31 ♡ Kiwi ♡ R18+ @probablynotnezzling - Tumblr Blog

Moulin Rouge! (2001) dir. Baz Luhrmann

Ever After — 1998 dir. Andy Tennant

I will spend my forever apologising if you would like to spend your forever hearing me

#coming out of psychosis into reality is so hard to adjust to but i feel so much more like myself than i have in half a year #crying and apologising profusely and so honestly like from the depths of my soul and entire being level of apologising #being held by the one i love and the one i broke was such a kindness to experience and i am so thankful #the still and quiet together was so calming now that it was just us for a moment and not whatever was wrong with my brain #i know there is still so much to fix and time will be the biggest part of that but i will do anything to fix this mess we made #i know we arent diving back into the deep end and that it will take time to consider that but i love playing in the shallows with you #warm and comforting and safe and loving shallows until you feel that trust in me once more #but i am so happily waiting here for you because i knew your face the day we met and i hate myself for forgetting that #ive always known your face

Trying to unravel whatever has been happening in my head for the last 6 months and just unravelling as a human being because I'm pretty certain I've been in a state of psychosis for most of that time. It has been absolutely terrifying being more out of touch with reality than I ever have been. I am still trying to ground myself and I am just repeatedly crashing into the ground instead. I feel like an already dead person dying over and over again trying to revive myself.

#i am in so much physical fucking pain though because i have to be sober so i cant even have my normal pain relief and i am struggling #my head and body and heart hurt so much and the nightmares are back so sleeping is just scary #i keep waking up in the middle of the night having panic attacks and crying my eyes out until i fall asleep again #im throwing up every day and all ive managed to eat is a piece of fruit a day for idk how many days now #ive definitely lost weight from all this not that that is a bad thing bc she was eating too much chocolate for sure lmao #its the not eating and being too physically weak to lift blankets in order to wash them so i cant even wash my bedding right now #its all getting to me and im just really not doing well

My head lays in a lap that is smaller than it, my tears are wiped away by small hands, and the weight of my sadness is being caught by the small growing human that is my child. I cry and tell him thank you for being by my side while I am sad. He says "you are there for me when I am sad, and I am there when you are sad. It's like, a thing" so calmly and confidently, fully capable of reassuring me in the same ways I always reassured him. I didn't think he would have to reassure me and comfort me so young, so small, still growing. I suppose I am still growing, too.

#i got out of bed crying again and went upstairs to tell him im sad and he instantly paused his show to get up and hug me #he asked if i wanted to sit on the couch and have a tea with him and watch a movie i like #so we did and i cried and his little thumb rubbed my back the whole time #i love my son so much i am so sorry that i let myself get this bad

Every day I wake up nauseated and in pain as if my body remembers the heartbreak before I have a chance to, and every night my body still expects to hear keys at the door at 6pm and stresses out when it never does because it knows that means another lonely night. So much of someone else is woven throughout my nervous system and I'm not sure how to untangle myself from him. My reality still feels so skewed and distorted and I just want to be held for a little while to help ground myself again as the world starts to spin a little slower again. I feel so disconnected from this world, I miss being held so softly instead of feeling like my skin is made of fire.

#It's the insanely painful heart palpitations on waking up that is really stressful because it lasts like half an hour #Honestly feels like having a heart attack every morning and it's been proven you can die of a broken heart and I think this is the same vib #Like I am so heart broken that my body just seems to be shutting down right now #I need warm hugs so bad right now I'm in so much pain #My head and my stomach and my heart and my muscles and just everything make it stop please

letsbelonelytogetherr

— Melissa Cox

vexheart

blooooom

there’s a misconception that grief only happens when we lose people. this is not true. we can grieve circumstances, relationships, missed opportunities. in fact, sometimes when you find yourself plagued with waves of emotion from sadness to melancholy you may be grieving yourself. the version of yourself that you might have been if things had been different, or if only you had said something, or if someone had stood up for you.

Hearing my son process my break up over the last few days has been heartbreaking. "He did good things, and he bad things. It's so confusing. He put plasters on my cuts and read books to me but he would ignore you to scroll on his phone in the corner all the time. It is so confusing that my head hurts". Oh my sweet, empathetic boy. It has been confusing and painful for my head, too. I'm so sorry you have to feel those consuming confusing feelings. "And I still miss him so much". Yes dear, I do, too. And we will for a long time.

#it is sad to learn he did see that i wasnt spoken to often or taken out of the house much #i feel so bad that i was stuck like that for so long ive been trying so hard to make plans with my son to make up for it #i feel like ive been asleep for a long time

Skip me forward in time to any arms that will hold me safely while I fall apart, to a place that I can truly let all of this life pain out.

Absorb my tears through your skin and use them to help you learn to never make me shed these kinds of tears yourself.

Help me let all of the bad out so that I am empty and ready for filling up with only trust and kindness and happiness and love and love and love and love and love and love and love and love and love and love and only love.

#“it was obvious how much you loved him from your posts and pictures and im so sorry you cant pour your love into him anymore”#thanks im gonna go throw up again from the pain of heartbreak

dewberrys-sillyblog

god the horrible urge to vague post is eating me alive but i must

dewberrys-sillyblog

someone wronged me once

molten-lavender

Wow you really have to get a running start to scroll past these ads

pangur-and-grim

people say I’m too lax with my cats, but actually I pick them up and kiss them a lot when they’re bad. they know discipline

Listen, I am a great librarian because I am very good at keeping and categorising books. Don't ask me if I've read them, I'm too busy Keeping them. It's the same thing as collecting craft supplies but never actually doing the crafts themselves. Which I also do, so

#maybe it is just the adhdddddddddddd #lil rambles

actiiasluna-deactivated20250103

batbetbitbotbut

When I fail to respond it's an homage to letters getting lost at sea

fagcrisis

i hate the word spicy can we bring back calling things erotic

maryoliveoil

rolling up to Wendy's to get an erotic chicken sandwich

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31 ♡ Kiwi ♡ R18+