[yungdonr]

i like mine obsessed and touchy

[vampnightclub]

[vampnightclub]

Had $9 in cash tips tonight and really wanted to try this recipe I saw so I did my best with what I could with the cash alongside what I had at home.

It’s a vegetable cheese sauce (garlic, onion, red pepper, cauliflower, seasonings, little bit of protein flax milk) with chickpea pasta!

5/10 the colder it gets the more I don’t want to finish it but I think I’m going to try to just use tortilla chips to finish this off. I’m proud of myself for my determination and desire for a healthier meal / veg focused. Really excited to try this again though with a few different ingredients!

I want to make my belly happy and my mind/body strong!!!!

[vampnightclub]

Today, I noticed a deep pain within me. Witnessing two (what I assume to be) girls in a car riding together, both of them seemingly joyous and comical. It left me with tears in my eyes. A part of my tears were for their happiness throughout this world of chaos, but another part… the deepest part was a pain that I wish I could experience that in that moment. There’s a theme today of lost sparks. Joy, whimsy, an overall feeling of content within.. Where has it gone? Does anyone have it anymore? Are we all a cry for help at this point?

A coworker came in and as we started chatting, I mentioned this lingering feeling. He presented his non-tarot divination cards and said to pull one. For a moment, I remembered how I feel I have even lost my communication and closeness with tarot and wanted to see if things would be different this time with someone else’s deck\energy.

The first one I pulled was the one on the right… lol

A GOLDEN JOKER? My coworker says to me “how ironic… this world is a joke” —

I decided I needed more than just one card so I pulled another. Ace of spades. I asked my coworker what he had thought about it because my mind just wasn’t quite there to interpret it yet and he goes.. “Well that seems like a power card to me. Did you notice the rip?”

[vampnightclub]

I don’t want to die with this catastrophic need to be chosen by a romantic partner…

In the process of taking a hydroxazine then a couple droppers of skullcap and thought to myself the possibility of taking too much medicine alongside herbs and the idea of dying from overdose (I really doubt that’s going to happen), but I was in the middle of my kitchen with the lights off. Only the blue and red light were on in my room bleeding into the kitchen. I’m taking the skullcap then all of the sudden I’m thinking about how if I did pass then all that was left of my last moments would have been pain, grief, and loneliness; Of wanting deep warmth from my partner. I left his place bummed because he doesn’t take goodbyes as seriously as I do (we live across the street… so I can understand he thinks differently about it than I do) and will sometimes do it so brusquely. I became so in my head about the idea that I lack importance. The sensation that came through me internally was as if death was just a black box of nothingness and silence.

To pass on in such a breadth of loneliness… Sadness and yearning in almost a punitive manner. I long for such a deep love that I never question my importance to someone. This isn’t to blame my partner; Only to show myself what I desire. Truly have no idea how long it will take for me to choose myself (shamelessly + wholeheartedly) and feel such a richness within my own.

Please.

[vampnightclub]

[vampnightclub]

Personal curriculum

Readings / vocabulary/ note taking

Survival / the collapse of our world today

1 new skill a month

I’ve been taking myself to the library down the street and spending at least an hour minimum on reading and writing notes/vocabulary. This is something that has inspired me to make this a regular thing and expand my knowledge.

[vampnightclub]

The power of my mind can be so strong especially when tied with love. The smell of it the taste of it the embrace of it…truly a drug I cannot get enough of

[vampnightclub]

I just want to love myself and appreciate myself and understand who I am. Find the sparkling door the velvet curtains the melting candles the roses the roses the roses

[vampnightclub]

I don’t know what I’d like to do for myself anymore. It’s like it’s time for me to really make decisions for myself and I’ve become so far gone from my own wisdom…agency…vibrancy… I’ve latched on so entirely with him my nails are trying to curl into skin so it stays put

[vampnightclub]

The reminder that a lover does not complete you and every bone in my body is refusing to believe this is true

[vampnightclub]

PLAN 4 DAY OFF pt.2

Wake up - Brush Teeth - Shower

Moisturize - Eyebrows

Hot tea w/ Lemon and lots of water

(Rose and Fennel)

STRETCH FOR AT LEAST 30 MIN

• LIQUID IV

Practice NASTY GIRL / ALL THE CRITICS

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Go for walk

🫀🌀🫀

Practice NASTY GIRL / ALL THE CRITICS PT. 2

Clean drag !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️

[vampnightclub]

Fennel tea, mung bean sprouts with kimchi… stomach needs a reset and some good ol’ nourishment

[vampnightclub]

I walked in a restaurant 3 min away from my apartment for a pickup order and see some people I know once I came through the door. Nice good convo is going then this dyke bartender is asking why I’m here, I say for a pickup then they give me this (what I took to be) rude / sassy response “well it looks like it may just be over where it says pickup order” and I was so taken aback… then when I went to get it they asked if I liked (insert liquor name here I don’t remember) and I said probably not but then they offered me a shot of it. I say yes then am taking this shot with 5 other people. I must say this was a crazy yet memorable of an experience

[vampnightclub]

( for the next day)

Goodmorning my darling 🥀…

First thing I would like you to do is forgive yourself and give yourself a full body scan. Feel every inch of your body as deep as you can. It’s okay if you cry when this happens …

Second thing I want you to do is your usual routine— brush your teeth, wash your face, maybe hop in the shower real quick. It’s been hot outside. Moisturize your face because you love taking care of your skin. Do your eyebrows nice and sharp for me. Make yourself a pot of coffee or maybe just black tea. You got that sugar free toasted marshmallow creamer you like! Make yourself some eggs and veggies too I promise you won’t regret it.

Next, let’s go ahead and fold your freshly washed clothes and put them away. I can’t wait to see what outfit you pick out for yourself today :))))))!!!!

Please be so kind to yourself. If you’d like, put on your headphones and listen to some jazz. Move your body while you’re at it too!! Lord knows you love to dance.

Go for a walk. Breathe deep. Feel your pain, but also feel your joy. I love you. Ever so tenderly, Lanchlen.

[vampnightclub]

I would like to read more, write more, experience more, move my body more, write down recipes and cook more, forgive more.. I just want to be free and feel love and have love come back to me. I want to be real.

[vampnightclub]

First day at the coffee shop went amazing and I’m excited for this new opportunity :) hope it takes me cool places. New barista and bartender at global gallery!