weird shit

yes there are things wrong with me thank you. 18+

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i think he's just forgotten about me and Im still thinking about him ten times a day

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i think you'd like this song

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the past few years ive hated my own birthday.

im not scared of growing old. i didn't have any event which made me hate it.

i started to just hate when it's about me. i felt uncomfortable when people showed that they cared. i didn't like that special treatment.

i used to run away the moment i feel like people personally cared about me. im doing better at that but for some reason i just. still dont feel any less hatred of my own birthday. im not sure why anymore.

today is the furthest point of the year from my birthday, or my "half birthday" if you will. isnt that a coincidence. our half birthdays are eachothers birthdays. sorry to point this out but that's why i remembered

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its kinda messed up how despite everything and even though you did everything right people will still accuse you of shitty things

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i didn't deserve any of this shit. im slowly drifting further from "i fucked up and deserved at least part of it" but. man. i didn't overstep boundaries i did all i could to not do anything bad and when i did feel as if i was pushing too much, i took myself out of the situation. i informed others too just to be safe. i had horrible mental health and when i stepped back to improve it and fixed things i was shot with 200 different things to make it worse.

i haven't recovered. i think about what happened with wick at least 7 fucking times a day. more often than the fact i was genuinely groomed at 14. i think about it more often than the fact i got sexually assaulted 3 months ago. I just. it wont end. to most people i just am that now. i don't want that to happen again, I don't want to hurt anyone again but I wasn't given the fucking space to change.

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i think. i first started talking to him, because i just. i saw myself. i knew thats how i felt and how i acted at that age. i saw him not being treated well and he reacted the same way i would have and express thoughts like i used to have.

because just. how similar he felt i started introducing more of myself to him, and it just he was similar. we kept agreeing on things, we had similar interests, we interpreted things similar, we had opinions on others we shared, all that. by kinda nearing the end it was just. we were friends. i saw him not as someone to help but as an equal. i talked to him because it was just fun. and then i just. got scared. i got scared im thinking im TOO much like him, i started dumping my own problems and dealing with them badly and just.

i did. i trusted him that he was okay with everything. hell he even convinced me he was okay a few times when i thought he was just being nice and actually wanting me to fuck off. it was just. i just couldn't stay there because i felt like it wasn't healthy for me.

i said a billion times publicly that oh what i was doing was wrong and i was hurting him. but like fuck me dude. has he said that? no he's said publicly like twice that he didnt give a shit about the porn (feel free to retract that statement and ill delete this if you see it). it was just me leaving him and handling everything badly. it wasn't anything i did, it was "oh but what if i was secretly a pedophile the whole time". christ i dont fucking know i shouldnt post this but fuckin. idk. i just miss being friends man.

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i forgive you. even if you don't forgive me or you never will. i forgive you. i always did. i lost so many friends, i hate the things i used to love, i feel some of my future paths i wanted to to have are now just completely inaccessible. but i forgive you. i don't hate you. i never did.

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looking through my old tweets

i think at the time it was because i was 15 and there was a 20 year old crushing on me and i was looking for a way out i think.

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ive started to have enough mental problems that theve started to cause my brain to just shut down and think everything is fine. ive felt fine the past few days. but there's this void in my head now. something should be there. i should be feeling things. but i dont. everything is fine. it isn't. i think my brain lobotomized itself just to feel better but i can feel that absense so strongly. something should be there.

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i miss playing toys

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i talked with my therapist today i think im finally gonna talk about what happened with them next appointment

every time i just think about how they tried to force me into therapy and said they were going to call the police on me if i didn't.

the actual therapist is telling me to take my time and not saying to rush it. and i just. aughhh. it's still just so hard

i would have went to therapy so much earlier if i wasnt threatened about it

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i need second chances. i wish i had just one. i lost so many fuxking people over the past 4 years even before that shit happened. i hate who i was. im not my past. if i fuck up again you can leave again i just need one more chance

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literally what the fuck have i been doing my whole life. I didn't know how to just normally be friends with people oh i can talk about stupid porn shit and be weird. i didn't even fucking like it.

it's just what i felt like was the easiest way to be friends with people because i had no social skills. oh i can just be the friend that you can talk about weird and horny stuff to. i can just use that in place of a personality.

I'd just talk about increasingly more and more weird shit because it felt like it just made me more interesting and more likely to talk to me if they're into it. i dont even know if im into any of this stuff.

I've ruined my life 3 times over because of this stupid shit.

did you know when i was 14 years old i was stuck with someone over 21 who straight up told me he had a crush on me and said he wanted to walk into traffic when i first started questioning being aro/ace? did you know he would send me porn and tell me all the ways he wanted to fuck me? and i went along with it because i didnt want to hurt him i just wanted to be a friend. i just wanted someone to talk to about weird shit.

i didnt fucking think about myself until it got too much. i don't know where he is anymore. i told people around and he lost friends but i never made anything about it publically.

I did what i did later on because i fucking knew what it was like to be the person on the other side. i missed him because i was treated like an adult and i could talk to him about anything when nobody else did. but he was also fucking horrible to me in every other way and to this day thats why im constantly so fucking hesitant about everything. I don't want to push myself onto others i wanted to just be that person you could talk to about things.

"are you sure you're okay with this" "you dont have to talk about this if you don't want to" "are you uncomfortable right now, it's fine we can stop" thats what i wanted to hear. to this day he's the reason every time i talk about anything weird im constantly fucking scared of doing anything to hurt anyone. and repeating these three things over and over.

I felt i was different. (i thought?) i knew what hurt and what was bad and what wasnt. when i had that situation but with someone else, and with me as the adult, i avoided everything horrible he did but i broke. i was so fucking scared of doing what he did i just blew up and burned down everything. i shouldn't have done it in the first place anyway.

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im sorry this blog has kinda ended up as a vent blog as you see im an attention whore

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this is the ghost of vaultnfolley OooOOoooooh 👻👻👻👻...

come back there's no splatoon sex anymore this famdom boring as hell

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actually dont splatoon sucks. but you can come back if you want

[underalterna]

this is the ghost of vaultnfolley OooOOoooooh 👻👻👻👻...

come back there's no splatoon sex anymore this famdom boring as hell