5 Alternate Reality E3 Press Conferences
Imagine if you will, you are being transported. Where? You cannot say, you awake in a press conference much like the one this summer of our lord 2013 with E’s numbered in threes. But what is this? A subtle change in the hawking of high price electronic fun machines has occurred? How can it be so? You good sir or madam have stepped beyond the bounds of mere E3 and into E4, the FORTH DIMENSION! Alternate Reality #1: The one where Sony fucks up again At this year’s E3 Expo we saw Sony burn Microsoft so bad that their new name is ash. While Microsoft doubled down on their bet of always online DRM, and sexy voyeur Kinect camera, and then quickly changed their tune when they realized that, “Oh crap, these nerds have their shit together and are telling everyone not to buy our electronic spy machine and Sony isn’t doing it too!” But what if… What if Sony HAD towed the line of restrictive DRM (Digital Rights Management, in other words making sure you own games) like everyone and their brother thought they would? If Sony came out and announced similar policies then the pressure flies off Microsoft as both companies share in the ire of angry gamers. This would most assuredly lead to their amazing reversal not coming to fruition. It would also alleviate fears that the big publishers had about going whole hog on these policies. The most important change would be Sony losing the crazy momentum they have going into the end of the year launches of the systems. Alternate Reality #2 Microsoft Back Pedals on Stage The Xbox 180, as hipsters seem to be calling the reversal of the DRM policies Microsoft laid out at E3 may be as historical as other wild moments of gaming history like the original Playstation launch price and the surprise Sega Saturn launch. Gamers ran riot all over the internets at the poor PR of Microsoft and their shitty plans. It seems to have given Activision, EA, and other big game publishers cold feet even though they supposedly wanted these restrictions. This left Microsoft out in the cold all by themselves, bearing the brunt of all the hated. But what if… What if live on stage Microsoft said they had heard the dissatisfaction leading up to the show and were listening to you, their valued victims…er customers. Don Mattrick, while still seeming like a squirrely rat, could pledge that the Xbox brand cares about the people that got them where they are and then state no disc checks or always online nonsense. This takes ALL the wind out of Sony’s sails, or rather SALES…yeah bad pun moving on. Alternate Reality #3 Nintendo pulls a Sega One of the craziest moments in gaming history is when Sega decided to stealth launch the Sega Saturn months ahead of schedule. When this stunningly bad idea went south on them they then quickly abandoned the system and announced the Dreamcast, Alas by that time they had lost too much trust and were not long for the console making world. Now it is no secret the Wii U is not setting the world on fire like it’s older brother, The Wii, did. Still Nintendo has long been content to just sit over in its own little sand box like some weird kid. They just kind of do what they want and most of the other guys just leave them alone as they daydream about plumber men getting big on mushrooms, pink ball men sucking up everything, and pocket monsters that kids collect and fight with. But what if… What if Nintendo totally lost its shit and announced an early successor to the Wii U, the Wii Woo or something. Why? Maybe the shareholders got nervous over Sonly and Microsoft coming with their big new toys and wanted something as powerful. Maybe they have ADD and find some new crazy thing to put onto a system besides a crappy tablet. This would probably ruin Nintendo’s rep just like it did Sega’s. Wii U buyers would be furious that their almost brand new systems were now obsolete before even having much of a life. It would be a Virtual Boy disaster but on a much more epic scale. Alternate Reality #4 Nintendo Partners Up What makes Nintendo, well, Nintendo is the classic line up of games and characters they have. To many the idea of even playing video games is still referred to as “playing Nintendo”. If you want your Mario, Zelda, Metroid, or Pokemon you have to saddle up with The Big N or do without. This has allowed Nintendo to do its own thing for years upon years of questionable decisions. But what if… What if Nintendo partners up with Sony or Microsoft to do a crossover of first party games? Let’s say that Nintendo hooks their wagon up to Sony, the likely choice as they are both Japanese companies, and announces Nintendo franchises like Zelda based around the strengths of the PS4, and in return Nintendo gets access to first party Sony exclusives like Killzone or God of War to do insane stuff with their tablet thingy. Imagine using your finger on the tablet to slash dudes up ala God of War style. If for some reason they partner up with Xbox One you could see some crazy Nintendo version of Halo or Fable that uses all sorts of nifty Wii U featurs while getting to play Smash Bros. featuring Master Chief and Marcus Phenix as guest characters to rip the shit out of Mario and Yoshi’s punk asses. Crazy as it sounds it might give people a reason to own both. This last generation people said they wanted a Wii60 in regards to the high price of the Playstation 3. Likely though, Nintendo would be the one to suffer on the sales front. Alternate Reality #5 Sega is back bitches! As mentioned before Sega basically forced itself to bow out of the console market. They had a good thing going with the Genesis but fucked it up with stupid addons that they quickly abandoned. They pissed off companies like EA with their super secret Saturn launch when it went tits up they were left with out a lot of support from gamers and publishers when the Dreamcast rolled out. This was really sad because the Dreamcast kicked all kinds of ass. It was ahead of its time when it came to online as it shipped with a modem. Seganet allowed early online multiplayer in homes long before Xbox Live or PSN. Think the Wii U tablet is cool? Sega had the VMU back in the day that while much simpler, had some similar concepts. PS2 rocked the world and the Dreamcast lay mostly forgotten, the gravestone of a bygone era of Sega consoles. But what if… What if beyond all reason, beyond all hope, beyond all the laws of business and physics Sega found a way back? Somehow they get the right talent, the right design, and the right backers to get themselves back into the game. Imagine the absolute stunned faces when Sega comes out to announce the Sega Phoenix. Now they no longer have to pimp out Sonic the Hedgehog like some crackwhore but can get back to what they do best…oh wait their best is pimping out Sonic like a crackwhore.
