Deep Breath and Push
Deep Breath and Push
A Valiantremnant original
Pre story notes: So I was just going through saved drives of stuff from years ago (weird that I can apply 'years ago' to writing) and came across articles that I had saved with the idea of doing something with before I started posting the stuff I wrote. Nothing specific, but a lot of people talking about how making a woman in labor wear a face mask back in 2020 in the height of the pandemic was cruel. Well, as I was going through and re reading that and what I wrote all those years ago, I started reworking it, and a couple of days of overthinking the plot, I wound up with something that is a bit more than I had initially intended. As such, this is going to be the first of what I assume is going to be three parts. It's going to be a bit more sappy/emotional than the usual work, but I honestly enjoy the emotional payoff of what I have planned out. Another thing, writing coughing is harder than I thought it would be, so I tried to mix it up as I went, but it looked really unnatural, so I trimmed most of the extra styles of it out. Now that I've rambled a bit more than usual, I'll leave you with the final note of this part will have a birth in it, the next part probably won't, but the third part should. (Unless I make it a four parter, yada yada yada…)
CW/Ingredients List - Hospital birth, obstetric abuse, homophobia, intentional misgendering, religious trauma-ish stuff, and IDK if it's necessary, but I'm putting a content warning on here for Covid related stuff.
~
"Just hold on honey," Alex said as she risked driving through a red light. "Please… hurry," Jordan rasped as they tried to pant through a contraction. Tried being the keyword. Jordan had tested positive for covid a week ago, and they and Alex had hoped that the worst of it would be over by the time labor started. They'd been unable to get a decent breath for several days now. Even for someone not pregnant, it would have been difficult. For someone who was pregnant, it was even worse. For someone who was not just pregnant, but was also in labor? "I wanna die…" Jordan wheezed as Alex pulled into the parking lot, getting a space as close to the door as she could. "You don't want to die love," Alex said, squeezing Jordan's hand, "I'll be right back with a wheelchair, ok? Right back."
Alex leapt out of the car and ran to the front door. Jordan knew that Alex didn't want to bring them here. Jordan also didn't want to have their baby at the hospital, but Alex had other reasons. She had gone through a horrifyingly traumatic birth while having her daughter Kellen own long before the two had met. As a result, Jordan had wanted a home birth, and they had been looking forward to the experience. But it had only taken one. They had just wanted a frozen salisbury steak meal. So despite the lockdown and everything, they had gone to their local Walmart and had braved it's strange and eerily quiet aisles to get their lunch, pay for it and leave. Only to have an aggressive, anti-masking lunatic cough on her while they were in line. They'd jumped back, and dropped their steaks and ran, frantically wiping themself down with hand sanitizer and showering when they got home, praying it would be enough. They still had Alex and Kellen stay away to keep them safe. But a few days later, once again, Jordan found themself looking at a little plastic stick with a plus on it, only this time with bad news on it.
While their midwife wasn't the first person Jordan and Alex called, she had been close to the top of the list. "Have you gotten a professional test done?" "I got swabbed today," Jordan replied, rubbing vicks onto their chest, "I should know in a couple of days." "Any symptoms?" "I'll-" Jordon broke off coughing, her whole body flinching and shuddering with each breath, until she was limp and left panting, desperate for more air than she could find, "I'll give you a wild guess." "I'm sorry," The midwife said, taking Jordan's snark in stride, "I know that covid can really suck." "Yeah," Jordan rasped, taking a drink of water, hissing through their teeth as they swallowed. "And… I'm sorry for this too. I don't think you're a good candidate for a homebirth anymore." "WHAT!" Jordan yelped, breaking off into a coughing fit, "What do you mean?" "Jordan, I need you to listen to me. I can't attend your birth anymore, I have other mothers who I can't risk exposing to covid. Some of them are immunocompromised. And while you might be over the worst of it before you go into labor… well, I can hear just how hard you're working to breathe just talking to me. If you went into labor now, I would feel much better if an oxygen mask were available to you." Jordan sat silent for a moment, not knowing how to answer. "Jordan, listen, I know you don't like it when I sugar coat things, so I haven't. Right now, giving birth at home is not a good option for you." "I… I hear you," Jordan said, closing their eyes, "I just… I don't… I had a plan." "I know," The midwife said, sympathy clear in their voice, "But sometimes plans can adapt. You should be able to do most of your plan in the hospital. They'll be wanting to keep contact tot a minimum there, so unless you need help, you should be left more or less alone." "Ok," Jordan relented, "I just… Ok."
After hanging up, Jordan had broken the news to Alex, trying not to cry the whole time. "Stupid hormones," Jordan growled angrily, "It's stupid! It's not that big of a deal." "No, it is," Alex said, sitting at the other end of the bed, "This was your plan, and now we have to change it." Jordan shook their head. They were worried, but they knew Alex's spiral that was about to happen. "Alex?" "And now you have to go to a hospital, and how knows what will happen there!" "Alex." "And with the lockdown rules, will I even be able to be there for you? What if-" "Alex!" Jordan shouted, starting a heavy coughing fit, "Alex… I will be fine. It'll work out."
"At least here I can get an epidural," Jordan groaned as Alex wheeled them through the front door. "At least that's an option," Alex agreed, "I'm not jealous, but…" "I know baby," Jordan said, taking the time between contractions to soothe their partner, and adjust their mask. "Still hanging in there?" Alex asked as they approached the front desk. "So far… Ow!" Alex wheeled them up to the front desk and started the check in process while Jordan tried to breathe. Not just through the contraction, but in general. It was all they could focus on doing. Rasping breath in, wheezing breath out. Rasp in. Wheeze out. Rasp in… "What? No, We're not doing that!" Jordan snapped their eyes open and looked up. "I'm sorry, but if she's tested positive for covid, they'll need to transfer to the C Ward and deliver there. It's hospital policy right now." "THEY," Alex growled out, "Are not going into anything but a standard labor room, with a birthing tub like they have in their birth plan." "Listen, I get it, but I can't break the rules here." "Alex?" Jordan asked, feeling nervous. Alex crouched down, "Don't worry, I'll…" "What's going on?" "He wants to put in some sort of… quarantine to labor in! I won't-" "Hnnnngggg OW!" Jordan gasped out, clutching at their belly and feeling their throat tighten as they tried to catch a breath. "I get it," The man at the receptionist desk said, "I really do. I'm guessing you were planning on a homebirth and got sent here last minute because of covid? I feel for you. But here's the thing, she ain't the only one who's been here like this." "Alex, please," Jordan gasped out, struggling more than before with just recovering from it, "Can we get to a room?" Alex looked like she was breaking in half and turned to look at the receptionist, "Where do we go?"
Jordan struggled to keep their breathing as even as they could while Alex wheeled them to the nearby elevator and went up to the maternity floor. When they arrived, instead of following the signs to the labor and deliver ward, they followed a set of signs that were marked C ward. "I'm so sorry," Alex kept repeating as she pushed Jordan, "I'm so sorry." Jordan, who knew that Alex was apologizing for pushing them towards a hospital birth, towards certain doom and horror, reached a hand up to reassure their wife, "It's not your fault," They said, "It'll be fine. You'll be with me and -augnnnnnnnhhhhhhh" Alex squeezed Jordan's hand as they lost their breath to the contraction, but didn't stop pushing until they reached a set of double doors with signs informing them that they had reached the C ward. "No visitors allowed?" Alex muttered, but shrugged, "Makes sense, must be a covid thing. Ah, press for nurse to enter." Alex pressed the button and after a minute or two, with Jordan having another contraction in the meantime, a nurse arrived. She strode briskly up to the door and pressed a button that let it slid open. "Hello, and who do we have here?" "Jordannnnnnnnhghhhhhhoooooohhh," Jordan groaned out as they shifted uncomfortably through another contraction. "Oh, that sounded painful mama," The nurse said. Jordan felt uncomfortable with the comment, but was struggling too much with the contraction to handle it. Alex on the other hand bristled. "Jordan isn't a 'mama'," She said, "Please don't refer to them like that." The nurse blinked in surprise, "Oh, Alright. Well, I'm afraid that there are no visitors, so you'll have to wait there." The nurse pointed at a collection of chairs nearby, many of the seats occupied with people who seemed to be waiting. "Oh, I'm not a visitor, I'm their wife." "Wife?" The nurse asked, one eyebrow arching, "Ok. Well, I'm afraid that goes for you too. Only mothers in the C ward for quarantine purposes." "Listen nurse… Karen? Are you for real right now?" "I'm sorry," Karen replied, stepping forward and taking the wheelchair, "But you'll have to remain out here with the rest of the visitors and friends." "No, what are- Jordan!" Alex called as Karen took the wheelchair and began pushing it inside.
Jordan tried to call out, but was still trying to get their breath back from the last contraction. "Now then," Karen said, "Let's get you to a bed then, alright?" "Can… can my wife come with? Please!" "No, no husbands, and no friends are allowed in," Karen replied. Something about the way she seemed to callously refused to respond to them calling Alex their wife sent a chill down Jordan's spine. Jordan turned to look at Karen as best as they could, stopping when the twisting motion sent little stabs of agony zinging up and down their belly. But what they saw seemed to confirm some of what they were thinking. Karen had a look that seemed equal parts smug and haughty. Not the concerned sympathy they would have expected someone working in a labor ward to be wearing. Or even the cautious excitement of someone about to watch a baby be born. The expression seemed self satisfied. Jordan would have thought they were just imagining it when they noticed something else. They had never worked as a nurse, and had very few friends in the medical field at all. But they knew that necklaces were not supposed to be worn while on duty as a safety thing. But sitting proudly around Karen's neck was a large, shining pendant in the shape of a cross. Jordan knew that not every Christian was openly hostile towards the LGBT community. In fact, in the area where they lived, it was a very small population of people who bore that level out outright resentment at all. But Jordan had typically found that any time someone was that level of homophobic, that someone was usually Christian to the point of wearing religious jewelry.
Alex paced in front of the door for a while before her nerves couldn't take it anymore, and she retreated to the waiting chairs. "First time?" One of the other occupants asked. Alex grimaced and shrugged, "First time for them. First time for me doing the waiting." "Well, as someone who's had to wait before, you'll be alright." Alex smiled thinly at the man, who nodded back. Sighing, Alex leaned forward, resting her forehead on her knees, and realized she was still holding the hospital bag. "Oh shit, I need to get this to her!" Alex cried out, jumping up. "I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible," A new voice said, making Alex turn. A different nurse had come out and was giving some news to one of the other waiting parents. "What do you mean?" "Well, the C ward isn't exactly spacious enough for much more than essential equipment and personnel, but you can bring it with you to the recovery ward after." "Recovery… ok, ok," Alex said, sitting back down, and letting out a puff of air. Having both given birth and now going through the waiting, she knew which she preferred. At least with giving birth, she wasn't just sitting there waiting for something to happen.
Jordan was pushed into what she assumed was the triage room for the C ward. Dozens of what looked like recovery areas were sectioned off by curtains. As they were wheeled past bed after bed, they felt their chest grow cold with anxiety as they saw beds occupied with laboring women. Each one alone, each one gasping for breath and wearing a face mask. "What is this place?" Jordan rasped out, their voice raw from coughing. "C ward," Karen replied, "It's where laboring women with covid go to labor, such as yourself." "Not-HNNNG!" Jordan began as they were hit with another contraction, "Not a woman!" Karen clicked her tongue as she wheeled Jordan towards a curtained off alcove, whisking the curtain aside to reveal an empty bed, "Well, you're here, and you're in labor, so what else could you be? Come on mom, up we go." Karen's sudden movements to lift Jordan out of the wheelchair and into the bed were so quick, they didn't have time to protest, the verbal jabs beginning to make them more and more uncomfortable. "I'll leave you a moment to change into the gown," Karen said, indicating the thin blue garment draped over the bed, "You can have the curtain closed for that, but then we'll need to keep it open for monitoring." "But… AHHhnnnnn….. What about… privacy?" Karen shook her head, "Sorry mama, but we only have one doctor and two nurses here, we need to be able to do visual checks on a moment's notice. Once you're changed, the curtains stay open."
Jordan knew they shouldn't waste the effort it took to cry with covid still gripping their lungs, but it was all so much they couldn't help but do just that. When they envisioned giving birth, it was at home, with a midwife, with Alex, with people who knew that they were not a woman, were not 'mama'. Where they had privacy, and quiet. Here, all they could hear was the beeping of dozens of monitors, the mechanical rasps of ventilators, the coughing, screams and sobs of their fellow patients in labor all around them, a nurse who seemed determined to erase their identity, and a doctor who they hadn't yet met who would deliver their baby. "I can't…" Jordan sobbed, breaking, "I can't do this…" But they had no choice. Sobbing harder, they began stripping down, taking everything off until the only article of their own clothing was the sports bra they had begun using in place of their usual binder. Looking down, Jordan couldn't help but gasp out another choked sob. They had managed to keep their dysphoria about pregnancy under control for the last nine months. More or less. There was always the odd person who commented on their body which would send them into a spiral, but Alex was always able to pull them out of it. "I can't," Jordan sobbed again, gripping their breasts and pressing on them, trying to squash them out of existence. The extra pressure on their chest started a coughing fit, strong enough that they leaned over the bed, making the plastic sheets crinkle like a cheap tablecloth. They coughed until their vision spotted with the effort, the violent explosions from their lungs only lessening slightly when yet another contraction forced them to their knees.
"Alright, all gowned up," Karen said as she returned and began hauling Jorden to their feet, "Let's get you looked at mom, ok?" "Can…you…stop…calling…me…that," Jordan huffed out as they clawed their way into the bed. "Ah, you want to wait for the big moment, I understand ma'am." Jordan wanted to respond, but before they could, Karen had gloved up and had settled between their legs. "What, what are you-OHhhhhhhhhnnnnngggggaaaaaahhhh!" "Just checking your dilation dear… Oh my, already at eight centimeters. You'll be a mama in no time." "Please, just… I'm not a mama… or a mother… or mom. I'm Jordan. I use they and them, and-" "Ma'am," Karen cut Jordan off, "We can't pander to that sort of pretend here, it's dangerous and slows us down, and quite frankly, you shouldn't be playing that sort of pretend game when you're about to have a baby. Are you going to force them to do that too?" "See?" Jordan gasped, "You can use 'them' too." Karen's mouth twitched and she checked the clipboard, "I'll be checking in on you, the doctor will come over when it's time to push unless someone else needs him more urgently. Please stay here to not disturb any of the other patients."
Jordan laid in bed for a while after Karen left, breathing deep and trying not to let what she said bother them too badly. It barely helped, as the sounds of coughing fits and moaning through contractions, both their own and others, distracted them. Jordan looked for their phone. If nothing else, they could talk to Alex over the phone… Only for Jordan to moan in despair and fall back on the bed. Their phone was in the hospital bag, and in all the commotion, they had left the bag with Alex. "Excuse me," Jordan asked the nurse, a different one, who came to check on them, "Can I get my bag brought to me? I left it with my wife, and, Ouwgh…..hooooooooooooouuuuughhh." The nurse looked sympathetically at Jordan, "I'm sorry, but we're not allowed to leave the ward unless we're transferring a patient in or out." But on the plus side, it looks like you waited a good long while before coming in, you're nearly eight centimeters dilated!" Jordan groaned through the contraction while the nurse checked a few other things. "I don't like where your oxygen levels are at. Ok, sit back in the bed now, we're moving." THe nurse unlocked the wheels on Jordan's bed and began rolling her. "Where are we going?" "We're just moving you to get some oxygen for a little bit, try to get your levels back up." "Why not…. OW! Owowowowowowwwww…" "Unfortunately, we don't have enough to go around right now, so we'll put you on one for now, and once you've gotten a bit better, we'll cycle you out for someone else."
Jordan stayed at the oxygen hub for about an hour. The whole time was spent trying to breathe deeply, coughing into the plastic mask and just feeling miserable. They could tell that they weren't the only one. At the other stations in the area, they could see several other patients, all laboring with similar expressions of misery beyond that of just labor pains. Jordan was just starting to feel a bit stronger when Karen arrived, going over everyone's oxygen levels. "Alright mama, you still have some time here… You aren't looking like you're ready to move off… Alright miss, you're looking alright," Karen said, looking at Jordan's levels. "Can… can you please stop that?" Jordan asked, feeling a bit more able to deal with the constant needling, and feeling supported by just having others near enough to hear it. "Oh, let's not fuss over a little thing like that. Come on, this spot is needed for someone else now," Karen said, unhooking the mask from the machine and pushing Jordan's bed back to their curtained off area from earlier, "And le'ts check that dilation, sound good mom?" "Stop it," Jordan said, "I am not mom, or mama, or miss. I am not a woman! I-KHHHHHHKHHHKHHHHHH!" Jordan's protest cut off as they had a major coughing fit, Karen standing at the end of the bed, with an unamused expression poking over her mask, pulling her gloves on and just diving in to check their dilation. "Well, everything I'm feeling down here tells me that you are a woman, so I won't be putting up with anymore of that nonsense. You can have your delusions out there, but not in my ward." "Khhhkhhhhhhhuukkkk…. Your ward?" Jordan asked, feeling the need to snipe back, before gritting their teeth and pressing flat into the bed as Karen jabbed deeper into their vagina, a contraction building at the same time. "Hmm. Nine centtmeters. It should be soon," Karen said, pulling her hand out mid contraction, the motion feeling like a hot iron being ripped out. Jordan jerked their hips away, crying out and rolling to the side, pressing a hand to their aching vagina, hating the reflexive action. "And I bet you feel like a woman to yourself too," Karen muttered, stripping off the gloves and dropping them in the trash, "I'll be back to check on you later." "Nooooo," Jordan moaned, too pained and suddenly exhausted to properly protest her inevitable return.
Jordan spent the next hour trying to get comfortable, either mentally or physically, they didn't care which. Between the anxiety of dealing with Karen and the hyperventilating it caused, and the newfound pressure building in their hips made worse by their constant coughing, they were teetering on the brink of a breakdown. "Oh god, oh hukkkkhkkkhkkkkkkHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They coughed and groaned, rubbing their belly and trying not to cry. They knew that birth was always different than what anyone ever planned for, but never in their worst dreams did they imagine anything this upsetting. They wanted to get up to relieve the pressure on their back, but doing so put so much pressure on their vagina, that they were always forced to lie back down. Jordan hated that they were now thinking about their body in those terms now too, their vagina aching from Karen's rough treatment during the last check. "I'm sorry Alex, I'm sorry," They panted, thinking back to a few months ago. Alex had insisted that Jordan take some childbirth classes, or at least do some research online with her, but Jordan had waved the ideas off. Everything was tailored for women, not enbies. The language referring to them as mom or mother, or goddess in some of the more spiritual based ones made her so tense with discomfort that it physically hurt. "You'll get me through it when it's time." But now Alex wasn't here. But the baby almost was.
Jordan began pressing their legs together and shrinking back into the bed as best as they could when Karen walked in an hour later. The pressure had gotten so bad that on a few occasions, Jordan had caught themself pushing, small, almost invisible efforts that did little to soothe the pressure. Jordan did their best to make themselves as small as possible in the bed while Karen silently pulled on her gloves, the pressure getting worse as their hips ground against something while they tried to close their legs. "Come on now mama," Karen said, snapping a glove on and positioning herself at the end of the bed, "I can't check you if your legs are closed." "That's the idea…" Jordan grunted as they struggled through another contraction. They held out as Karen pulled the second glove on began removing the blanket coverings their legs, but as Jordan strained to keep everything tight, they started coughing, their whole body convulsing with the violent hacking rasps. "OW-KUUUUHHHHH! NO, STO-KUUUUUKUHHHKUHH! OWWW!" They screamed as the pressure surging from the coughs forced their legs open and Karen darted in, her hand finding their vagina easily and shoving inside. "AAAAAAUGHHHHHHKHHHHUHHHKKKK! S-STOP! OH GOD GET OUT!" Karen's hand dug forward, each millimeter feeling like she was dragging her nails against the sensitive tissue, the passage fighting her the whole way while Jordan's body still contracted.
Jordan writhed and coughed through the entire check, their eyes unable to see as they filled with tears at the pain. they barely heard Karen as she pulled her hand out almost as roughly as she had pushed in. "Fully dilated. I'll go inform the doctor," Karen said, "Try not to push until someone gets back here, ok mama?" Before Jordan could respond, Karen turned and strode out of the curtained off area. Jordan groaned, their legs shaking as they closed them, their vagina aching and stinging from Karen's harsh treatment. But even worse than that, possibly because Karen had said not to, the urge to push was getting worse. All Jordan could think about was how badly they needed to just leg go. Clenching their teeth, Jordan hissed in and out, knees shaking as they tried not to. They were fully dilated, the doctor would be along soon, the baby would come out, and they could get back to Alex. "I…I can do this," Jordan strained out through clenched teeth, "I can do this…"
After what seemed like an eternity, the curtain rustled as Karen returned. "The doctor is busy with a more complicated delivery, She said, "I'll be taking care of you until he finishes up." "No, nonononooooooooOOOOOOOOGGGGHHHHHHHHH AHukkkkkkhhhhhhkhkhkkh" Jordan protested, their words drawing out into groans and coughs as another contraction brought a renewed surge in pressure. Jordan's legs trembled as they struggled to keep them closed, to keep themself safe from Karen's rough treatment. "Oh don't be so worried, I've delivered babies with hundreds of women, and you will be no different." "I… am…. Not… a woman," Jordan bit out as they tried to breathe. "Oh, leave the make believe out of this, you don't have the energy to keep it up now. Now let's get things going, shall we?" Karen set about transforming the bed into it's delivery mode, the bottom third dropping down and out of the way, stirrups being slotted into brackets and Jordan felt their legs being lifted and dropped in. "Can… can you get someone else? I don'tttttttttchhhhhhhuaaarrrgh!" Karen shook her head as she finished her preparations and began pulling a fresh pair of gloves on, "None of that now, it's time to push." With that, Karen got on a stool she had placed at the end of the bed and dug her fingers into Jordan once again. "Now, deep breath and push!"
Jordan felt like there was no progress. Between the stress and the coughing, they felt too tense to push properly, and every attempt just made the pressure worse. "Right down here mama, push my fingers out." "TSSSssssskuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhkhkkkkkhukhukkkk Ow ow ow……" Jordan coughed out, trying their best to do just that. Jordan didn't like people touching them all that much, and while they didn't know much about hospital births, they were pretty certain that having fingers in their vagina the entire time while pushing wasn't normal. It hurt, it was distracting, and worst of all, it felt malicious. Something about the way Karen was doing it almost seemed like she was trying to tell Jordan 'You are a woman. This down here is what makes you a woman.' Not matter how hard Jordan tried to get those thoughts out of their head, they just couldn't shake them. Taking as deep of a breath as they could, Jordan pushed again, clenching their teeth, their neck and head trembling from the effort. "Good job mama, see, that's a good push, that's what you were made to do," Karen crooned, making Jordan shudder, loosing the push. "You… need… stop calling me a mother, I am not a motherrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAGGGGGHGHH!"
Jordan arched their back and forced it flat against the bed as another contraction came right on the heels of the last, pushing as hard as they could with it. Karen dug her fingers in like a tick and pressed down, but Jordan barely felt it. What they felt instead was something huge descending. Karen began saying something, but Jordan couldn't hear her over their coughing that the sudden shift in their body caused. By the time the coughing had cleared, Karen was looking expectantly at Jordan. "Wh..what?" "I can see the head when you cough, so we're getting close. Now I don't want you to tear, so I'll help slow the baby down when it starts crowning." Jordan paled. They had been so worked up about the pressure, they had forgotten about crowning. The ring of fire. They tried to shift, to close their legs a bit, but each attempted movement sent jabs of pain into their hips and back, making them cry out and cough more. Before they knew it, they were pushing along with another contraction. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god make it stoooppp," Jordan begged, hating the feeling of the head driving down. They could feel every last fraction of an inch as it moved down, stretching and pushing, filling the space between their hips and going further down. They'd heard that pushing helped with the pressure, made it more bearable, but it did anything but that. "Please, please stop, please pull it out," Jordan gasped between pushes, "I can't, I can't…" "You were made for this," Karen said, an edge of frustration in her voice, "You need to push now."
Jordan kept pushing, their groans and coughing turning into raw, ragged screams as the head began to get low enough to be seen, the massive size of it stretching their lips wider and wider. "Ok Jordan, you're nearly crowning, this is where I help you, ok mama?" "STOOOOOPPPPPPHHHHHAAAAAARRRRGGGGGH!" Jordan screamed, the protest turning into a convulsion as they tried to scream, push and cough all at once. The head seemed to throb inside of them, making their lips burn with each miniscule movement in and out. Desperate to make it stop, Jordan pushed, trying to get it out. But something seemed to hold it back. Jordan looked down to see Karen holding her arms between their legs, but couldn't see anything past their belly. "What.. why? What's happening?" "I'm slowing it down so you don't tear sweetie," Karen said, sounding innocent, "Just standard procedure." "Let it out, stop! Let me PUUUUUSSSSHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAGHK!" Jordan began coughing again, screaming as each cough sent surges of pressure through them. It felt like they were about to blow apart. And with a desperate final push, Jordan gasped and fell limp on the bed as they felt themselves stretch just a little bit more and a popping sensation that was followed by a gush of fluids. "There's the head mama!" Karen said, "Thank you god, oh good job!" Jordan wanted to cry. They were so close to meeting their baby, but all they could think about was how they wanted anyone but this nurse delivering. Anyone. With a final exhausted push, Jordan felt the baby slip and tumble out of them, the pressure seeming to drain away, making them cough and shake as they head the baby crying. "Give…give me my baby," Jordan said as they struggled to pull themself together. "I'm sorry," Karen said, their voice getting eerily calm, "But I thought you said you weren't the mother." "What? No, give me my baby… what are you doing, stop!" Jordan watched in horror as Karen took the last part of their birth plan away from them, cutting the cord.
Alex was biting her nails in the waiting room when she heard the door to the C ward hissing open. Looking up, they did a double take as she saw Jordan, looking half dead being wheeled out, sobbing incoherently, their eyes seeming to roam without focusing on anything. "Jordan! Jordan, what happened?" "I'm sorry, I KUUUUHUUUUKKKUUUHHUUHH, I fell! I'm sorry!" "You fell, what, what happened? Where's the baby?" "She took them," Jordan wailed, gripping Alex, their eyes fixing on her, "She took the baby!" "What?" Alex asked as she walked alongside the bed, "What do you mean?" It took a while before Alex could get the story. The nurse who had wheeled Jordan out didn't seem to know what was happening, but promised to look into it. It took Jordan almost twenty minutes before they could catch enough of their breath to explain. The nurse, Karen, had claimed that she couldn't release the baby to anyone but the baby's mother, which Jordan had 'repeatedly denied being', in her words. So the baby was in the nursery, and without a matching band, neither Jordan nor Alex could go to see them. "I don't even know if it's a boy or girl…" Jordan sobbed. Alex was frozen in pure fury. She had known that something bad would happen. It had happened to her when she had given birth, and it was happening again. Alex grabbed the bed remote and pressed the call button. "Yes?" The nurse asked, sounding concerned and hesitant. "I want our baby brought to us, and I'd like to speak with the charge nurse."
It turned out that Karen was the charge nurse, as she explained while bringing in a small bundle. "I'm told that you wanted to see me?" Karen said with something hiding under her tone that made the otherwise pleasant looking woman seem vicious. "We want our baby," Alex said, "Give them to us." Karen's face twitched slightly as she made a show of looking around the room, "I can't just release the baby to anyone but the mother or father. Jordan has repeatedly claimed to not be the mother, if the father around?" "I am Jordan's wife, and the baby's mother, I-" "Wife? No, that's not how that works," Karen said, "Not at all. I'm sorry, but if the parents aren't here, I'll be taking this little one back to the nursery." "Please, bring… I want my baby," Jordan sobbed, trying to get up, groaning in pain as they tried, prompting Alex to rush to them. At the sound of Jordan's voice, the baby began making snuffling noises and crying, and Jordan cried harder hearing it. Before anyone could say anything else, Karen left the room, taking the baby with her, Jordan collapsing and sobbing against Alex. Alex looked frantically between Jordan and the door, her partner, and the direction of their baby, feeling like she was being torn in two. "One second Jordan, ok? Give me one second." "Don't leave me," Jordan begged, still crying and coughing. "I won't," Alex replied, pulling her phone out of her pocket and calling a number she had saved, "Hey, Veronica? I need help at Sunhead hospital. I'll need one of our lawyers and probably one of our advocates. I… I can't be in two places at once. Ok, thanks."
It was only a half hour before Alex's backup arrived, but it felt like an eternity. "Thank you so much," She said, "I just… I can't be in two places at once." "You said that," Adam, Alex's friend, and a lawyer with their advocacy group replied, "Why don't you fill me in?" Alex looked at Jordan, who was curled on their side, still crying, "Jordan, I'll be right back, ok?" Jordan made no sign that they heard Alex. Alex bit her lip, trying not to cry herself, and stepped into the hallway with Adam. "Ok, here's what's been going on," Alex began, and started telling Adam everything.
Karen knew she should have gone back to the C ward. But she knew that this was more important. She had to keep this baby safe from those two heathens who wanted to take her and corrupt her. "Don't worry love," She said, looking down at the baby she was supposedly taking back tot he nursery, "I have you. I'll take care of you." She knew that in order to do this, she would have to take drastic action. She started by swinging by the nurses station at the other end of the maternity wing. "You, come here," She said, and the young nurse, a woman who's nametag read 'Ava' set down her clipboard and waddled over. Karen could see the large swell of her belly as she came to a stop and leaned on the counter to take the weight off of her back, "Yeah, what's up?" Karen bristled, not liking the casual tone, but decided to hold off on the retort. She had more important matters to deal with. "The mother in room 4145 says she's not the mother of this baby." "Is there a mistake with the band, or…" "No, nothing like that. I don't think she wants this sweet baby girl. I'd like you to start the paperwork for infant surrender." Ava started, wincing as the sudden motion seemed to strain her back, "Uh. I don't-" Karen cut her off, "I'm the senior charge nurse. Just do it."
"…And that's when she took the baby out and away from us," Alex finished telling the story to Adam. "Ok," Adam said, and finished jotting notes down, "Have you or Jordan signed anything?" "No, nothing like that," Alex said, "I think it just boils down to that really shit level of homophobia where they think that babies need to be raised in a nuclear household. Like most of our cases in Mississippi or Tennessee." "Oh, so prejudice. Well, if they haven't done any official steps to keep separation, it would suggest that this nurse Karen is acting alone, and the hospital is probably fully unaware of what's been happening. I'll need to interview Jordan as soon as they-" "GET OUT!" Jordan's voice screamed from the hospital room. Alex blanched and bolted down the hallway until she was in the room, looking at a heavily pregnant nurse looking shocked, and Jordan coughing and screaming and crying all at once. "I don't, I'm sorry, but I was told," The nurse stammered, holding a clipboard with a few pages and a pen. "Jordan, what is it?" Alex asked, climbing onto the bed and curling around their partner, Jordan gripping onto her for dear life. "They want to steal my baby," Jordan wailed. Alex looked up with a furious look, and Adam turned to the nurse. "I'm Adam Fischer, I am Alex and Jordan Garcia's lawyer. May I?" The nurse looked visibly startled at hearing that there was a lawyer involved, and mutely handed the documents over. "Thank you… Ah, Ava," Adam said, reading the nametag, and began looking over the paperwork, "This is a document for surrendering an infant to the hospital to be placed in the foster system. These are only supposed to be brought on request."
Ava began trembling as Adam looked at her. "I want my baby," Jordan wailed, and Adam glanced at them before looking back at Ava. "Sounds to me like that isn't the case. May I ask why this was brought here?" "Th-the charge nurse t-told me to b-bring it here," Ava stammered, holding a hand to her belly and looking like she'd rather be anywhere else. "Who is the charge nurse," Alex asked, glaring daggers at Ava, who, upon seeing the furious look on her face began trembling more. "I-I-I-I-I," Ava stammered, looking like she was about to cry. "Alex, take care of Jordan," Adam said, "You called me to handle this. Let me handle this." Once Adam calmed Ava down, he got the name. Karen had sent the paperwork in. Adam was starting to want to meet Karen when he heard this, but decided that he should see the baby first. Ava led him to the nursery to get a nasty surprise. "What do you mean the baby isn't here?" Ava asked the nurse monitoring the rows of newborns. "There isn't anyone with a band for 4145," The nurse replied, "I don't know what to tell you. Is this a code pink?" Ava hesitated, then nodded, "I think so. No matter what's going on, there's a missing baby."
Karen had just stepped outside and was making her way around the side of the building to the emergency room when her pager went off. Muttering, she hurried to her destination before she checked it. Newly added to the outside of the emergency room was a Safe Haven box, her way to keep the baby out of the hands of those two. She opened the door and placed the baby in, closing it and moving quickly back to the side door she had propped open to re-enter. Looking at her pager, she swore under her breath. "Ungrateful little bitch," She snarled as she read the words 'code pink' scanning across the screen. Clearing it, she ran down the service hallway and entered the emergency room to find a commotion as the baby was removed from the Safe Haven box and was being examined. Nodding in satisfaction, Karen moved to talk with the social work department. She could think of no one better to raise the baby than herself. Her own son had recently moved out, and she had been feeling lonely. While she didn't want to give birth again, she would absolutely raise this new lost soul.
"Who called for the code pink?" The hospital administrator, a stern looking woman named June asked as she entered the room. "I did," Ava admitted, "I-" "Did you bring this up with your charge nurse?" June asked, but Adam stepped in. "That is part of the problem Administrator June. We don't know where the charge nurse is, and she is the one who has been causing my clients problems." June recognized the tone of voice instantly and realized that Adam was a lawyer. "I see. Ava, who is your charge nurse?" "Karen Lowe," Ava replied, and June pulled out her phone and dialed a number into it. "Security? I need a building lockdown, and I need someone to go over the security footage for the last hour for this floor."
It didn't take long to track down where the baby had gone, and to bring Karen in for questioning. While that was being handled, June and Ava went to find the baby in the emergency room. "Thank god she's alright," Ava said as she found the baby being fed by one of the ER staff. "Yeah, she was just dropped off, I was just feeding her before-" "She was removed from the building without permission," June interrupted, "Was she hurt in anyway?" "No, no, she was in perfect health." June closed her eyes and sighed in relief, "Alright. Was a blood sample taken?" "Yep, just sent to the lab." "Call and see if they can have it matched to Jordan Garcia, they're a patient with us. Until then, Ava, I would like you to return her to the Garcias. I need to put out a few fires." Ava nodded and grabbed a bassinet to bring the girl back to where she belonged.
"Hey," A soft voice called out as Ava came in, wheeling in the bassinet in with the baby in it, "Here you are…" "Oh god," Jordan sobbed, wanting to get up, but feeling too drained to do more than sit up, "My baby!" Ava parked the bassinet and picked the baby up, bringing the small bundle to Jordan, who began shrugging out of their gown to finally do skin to skin like they had planned. The baby, dressed in soft clothes, no the ones they and Alex had brought, but the hospital had provided, whimpered and squirmed as Jordan adjusted to holding them for the first time. As they did, the baby woke up and began snuffling. "Oh, ok baby, hold on," Jordan said, guiding a breast to the baby. They had been aching for hours now, seeming to fill with milk, only to just feel tight, hot and swollen, making all of the comments from Karen feel more pointed. The baby moved their mouth around, but didn't latch, just yawning and falling back asleep. "Come on baby…" They begged, hoping to get at least this, hoping to get this one part of first bonding after birth. "Oh, she was just fed, so she might not be hungry right now," Ava said, as she signed something and stepped back.
Jordan felt something shatter inside. The baby, a girl, the gender told to them by a stranger, and in an offhand comment, had been fed formula, and didn't want them. They held perfectly still as they felt a storm of thoughts and emotions building inside. The baby doesn't need me. I wasn't there. She's been fed already. Doesn't need me. Doesn't need, doesn't want. "Jordan, honey," Alex said, a note of worry in her voice. "Take… take her," Jordan said, their voice shaking, their hands trembling almost as violently. Jordan ensured that Alex had the baby before getting up, their legs unsteady as they got up for only the second time since giving birth. Ava offered to help them move, but Jordan couldn't look at her. They stumbled to the bathroom, pulling the door shut behind them, looking at their reflection in the mirror. They didn't know what they were seeing, but hated it. Hated what had happened. Hated their birth. "WHHYYYYYYY!" Jordan screamed, letting everything go. They gripped the sink and sobbed, slowly collapsing to the floor, feeling pain in every inch of their body and soul.
