[valotar]

yeah i'm good i just realized i answer the phone with the same cadence as my grandpa. my laugh still lines up with my childhood best friend. my feet still know the way to the crossing even when it's overgrown. all this is to say that even under all the grime there is still something good, something feather-light and holy. the gold-spun cloud of it still lives in my chest.

[valotar]

i'm good, it's just that there's still this open wound where my ribs should be. and sometimes i run into people who saw it being carved there, and i'm afraid they will only ever see the blood. that's all.

[valotar]

idk. i'm just trying to keep the waters calm, i guess. the trying feels like a closed fist. the need of it feels like a storm, only barely under the lid. this all just feels like pushing around the dust.

i am trying to be kinder to myself, but i'm not sure i speak that language.

[valotar]

yeah yeah i'm good it's just that my soul is always at least half-on-fire and it is burning my throat. i'm still holding hands with the ghost of my childhood, pulling her along. i still want to scream with every exhale sometimes. i still miss the sea. i don't know how to put down the armor. i am still holding my hands out, always waiting for the next breath.

[valotar]

deep down there is the hollow,

and the hoping that it's not empty all the way through.

there is the echo, though.

in this light, i'm not sure anyone would love me.

[valotar]

i'm good, it's just that sometimes i remember the hollow, the well, the nothing at the bottom. i am 30 years old and sometimes it still surprises me that maybe it shouldn't have been how it was. i'm, like, good, and here, and laughing, but i still feel like i'm standing on glass sometimes. you know? there's nothing at the centre of this. i just wrapped myself around it without ever even knowing the shape. just trying to find roots in the sand.

and i'm good! i am! it's just. sometimes it echoes here, and it takes a bit too long for the wind to carry over. that's all.

[valotar]

the problem is, i think, that i've never really been a part of anything that felt very real. maybe i'm still just floating. maybe i've never had my feet on the ground.

maybe i'm scared no-one will ever catch me.

[valotar]

idk. it's all just very peaceful, like, in a way i didn't think was possible. you let me lean on you and don't move even when your leg falls asleep.

i used to think that hiding was the default. but you just exist, out loud, and it's unraveling something in me. i grew up holding my breath and have been clawing my way out ever since, everything after has been a conscious effort, a push, a fight, i've been holding up this sword for my whole life and now it's just. like. oh. maybe i can put it down. maybe i can just be here, in this softness. maybe it didn't have to be like it was. maybe in some houses you're not afraid to laugh at the dinner table.

[valotar]

yeah i think most people are good actually. like have you seen kids that advocate for unloved animals with like, the fire of a thousand stars in their bones. have you seen david attenborough. have you ever been to a live concert. the singers don't even have to sing for the song to be there. have you seen the new moss concrete walls. have you ever spoken to a scientist? i want to put every politician in a room and shake them until they get it. we could still fix things! this is the only fucking planet we've got and most of us are just trying to make art! we're just trying to feel the sun! we just want the tadpole pond not to dry while we wait for the rain!

[valotar]

idk. i just noticed i share a laugh with my childhood best friend, and even after not-really-spending-time-together-in-years we still say the same things at the same time and it's like. oh. yeah. your soul is still inertwined with mine. i get it now. our souls are still linked at the elbows

[valotar]

unfortunately,

it's still easy. the path is still there, pressed in the moss. you still look to me for answers.

even if it's been years,

we still speak the same language.

[valotar]

i don't know. maybe this is just the undiagnosed abused eldest daughter talking, but i really don't know how to let any of this go. how am i supposed to feel like anything but a burden. am i ever supposed to feel like i'm the correct shape for this world. how am i ever supposed to feel like. i don't know. like just a person instead of a function. i don't know how i'm supposed to learn to bend around this. i don't know how i'm supposed to stop trying.

[valotar]

the older i get, the clearer it becomes how kindness is an instinct, not an extra step. and i know what the world is like now. i see it from the outside. and my jaw is tight with it; it is so easy. to be kind. to love. to care. and the further removed i am from my childhood the clearer it becomes that i was never the problem. i was just a child.

[valotar]

hey so is anyone else like, slowly boiling with rage. why is it still like this? why is the world not better yet? how did it ever get like this in the first place?

it is so tiring fighting the system but what the fuck else are you supposed to do. i can't just let it keep being rotten, either. and i know, i know i don't have to fight every fight, but see, i have hands now. i have hands and teeth and i'm done barking.

and yeah. maybe it's a small victory, the privilege of being a bitch. but i'll fucking take it, because i can. sure, i'll be a problem. then maybe eventually our granddaughters will only have to worry about the bears.

[valotar]

i don't, like, want to be stuck on things from a few decades ago, but what else am i supposed to do. how am i supposed to grow roots now when they formed on something hollow in the first place. how am i supposed to see anything but the weight of it all. how is it supposed to be anything but heavy?

i don't know. maybe if i've already grown like this how am i supposed to know any other shape. there's never been anything else here. all the tree ever does is remember.

[valotar]

i think there's something to be said about the library of alexandria and the invention of the radio and wikipedia and the very human instinct to share. we discovered invisible light that we can use to transmit information and we said hey. watch this.

and then we made the whole planet sing! we figured out a way to send stuff across whole oceans! we did that and we said can you hear me?

here's a song. for all the lonely souls out there.

and then! then we made computers! did you know the world wide web was made for sharing things? because particle physicists didn't want to wait for the mail?

and what is it now if not the largest library ever imagined. we have this thing and we're all just always sharing things. here, look at this. i thought of you. did you know people will build little steps in their dams so that giant salamanders can walk over them.

[valotar]

i don't know. i think mostly the world is a beautiful place. there is so much good. we make art and we make friends and we tell stories to the kids that can't read yet. we shield them from the dark.

sunflowers turn to each other when they cannot turn to the sun. this is a common metaphor; we turn to each other, too.

even in the dark times, there will be singing.

i don't know. i think most people are good. they gotta be, right? i don't know what it is that makes the few rotten ones so loud, or why evolution hasn't stepped in yet to weed out the violence, but i just. i think that there is a better world under all this.

i hope we will all be there to see it.