Love, Unnie

Got bitten by a Kpop Love bug

[unniedear]

A while ago, a corgi sat in front of me. I don’t know if the dog wanted me to pet him but I instinctively patted its head. I don’t if that is rude but I felt so happy at that moment when i did it. Maybe it sensed how sad i was or maybe i smelled like butter garlic fries. It made me wish that maybe i can be a fur mom too and the dog will love me unconditionally. Or maybe not since i don’t know how to take care of myself or anyone. Or i just don’t deserve to be a parent at all.

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

Again, I didn’t know why I dreamed of this boy that i have intense feelings for when I was 10. It was a decade long crush. Hahaha. I know it seemed odd to have intense crushes like that. But i think i just find him mysterious and beautiful so that is why it took me so long to be out from that misery of a one sided young love.

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This is a really weird dream. As far as I can remember, I went to my friend’s house because I want to see her but i find myself being with him and i was like why are you here. He was just there standing there beside me. Cut to the scene, we are inside my friend’s room waiting for that friend. It felt like we sneaked in to her room and nobody knows we were there. Lying on our stomach in bed, we are side by side waiting. In my dream, I was weirded out by the whole situation, i mean she is not your friend why are you here. He was just smiling at me but then he said, “I want to wait with you.” I mean my young self would love to heart that. And then we heard footsteps and i left him haha and hid inside the closet. I was inside the closet and a bit of regretful bec I left him but i don’t want to make him uncomfy because he might not like the idea being cramped in a little space with me. I mean i just don’t want to invade his personal space and yes in my dream i was having conflicting thoughts, haha. Even in my dream i got so used to not being around him, LOL. I remember that i got out and pretended to be knocking at my friend’s house so that I’d distract her grandparents and so this boy crush can get out of the house. Someone opened the door and i met this hairy man. Really hairy. Cut again to the next scene, we were walking and i have no idea where we were going. But i can remember feeling comfy with each other. This part is blurry to me but i remember the scene when he got hungry and looking for a place to eat. I was surprised when he passed his gum to my mouth. He kissed me. LIKE WUT HAHA. No! I’m a married woman! And i spat the gum but the feeling of soft lips never left my mouth. NO! This is all wrong! LOL. But we were able to find a place to eat and then I met someone from hs and the look on her face when she saw us together. Rosie is her name and in real life, she kinda disappeared on us when we found out that she is a klepto of some sort. We love her still and willing to forgive and forget what happened but she just left us and never came back. So seeing her in my dream brought happy feelings. She was laughing hard in my dreams lol because she was like wow at last you are with him. Then the next scene we were eating korean fried chicken. Weird dream

[unniedear]

I find myself crying over the last scenes of Our Beloved Summer episode 6. It reminded me of that pain or longing for someone but can’t let of the insecurities and pride. Yeonsu’s pain resonated with me. Sigh.

This series is giving me all the feels and i like how it brings me to secret place where i can hide and just be happy with myself

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I really don’t like holidays. It gives me an extra thick layer of pressure and anxiety that sends me over te cliff. I’m just barely hanging at yhe edge. But having someone to spend it with, just the two of us, gives me also another layer of warmth and love.

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I’m in 4th month in my new job and i am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do. I can feel myself retreating at the corner, feeling small. I’m trying my best to keep myself together. I’m losing sleep for the past few weeks and it is affecting my dayjob because i can’t seem to focus. A while ago i was asked if i used to wake up early and i slipped out telling them that i was trying to finish an artwork so i was staying up late. Not being able to sleep that much, i was caught off guard with what i said and I keep on regretting til now that i should have kept my mouth shut. I know it might be a trivial matter. But i don’t want to give them a reason to think that I’m doing it instead of work. I’m just rambling. I just don’t really like myself now. really like the feeling when I just finished an artwork. It gives me a sense of peace and a moment of contentment before the insecurities wil wash me away, letting me drown in ny own self doubt.

[unniedear]

Why do boys from my past kept popping up in my dreams? I dreamed about this boy that i used to have strong feelings for since i was 10. Liking this boy for so long saved me from a lot of heartaches, haha, because I can’t look at other boys with him always residing in my very very young heart. I remember how he filled up the pages of my diaries. Pages of longing and ignorance, haha.

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I dreamed of him and it felt so weird. I found myself walking on the side streets of my hometown. I came from school and it feels like i was still in college. Just when i reached the the university gate, I spotted him among the crowd. He was smiling at me and coming towards me then he said,

“I found you. I kept thinking about you.”

I was dumbfounded by what he said, because that was my 15 year old self was waiting for. My mind kept asking, “why is this making me happy? Is this what i missed?” At the same time, the situation felt so odd and I almost bursted out laughing at him. But I wasn’t so sure if it is because of pure joy or his cheesiness.

He was cheery in which I found it so weird. Is this how I thought of him before? I kept staring at him for so long because I can’t still believe he was right in front me, looking the same like when I accidentally met him in a shop from a university where we used to go to. Tall, dark and very handsome.

“Let’s eat,” he said. He took my hand, breaking my trance-like state. He brought me to a place. which felt so familiar. It reminded me of our favorite fried chicken place and the canteen where my highschool friends used to eat. I told him the weirdest thing I could say during a date, “I think I want to eat adobo.”

The date was a blur to me. All i know that i felt so happy and he was a joy to be with.

Cut to the scene where i met up with my high school friends. I told them about how I went out on a date with him like i used to tell them stories about him when i was in high school.

Then i woke up thinking, I just miss my home.

[unniedear]

Years ago, i found joy in writing entries in my digital journal. I used to have a number of journals and now it takes years for me to visit tumblr and write another entry. It’s 5am and i’m sitting here in the common area, plunged in darkness while my husband is sleeping. I was planning to play Genshin Impact but the download is taking a bit too long to finish. I was hoping playing the game will bring me slumber but I’m still awake and hunger is creeping in my tummy instead of sleep.

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I was awaken by a weird dream. I dreamt of someone that I used to love. Maybe love is a strong word to use, but that is how it felt like a decade ago. By saying that, I am fairly amused how far away that time was. And it is really weird to remember how strong my feelings were for him. At that time, i believe the timing was off but i still felt that we met at the right time not because for love. It was right because this would lead me for something greater and better that the universe has to offer.

In my dream, I was in front of a store, waiting for a bus but i had nowhere to go in mind, i just felt lostg. The dream felt so familiar. I felt I was in my hometown. Then he appeared in my dream. The next scene was we were walking together looking for a house. We acted normal like how we were when we used to be friends. The place where we were in felt familiar too. I dreamed of this place so many times but in different scenarios. It is a village near a church and it always reminds me the hometown where my cousins lived. And while we were looking for a certain house, we didn’t realize that we parted ways and we looked for each other and when i found him he was with someone, then i left so that I wouldn’t bother them. The next scene was I’m back to where I was, in front of the store, waiting. This time i was with my cousins and opened up about meeting my ex again how weird and how amusing it was for not feeling strongly about him like i used too. While i was telling the story to my cousins, he was behind me, sulking for leaving him behind. We left and started walking. I told him how sorry i was. I kept on talking and I realized he isn’t beside me anymore. He stood behind me and he looked at me with disappointment. I smiled at him and for a moment, i remember the feeling of love and i ran up to him to give him a kiss. When my face was inches away from his, i stopped and he leaned back to avoid my attack. I felt satisfaction when i saw him so shocked with i was about to do. Our lips were so close and I whispered against his lips, thank you. I walked away, leaving him behind. There was gratitude in my heart. I woke up and hugged my husband, feeling grateful.

[unniedear]

The dream life is to be with you in a nice white house where i can plant and grow my own food. Where we can paint and swim by the sea if we feel like it. The dream feels so far away.

[unniedear]

My heart feels heavy because nobody wants to care about how I really feel. To give such importance to me. Somehow i do know my worth. I wish there will come a time that you’ll make me feel that I matter. That i am important. That i do deserve a single amount of fucking care.

[unniedear]

Maybe i should talk about this for a bit. I had a bit of fall out with a very close friend. I have finally moved on. It was sad but it’s okay. It is for the best. I realize that I’m being a nuisance to their lives and being distant is the best way to save them from myself. I guess there is a bit of truth in this saying, familiarity breeds contempt and it was also unfortunate that I became the receiving end of that contempt. Please do not get me wrong, I’m okay where I am now and it really doesn’t matter if i got accused of being ungrateful. There is nothing I can do about it, really. I understand and it’s okay. I really do pray with all my heart that the universe will bless them because they do deserve it, they really do. All i have is love and gratitude for them. Thank you.

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I never thought that having someone that you could hold forever is something i could have in my lifetime. I feel happy that i got so lucky and i am forever grateful for it. Thank you too.

[unniedear]

I’m pretty disappointed with myself, really but i’m about to get finished my drawing. I’m trying! If i just have that high regard for myself, for sure, i’m gonna be great! But in reality, i’m not. I really wish that the outcome will turn out great so just for a day I can say that I’m proud of me.

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

Everyday, I bring my small sketchpad, blank paper and pencils. This is my attempt to overcome my fear of having to draw again.

I was never really good at it, making art. Everyday, there is always an attempt that maybe this time it will be this day that I’ll be proud of myself. Opening my sketchpad, holding the pen and I will scribble or stay up late just soaking up all the beautiful images before me, believing that it would help me get all this positivity to help myself out from this rut but I always end up not doing anything, sulking and mad at myself. It is taking me so long and i’m on the brink of giving up. I just can’t get out of this paralysis.

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

[unniedear]

Mondays are just blah and I just wish I could overcome this feeling of heaviness (besides the fact that I’m really gaining weight) and restlessness. Sleep is trying to collect its debt right now. I just want to go home and continue my paper flower project and be like okay again with the universe. Hello Universe, please give me more love and inspiration today. And thank you also for this day.