Van(y) Kruemelkeks

28 / ftm / they he / Cosplayer / Fanfiction author / actual author in progress / Send an ask for fic (smut) requests!

[vanykruemelkeks]

Fic requests

If you have anything in terms of fic ideas/tropes/etc you'd like to read and me to write for you, send me an ask!

My AO3 account:

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

A few things about this.

I only write in English.

Request fics are, usually, unbetaed since my betas are busy with my own ideas. This might change for multi-chapter requests or things I desperately need more eyes on.

Podfics are possible if it's my own work or the OG author is okay with it. I need proof for this.

I only post to AO3.

I will gift it to you via AO3 if possible.

No you don't have to pay for it, but I do this in my own time, in my own time scale and if you aren't nice about it I will stop/never write for you again.

Yes, it's possible to KoFi me (buy me a tea) for them. But it is by no means a requirement. It's just a sweet thing to do if you want to.

Info I'll need in the ask

AO3 name if you want it gifted

fandom

pairing

trope/ storyline

smut yes/no/optional/explicit

Preferences to write / stuff that will be done relatively quickly because I will be hyped for this

Anything else is fully dependent on my mood and patience with it.

Pairings/ Fandom I'm into

Fake dating

Accidental baby acquisition

M/M pairings (if #1 is also the case)

Explicit smut if it's kinky and/or includes the following thing(s):

Gun kink

DP (or higher count)

Toy use

BDSM

Safe word use

Aftercare

Drug induced Dub-con

Gore in kink form

Taboos I will not write/ can not write

No these are not up for discussion.

Fandoms I don't know, if you can't give me a detailed description of setting, fandom, characters and their dynamics. (This should be obvious)

Underage below 14. (Won't)

Smut where one person is 14-17 and one person is 20+. (Won't)

Mommy kink (can't)

Age play (can't)

Pet play (won't)

A/B/O (can't, no idea about this as I don't read it)

Vanilla Sex scenes (honestly, can't 😂)

Safe word disregard (won't)

Parent/child incest (won't - no it doesn't matter if both are 18)

Furries (can't)

Pregnancy/ Breeding kink (can't)

Harahiki (?) disease - the unrequited love flower stuff (can't take it seriously)

scat play (nope)

Foot fetishism (can't)

1st or 2nd person POV (won't)

[tba.]

Anything else is possible/ can be tried. I will inform you if I find I can not write it and stay serious (like with a Daddy kink. Tried. Couldn't keep writing because it threw me into weirded out laughter). In that case I will not write it.

[vanykruemelkeks]

Dreams come multiple times

https://archiveofourown.org/works/86818691/chapters/229817346

Dreams come multiple times

by VanyKruemelPendragon (me)

Summary

It wasn’t uncommon for Jason to want to murder his best friend, Roy. It was something he joked about often, but when the Roy-organised blind date turns out to be the one porn star he had a crush on? The twenty-five to life charge didn’t seem too bad.

Language: English, Words: 9,970, Chapters: 2/2

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: None

Categories: M/M

Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Nightwing (Comics)

Characters: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Roy Harper (mentioned), Wally West (mentioned)

Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd

Additional Tags: Sex Toys, Dirty Talk, Daddy Kink, Pornstar!Dick, au - no superheroes, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Praise Kink, Voice Kink, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff and Smut, gay!jason, Bisexual!Dick, Nipple Play, Nipple Piercings, Lingerie, two version, one - Freeform, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Blow Jobs, Deepthroating, Two - Freeform, Jason Todd Has a Vagina, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, trans!Jason, Oral Sex, Clit Play, BOTH, Aftercare, Multiple Orgasms, not beta read - we die like Jason but don't come back

Shamelessly reposting my own fics.

[sparkle-robin-4]

I think it would be hella funny if the batfamily each came out to Bruce while on patrol like just imagine

Dick, punching the shit outta two face: oh shit B, I never told you I like boys. And girls

Two face: wtf

Batman: Harvey are you.....homophobic?

Two face: WHAT!? No dude, but why did that pop into Robin's head while he was beating the shit outta me???

Dick: shrugs

Batman: Whatever, Robin I support you unconditionally

------

Jason, having just revealed that he is back from the dead, and is , in fact, red hood

Jason: Also I'm gay

Dick: wow. Shocker.

Jason: shut up you fag

Batman: Hood, don't call Nightwing that slur.

Jason: who tf do you think U are?? My dad??

Batman: I'm just glad ur back and I support you.

Jason: hell no old man- (his back from the dead rant/speech continues)

-------

Tim, seconds after crashing the bat mobile

Tim: I'm bi.

Batman: I support you, but what does this have to do with you crashing the bat mobile?

Tim: if you punish me your homophobic.

Dick: dam he got you there B

------

Damian, turning to Bruce while they're patrolling on rooftops

Damian: Father, I like boys and I'm dating Jon Kent

Batman: Alright I suppo- JON KENT!?!?

Damian: yes.

Batman: I-ive let you have sleepovers with your BOYFRIEND????? OH UR SO GROUNDED

-----

Cass, hanging upside down as batgirl

Cass: I like girls

Batman: I support you

--------

Steph, yelling from the other side of an alley

Steph: B! IM BI

Batman: Cool.

Steph: Really? That's it?

Batman: Not a single one of my kids is straight, Steph. None of them.

[vanykruemelkeks]

And neither is he.

[cowboyhatesithere]

Oh! There’s a cool animation when you like pride posts now!

[laterkiss]

happy pride month 🏳️‍🌈

[vanykruemelkeks]

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[ink-the-artist]

i am. quite high rn and unreasonably delighted by the little pride flags that appear when u like queer posts. that shit is so cute

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 54 (masterpost here)

*connecting ping*

Dick: Hood, please tell me you're available right now.

Jason: uh, hey, yeah i'm just puttin' fuel in my bike, all clear. are you ok? i thought you were off duty tonight.

Dick, struggling to hold back laughter: no no, i'm not on patrol and this isn't an emergency. i just got off the phone with B and needed to tell you what he just told me.

*a beat*

Jason: holy fuck what did the kids do?

Dick: *high pitched giggles*

Jason, already amused: which- which one was it? or did they team up?

Dick: *attempts to tamp down laughter* ok, ok hold on... *deep breath* you need to- Jason this one's really good, you need to prepare yourself.

Jason: i'm ready, give it to me.

Dick: so, Bruce just called me on my mobile phone, while i was in the middle of shopping for groceries, very angrily, so he could tell me that our two youngest brothers, our darling Duke and magnificent Damian, have gotten themselves banned from the Watchtower.

Jason, snickering: okaay? B bans them from everything all the time, it doesn't mean anything.

Dick, gleeful: no no, Jason you aren't understanding me here. when i say they're banned from the Watchtower, i don't mean Bruce grounded them for a week; i mean- *slight wheeze* i mean Clarkothy Kenneth himself has pulled Bruce aside and told him that Signal and Robin are no longer allowed on the premises,

Jason: *starts laughing, steadily increasing in volume*

Dick: -because they- *loud wheeze* *high-pitched* because they have proven themselves to be a danger to the Justice League.

Jason: *uncontrollable wheezes* what did they- what did they do?!

Dick: B said that- *cackling* *deep breath* B said that Barry used his super speed to win a- a thumb war, against Duke. and afterwards he said 'better luck next time, squirt', and i guess-

Jason: *wheeze*

Dick: -yeah i guess Duke was already in a bad mood, and he didn't appreciate the condescending nature of the whole thing?

Jason: to be fair Barry can be- like he's the asshole uncle.

Dick: oh for sure. and he does it with Damian a lot, which i get why- it's understandable that seeing him do the same shit to Duke made Damian go like- ok well here's my chance to gain an ally.

Jason: in his- *wheeze* in his war against the Flash,

Dick: exac- *choking wheezes*

Jason, high-pitched, slightly muffled: so what- what did they do?

Dick: Bruce said- Bruce said they lured him into one of the outer rooms- *choking* they tried to- they tried to ej- *wheeze*

Jason, barely breathing: w-hat?

Dick, weeping: they tried to- they tried to eject him into space-, *broken wheezes*

Jason: *barely breathing* THEY- *silent gasps*

*silence for fifteen seconds, except for the sound of both men struggling to breathe through laughter*

Dick: n he- *whimper* Barry had to call Clark for help because they locked him in and then tried to open a fuckin' window; Duke said they wouldn't let him in again unless he won another thumb war, and when Barry said 'how am i supposed to do that if i can't reach your hand?' *cough* Damian- Damian went 'better luck next time squirt' and tried to decompress the chamber-!

Jason: i can't- *struggling to breathe* i can't-

Dick: *unintelligible weeping*

Jason: what is wrong with them?

Dick: i'm so mad we weren't that funny when we were their age,

Jason: like how do you even come up with that-?!

Dick, still giggling: they tried to kill the Flash, Jason. Bruce said he cried.

Jason: *loses his shit*

[frightfullytreeish]

dear everyone on tumblr who needs to host images elsewhere (e.g. to embed on ao3 etc), please give squidge a go!! it's free, it's nonprofit and it's geared towards fandom so nsfw images won't get deleted!! and please stop using imgur if you can because they blocked the uk rather than acquiesce to the fucking internet safety laws, which I can't really hold against em but it does mean all imgur pictures just show up as big purple boxes now

[blogquantumreality]

Squidge! Holy blast from the past, Batman. The last time I remember even looking at that site was... eons ago.

( Oh, what was I reading? The Quartz Key. Yes, it's m/m. )

[beatrice-otter]

Not only is Squidge still around, it's expanded and grown! It is still run by the same guy, though now it's a nonprofit with a board and everything, and while they maintain all the old squidge sites as static archives, they have a new multifandom archive using the AO3 code at squidgeworld.org. They also host podfics and fanart.

For those younguns in the crowd, back in the day erotic fanworks--especially slash--was not welcome very many places. Walter was willing to host it, and has been a haven for NSFW fanworks since 1994. The various archives and so on hosted at squidge.org were never very large, compared to lots of other archives, but they were a necessary part of the fannish ecosystem, and I'm really glad that there is now a structure in place to keep the whole system running beyond just "Walter's a great guy willing to donate lots of time and money." Walter is a great guy! but like. it's good to have other people to help out and keep things going in the long run.

[vanykruemelkeks]

And with that I shall henceforth use squidge.

[scottishaccentsareawesome]

Caesar (entering the senate meeting):….Guys, you wouldn’t believe the morning I’ve had. I spilled wine on myself at breakfast, had to spend an extra long time finding a clean toga because apparently the maid hadn’t done the laundry yet - she is SO fired, btw. The commute here was terrible, and on top of everything, I’m having kind of a bad hair day. Ugh…! I mean, seriously, just kill me now…!

All the other senators at the meeting: …..

[the-punforgiven]

See, the problem for me when it comes to armor in fantasy is when it's written by people who don't know how armor works, it doesn't make any sense as to why anyone would be wearing it, y'know?

Like, if it's simultaneously incredibly restrictive and heavy but also so thin and weak any halfway trained fighter can slash clean through it with a sword, then why on earth would anybody be wearing it?

Like genuinely I think plate armor might be the most nerfed piece of equipment in the entire fantasy genre, straight-up

[the-punforgiven]

Plate armor is immune to slashing damage. Straight-up.

Chainmail is also immune to slashing damage, and despite not having the structural rigidity of plate, still diffuses blunt force a bit.

The straps holding the armor together are typically on the inside. Beneath the plates.

And even then the few on the outside are made of pretty tough leather that can't be severed by a single sword swing. You'd have to go at it for ages to get through.

Maces, hammers, ect. are WAY less effective against armor than you think they are.

Even the heaviest armor is lighter than you think it is, and were often tailored to be easy to move in.

Most of the armor that was worn on the battlefield weighed about as much as the gear of a modern-day soldier or fireman

"Parade" armor and "ceremonial" armor is still armor. Function and form were not as separate in earlier centuries as we tend to think.

It was pretty easy to sprint and climb in armor, actually. Even after just a few days of training you get used to it quick

Anyone with a halfway decent helm can often block a knife to the throat or eyes by tilting their head slightly.

A lot of breastplates had a ridge above the collarbone that'd stop a dagger before it reaches the throat, if someone tried to get to it from beneath the maille covering.

A lot of armor had multiple layers of maille protecting the throat and groin. You're not getting through that much maille on your first thrust. At least not with a little dagger

The lames (segmented plates) on armor were usually fit too tight to get a blade through, on cuirasses especially

The wings on poleyns (sticky-out-y bits on the sides of the knee) were there to protect the backs of the knees by catching blades that got too close. And they worked.

Armor was often hardened, good-quality steel. You can't dent, puncture, or break it without considerable and repeated effort. Even with heavy-draw longbows. Even with period accurate guns. A lot of Renaissance armor was shot point-blank with a pistol shortly after being made to test its effectiveness, and would only be sold if the bullet didn't penetrate

(Though there was of course lower quality armor that didn't withstand that level of punishment, everything ever made by anyone is limited to the resources and skill of its maker)

Armor was actually different thicknesses at different places in the plate, and were especially thick where they were hit the most.

Plenty of poor people had armor. Yes armor was expensive, but it was an investment. Cars are expensive in the modern day, but plenty of poor people have them, too. Same sort of concept.

And even then, a lot of poorer fighters had armor that was passed down from generation to generation. That shit's made to be tough, and it was. Lasting multiple generations was pretty common for armor. As evidenced by how much of it we still have after CENTURIES

Also, you don't have to buy a whole suit of armor right off the bat, often it was built up over time, starting with the essentials (Breastplate and helmet) and getting more protection down the line as you can afford it

Armor had to be oiled so as to not rust, but blackening it or painting it would also prevent rust, and would do so longer-term. Painted armor was common among lower-class fighters as it was often the cheapest option. Armor that's just shiny, unpainted, unblackened steel was rarer than we think it was

and again. Maces and hammers didn't do nearly as much as you think they did.

Armor as we think of it was the culmination of centuries of engineers and metalworkers all designing and optimizing their equipment for a single purpose: to stop the wearer from dying. Nobody would be wearing it if it didn't do its job.

[papayafromtv]

there’s gotta be a world where independent adult dick grayson, upon realising that he was the ONLY batkid that was simply a ‘ward’ rather than a legally adopted child of bruce wayne, kicks up a fuss. bruce, baffled and tired of dick’s shit, is just incredulous because ‘i thought we both agreed i wasn’t exactly father material when i took you in anyway?!?! you used to tell people at school i was your estranged older cousin?!?’ but dick’s pissed off because this is FAVOURITISM to EVERY BATKID BUT HIM and he will not let it go.

so, tired, bruce gives up. he goes ‘ok well that’s fine, if that’s what you want we can do that, you can technically adopt an adult anyway,’ and prepares the papers to make dick his legal son. timothy drake, thinking it would be really fucking funny, switches the documents out for a marriage contract.

surely bruce will check before they sign and it would just be a little haha joke before tim gives them the real adoption papers.

right?

anyway bruce and dick accidentally become legal married partners. dick, jason, and tim genuinely find that fact so Fucking Funny that they refuse to let bruce annul it. bruce is having a fucking conniption while jason tim and damian are straight faced walking around the manor calling dick ‘mom’ specifically because they know it pisses bruce off. bruce is so done with his kids. he gives up. who gives a fuck what the law says, he’s a fucking vigilante he doesn’t have time for this bullshit; the joke entertains his kids for a couple weeks and that’s good enough for him so he forgets.

for the most part, the joke fades away for the kids too. dick being the legal partner of bruce wayne is barely mentioned. it’s not fucking relevant for one thing, because dick is still one of bruce’s kids and it’s not real. just a cheap joke that gets brought up for shits and giggles during the occasional dinner/patrol meeting.

and then one day civilian dick grayson gets in an accident and is taken to hospital. an hour later a nurse at gotham central hospital goes viral.

[vanykruemelkeks]

THIS IS PERFECTION WHAT

[writtengriffin]

[shartberries]

Hell yea happy Dickjay Week 2026!

March 15 (Day 1) - DC vs. Vampires | Forced Proximity | Heartbeat Kink | Jason Reluctantly Accepting Comfort

[vanykruemelkeks]

I personally think it very poetic that we have Ides of March and the beginning of the shipping week of the pairing in the Batfam that is MOST LIKELY to stab each other when they're arguing/mad/slightly inconvenienced/fucking is hilarious.

[mayasaura]

I'm doing my part!!

[mayasaura]

I feel like it really adds something to know that this coffee shop was right next to the state capitol building. There is a non-zero chance one of these lattes ended up in the senate chamber.

[mayasaura]

Congratulations, you've unlocked the secret nerd bonus! I actually ended up texting a friend who specializes in the early Roman empire for advice on designing this special.

Honey and almond are pretty self-explanatory, as honey and nuts both figured heavily in Roman desserts. Cinnamon, meanwhile, means dead rich guy. It was insanely expensive to obtain, and the wealthiest of Romans used it to scent funeral pyres, so that the smell of burning cinnamon would cover the scent of cremation.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 43 (masterpost here)

Dick: -i will tell you one thing about my childhood, and that is i have never once called Bruce dad.

Jason: i did call him daddy once when i was thirteen, but it was to piss him off.

Dick, fondly: oh yeah, i remember that.

Jason: yeah i used a real sexy sultry voice and did it in front of four potential WE investors and he wouldn't let me patrol with him for a week.

Tim: Jason, you're a horrible human being.

Jason: no, what was horrible was when Bruce was visibly displeased with me trying to cat-call him in public, i said 'alright fine, be unappreciative, i'll find a new man', and then i turned to Dick and called him daddy to piss Bruce off further, and without missing a beat Dick matched my tone of voice and went *coy, flirtatious tone* 'well hello to you too, baby boy, you wanna come home with me?'

Tim: *bursts out laughing*

Dick: listen- LISTEN. we had a PACT. we PROMISED each other that if one of us started a bit at a gala, the the other HAD TO CARRY IT ON WITHOUT QUESTION. I WAS TRAPPED.

Jason: yeah Bruce was like, really mad at us the next day, because some of the newspapers started printing us on the front pages with theories that i was like- brought in as the Wayne-Family-Concubine or something.

Dick, sombre: the pack omega.

Jason: the pa-*loud cackles* *struggling to breath* you- you piece of shit- *wheeze*

Tim: *uncontrollable laughing*

Dick: i'm just saying-

Jason: *cackling* fucking- don't say that shit out loud. don't bring forth that idea. don't let the people of Gotham hear that shit and add it to their Gotham-elite fanfiction headcanons,

Dick: *wheezes* I HAVE THE GET THE IDEA OUT THERE SOMEHOW HOOD, IT'S A SEVERELY LACKING TROPE.

Jason: FUCK YOU-!

Tim, through giggles: you guys are such fucking weirdos,

Damian, deadly serious: if... you... two... start talking... about fucking fanfiction again... i am going to cut off your legs and drop you both in the harbour.

Tim: *cackling*

Dick: this child is not down with the ao3 culture.

Jason: wait till he finds out what a lemon is,

Damian: i can swing to your location in under five minutes. fucking try me.

Jason: -this coming from the anime enjoyer is insane, by the way.

Tim and Dick: *burst out laughing*

[magicratfingers]

oh my god what’s behind you

where

*sshhhhh*

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Ceasar has been dead for 2064 slutty, slutty years

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Caesar has been dead for 2065 slutty, slutty years

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Caesar has been dead for 2066 slutty, slutty years

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Caesar has been dead for 2067 slutty, slutty years

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Caesar has been dead for 2068 slutty, slutty years

[rave-lord-nito]

Julius Caesar has been dead for 2069 (nice) slutty, slutty years