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september, 4th, 2021

today’s saturday.

yesterday my boss sent me a voice message, talking about what i already know.. i am not giving my best.

i know i am not being my best self, but how can i give my all to a company i hate? to a homophobic, sexist, racist university. i try to be creative and religious enough but i just can’t.

my boss says she wants to see me doing things with passion, like i mean it. but i don’t.

i have to quit, or she’ll eventually let me go.

anyways i will have to let my parents down, they’ll be disappointed.

last week i spent at my friends’ house, it was amazing. i love the city. i feel free, i feel like myself.

i can be myself when i am away from home.

when i think about what i really want, first thing is to find out what i wanna do with my life. i want a job i like, a job i enjoy. i wanna work with art at a company i believe.

i need this job to pay me enough so i can leave my parent’s house. i can’t say this is home. i don’t feel at home when i am here. i can’t be myself when i am here.

so… i am just writting this all here so one day, hopefully, i’ll look at this post and smile cuz i’ll have a job i love, i’ll get enough money to pay my bills. i’ll have my own apartment, i’ll buy the things i like, i’ll travel.

and hopefully i’ll have someone special?

i am hopefull. at least i have that.

yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou

brokenflicker

"I'm not lazy, I'm just tired. and I don't mean because I've been working hard. Not at all. I'm tired from forcing myself to get out of bed everyday. I'm tired of distracting myself from the thoughts in my brain. I'm tired because all my energy is put to surviving and people don't understand that because all they see is how unproductive you are."

— depression is a disease and it's tiring

just-a-lonely-nobody

so, today i woke up feeling like shit, as usual.

loads of work to do, zero motivation.

my boss decided to talk to me about it, about how o am not giving my best and how i need to be better or she’ll have to let me go.. at this point i guess i’d be better with no job. i can’t do things properly.

sometimes i wish i had the courage to quit it, but i know how my family would be disappointed and i am already a disappointment myself.

i have no motivation to get out of bed, let alone work at a company i hate. i don’t know what to do. i just wanna give up, really.

okay i am turning this account into my depression journal, unfollow me if you want.