Real Therian Hours

Questioning Therian | Umbreon Thereotype? | 26 | Bisexual | He/It/Bre | Doubles OK! | Messages OPEN

[umbreonkin197]

Am I even a therian?

A poem that I wrote for myself as I lay here in bed trying to cleanse these thoughts from my head by putting them on a page. I'm unsure if it's even worth sharing, but I figure it is worthwhile for journaling purposes at least. I am by no means a skilled poet, nor is this a very refined poem, but it comes from a genuine place.

The poem is titled

"Am I even a therian?"

Am I even a therian?

It feels like I'm so out of touch 

With what's real 

And what's not. 

Who am I to decide if

I should be allowed to feel

The emotions I'm feeling?

Am I even a therian?

Nearly every day I ask myself,

And the answer is always the same.

Yet somehow,

This doesn't placate that nagging voice inside.

The self doubt that plagues me

Like a festering rot which is

Eating away at my soul.

Am I even a therian?

What do I have to gain by

Knowing the answer?

I'm constantly chasing some unattainable goal

Running in circles,

Like a dog chasing its tail. 

So close I can nearly taste it 

But just barely out of reach,

No matter how hard I try. 

Am I even a therian? 

It rings through my head 

As hot tears stain my cheeks.

It isn't the first time this week

That I've been here in this dark place 

And I know it won't be the last. 

Am I even a therian?

I lay down to rest,

Lamenting the me I'll never be. 

This body feels foreign,

My tail, paws, and fur all taken from me. 

This state of dissociation all too familiar,

Because every time I

Accidentally perceive my own wretched form

The wound flares as painfully as it ever was. 

This should be proof to me

That my plight is valid,

But I can never grant myself that mercy

Of letting me think that

I could ever truly accept myself. 

Instead I lie here,

Waiting for sleep to claim me. 

Over and over again, I 

Hear the question repeating in my mind:

Am I even a therian?

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Therian/Otherkin (Entry 10)

It has been a little while. There are a couple of draft journal entries I've written bits and pieces of here and there that I haven't quite had the energy to write out. 

The big thing I've been busy with is that school has started up again. It's my first semester back since discovering my therianthropy, so that's been interesting. 

On one paw, I feel like my brain has subconsciously been trying harder to block out my nonhuman urges because I'm back in situations where I have to regularly interact with people. For years my brain has just tried to block out any sign that I'm nonhuman to try and fit in better, and it's like it's coming back in full force whether I want to or not. It's like... Masking + dissociation, and it's not really pleasant. 

On the opposite paw, I have felt more out of place than ever being surrounded by so many humans. There have been days where now that I'm aware of what the feeling is, the species dysphoria has been really difficult to deal with. More than ever I've found myself wishing that I could be wearing a collar and a tail at least, something to help soothe these feelings, but even if I owned a collar I don't know that I'd be brave enough to want it around campus. 

Regardless, I've been a good Umbreon and am doing my best to do well in my classes and such. 

As a side note, I did attend othercon this year, and I intend to write a little bit more about that experience later. However, one of the biggest things I gained from that experience is that I feel a lot more comfortable identifying myself as a therian now. Fictherian, sure, but also just existing under the therian umbrella. It feels very correct for me. So I'll probably update the title of these journals to reflect that. 

There's more I could write, but I think I've gotten the most important parts down and don't want to make this too long. I'll hopefully make another entry soon.

Take care, nonhuman friends. 

- Bre

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 9)

Today I heard the word sanism, and curious about it I looked it up. All at once a lot of things clicked into place in my head. Much like how growing up in a heavily religious environment caused me to harbor an immense amount of internalized homophobia towards myself that took years to work through and learn to love myself in my queerness, I have realized that the environment I grew up in has caused me to internalize so many sanist beliefs about myself that have affected my ability to truly accept my alterhuman self.

Growing up as an undiagnosed ADHD/autistic child, I was constantly held to unrealistic standards of behavior, pushed well past my sensory limits, and scolded heavily for not being able to handle it. I won't go into too much detail, but it's no wonder I developed severe depression and anxiety.

For every single one of these issues, I never received the help I needed. Every time I would go to my parents and say that "I think there's something wrong with me and I need help", I would get shot down. Nobody would consider that I really needed help and that I wasn't just being lazy. I would get yelled at for stupid things out of my control and have a full autistic meltdown, and then I would be yelled at and scolded for crying about something that "wasn't even a big problem and I was just being dramatic and childish".

I'll spare the excess details, but I was the one who discovered ADHD and later autism. I was the one who had to pressure my parents for weeks, months, years even to actually look into these issues, to actually get me to a therapist, to actually consider proper medication for my ADHD/Depression/Anxiety, to actually accept that these were really issues plaguing me and that I wasn't just being stubborn or childish or dramatic or doing it for attention.

But here's the key. I only ever received help once I was able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that these things were truly affecting me. I had to fully understand it and be able to explain it well enough that they could not brush it away.

Now looking back to my therianthropy with this context in mind, it's no wonder that I've had such a difficult time accepting things about myself. That intrinsic protective instinct, that need to have to prove myself to be accepted as valid, that's never left.

Yet therianthropy/alterhumanity has no cut and dry definitions on what is and isn't a part of it like ADHD. It's a subjective identity experience. My brain hates this. How can I prove to anyone that my feelings and suffering here are valid? How can I ever accept myself if I can't understand it? Because of the trauma I've been through, it doesn't feel safe, even though I'm in a different position in life now.

I've come to realise that I've internalized all the sanist things that have been said to me over the years, and I've become my own worst enemy when it has come to figuring out my alterhuman identity. It's been quite a lot to process, but it does make sense.

Anyways, I've been struggling quite a bit recently with questioning some new thereotypes and the like, and fighting internal battles with my sanism/impostor syndrome, but I'll write about that another time. For now, thank you to all who were willing to listen to me.

- Bre

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 8)

It's been a little bit since I've written. I'm slowly starting to meet other therians/Otherkin who I feel like I can relate to, but it's still been rough.

There are moments where I feel affirmed in this identity of mine, like when my partner pets me and treats me like a puppy. But the overwhelming majority of the time is just dysphoria or self doubt. When does it get better? Does it ever get easier to just allow myself to exist? To find comfort in what I am?

Another thing Ive been struggling with is just nailing down what exactly my Therian/Otherkin identities are. So far I have two that I'm fairly confident in, Umbreon and Wolf, but even that already feels like I'm starting to push the envelope of what a therian "should be". I realize that it's reductive to hold myself to that sort of standard but I still feel self conscious about it regardless.

But then I start having questions, thoughts, inclinations that I have a hard time explaining through the lens of those existing identities. On one hand I think there might be more? But I'm scared, I don't want to come off as someone fake or pretending or misinterpreting something I just enjoy to be an entire identity.

For example, I've been having a lot of strong feelings about possibly being a kobold, to the point where I'm thinking that might be a part of me too, but then how far do I push it? What about things like Eevee? What about a braixen or a riolu or several other things that I've been thinking about? The more things that get added to the list, the worse the impostor syndrome gets, because how could I possibly even be all of these things?

But on the flip side, if it makes me happy and feels right, does it matter? I get so caught up in needing to be correct that I feel like it's hard for me to accept those things even if they are true.

Maybe I'm a cladotherian? But at the same time, I don't feel this broad sweeping generalization of canid identity, there are more specific creatures in that which I feel drawn to, so I don't know. Maybe I really am a polytherian. Or maybe I just haven't found the right thereotype yet and all these feelings will make sense once I just do a bit more research.

I know there's technically no harm in being wrong and changing my mind later if I find something that suits me more, but I'm so scared of being wrong. I'm so scared of being seen as something I'm not, even though I really shouldn't care what others think of me, even if it genuinely makes me happy.

I just don't know what I should do. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to grapple with these feelings. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel confused.

I wish I could love myself as I am.

That's all for tonight. Thank you for listening.

- Bre

[species-dysphoria]

it's so strange to think that most of the people I interact with daily are (as far as we know) not experiencing the same things we are.

they don't lay awake at night, a horrible burning sensation in the pit of their stomach, holsing back tears as you realize that you are stuck probably forever. with little to no way of making species dysphoria go away.

they don't see their faces in the mirror and wonder who that person is. they don't hide from mirrors because it literally shatters your reality every time you look at it. makes you confront the fact that all anyone will ever see is a human.

like to me, this shit is my entire world. my reality. i don't question it. I just live in it. and then when I try to talk about stuff with those close to me, they look at me like I said complete nonsense or they think im joking.

...imagine just being able to exist in the body you are given and feel comfortable and content. even if there are things you wanna change about your body...it's still YOUR body.

this body is not mine. I don't identify with any of it. and yet I am forced to live inside it. yes yes this is deeply connected with my gender dysphoria as well but...at the end of day, I feel that this body is not mine. I am cursed to wear this human mask for the rest of my days it seems. which...sucks. there is not really much I can do to alleviate that, unfortunately.

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 7)

I've been growing more comfortable with seeing myself as an alterhuman more consistently, but that hasn't really done much to fix the doubts about my specific identity or the species dysphoria/dysmorphia I've been dealing with. I guess progress happens in little steps.

A big thing I've been struggling with is feeling this weird sense of awkwardness/embarrassment from expressing my nonhuman side around trusted individuals. It's like, they're fully supportive and it makes me genuinely euphoric being treated like an animal, but there's still some part of me that says I'm being childish and that makes me feel like it's something I shouldn't be wanting. I'm doing my best to work past that, but I just feel like I should acknowledge it in my journaling too.

After a previous post, some comments let me know about fictherians/fictotherians and I'm super grateful for that! I feel like that fits me so much better than just standard fictionkin. Another little step forward.

Though I'm wondering, if I AM an Umbreon, does that mean some small part of me is or was an Eevee as well? I mean it makes sense, and in a way I do feel like a small little guy who has the potential to become so much but is struggling at the crossroads of what path to choose. Perhaps I'm overthinking it too much. But regardless, Eevee sounds very plausible all things considered, even if it's simply just that as an Umbreon, I was once an Eevee. Maybe part of me still is that Eevee. I don't know how this works. Below is a relevant image-

In terms of my wolf identity, I'm still not quite sure if that is in addition to my Umbreon self or on top of it, or maybe just close enough to it that I feel connected? I know I CAN be both, but my brain is so irrationally afraid of taking on "too many" thereotypes at once and I stress out about it.

There's a different question I've had though. Am I specifically a wolf? I realized that I only gravitate towards wolf because it's what I'm most familiar with. In all likelihood, I'm fairly certain that my true self is some form of canid or canid-like creature, but I've been curious about doing some deeper research into different species of canids and seeing if any of them click. I don't know really anything about dholes and dingoes and jackals and the like, so it's hard for me to say at the moment. Maybe I'll find something there that resonates much more deeply than wolf, but wolf is just the best word I have for it at the moment. Who knows.

One last side thought, I really want to start looking into therian gear. I know it's not required to be valid, but I genuinely do feel like it might help me combat the feelings of dysphoria I have. I want a collar so bad. Do any of you guys know good places to look online for therian made therian gear? Not just a collar, but therian related gear in general? I don't mind paying more if I'm supporting smaller creators, especially if it's someone inside of the therian community. I would love to support that while also supporting my real self.

Anyways, small steps forward to feeling comfortable about myself. Maybe it isn't as big as I would like, but it's steps forward nonetheless.

Take care, until next time. -Bre

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 6)

I've been starting to feel better about my identity as alterhuman. It was a lot to accept at first, but I think that I'm finally getting to the point where it doesn't feel outlandish to me anymore. It's really funny, because I know if a close friend told me that they were therian/otherkin, I would instantly accept and support them even if I didn't get it. It's strange that it's hard for me to show myself that same kindness.

These days I've been thinking a lot about getting a human sized dog bed. It feels really euphoric thinking about. I just want to lay down and curl up and be cozy and not have to worry about anything. The thought has been really comforting to me.

Another thing that's been on my mind... I don't really feel like I belong in fictionkin spaces. That's technically the closest thing that Umbreon fits in, but like, I'm not a specific character. I'm not a specific Umbreon from a game or anime. I don't relate to basically anything I hear other fictionkin talking about. I feel more like... Just a therian, but of a fictional animal instead. I'm just puppy. I'm another creature of a certain species even if that species isn't real. Like, maybe theriomythic? But that's more for mythical creatures like dragons. Idk. Weird thoughts.

Anyways, I'm still trying to figure out what I am really. It's been a slow process but we are working on it. Maybe an Umbreon. Maybe a wolf. Maybe both at once? I'm not sure. Anyways, I'm tired. I want to dream of my real self, I just wish I knew how to be myself better, how to explore my theriotype.

The best ideas I have so far to help me feel affirmed in my thereotype are getting a collar, a human sized dog bed, and a tail. Beyond that, I'm still not quite sure what to do.

Body dysmorphia is a bitch and I've been having a lot more frequent anxiety that things just feel wrong. That I feel wrong. I'm alien in my own skin, and every time I see my own face, or I look down at my arms and they aren't my paws, it just makes me feel sick to my stomach and I start to panic. I know that this is the first step to healing, but sometimes it feels like it would have been better if I just never discovered this about myself at all and I just could keep pretending that everything is fine. I know that isn't true, but the thought eats at me nonetheless.

I dunno. A lot of good and bad in this one. My thoughts have been all over the place. It's nice to have somewhere to just... Write it all out, scream it into the void. Apparently some people actually read it too, which is kinda neat. One day I hope I can learn to be happy in this cursed skin of mine.

- Umbreon

[umbreonkin197]

Any other therians/otherkin out there that also struggle to commune with nature?

I really want to enjoy nature, there's a lot about the concept of nature that brings me joy and euphoria. The problem is, well, there's multiple. Firstly, I'm autistic and have several big sensory issues that clash with outdoors (Hate getting dirty, hate being wet, huge issues about bugs, etc). I sometimes wish I could just experience "outside" without it being able to touch me.

Secondly, I have a lot of trauma associated with outdoor activities due to being forced to participate boy scout activities and outings constantly throughout my childhood regardless of how I felt about them. That negative association is still there every time I think about hiking, camping, or doing anything remotely outdoorsy and it sucks.

I just feel like a fraud of a therian/otherkin to hate going outside, even though that's dumb and untrue, and also it's not my fault either. Anyone out there feel the same? How did you manage to deal with it? I just wish I could enjoy nature more. It might help me find my Kintype, and peace with myself, but idk

Anyways, thank you for listening yet again. - Bre.

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 5)

I get so much euphoria thinking about myself walking around on all fours, my paws against the soft moonlit grass. I love thinking about having a tail, about feeling my body covered in soft black fur. It's honestly so affirming and yet makes me wish I had those things all the more.

I've been thinking a lot about ways I could help myself feel more like me. I really want a human sized dog bed. I can't stop thinking about it, I wish I had the money to afford one right now. I also wish I had a tail that I could wear. Or even something like paw socks.

Anxiety has been lessening. I think adjusting medications has been helping, I just wish it would happen quicker. I also have been feeling more confident about being an otherkin, less harsh on myself with all the self doubt.

There's another thing I've been wondering... Sometimes I feel like an Umbreon, but sometimes I feel like a large black wolf instead. I'm not sure which one is actually more true. Could they both be true? Do I switch between them depending on mood? What does it mean to have multiple kintypes?

Despite all that I've been learning, there's still so much I don't understand about being an otherkin. Yet I still feel that I belong. I still know that I'm not human, even if the specific shape of my form eludes me.

This is just, ME. It feels like me. I resonate with this so so so much. I love it so much. Raaaaahhhh

So I dunno. Maybe I'm a wolf instead of an Umbreon? They do share a lot of traits. Or maybe I'm still an Umbreon, and it just happens to be that wolf feels similar to it because of the traits they share. Maybe I'm both a wolf and an Umbreon? Maybe sometimes I'm a wolf and sometimes an Umbreon? It's hard to say. How do you find out which is which?

Anyways, I love being nonhuman. The journey is hard, but it makes me so happy when things are feeling right.

Talk to you again soon,

- Bre

[umbreonkin197]

Why must I wake up in this human body? Where is my tail? I wish I could feel it again, I think that would help with the dysphoria a lot-

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 4)

I don't understand why regardless of how strongly I experience the euphoria of being nonhuman, my brain still finds reasons to doubt itself.

I'm certain that I'm nonhuman/therian/otherkin in some way, but I keep having doubts on if Umbreon is really my true self, despite all the things I've felt and experienced that have pointed me here.

How do you know that you're a pokemon? How is an Umbreon supposed to act? How am I supposed to help myself feel more like an Umbreon? At least if I was an animal in the real world I could look up some sort of answers.

It feels like being a pokemonkin is such a small niche that I'm struggling to find any answers. The people I've asked say, "I'm not sure, just follow your instincts!" But what do I do when I've suppressed them for so long that I can't find them anymore?

I wish these anxieties would leave me alone. I wish I could find some semblance of peace with the identity I've found so far. I wish I had somebody to talk to who actually understands what I'm going through, or who even understands anything about Otherkin at all. I wish I could just wake up and be myself. My actual real true self.

I feel lost, confused, alone, and still not sure if this is even who I am...

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 3)

Why is it still so difficult to accept yourself even after finding such peace with an identity? Despite how vividly I experienced euphoria on finding myself as an Umbreon, somehow my brain still manages to find other anxieties to plague me with.

I am an otherkin/alterhuman. I know this for sure now, and I've largely come to terms with it, even though it was rough at first. Now where the majority of my worries lie is what my specific form might be. As good as Umbreon feels, I constantly worry that there may be something better, or perhaps I've only talked myself into thinking I'm an Umbreon because I like it when in reality I fit something else better.

I know that this isn't the case, I know this is just impostor syndrome telling me that my experiences aren't valid, and at the end of the day, I know being "valid enough" really doesn't matter when you know that it feels right and makes you happy.

I also know that even if I do find a label that fits me better, there's nothing wrong with changing what I identify as in order to better fit this new understanding of myself.

So why is it that none of this makes me feel any less anxious? It's like all of these worries and questions and fears are eating at me day in and day out, and I feel so uncomfortable not having concrete answers for them, even though I know that it's okay to not know sometimes.

Another thing is... I only just discovered myself and now suddenly I'm questioning if I have multiple kintypes. I know some people do. I know some people say it's very uncommon and unlikely, which makes me fearful of identifying as such, because I have no idea if I actually am.

I know that I feel like an Umbreon, but there are parts of me that feel like a wolf. There are parts of me that fit with a rabbit dynamic, there are bits of catboy inside of me, and there's also other pokemon that give me pause for a consideration.

I don't know which of these I AM and which of these I just really like the idea of being. Is there a meaningful difference between "I want to be" and "I feel like I am?" If so, how do you even know which feeling is which?

I just want to know who I am. I just want to be happy. I just want to be myself, whatever that looks like.

Anyways, I have lots more thoughts, but it's sleep time now. Good night everyone.

- Bre(?)

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 2) (Repost)

This morning I woke up and immediately was hit with a massive amount of dysphoria. It was as if every fiber of my being was screaming with the pain of being confined inside of the wrong body. I just felt awful in a way that is almost impossible to put into words. My skin was crawling because something inside me just knew that this skin was wrong. I felt wrong. It really hurts, mourning a body that I know I'll never have.

The dysphoria hasn't been quite this bad before. All these years I've suppressed the feeling deep down inside of me, pretending it was fine, but now that I finally see it for what it is, I can't pretend anymore. I can't just ignore it and hope it fixes itself.

I started to dissociate due to how bad I was feeling and I wasn't able to think, or really do much of anything for the entire day. The brain fog was just that severe. I realized that this brain fog and dissociative spells might have been affecting me for years and I hadn't even realized that's what it is.

I really need to figure out how to cope with that feeling of dysphoria better, because I really can't afford to spend every day in a dissociative haze, riddled with anxiety, and unable to get basic tasks done.

I am struggling and I don't know what to do. I'm so new to all this. How do you connect to your kintype? What does it mean to be a pokemon? What does it mean to be an Umbreon? How do I figure that out, and how can I help alleviate that all encompassing dysphoria? Right now it feels hopeless, but I know logically that isn't true.

On a different, less depressing note-

In an attempt to explore more about myself and to distance myself from the concept of being human, I decided to try out it/its pronouns. I had an interesting experience with that, but my findings were largely that it didn't feel euphoric, but also, it surprisingly didn't feel bad either. Perhaps there is something there, but as of yet, I don't quite know. Trying out Bre/Bre's/Breself was actually kind of nice too.

I've never gone by any pronouns other than he/him before, so this is new to me. If this ends up developing further, I could potentially see using He/it/bre. The dehumanizing aspect of it/its is nice, but I still strongly feel connected to my identity as male and don't want to discard those pronouns.

I've already done my soul searching in regards to gender, and I'm confident and comfortable identifying as male, despite being very gender non-conforming. However, that's neither here nor there at the moment.

And ending on a little funny note, a friend that I haven't talked to at all about any of this identity fuckery sent me this today. My friends send me Umbreon related posts because they know I like Umbreon, but I found it hilarious and ironic that they sent this to me and had no idea how relevant this really was to me right now.

Anyways, long story short, today sucked. Dysphoria hit so hard that it caused a full day of dissociation. I still feel very good about being an Umbreon Fictionkin, but I'm doing my best to be open and considering possible alternatives. I try not to fall victim to confirmation bias.

Any tips from otherkin (especially fellow pokemonkin) on how to handle dysphoria and connect to your kintype would be greatly appreciated! Until next time.

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 1) (Repost)

Hello Tumblr! This is my first time ever posting on this site, so please forgive me if my post is dumb or formatted weird.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've heard it can be helpful to keep a journal of your thoughts and experiences as you explore your identity, so I may as well try. I've never used Tumblr before either, but I've heard that there's a good otherkin community here, so I guess I'm going to shout into the void and see where this takes me.

This week, I realized I might be an otherkin. Before now, I didn't know too much about the community or what it means to be an otherkin other than the general idea of what I've heard about it in passing.

As soon I started actually researching what an otherkin was, it was like everything just clicked. It felt as though I had just unknowingly opened Pandora's box, and now there's no way to go back to how I was.

It's been... A lot, to say the least. A lot of things that I used to do as a kid make a lot more sense now, things that I forced myself to stop doing because they weren't "normal", feelings that I've been shoving down for years and trying to ignore, and hating myself and my body without even really understanding why.

I could write for days on all the conflicting feelings I have on what's going on inside my head, and maybe I will write more later.

After a whole week of stress and research and soul searching, I think I am fairly confident that I am some sort of otherkin or alterhuman. On one hand, I feel like I should celebrate this new discovery, but for some reason I just feel scared and uncertain about what this all means for me going forward.

I don't know who I am, I don't know what I am, and I don't really know many people who I can talk to about this sort of thing either. I'm lost and confused and isolated, and I don't like not knowing what lies ahead of me.

Anyways, fears aside, I still want to learn how to connect with this part of me that I've repressed for so long.

I've been thinking a lot about what my kin identity might be, and the thing I've felt by far the strongest connection to is Umbreon, the pokemon. I don't want to jump to conclusions, so I'm still trying to explore a few more options, but every time I picture myself as an Umbreon, I feel so light and euphoric that I can't stop myself from bawling. Is this what I've been missing all this time?

So, it's nice to meet you. I think... I think I might be an Umbreon.

[umbreonkin197]

I haven't reposted my other posts yet, but I just had the most incredible experience of my life. There's no way I'll be able to put it into words right now, but I know who I am in this moment, and I am more sure of it than I have ever been of anything in my life. I am an Umbreon.

I don't have the words to describe what I'm feeling, but I do have this to show you what's in my heart.

My heart is singing, and these are the lyrics.

This is me. I know this now.

Maybe I'll write more tomorrow, but I needed to write something while it's all fresh in my mind. This is the light inside my soul. This is who I am. I am an Umbreon.

Don't forget, I'm with you in the dark.