn’t understand what the hype was all about. now, i do. i really, really do!!!

girl, let me tell you that i didn’t expect a lot of death. there was too much of it that it didn’t surprised me anymore if another one dies. lol. i actually shipped the 8th prince and hae soo. like soooo much. the only thing that hindered me was lady hae’s unrequited love for her husband. i was so pissed at wook getting all guilty after her death. which was why i jumped from my og ship to another ship which is wang so and hae soo. i love how wang so’s love for her was intense and didn’t mind anyone else. wish wook learned from him instead of making promises.

aside from the princes admiration for hae soo, can i just point out how much i love court lady oh’s character. i literally shed tears when she talked to the king and how hae soo reminds her of their unborn child. also, the part where hae soo took court lady oh to the secret passage just before she was about to be hanged.

when i was watching the final episode, i was calm because i thought they’d get to see each other in the modern era. but boy, how wrong was i? the fucking ending left me torn in pieces. i thought the painting would come to life and they’d bid their goodbyes because they did not get a proper farewell!!! all those hardships they went through, they deserve to meet!! i am just so sad. 

this isn’t my favorite but there’s something about this drama that makes my heart ache. the actors did well in this drama that i am taking an interest in lee joon gi. he’s such a sweet potato and he looks good with iu. after watching, i listened to the ost on youtube and my, my did i cry. i truly believe there’d be a second season or at least a special episode because we deserve to know what happens to them. this is why i hate open ended endings. 

[uhmram]

i’m back to writing a text post after filling my blog with photos. as I’m writing this, i’m currently listening to all alone by acid ghost just to complement the mood. i realized that every time i am to write something here, it’d be about my anxiety. ‘tis the season to be anxious, fa la la la la la la la la.

it’s been bothering me for quite some time and i am left but to succumb to the feeling. it’s a futile battle against please do not forget me and do not mind me at all. i might deactivate my facebook account any time soon and i don’t know if it’s the right decision. ah, please help me. i’ve been wanting to let myself drown in weariness to forget the anxiousness but sometimes it gets you and you’re left to wonder if you’re enough for the people surrounding you.

god how i wish i am away.

but guess i’d be at home watching scarlet heart: ryeo which i am about to finish tonight. after that, i do not know what to do next with my life. also i wanna say how nice it feels receiving a thank you message from your classmates you helped. this ramen is touched.

[uhmram]

PA•TRI•CIA

[uhmram]

this looks like stills from a film about two girls ready to take life head on. lol. but in reality we’re still struggling where to do our internships.

[uhmram]

pls care to watch this short film, “bakit ako?” written by me and directed by my favorite classmate starring my good ol’ friend melanie. hehe.

[1night-2days]

(131201-151206) Goodbye Kim Joohyuk and thank you for all your hard work!  We’ll always remember you as our lovable Gutaengie hyung <3