A Heart Learning to Surrender
Here I am again, lying awake with my thoughts racing through my mind.
Lately, they have been stirring up feelings of doubt and insecurity, especially when it comes to my relationship. Our situation has always been one of my deepest insecurities. We've been living together for years now, and while there is so much love between us, there are moments when I find myself caught between hope and disappointment.
I understand that our financial situation has played a big part in why we have not officially tied the knot yet. I know life has not been easy, and I know there are practical reasons behind the delay. But if I'm being honest with myself, there is a small, hidden part of me that wonders if I am the only one who gets excited about the thought of marriage. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one thinking about it.
He has promised me that we will get married one day, and I hold on to that promise. Yet as the months pass, I notice that he rarely or never brings up the subject or initiates conversations about our future wedding. The silence has slowly become a source of anxiety for me.
I find myself asking difficult questions. What if he isn't truly ready? What if he only feels obligated because of our current situation? What if, under different circumstances, marriage wouldn't even be on his mind right now?
I've tried my best to bury these insecurities and focus on the good things in our relationship. I remind myself of his love, his loyalty, and all the ways he shows up for me every day. But sometimes, despite my efforts, these thoughts find their way back into my heart. The longer the silence lasts, the louder my fears become.
A conversation we had about his ex has also lingered in my mind. He once gave her a ring, and to me, a ring has always symbolized a promise of something deeper and more intentional. He has reassured me countless times that it meant nothing significant, yet there are moments when my heart struggles to fully accept that explanation.
God knows everything that has been weighing on my heart lately. He sees the tears I don't shed, the questions I don't ask out loud, and the fears I try so hard to silence. It saddens me more than I care to admit, but despite it all, I still choose hope.
I know God hears my prayers. I know He understands the desires of my heart better than anyone else ever could. And so today, I choose to surrender these worries to Him. I release my fears, my doubts, and my need for certainty.
Whatever His will is for my life, I trust that it will be far better than anything I could force or plan on my own.
For now, I will continue to love, to hope, and to wait with faith.