June 26 2017
Its almost 4am and there are so many things left unsaid that I wish you knew. So many "if", "what could've been" and "what should've been" But I've reached the point that I need to stop wishing and you need to start listening. So many times have I tried to pick on your mysterious mind, observing you from afar and watching your life pass on a daily basis. It grew from a simple admiration to obsessing and over analyzing ever word you utter, trying to find meaning to your every action. I watched you, observed and loved you from a distance like a little kid watching her favorite movie wishing that I was part of your world too. But like anything else, I need to stop wishing. The cycle of insecurities, threatening oppositions and false assumptions caused by my indecisive, dark mind has weathered us along with time. The distance has never felt more farther than its actual physicality. Our weary minds has taken toll on both the happiness that we once enjoyed, slowly losing hope on the possibility that we'll see each other again.
You never talked much; as much I tried to provoke you. Like the moon, you kept yourself distant; stern and aloof with one side of you hidden. I guess that's why I was so attracted to you; I saw an older shadow of myself. But like anything else, I eluded myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I took myself to take the risk of finally letting my guard down and stop denying what I felt for you, i'd get you to do the same too. But I didn't. It was a failed attempt that I shouldn't have taken. Now find myself caught in the illusions of my expectations: concealing the real nature of reality. I was never fond of words nor actions. (You should've noticed that whenever I'm aloof with you sometimes.) Beneath the flirtatious jokes was a part of me that wanted you. You believed that actions speak louder than words; but you have to understand that I won't believe your words nor your actions until both can work simultaneously because words can be misinterpreted and are be full of lies as well as actions can be faked. Blame it on my history if you can; it's the only explanation I can provide for this defense mechanism that has served as my second skin. In the long run, never have I heard the things that I wish I would hear you say. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry for putting the blame on you for my expectations and the the fact that I don't trust my instincts. Nothing haunts me more at night than not knowing or believing if you love me; because a part of me feel like you do.
I don't blame you if you want to leave; but you need to understand that it's hurting me bad. Every wound feels fresh even though I said I've developed a thick skin to pain. If only you knew how much I try to look for reasons to come back; if only you know how much I'm beating myself EVERY.FUCKING.DAY for failing you. If only you knew how much I try to fight my thoughts of knowing this can never work. The only thing making me hold on is because I believe. I believe in us. But my pathetic self isn't worth the fight. I'm a nobody with nothing to offer you but a crazy little mind that causes havoc out of the blue and a pure heart. I never meant to do you wrong; or hurt you. I don't think I'm ever capable of doing so no matter how much It hurts. My intentions are genuine and far from what this bad world has caused you. I see myself in you; who thinks that with every healed wound comes a thicker skin and a reminder of what was once a source of pain. But in reality, a scar is a scar; a reminder and a mark from the past. In reality, it's very rare that we get bruised on the same spot twice. Point taken: don't be afraid of getting hurt. You cant wear an armor forever. The bruise may be the same but how you got it and from where is different. It always is.
I learned this from you. From the time we first knew each other, little did you know I admired you for this. You were my favorite peculiar thing to observe, carefully taking mental notes of your visions of reality. You added the reality to the dream I clouded myself in. You were my personal black hole as well as my moon. As much as I tried to let go, you always pulled me back with that little hope in me that you're different from the rest. That got me expecting; Expecting that one day you realize that you need me too and see you coming for me rather than waiting.
I know that this idea will never happen. I know that the only day I'll see you again will depend on me... But that's not even the case anymore.
That's the thing that hurts me the most; my very own kryptonite. I'm incapable of dependency. I hate the fact that I cant change this to make us any better; i hate the fact that you'll never go through the lengths of what I'm willing to do if I can. Compromise and sacrifices are not part of our little dictionary, but it's something we beed to accept and do to make things function.
Don't think I'm not putting enough effort. All my effort has been placed and right now I'm just waiting for the chips to fall where they may. Time is unforgiving and stern. Time has always been a unbending contradiction. I'm done trying to mend things, i'm done trying to shake things up. The chips are on your hands now.
I don't want you to expect as much as I'm expecting from you. As much as I'd love beat the crap out of you right now for being a bitch: i still don't want to hurt you as much and you're hurting me. Just to make you feel the pain of how it hurts to expect that someday maybe you'll turn out of the blue, uninvited. Do you know how much it hurts waking up to empty mornings wishing you were here? or spacing out of nowhere in the middle of daydreaming a bunch of "what ifs".. and How it hurts knowing that someone else wants you and once had you. Knowing that this person is out there to give you want I cant. I can never turn my back against you like the others did. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for you. As scary as it sounds, you've left your mark by shaping a part of me to see things from a different perspective of how i used to see the world. You calmed me down but at the same time caused a chaos to the things i try to keep in order: my mind and feelings.
there's an intangible string of what ifs, what could've been and should've been at this point and neither of us wanted to face the mess. What ifs, what should've beens and what could've been fuzzed by "why nots'" "what should be" and "what could be."
I still believe in that, but do you?
I'm sorry if I sound delusional at this point. I warned you I'm a bit mental with psychotic tendencies. It's about time you understand what I really feel. If only i can make you feel what I feel to make you understand. If only you can let me in as much as I let you in even though you're more of locked diary and I'm more of an open book. I want to make you understand that even your slightest actions affect me. Maybe I don't know what Im saying; nothing is crystal clear at this point but the fact that I'm hurting. It's all pain I see and feel at this point. No song or any other piece of craft can interpret this.
I dont want to be the one choking you
If you want to leave; just go.
I'm not going to stop you.
I cant keep being selfish.
If only we can go back to the place where we began; a fresh new start. Not as strangers but at the point when we were still happy.
I need to learn how to stop expecting and as always, i'm learning it from you.
But don't shut me out. Don't burn our bridge.
Thanks for everything.
You know I love you.
