Emotionally Empty

[uselessghost]

[uselessghost]

There comes a time where I have to realize I won’t be as important to them as they are to me and honestly just for that, I shouldn’t even make you a priority and respond to you immediately either.

[uselessghost]

Done fighting for someone’s attention that I’m just not going to get. You can read my message(s) and not respond but respond to someone else over a basketball game?

[uselessghost]

If I am mad about something that has nothing to do with you, and you get mad because I’m mad. What does that say? Cause it truly makes no sense

However, let’s not forget, it you’re mad about something I’m there, I listen but one thing I’m not is I’m not mad at you for being upset

[uselessghost]

Im a monster

How can I talk down to the person I love?

Who am I

Who have I become

No wonder I can never be happy

I’m so stupid

How can you love someone and treat them like shit?

I don’t deserve happiness

I don’t deserve true love

My dad was right all along

I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough

I’m too fat and my face is ugly

I don’t deserve Adam or anyone

I truly thought I felt love and I still feel like I love him

But I don’t deserve his love. I don’t deserve him

He’s better off without me. I just walked in his life to ruin it. I never made him happy. I should just let him do his own thing and be happy with his kids. That’s the family he needs

If I love him, I need to accept the fact I’m not going to make him happy. I only bring out the worst and he deserves true happiness… even if I’m not included. He was better without me in his life and I need to accept that.

I just need to love him from a distance. I need to accept the fact that I can’t make anyone happy.

Today’s the day I walk away… for good. He’s made it clear if I walk out the house that I’m never welcome back and I hate it but I understand. All I do is cause problems. I don’t know where to go cause if I go back home then all I’ll hear there is I’m not doing something right in my dads eyes and why go to a house without electricity and be freezing. I might as well just stay in my car.

I need to drive. Far far away. As far as I can go. Just let my family be whatever and let Adam heal from all the negativity I caused him.

Today’s the day where I just need to leave and disappear from everyone’s life. Thankfully I’m not married or have any kids. So I’m not leaving anything or anyone behind because I have no one

[uselessghost]

Then you come to lean on me to see and ask what am I doing? And I say nothing. Then he proceeds to say “you’re just not watching or anything”

Like oh. I have to watch tv but you can scroll through and text on your phone?

Gah what relationship am I in

[uselessghost]

Little do you know, you’re the reason I lose my appetite. You being angry at everything towards me when I don’t do anything. Then you have the nerve to ask if I’m okay? Like sure I’m okay. My fiance won’t talk to me yet I’m his fiance? He claims he tells me everything but doesn’t realize he’s more open to his own mother than his fiance. If I try to talk to him, he immediately thinks negatively and reacts so then I can’t even finish what I’m trying to say. I can’t vent to him… well because the same reason - he reacts negatively. Yet I can’t talk to other people about my thoughts or feelings about us because it’s no one’s business but who do I talk to then? Keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself?

I’ve done that my whole life and I’m honestly tired of it. I’ve learned the benefits of being open, talking and not holding things in.

He’s literally 5+ years older than me and he clearly doesn’t understand it yet.

The real question is, do you want a relationship with someone? Are you ready for marriage?

[uselessghost]

I ask, how are you feeling? He says “ I’m fine”

But when he finally wakes up, he tells his mom all his symptoms and not sure what could’ve caused it.

Me? I get nothing

What kind of relationship am I in?

[uselessghost]

50 posts!

[uselessghost]

Is it normal that when you’re at your in laws house, your fiance can talk on the shit he wants but if you say anything, he takes it negative and gives me all the looks to be quiet as if I said something negative?

[uselessghost]

It’s sad it’s about to be 2026 and a grown man can’t even even be open to his fiancé about anything. He’d rather call and vent to his mom and not tell his partner anything that goes on through his head.

[uselessghost]

Why is it always an argument when all you ask for is to have open communication with your partner? They’re selective on what they want to tell me but can tell their parents everything else.

[uselessghost]

Please tell me when it is okay for your partner to call you a ‘bitch’?

[uselessghost]

It’s currently 1:29 AM. You turned your back in the bed cause I briefly got upset. But you take it to the extreme. Turn your back and everything off.

I take a moment to breathe.

I ask for the remote since you turned everything off and it’s on your side.

Then you react saying “ I thought you didn’t want to watch?”

My answer “ you’re the one who got all pissed odf”

You don’t say anything and leave your back turned and go straight to sleep.

Fast forward to now.

Now it’s 1:33 AM and I’m watching Purple Hearts on Netflix because I feel some sort of connection…. Anger that turns to love. Something that turns real.

Mainly because you’re the angry one in this relationship and all I want is a happy marriage, family and just romance.

I just want love. I’m a big sappy person what can I say. I want romance. Anything sweet. Fresh flowers picked in the garden. A night in, just me and you and no phones. No one interrupting. No text messages, calls, socials - NOTHING.

You? Well. Referencing to Disney- Elemental. I’m water, you’re fire. You’re always a hot head and I’m always here waiting to cool you down… the best I can.

Inside Out: your anger and anxiety. I’m Joy and Anxiety with a bit of sadness. I don’t know. Just depressed but that’s not in the movie right?

I don’t know what I’m doing but all I know is I’ll be up all night now because that’s the person I am… growing up I used to hold things in and I cried. I cried. I cried. I remember when I used to get whooped for things I didn’t do or say. I got whooped for not rolling my eyes. I got whooped if I did or said anything negative. I cried so much. I don’t remember much but I know I got whooped… I got a half sister that well… uh… we didn’t have a good relationship. It was always her over me. She abused me… and well… my dad didn’t believe anything I said. There were more whoopins. I don’t know remember crying in the bathroom, locking myself in just to cry until I stopped crying. I stayed in my room all day everyday. If I wasn’t in school, I was in my room.

I had a better relationship with my mom… my best friend… most of the time.

Anywho. Yeah I held so much in for so long, I cried until I couldn’t anymore. Now, I’m all cried out. I just isolate myself and my thoughts are running constantly and then boom. No sleep.

Yeah that’s the person I am. That’s the person you met. But that’s okay. I’ll stay up all night while you rest. It’s okay. I’m not going to wake you up because then you’ll be more mad.

Here I am watching ( now it’s 1:55 AM) of a movie that deals with love, family and all the things that actually make me cry. Nbd

[uselessghost]

There’s a point where you need to start realizing that someone could only be with you for what you have and what you give. Quite honestly, why am I just seeing this? You’ve never wanted to be 110% open with me. You literally talk more to your own mom about e v e r y t h i n g. But me? I find out randomly but not from you… specifically your mom calls me and tells me of plans she found… for us? Like what? I’m confused. When? What? I don’t know. What am I missing? Cause you didn’t tell me anything. Oh wait. I forgot. You can complain all about your parents but you can also still trust them with everything more than your own partner who you want to marry and have a family with. Yeah. It makes so much fuxking sense. Thanks for always making me feel so important and so special in your life.

The person who literally supports you in anyway they can. I’m patient. While I’m employed I spoil you and the kids because it makes me happy and is fun to do. I literally am your punching bag anytime anything makes you stressed, upset, anything really. But you know, I’m the only one who sees that. To everyone else, you are just so sweet, smart, perfect caring man. But they don’t see the real you. They don’t see or h e a r the things you say. But that’s okay right? I’ll be your punching bag. I’ll always be all ears to anything you want to tell me… even though you’re very selective on what you want to tell me.

But I’m not good for you to tell me anything else right?

And then you want me to be open with someone who isn’t openly honest with me? Make it make sense.

Do I mean something to you or not? Do you care about me? Us? Are we best friends or not? Are we roommates or best friends? Are we fuck buddies or lovers?

What are we? I just want to know where I stand

[uselessghost]

It’s so funny how you can sit back and just observe and that’s when you notice. You notice that sometimes some people will try for others but just not for you

[uselessghost]

Someone please explain to me why it’s so hard for people to communicate? I state my standards since the beginning and communication is the biggest one.