sorry to ruin the vibe but I can't put this on my main. vent post.
trigger warning for discussion of abuse, especially sexual abuse.
I hate that I'm letting him ruin my life. I hate that he still has that power over me despite the fact he can't even fucking reach me anymore.
I feel like he'll always own me, not because he's still here but because he still haunts my mind.
I also hate the idea of ever getting better, and I hated when I was actually healing, because since he's not here the pain of what I remember is all I have.
I lose a part of myself when I don't freeze in fear after a trigger. It feels empty and invalidating, like I'm being told "see? it doesn't matter. it never did. you've just been overreacting."
Sometimes I hope that he comes back, or someone like him shows up, and I get treated the exact same way all over again. Just so I can tell myself it's "for real this time".
So I have at the very least the grace of going to sleep knowing it happened and I didn't want it.
I have very few clear memories, most of what I remember is feelings. So I feel a bit ridiculous, too, crying about things being done that I can barely even remember. I can't know for sure that all of it was really that bad because I don't remember what happened, just the despair I felt.
He made me hesitate to say no. He made me confused on if I even know when I'm consenting or not. He made me expect and even want torture and abuse.
I hate him more than anything in this world.
I hope someday I'll have memories of shooting him dead.
Only one person in my life even knows I feel this way about him. I knew she'd understand and treat me well, and I'm so glad I trusted her.
Everyone else is either not close enough, or I feel would just fucking laugh at how ridiculous it is. One could say "well if they'd laugh cut them off!" but it's not that simple, and if it were that simple I wouldn't be crying about it on Tumblr.
This post has been going on too long, and was probably better as a diary entry. I was planning like 1 paragraph maximum.
I wish none of this ever happened.
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
discoholicmusic
