Mishie

A collection of moments, thoughts, and stories written from the heart. This blog is my personal journal. A space where I can simply be, and maybe where you’ll find pieces of yourself too.

[ukiyomeiso]

In the Middle of My Waiting

Today was one of those days when my mind became unbearably loud.

I found myself battling the same thoughts that have visited me so many times before. I stayed home while the hours slowly passed, and all I could think about was how my partner was out there working hard and sacrificing himself to provide for us. Meanwhile, I was here, feeling like I wasn't doing enough. The silence in the house seemed to amplify every insecurity I had.

Somewhere in the middle of all those thoughts, I started believing the lies again—that I am ugly, that I am useless, and that my worth is somehow tied to what I can contribute or how I look.

But those are lies.

The truth is that I am a daughter of God, created in His image and deeply loved by Him. My beauty is not measured by my appearance, my productivity, or how much money I make. My true beauty is found in a heart that seeks the Lord, trusts Him, and continues to surrender everything into His hands—even on the days when faith feels difficult.

With tears streaming down my face, I opened my Bible without knowing where to begin. I wasn't searching for a specific verse. I simply needed God.

When I turned the pages, I landed on Song of Solomon 4:1:

"Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful."

I cried even harder.

A part of me has been afraid that my partner's love for me might fade because of how I see myself and because of this season of waiting. But in that moment, I felt reminded that before anyone else calls me beautiful, I am already deeply loved by the God who created me. His love doesn't fluctuate with my circumstances, my appearance, or my accomplishments.

Today, I experienced God's faithfulness not through a miracle or a dramatic change in my situation, but through His Word. Through His love. Through the simple gift of waking up and living another day.

Sometimes I forget that every sunrise is evidence of God's mercy. If He had no purpose for me, today would never have come. The very breath in my lungs is a reminder that He is not finished with me yet.

So tonight, I don't want to surrender just one worry.

I want to surrender my entire life.

My fears. My insecurities. My desire to always have everything figured out. My need to measure my worth by worldly standards.

I place them all into the hands of Jesus.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know who holds tomorrow.

And for tonight, that is enough.

[ukiyomeiso]

Five Loaves, Two Fish, and a Heart That Needed to Trust

Today, I continued reading the Gospel of John, specifically Chapter 6, where Jesus fed the five thousand.

At first, I struggled to fully understand the miracle. How could five loaves of bread and two fish possibly feed more than five thousand people? From a human perspective, the numbers simply didn't make sense. It wasn't enough.

Yet that was exactly the point.

The disciples brought the little they had and placed it into Jesus' hands. It wasn't the amount that mattered, it was whose hands it was in. Jesus took what seemed insufficient, gave thanks, and fed every single person until they were satisfied. Not only was everyone fed, but the disciples also gathered twelve baskets full of leftovers.

What amazed me most wasn't simply the miracle itself, but what it revealed about Jesus. The bread satisfied the people's physical hunger for a moment, but Jesus knew their deepest need wasn't bread. He was pointing them to something greater, to Himself. Jesus is the Bread of Life, the One who satisfies the hunger of our souls in a way nothing else ever can.

As I reflected on this passage, I couldn't help but see myself in it.

Lately, I've been searching for another job because I keep thinking that what we have isn't enough. Financially, I want to contribute more and prepare for the future. While those desires aren't wrong, I realized that somewhere along the way, I became so focused on what we lacked that I overlooked everything God has already provided.

What we have today is something I once prayed for.

Instead of seeing God's faithfulness, I allowed anxiety to convince me that I was lacking. Looking back, I feel convicted because I've been chasing "more" without fully appreciating the blessings already in front of me.

The five loaves and two fish reminded me of my own life. What I have may seem small in my eyes, but when I place it in the hands of Jesus, it is more than enough for Him to accomplish His purpose. My role isn't to multiply the loaves, it's to surrender them.

As I thought about the past few months, I realized that God has never abandoned us. There were moments when I worried about paying bills, wondering how we would make it through. Yet every single time, God provided. Sometimes it happened at the very last minute, but He was never late. I was able to pay what needed to be paid, and somehow, there was still enough left over.

That reminded me so much of the twelve baskets of leftovers. God's provision doesn't always look the way I expect, but it is always sufficient.

Above all, I realized that one of God's greatest gifts in my life is love and companionship. Even though Baba and I are separated by distance, he has remained by my side through every season. Through him, I have experienced God's faithfulness and the reminder that I have never been alone.

Moving forward, I want to cultivate a heart of gratitude. I don't want anxiety to blind me to God's daily blessings. Instead of constantly worrying about making ends meet, I want to remember everything I already have.

Five years ago, I prayed for the love I'm living today.

I don't want to spend so much time chasing tomorrow that I fail to thank God for today.

Lord, teach me to keep placing my "five loaves and two fish" into Your hands. Help me to trust that You are enough, and because You are enough, I have more than enough.

[ukiyomeiso]

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always been fascinated by home design. I think that's one of the reasons I loved playing The Sims so much—I could spend hours building cozy little houses, decorating every room, and imagining the lives of the people who lived there. Looking back, I realize it was never just a game to me. It was a glimpse into the kind of life I dreamed of.

Now that I'm older, that love for home design has never really left. If anything, it's only grown stronger. But after spending my whole life in a busy, humid city, I've found myself craving something completely different. I long for a slower, quieter life—one that's surrounded by nature instead of traffic, where the air is cool, the mornings are peaceful, and life doesn't feel like it's constantly rushing.

For the past few months, I've been endlessly watching tiny home tours on YouTube and saving cottage-inspired homes on Pinterest. There's just something about them that makes my heart feel at home. Warm wood interiors, soft lighting, little reading nooks, gardens overflowing with flowers—it all feels so peaceful.

Maybe one day, I'll buy a small piece of land tucked away in the mountains, where everything is green and the air is crisp. I'd build a cozy little cottage—not a mansion, just enough space to feel warm and lived in. Instead of an air conditioner humming in the background, I'd have a little fireplace to keep the house cozy on chilly evenings. I can already picture myself curled up with a book, a cup of tea, and the windows open just enough to let in the scent of the forest.

I'd love for it to become our little escape from the city. A place to recharge whenever life feels too loud. And when we're not there, maybe I could open it up as an Airbnb so other people could experience that same sense of peace.

Around the cottage, I'd grow vegetables, herbs, and a few fruit trees. I'd surround the property with a white picket fence and a wraparound porch where I could sit every morning, listening to birds instead of car horns. No endless notifications. No rush. Just the gentle sound of the wind moving through the trees.

Maybe it's a simple dream, but it feels like home—even if it only exists in my imagination for now.

[ukiyomeiso]

S — Scripture What verse or passage stood out to me the most today?

John 2:23-25: Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Festival, many people saw the signs he was performing and believed in his name. 24 But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. 25 He did not need any testimony about mankind, for he knew what was in each person.

O — Observation What is God teaching me through this passage? What does it reveal about God, people, or life?

This passage convicted me because I saw myself in the people who believed in Jesus after witnessing His miracles. It made me realize that there are times when I become more intentional in praising, thanking, and seeking God only after receiving His blessings or seeing His hand at work in my life.

On ordinary days, even though I know I should spend time with Him, I sometimes allow myself to drift away. My heart is still grateful, but my actions do not always reflect someone who is walking closely with God. I often tell Him in my prayers that I want to walk with Him, yet my consistency does not always match my desire.

This passage reminds me that God sees beyond outward actions. He knows my heart completely. He knows when my faith is genuine and when I am becoming spiritually distant. That realization humbles me and makes me want a faith that is rooted in who He is—not only in the blessings He gives.

A — Application How can I apply this truth to my life today or this week? What needs to change in me?

This week, I will commit myself to spending time with God every day through Bible reading and prayer, not because I need something from Him, but because I desire a deeper relationship with Him.

I also want to live in a way that honors Jesus in my thoughts, words, and actions. I will pay attention to the conviction in my heart because it is often through that gentle prompting that God reminds me when I am drifting away. Instead of ignoring it, I want to respond with obedience, consistency, and a willing heart.

P — Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for speaking to me through Your Word today. Thank You for showing me that You know my heart completely—even the parts I try to hide from myself. Forgive me for the times when my faith becomes conditional and when I seek You more during seasons of blessing than in the ordinary moments of life.

Teach me to love You for who You are, not only for what You do for me. Help me to remain faithful in my daily walk with You and to seek Your presence whether life is joyful, difficult, or simply ordinary. Give me a heart that listens, discerns Your voice, and willingly follows wherever You lead.

Thank You for every blessing You have given me—both seen and unseen. Thank You for always providing more than I need and for Your constant grace and mercy.

I also lift up Babi to You. Please keep him safe wherever he is, protect him, guide him, and draw him closer to You each day. I pray for Your protection, peace, and blessings over my family as well.

May my life bring glory to You in everything I do.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

[ukiyomeiso]

📖 S — Scripture What verse or passage stood out to me the most today?

John 1:29: "Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!

💭 O — Observation What is God teaching me through this passage? What does it reveal about God, people, or life?

God is God, and that truth alone is enough.

What amazes me about John is how unwavering his faith was. He remained steadfast in what God had called him to do, even when people questioned him, doubted him, and mocked him. He had never personally known Jesus before His ministry began, yet he faithfully prepared the way for Him, baptizing people and proclaiming the message God had entrusted to him. His confidence wasn't rooted in people's approval—it was rooted in God's calling.

It reminds me that in life, there will always be people who doubt us, question our intentions, or fail to understand the path we're on. But like John, we are not called to seek validation from others. We are called to remain faithful to what God has asked of us, trusting that His approval is the only one that truly matters.

❤️ A — Application How can I apply this truth to my life today or this week? What needs to change in me?

This week, I want to be more intentional with both my thoughts and my actions. I've realized that saying I have faith in God means very little if the way I live doesn't reflect that faith. I don't want my relationship with Him to exist only in my prayers—I want it to be evident in the way I think, speak, and live each day.

One prayer I've always held close to my heart is to walk through life with Him. Lately, though, I've noticed how far I've drifted. I've become consumed by my own thoughts, my own desires, and my own worries. Instead of holding on to God's truth, I allowed worldly desires, negativity, and anxiety to occupy my mind.

I don't expect to change overnight, but I do want to change—one small step at a time. This week, I want to slow down and become more mindful. Before I react, I want to pause and reflect. Before I let anxious or negative thoughts take root, I want to surrender them to God. I know it won't always be easy, but I want every decision I make to bring me one step closer to becoming the person He is calling me to be.

🙏 P — Prayer

Lord, I pray for Your guidance and wisdom as I navigate each day. Give me the courage to resist worldly desires and the strength to overcome the negative thoughts that seek to steal the hope You've placed in my heart. Help me to guard my mind, fix my eyes on Your truth, and find peace in Your presence.

Grant me discernment to see situations with clarity and to recognize what is pleasing to You. Teach me to be patient, to trust in Your timing, and to choose Your will over my own. May my thoughts, words, and actions reflect my faith, and may I continue to walk closely with You, one faithful step at a time. Amen.

[ukiyomeiso]

Lately, I've been feeling like I've been away for far too long. Away from the One who gives my heart peace. My soul has been starving, and I think that's slowly started to show, not just in my heart, but in my mind and even in my body. I knew I was drifting. I was aware of the distance, yet I kept going anyway. Eventually, it caught up with me.

Tonight, I finally opened my Bible again.

I prayed for wisdom, for clarity, and for God to help me understand what was happening inside me. And in His gentle way, He answered.

I realized that I often tell myself I have faith, that I love God, and that I trust Him. But when I looked at my actions, they weren't always reflecting what I claimed to believe. I kept returning to old habits, chasing temporary comforts, entertaining thoughts that pulled me away from Him instead of drawing me closer.

I think that's what hurts the most.. I wasn't lost because I didn't know better. I was fully aware. I knew when I was choosing my own desires over surrender. I knew when I was feeding my mind with things that didn't bring me peace. And still, I chose them.

But maybe that's exactly why grace feels so overwhelming.

Even after wandering, God still welcomed me back. No condemnation. Just an open invitation to return.

Tonight reminded me that coming back to Him is never about perfection. It's simply about saying, "Lord, I'm here again."

And somehow... that was enough to bring peace back into my heart.

I'm so grateful I listened to that quiet nudge tonight and opened my Bible.

[ukiyomeiso]

The past few days have been a reminder of how much the little things can affect both my body and my mind.

I took a break from my usual afternoon walks and jogs because of the nonstop rainy weather. During my last few walks, I came home completely soaked, and now that the skies have finally cleared and the afternoons are beautiful again, I'm dealing with a painful ear infection. The pain radiates from my ear to my head and neck, making it difficult to sleep without taking pain medication. It's frustrating to finally have the perfect weather but not be well enough to enjoy it.

One thing I noticed while staying indoors was how quickly my mood changed. The longer I stayed home, the more I found myself overthinking everything. It made me realize just how much my daily afternoon walks contribute to my mental well-being. I used to think of them as simple exercise, but they're so much more than that. They help quiet my mind, regulate my emotions, and give me the space to breathe.

Another realization I've had lately is how easily I've fallen into being materialistic. I catch myself endlessly browsing online shops and Facebook Marketplace, adding things to my cart on impulse. But when I pause and look around my home, I'm reminded of how much I already have. I have more than enough, and I'm incredibly blessed. That moment of gratitude has been a gentle reminder that contentment isn't found in buying more things but in appreciating what's already in front of me.

My mental health has been a roller coaster recently, and I have to admit that I haven't always handled it well. Without realizing it, I started taking out my frustrations on my fiancé. That realization hit me one afternoon when I finally slowed down, sat with my thoughts, and reflected on the past few days. It wasn't an easy thing to admit, but it was an important one. He deserves my patience just as much as I deserve understanding.

I'm looking forward to the day I'm fully healed. My ear is still swollen, and the pain hasn't completely gone away, but I can't wait to get back outside. Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a short, gentle stroll—nothing too strenuous, just enough to clear my head and help regulate my emotions.

Living with ADHD means my mind is rarely quiet. Thoughts come and go at a speed that can feel overwhelming at times. But I'm learning that awareness is one of the greatest tools I have. I can't always control how many thoughts enter my mind, but I can choose how I respond to them. And sometimes, all it takes is a quiet walk, fresh air, and a little grace for myself to find my way back.

[ukiyomeiso]

Sometimes you just need someone to be happy--or sad-- along with you.

Claudia Parr (Baby Proof)

[ukiyomeiso]

It's funny how I open up more here than I do to my own partner.

Ironically, he's my partner, but it doesn't always feel that way. At least not emotionally. He's a great provider, and I appreciate everything he does for us. But emotionally, he's been absent for quite some time now. Maybe he doesn't know how to show it, or maybe he simply doesn't care as much as I wish he would.

Sometimes I wonder if he sees me as too emotional or dramatic. Whenever I was feeling down, he used to be my confidant, the person I could turn to without hesitation. But over time, I've learned that he isn't that person for me anymore, and that's been one of the hardest things to accept.

[landsccape]

[ukiyomeiso]

Last night, we had a conversation that has been weighing heavily on my heart. He told me that something has changed within him. He said he no longer feels the same way he once did when it comes to communicating with me. According to him, it all began during his last visit home—the period marked by our constant disagreements and misunderstandings.

What hurt the most was hearing him say that he felt uncared for because I didn't cook for him. The comment lingered in my mind long after our conversation ended. I know there were times when I didn't cook, but I also remember the many times that I did. It feels painful when the moments I tried seem overshadowed by the moments I fell short.

Even though we're miles apart now, I still carry the exhaustion and anxiety from that difficult season. The tension, the hurt, and the emotional weight of those days never fully left me. Sometimes it feels as though we're both looking back at the same experience through different lenses, each carrying wounds the other cannot fully see.

Right now, I don't know what else to do. I've spent so much time replaying our conversations, questioning my actions, and wondering where things began to unravel. All I know is that I care deeply, and it hurts to feel that my love and efforts have been misunderstood. For now, all I can do is sit with these feelings, pray for clarity, and hope that, in time, we both find our way back to understanding each other.

[quotefeeling]

“Sometimes you have to be silent as no words can express what you’re feeling deep inside.”

— Unknown

[ukiyomeiso]

I feel like no matter how much i tried my best to explain in words no one still gets it. I'd rather keep it all inside.

[ukiyomeiso]

We had a conversation about how we were from his last stay with me. That stay was the most difficult time we had so far in our relationship where there's not a day past without fighting or disagreements.

That phase was hard for the both of us. We learned so much about each other that we do not agree on. I'm confrontational while he avoids it.

At this point I'll surrender it all to God and let His will be done. My mind is too much to handle it all.

[perfectquote]

“To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.”

— Unknown

[ukiyomeiso]

The kind of intimacy ive been longing for recently.

[perfectquote]

“To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.”

— Unknown

[ukiyomeiso]

A Heart Learning to Surrender

Here I am again, lying awake with my thoughts racing through my mind.

Lately, they have been stirring up feelings of doubt and insecurity, especially when it comes to my relationship. Our situation has always been one of my deepest insecurities. We've been living together for years now, and while there is so much love between us, there are moments when I find myself caught between hope and disappointment.

I understand that our financial situation has played a big part in why we have not officially tied the knot yet. I know life has not been easy, and I know there are practical reasons behind the delay. But if I'm being honest with myself, there is a small, hidden part of me that wonders if I am the only one who gets excited about the thought of marriage. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one thinking about it.

He has promised me that we will get married one day, and I hold on to that promise. Yet as the months pass, I notice that he rarely or never brings up the subject or initiates conversations about our future wedding. The silence has slowly become a source of anxiety for me.

I find myself asking difficult questions. What if he isn't truly ready? What if he only feels obligated because of our current situation? What if, under different circumstances, marriage wouldn't even be on his mind right now?

I've tried my best to bury these insecurities and focus on the good things in our relationship. I remind myself of his love, his loyalty, and all the ways he shows up for me every day. But sometimes, despite my efforts, these thoughts find their way back into my heart. The longer the silence lasts, the louder my fears become.

A conversation we had about his ex has also lingered in my mind. He once gave her a ring, and to me, a ring has always symbolized a promise of something deeper and more intentional. He has reassured me countless times that it meant nothing significant, yet there are moments when my heart struggles to fully accept that explanation.

God knows everything that has been weighing on my heart lately. He sees the tears I don't shed, the questions I don't ask out loud, and the fears I try so hard to silence. It saddens me more than I care to admit, but despite it all, I still choose hope.

I know God hears my prayers. I know He understands the desires of my heart better than anyone else ever could. And so today, I choose to surrender these worries to Him. I release my fears, my doubts, and my need for certainty.

Whatever His will is for my life, I trust that it will be far better than anything I could force or plan on my own.

For now, I will continue to love, to hope, and to wait with faith.

[thoughtkick]

“To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.”

— Unknown