WHAT AN ENTIRE FIASCO. okay, we are only 70 seconds into usa vs brazil during the 2017 tournament of nations and misery â the u.s. has lost three of the last six home games, alex morgan and megan rapione havenât scored in MONTHS, the themes of this game are crisis and frustration which literally no one can relate to in june 2020 â when this happens:
forces unknown to me and the universe take alyssa naeher by the hands causing her to fumble a fairly manageable for her ball into the back of the net. if you follow cursed balls, now would be a good time to keep an eye on this one because no offense to brazil but this thing has it out for uncle naeher and something is up with this game.
a minute later, becky sauerbrunn lines up in the box for a routine corner and gets kicked in the face. in the great jill ellis tinkering of years 2016-2019, broon on this day is playing in a holding midfield position which is so far going great. but while the evidence is visibly swelling on beckyâs head, the ref decides to gather a quorum and debate the facts of the case:
megan rapinoe immediately asks to speak to a manger because this is insanity. despite several inalienable truths, aka kelley oâhara having a great hair day and a penalty being the only correct option, the high priestess referee awards an indirect free kick. letâs just say the chaos in ref-land starts here, with the face boot. HOWEVER. kelley holding out a hand to summon carli âwhy am i like thisâ lloyd and the two of them sidestepping to joint shenanigans like theyâre about to dismantle the patriarchy with an op-ed? my plans. samantha mewis? 2020.
a conference is held on the field because there is something about people congregating while wearing matching outfits that is fascinating and everyone is so stressed this game needs a therapist but would you look at kelley oâhara going full blown devilish little imp? kelley could navigate the open ocean with only a compass and come back with three wives and a new species of root vegetable. two seconds before this she looked alex morgan up and down like a snack and I MISS THEM SO MUCH.
objectively, this is a disaster. panic petunia has arrived as the voice of reason. kelley looks ready to steal someoneâs lunch. crystal dunn did not sign up for this. while the ref is busy figuring out how to add inches to an already plotted pitch for a wall that needs to go behind the goal line, because math, letâs talk tactics. joining the backline today and instigator of the combination play that leads to the first halfâs only goal is taylor smith (swift, every time why). given the current hellfire, who can tell me what happened to taylor smith or more likely, wtf jill ellis did to her? and not the wikipedia version, the my cousinâs best friendâs neighborâs version please and thanks in advance.
alex morgan is out here not sparing any fucks strutting past carli lloyd in a fetal position like, âheard ya took a knock, hate to see it.â and really, whoâs to argue? carli is a great example of someone with a lot of explaining to do. i myself spent a good five minutes at one point trying to understand carli lloyd. sympathize, even, what with her novella about getting kicked out of her parentâs house which never quite made sense, and her time spent leaping, recklessly and with delight into the biceps of hope solo. get better carli, those old games are just a recap away from starting a retrospective soloyd nut-ship i swear we have the time.
life is about to get much worse for the 87 year old uncle naeher. but when she skins both knees on a rough save itâs important to note that kelley will reign in her acts of aggression to be there for her friend, to lightly smack her closest appendage, then tell her to cowboy tf up because thereâs 49 minutes left. this is a big donât sleep on ko game and it should surprise no one that our girl is, shall we say, ON ONE. but absolutely not is this ref skidding over to comfort-check alyssa âjust give me my walkerâ naeher after disregarding a head injury?
witness the start of the most bizarre chain of events these chaotic soccer nuts have ever pulled off as kelley oâhara sneaks up on and decks an unsuspecting brazilian player. in the distance, if you squint, becky sauerbrunn is coming over for appearances and some moral support because ko is without question about to be carded and maybe she needs a cuddle, could happen. but the layers to this nightmare are fresh and still unfolding:
as the ref pulls out a yellow card and performs what, i assume, is the holy anointment of first offenses, she announces becky sauerbrunnâs name. no one is more confused by this than becky herself. sheâs booked. she argues. nothing comes of it and then sir samultonâs name appears on the graphic. this is the kind of plot twist television writers get laughed at for suggesting. the lords and ladies of karma would like to question what becky did to deserve this, what sam has to do with it, but most urgently, how kelley got away with it. btw, where is kelley our international threat, kelley our favorite flying squirrel, kelley our patron saint of epic salads at this time? LEGIT HIDING IN A CORNER. in the words of michael jordan when confronted with the reality of michael b. jordan in a documentary he co-produced for espn: call 9-1-1 every day about this.
thanks to alyssa and the no good very bad day, we now know she calls casey short âshortyâ askdjdksk. no amount of nicknames screamed across the box will save her from 3 brazil goals but also alyssa brings a diffuser where ever she goes and i love her? anyway, with only 12 minutes left and the u.s. down 3-1, these fucking geniuses manage to score three goals, clear their skin, get 10 hours of sleep a night and improve their credit rating. no one is more relieved than our gentle giant who goes from âfuck meâ (okay) to âfuck yeahâ in a character arc befitting of a 60 second commercial for soap.
in the interview before this game, alex morgan got real with julie foudy and said, âwe need to win for us.â well donât we all, janice, donât we fucking all.
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