Have you ever been disappointed with yourself? Like, you made a mistake that turned your life upside down and you can’t forgive yourself for it, kept thinking of what have you been doing now or where are you now if that never happened. The hatred might be kept growing, the sadness filling in, and the big picture became a draft of what it should have been.
I have been fighting with my own for the past 3 - 4 years and kept listening to the same old melody that sometimes drowns me from sadness and anger. The disappointment I drew in myself had a great impact on my well-being. The disappointment I drew in my family killed me right the moment I knew that I was pregnant. I know how proud my family is of all the achievements I received in life, they support me in every challenge that hit me hard and pushed me to get up and be someone better than the old me, and then the news came to them like a heartbreaking moment to all of us - dreams shattered instantly. It was a very difficult situation. I felt like dying every day, then I felt like I’m not getting enough support from the person I thought is responsible to take care of everything, to be helping me to go through hardships and all. His presence feels like a fire - I can see it but I can’t feel it. There are happy days, don’t get me wrong, but the agonizing days outshine those moments. I was devasted, scared, stressed, depressed, and all the negative feelings that I shouldn’t be feeling if I didn’t commit the mistake I did.
However, every year is an improvement, though. Every year is a step away from the wound and a step toward letting go of my ego and my What ifs in life. I am trying to open up myself to people now, step by step, bit by bit. I still worry if there is someone who will still love me...genuinely love me despite knowing I am a single mom. If I still can be that happy, start anew and accept my mistake is already a part of me until I grow old. I know I overthink a lot, and I know these worries are being erased piece by piece.
Now, I already accepted the fact that I can’t turn back time. Now, I know in myself I’m healed and ready to open up my heart and trust again. I learned the lesson life offered me in a very shocking and challenging way. I just want to be happy, live with no more regrets, better decision-making, love like there’s no tomorrow, express my feelings more but not too much, happily play a new song to give a kickstart to something new, and have someone to peacefully ride the crazy path we’re about to take. I want slow love, to get to know the depth of the person’s heart and mind and to enjoy the talks whether we have boring, tired, happy, or crazy days. And yes, I believe I’m expressive enough introducing myself and the feelings I have inside...but scared at the same time, asking myself if the page matched. Hoping for the best as the days go by.
