Hey there

[usernamemistaken]

Back to the teenager sex. We are silly. We will stay silly.

[usernamemistaken]

[usernamemistaken]

“Those who refuse to conform can write for the “drawer” — for posterity — or, in the case of the younger rebels, for underground publication.” I do this a lot lately. I’m no rebel, but the words, the thoughts I have are so different from what I felt before. I don’t know how to share those. I don’t know if I’m ready for the battle just yet. But I have to, have to write those down. I want to figure it out.

[usernamemistaken]

I feel alone. Even when I’m surrounded by people, my friends. No one can see what’s happening inside of my head. And that scares me. This person in my brain, it is not a nice person. It is me? Is it some projection of myself? I cannot explain. I’m afraid to stay alone with that person, she can be way stronger that I am, and her influence is killing me inside. After some time, I’m blocked on every front, I cannot work, I cannot relate to people anymore, I become closed to the outside world. I get locked in with that person in my head, the one I’m terrified of.

She is harsh, she gives me hard times. I’m harsh.

I cannot control this. I feel that I’m stuck in some circle and no matter how hard I try to run away, I’ll come back to this state eventually. By not understanding what is going on, I cannot explain it to anyone. So, it’s me all alone there. Not getting what’s happening and how to deal with things.

The most abusive relationship is going on in my head, that voice keeps telling me that I’m not good enough, keeps remembering the worst things I’ve heard from people, keeps whispering that people stay with me out of compassion rather than joy.

I’m not sure what’s happening. I just want to protect my friends and family from this person. It is not me. I hope it is not me.

[usernamemistaken]

Not from this world, superfluous as ink with a feather. As if someone dug a grain or took out a link from the chain, where everyone is exemplary. Your communication with this world is strictly tangential. You feel a barrier with everyone. And you seem quite healthy but rummaging yourself you unsuccessfully search for your own kind.

We are thoughtless, homeless, shabby stoned Caulfields, tortured Durdens. We are children of amphetamine, Baphomet, and new metal. We are Peter Pans. You are like us and the crowd just won’t let you in.

So much smoke just to hide from this world. They said you don’t belong here. So much happened but all goes by, except your favorite authors. We all grew up, but the mark could not be washed away. You don’t belong to this world.

Books share opinions, opinions seed doubts, they invite laziness, and laziness comes with oblivion.

Aldous Huxley. You don’t like this brave new world? Then you are just childish.

Damned poetry. Blessed graphomania.

[usernamemistaken]

And then at the end of our awesome night together he says that he hates The Killers. Great buddy, thanks for nothing.

[usernamemistaken]

To write brilliant texts offline for months, with no plan on publishing, with no desire to share. So selfish. So heartless.

[usernamemistaken]

Turned out you are not a meteorite. You are a planet with its own gravity and life, atmosphere and clouds. It is extremely hard to walk away from you in the other direction. You're a magnet that can't let go even for a second. I'm so addicted now.

[usernamemistaken]

The best inspiration for me is people. I feel weak as it is really easy to influence my thoughts and make me re-think all my previous decisions. 

When I find something unexpected, I hang on to that shit long and hard. Long enough to get into the new world, understand it, and change my world according to the new findings. 

And then I have all the things bouncing in my head. And then I lose sleep. Some might call it love. 

For me it is an unfortunate affection.

[usernamemistaken]

I think I’m using tumblr wrong. Is it even possible? Why is this insecurity?

I just want a pretty dress.

[usernamemistaken]

I have only lips and my private posts

[usernamemistaken]

My main problem is that I make promises and then I try to keep them. If I would bail right away my life would be a lot more different.

[usernamemistaken]

Time and distance. I’d consider them my enemies. 

Quite a long time ago we’ve decided to play a game. And I stepped on a long wide road. I didn’t see the end of it but I knew it will end at some point, the winning point. 

I was not there yet. On my way I met lots of strangers. I felt lonely so I stopped to hang out for a day or a week. One time I stopped for half a year and just had to run away to continue my game. 

After a while I could finally see the end. Unbelievable, I’m winning, winning! So close.

Then I saw a dot in the sky. For a while I didn’t pay much attention to it. Who cares about dots nowadays? It was coming closer and closer. Is it… Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it is a fucking meteorite flying my way. 

I tried to run faster, I just want to be done with the game. But how do you outrun the meteorite? How do you walk past that magnificent falling star? How do you deal with something that you have never seen before in your life?

I just hope I’ll win this battle.

[usernamemistaken]

What an insolence to think that I flirt with you! It's not fair to those with whom I really laughed and flirted.

[usernamemistaken]

The enamored mind shapes itself in such a way that it filters incompatible as irrelevant.

[usernamemistaken]

I think it’s better for some weird people to just not occur in my life. And if we’ve met by accident please disappear as soon as possible. 

I’ll miss you.

[usernamemistaken]

Fantom love. Love to the person you’ve created in your head. Love to their past you will never experience. Love to your unbelievable sex that you imagine. Love to your house with lots of light and a cute backyard that doesn’t exist. Love to kisses in warm rain that had never happened.

Don’t do it. 

Stop. 

I don’t need you.