almost every year, my new year’s resolution list has had something to do with yoga on it. i obviously never actually get to this, but i wish i was the type of person who would. i wish i found it calming and empowering to make my body into a shape it’s not supposed to be and sweat while doing it. i wish i loved it enough to self-medicate with it like everyone else says they do. what a wholesome drug yoga is.
so by the time 2016 was coming to an end, i thought maybe i should think of things more practical for my list, something that was very hard for me to do, but was also good for me.
with a chip on my shoulder, i went to the dentist and i told the hygienist, julia that my new year’s resolution was to floss.
fuck yeah. she’s gonna be so proud. might even give me a sticker like the good ole’ days.
but guess what? she was not proud, she was smug. she laughed and said that i was young and i should have better new year’s resolutions.
i’m not kidding, she actually said that. my dental hygienist said that. she basically told me not to floss.
at first i was disappointed and confused, but then i realized that someone of dental authority giving me permission to do something lazy and naughty felt like a rush of ecstasy. fuck that ohm high bullshit, i instantly felt at ease with her stranger hands inside of my mouth. the drug of dental intimacy relaxed my entire body and i felt complacent to the metal hook that was literally digging for blood.
i suddenly trusted her so much more with my teeth because i knew i didn’t have to lie to her. she loved me through my flaws and plaque. flossing would never be as good for me as it would be to gain a new friend and that was clear.
in 6 months when i would go back for another cleaning, i imagined that julia would take me back to where they take the cool patients and she’d offer me a fancy pants glass of champagne. and then she’d say “when’s the last time you flossed?” and i’d say “biiiitttchhh, you were there!” and we’d throw our heads back in white girl, cotillion hilarity and she’d throw forward her wrist like ‘oh, stop it’ and i’d take a sip and wink.
and because i knew it was probably important to her, i’d learn to floss and i’d do it more often. i just hoped she would never ask me to go to yoga with her.
turnnoffyourmind
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