Not knowing made her anxious and fearful and she did not want to live a life limited by anxiety and controlled by fear, that is very clear to me and it has also become very clear to me that I live a life that is limited by anxiety and controlled by fear. Iāve been lying so well and living quite convincingly as if that werenāt the case, but last weekās bolt from the blue caused a sizable rupture and I realize I am full of shit really and I donāt know the first thing, or indeed any of the things after it, I donāt understand at all why my life is the way it is, I donāt think I have chosen anything, I donāt think I have been guided by internal forces one bit, yet Iāll sit there and say, over and over, that I have been, when actually I am a mess that is full of shit but perhaps I am only writing that because it feels dramatic and gratifying, as if Iām really expressing something, because actually I am angry, I am angry because it is frustrating, trying to understand, trying to be completely honest, trying to express anything with any certainty is impossible and that is very frustrating, I donāt even know whether to trust my feelings, I like being dramatic, I like the way it feels, so how trustworthy are my feelings, perhaps I distort all of my feelings, heighten them, so that I can feel dramatic, and by the way the rain is beating down on the skylight just above, absolutely beating down and now I see a tiny stone, small hard icy stones in June are beating down just there above my head and that is very dramatic and why do I like feeling dramatic, what does feeling dramatic even mean, it means I am a furnace, eternal powers course through me, my whole body feels potent and invincible, my glance alone could shatter anything it fell upon, I transcend all the questions, I feel absolutely wild and my hands have come to life.
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