Scratch Paper.. @ushouldntknowme - Tumblr Blog

05 February 2023

I dont know but maybe they’re right maybe I do feel frustrated

12 November 2022

I am drawing the last straw

13 October 2022

I cannot control the day to pass quickly but I can control my emotions toward each day. Seize every minute and no matter how hard I try to keep the moment, it will always come to an end.

22 July 2022

it still hurts so bad…

26 April 2021

If I am a game, will I be the one you dont wanna end playing? or will I just be played for once? Will I be interesting enough or boring?

08 January 2021

202———1??? woaaahh my tumblr is 8 years old already?!!!

okay as we all know, 2020 went by just like that and it wasnt a year we will all want to look back because of this pandemic.

Well at least, I learned a lot. My 2020 went like this: bought a family car, didnt go to work for a month, went back to work on shifting schedule and stayed in our building where I slept in a conference room, took a bath using a bidet, been so problematic about my daily food, cried a lot like really really a lot, took few pills for my anxiety that made me super sleepy during workhours, learned to drive, bought our car then just few days before we turn pages, I got involved in car accident, which until now, I cant get over with.

I think it was traumatizing because I cant drive again without feeling rattled. I feel like everyone’s gonna bump me. Also, I still feel uneasy that I went to police station for the police report. :( Police stations are the least place I would like to go because the thought of it makes me uneasy what more now that I actually went there. I get uncomfortable every time I read or watch news about jail and the like. I think I may want another professional help again.

21 December 2020

Idk but I always see it deeply. For a game he could do it but me as a strong reason? I dont think so.

19 November 2020

I feel so unmotivated, I feel so tired. It feels unfair. It is exhausting but I need one just one person to tell me it’s okay be calm rest you can do it.......

17 November 2020

how crashing is it knowing your dreams are being fulfilled by others?

“sana ako rin”

16 November 2020

I’m already 3 years at my work!!! Yay!!!

on the other hand, I wish I could ask God “why? What’s your plan? Why I didnt?”

what’s easy for others isnt for me.

I hope that one disappointment leads me to another opportunity.

11 November 2020

Am I dreaming so big that it really scares me?

10 November 2020

blankly staring at the ceiling, mapping my future.

05 November 2020

oh well we didnt argue as much as I projected but I just wanna say here my current sentiments. There’s really a *cant find right term* when you are born with different roles in a family, for example, he’s the first born and Im the last. The priorities, obligations really differ. I am always the free spirit and he’s the busy bee, and to put that in a relationship, it is something you would really consider. That’s the reality of Filipino culture. I know that every thing he’s doing right now is for me also but it really takes much love and time and determination to see your man grow. For now, all I can do is wait and see him reach for his stars and if he needs an extra star, I will give him mine so he can shine brighter. I wanna see him winning.

So I tell you my girls, no man is “done” already. I guess you stay with your man until he is done. 😌

16 October 2020

Dear Lord,

It is so overwhelming. I dont know which path to take because there’s so many to choose from. Whenever I think taking this path, I feel I couldnt make it but but but I wanna dream bigger, I wanna go farther. I know. Only You can make it possible where I wanted to be. Honestly, I cant do it alone. Take me where the grass is greener and flowers bloom in every colors. You see my heart, you can picture it.

13 October 2020

Hello!!!!!! A lot had happened since my last post. I already went to psychiatrist then I stopped taking meds, I get used to my work-dorm life for two weeks then get back to my haven for another two weeks, then I turned 25th few days ago.

Now what brought me here?

From now on, I will try my best to express here every thing that bothers me. Yes, every day here including my rants about him well he wont be able to read it. This is to lessen the weight on our relationship of course, I want him to have stress-free life esp now pandemic adds up to the anxiety of every body so to avoid any conflicts or whatever discussion,

tumblr will be my secret diary yaaaay

tbh we just got into argument so I resorted to do this hope this helps!!

02 June 2020

okay, for once I’d tell it here how I feel with my heightened anxiety:

-I cant sleep at night unless I’m physically tired but once I am in deep asleep, I won’t wake up ‘till late afternoon

-I’m an extrovert but I dont talk that much because I think a lot now

-I’m not usually forgetful, I remember every details but now, it takes time to recall things

-I cannot understand simple sentences immediately, I had to run my eyes over a few times before I get the idea.

-I overthink scenarios, I play undesired events in my head over and over

-I care so much of everyone’s thoughts and I’m overly conscious of my actions

-I get irritated so quickly especially when not paying attention to what I say

-I love to sing but I dont usually feel doing it

-I look for constant source of short time happiness but it doesnt save me from feeling sad

-I always feel tired even doing nothing, I still get to say Im tired

-I left my emails unread bec I have no energy to read promotions or whatever email there is

-My regular period was 2-3 weeks delayed

-My heart rate doesnt drop to 100 bpm, Im always palpitating that I even hyperventilated

-hair and weight loss

**to be updated when I get new observations

21 April 2020

I really have serious sleeping problem. I cant really sleep on my own. I mean, I needed to be physically tired to fall asleep. For this month long quarantine, I slept around 5 am, 6 am, the worst: after lunch time.

I’m emotionally tired of this. The moment I rest my eyes, new ideas, dreams, moments, and plans flash before my eyes. I can’t just shut it off. It’s like this time is the peak when I can be creative and all. But the problem is my world isn’t set for this body clock. I need to wake up at those times for work.

I think after every thing I said my brain decided to turn off I cant properly think like the way I typed above

How. Do. You. End. This.

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