you were my happy place

[that-suicidal-slut]

I strongly believe in numerology, the power of threes specifically, and have numerous factual reasons as to why.

Unfortunately, since this is one of my last posts, you’ll never really get to hear much about it.

However, with that being said, and this coincidentally being my 13,400th post. I’m putting this blog, along with my others attached to this email, to rest.

I shall continue with tumblr, under a new account and new email, and I wish my mutuals nothing but the best in their life and travels.

Here’s my playlist and postlist.

Breezeblocks, till it’s gone, love, she came along, broken, white flag by dido. In that order. And then, if you made it to the end — thug na$ty by OG Nixin. Please.

It’s 07:00 on the dot here, I’ve been up since 4:00am

Please listen along if you care about me and want to realize why I need my diary back.

For those of you who have my number or other social media, please feel free to reach out.

With the above being said, all the red flags, I rest my case, these accounts, and raise your red, my white flag.

Goodbye everyone. If not a long hiatus, a final goodbye

[vanlllasweet]

There is not one, but two cars more than accessible in the driveway and I *do* have shit to do today.

But my mental health is just like “Nah bitch” and the holidays are busy for everyone but this is a historically busy week for my family every fckn year and it just sucks I’m getting hit w my depression bullshit at the same time my family’s going through some shit .. and I can’t be there for them.

Anyways.

***in the screenshot above is a conversation between my mother and I. Where I’m talking about how I’ve been having an issue getting out of bed, and I want caffeine (I don’t drink coffee).

This is a daily issue but today, is a rough mental day, and I’m trying to vent to my mother. However she’s not accepting of it.. and is telling me that I should quit my job, which is her answer to everything.

Quit. Give up. Don’t do it.

This is the reason that I am working so fucking hard right now. Because I do not want to be around this type of mindset anymore. I want to work, I want to contribute to society, I want a family, I want to travel and I want to be there for my fuckin kids. I want to do something now so I’m not kicking myself later like she tells me she is every day.

Sorry for the rant. It’s just really hard to start coming to terms and understanding not only why you think and act the way you do/how you were raised — but *how* to change that.

And it didn’t just start with my mother. This is not something she just picked up one day.

This is about the way my families been for generations. Quitting and giving up. Settling. “Que sera, sera”. What was, will be.

Fuck that. Do better. Try harder. Have an actual fuckin family you talk to, care about, *want* to be around. Not just “they’re family. They’re there. You have to love them” shit.

I will literally be damned if I ever chose to raise my children or even start a family in a household with morals anywhere close to that. I just want.. a family that actually enjoys each other, not just.. tolerates because ‘they have to’.

[plsstopfollowingme]

You know how..the robotic tone of the voicemail operator slightly says each key with a different inflection when you go to leave a message? I’ve had the way she says yours memorized. It’s how I first became familiar with your number. It’s how I first learned it.. almost 10 fucking years ago.

And that sounds kinda, sweet.. almost. Innocent. It’s been years since I’ve called you and actually *listened* to the voicemail, and I did it just now to hear it again (and get your attention).

But, while doing so..I got flooded back with so, so many memories from the last decade, good and bad, like the one I shared in the first sentence. “Aww, I haven’t heard that fully in years.. that’s how I learned your number..🥺” but.. think about that.

Step back.. from my psychological point of view.. with my mental health and past trauma in the back of your head, and think about it.

I learned your number.. because you were ignoring me.. and instantly I was like “Aww, cute. I’m learning his number” cause ten years ago, that was around the time I used to feel confident in leaving voicemails, and I’d wait it out and listen to yours.

Think about that for a few, please. And do not take this negatively. I legitimately want a visualization/realization from you like the one I just had.



^ 12/42/21 @ 12:43 <- I *will* be back to edit this on a subblog in a couple hours/by the end of tonight.

[plsstopfollowingme]

“Two months left in 2021, and all I’ve done this year was:

Work.. ^

Mess things up.. ^

Drink.. ^

Lose myself.. ^

Let my parents down.. ^

Every morning I look in the mirror and think “Goddamn man, what happened to me?” ^

^

[vanlllasweet]

I’m sooo beyond sick of the employees at Sonia in Boston/Cambridge lol

[plsstopfollowingme]

“Two months left in 2021, and all I’ve done this year was:

Work.. ^

Mess things up.. ^

Drink.. ^

Lose myself.. ^

Let my parents down.. ^

Every morning I look in the mirror and think “Goddamn man, what happened to me?” ^

^

[that-suicidal-slut]

I forgave someone who wasn’t even sorry. That’s strength.

[vanlllasweet]

All you can do is learn your lesson. There’s no point in wishing you had done it differently. The past is the past; accept it and grow from it.

[vanlllasweet]

May you attract someone who speaks your language, so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.

[vanlllasweet]

#jinkies

[vanlllasweet]

Gotta feeling that I’m not gonna be here, for next year.. So let’s laugh a little before I’m gone

[that-suicidal-slut]

“I just don’t really plan on being here that long” “How do you want your mom and sister to remember you?” “As someone who tried really hard to be someone I couldn’t..”

[that-suicidal-slut]

My mental health deserves and ‘F-’ today.

[vanlllasweet]

All About Eve (1950) dir. Joseph L. Mankiewicz

[vanlllasweet]

“I know that I'm nothing like someone the family want me to be.. If I find a way, would you walk it with me? Look at my face while you talkin' to me, ‘cause we only have one conversation a week. Can I get one conversation at least?”

[vanlllasweet]

It gets worse with age (:

[vanlllasweet]