Simply Complicated

A place where I can vent and share and have verborhea and not worry about what anyone thinks

[unknown2allbuthim]

No one listens. I won’t repost that no one listens thing but I know it’s true. I can’t take anymore. I’m so sad. I’m so broken.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I know that no one really wants to hear this. I know that I’m almost empty of hope now. The only hope I have is Jesus. He is more than enough. It’s difficult to hold onto this tiny bit of faith. I’m trying y’all. I’m trying. I’m also crying. I’m crying out to Him to somehow save us, to work good from all this.

There’s too much, too too much. We need so much. It’s worse than you think it is. I have been seriously contemplating some very bad choices. This tiny bit of faith is supposed to be enough but so far, nothing good has happened. No solutions just more problems. Every day, multiple times a day, there’s a new problem.

I’m not asking for anything but prayer. If you want details to pray for, I’ll give them to you. The prayers of a righteous man are powerful.

[unknown2allbuthim]

[unknown2allbuthim]

I confess to you I lost faith. I doubted. I wallowed. God forgave. My problems are still real and serious but I am leaning on Him.

I’m not going to tell my people, I will lean on God and let Him provide and if it’s through them, He will tell them to give without me asking.

I’m still so ashamed.

[unknown2allbuthim]

When I die no one will notice and if anyone wonders, they won’t care.

[unknown2allbuthim]

Why is everyone dying? I can’t take the is!

[unknown2allbuthim]

Catharsis

Tears pour from my eyes?

Blood rush from my wrists?

Heal and rise

Take the lifts

Lose all hope?

Hold onto faith

Can I cope?

Seek God’s face

[unknown2allbuthim]

I give up. I’ll never be able to get my above water. Just gonna go ahead and die.

If I lose my car, I lose my job and I will kill myself

[unknown2allbuthim]

This is supposed to be my secret place to vent and cry and release. But judgement is hitting me here too. Maybe it’s me that’s judging me.

Do I need to go all positive here?

My close friend’s husband passed away last night. I’m devastated. I feel terrible for her.

And selfishly, I feel so sad for me too. Too much death, too much and he was too young and suffering. I praise God he’s in Heaven now.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I’m so sad, like deeply sad in a way that can’t be cheered up. I’m anxious about everything. I’m just exhausted with this constant struggle. It’s always this desperation and I just need it to get better.

I swear if one more nasty perv asks to be my sugar daddy just because I’m venting I will stop using this app. I just need a safe place to vent and cry and whine without the judgement without worry friends without worry about men trying to scam me.

[unknown2allbuthim]

-$380 in the bank, more than a week til payday, oh so far behind on all the bills and it’s rent as well.

Not much longer and we can catch up. Maybe a month maybe two and we will finally be okay. Well as long as we don’t have our cars repossessed or our insurance cancelled or our power and phones shut off …

Sent a nice note to all my friends saying I wanted to skip exchanging gifts this year.

Trying not to freak out. Failing.

The first Christmas without dad and we can’t afford it anyway… skipping it this year.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I just can’t stop crying!!!! I hate that my parents are gone! I miss them so much!

I know we all miss our parents. I hate that they’re dead.

[unknown2allbuthim]

It was weird. Someone gifted us dinner and that was so kind. So I cooked and L and I had dinner but there was no family and no chance to just veg like we had planned.

K was supposed to go out but it was way later than she thought so our dinner was cooked and waiting for about 2 1/2 hours.

L and I missed dad but K was there and we couldn’t talk about it.

It was weird. BUT I will enjoy leftover turkey and chopped liver and make a nice dinner tonight! And I’m thankful and so glad that everyone else in the family had a good day.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I feel alone in this. I feel alone but I have to tell myself that that is a lie. Depression lies with extremes with all or nothing. I just don’t know how to reach out. I don’t want to burden anybody and I don’t don’t know who I could reach out to anyway.

I’m drowning and no one can see it happening.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I’m in training as a child protective investigator for DCF. The training is very in-depth and intense.

We are currently looking at present danger assessments. The example case we looked at reminded me so much of my own experience.

When I was four our family was going out for the day. I was sitting on a stool, eating breakfast. My mom wanted me to hurry up. In anger she pulled me from the stool and I fell. I wouldn’t stop crying and couldn’t walk.

My family still went out and I was left with family friends to babysit me. They took me to the hospital and it was revealed that my leg was broken in 2 places.

I related this story to my instructor and said that because it was an accident it wasn’t present danger. She said that my mom’s impulsive act did say present danger and mentioned other impulsive behavior by my mom.

And Omigosh! This shook me. I’m having a panic attack as I really understand that what I experienced as a child was not normal and while I wasn’t beat up, I was still abused.

I forgave my mother for what she did a long time ago. I forgave my father for allowing it to happen. But still now it’s like I’m going through so many things again. And anyway… I kind of needed to write it down and tell someone.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I don’t even know if loving one’s self is possible!!! How do I “love myself” when I know I’m a pathetic loser.

[unknown2allbuthim]

I’ve been uncomfortably anxious since last night. I hate this.