Hollanov — Canon Universe One Shot
Title: even on bad days ♡
Warning: depiction of depression, negative self talk. (I promise it’s a bit of hurt/comfort & domestic fluff.)
“Yes, it’s scary. But you’re brave.”
-Connor Storrie as Ilya Rozanov, Heated Rivalry S1, Episode 6
Today was a bad day. Ilya woke up to an impending feeling of sadness and doom. His mind was crowded with negativity and voices of disapproval.
You’re lazy. You’re not working hard enough. You’re an embarrassment. You’ve disappointed me. You’re not worthy of what you have. You’re a burden.
The noise is loud. Never ending and on a loop. His body is tired from fighting the demons in his mind. He wants to rot away in bed and never get up again.
It’s early, the sun is peaking through cracks in the blinds covering the floor to ceiling windows of the cottage. They haven’t even been here for two days and Ilya feels like he’s ruined their three weeks off. Ilya rolls over and pulls Shane into him because he wants to be close to him. He needs to feel grounded and Shane is his anchor. Ilya nods off for a bit before Shane stirs awake.
Shane rolls over to face his husband and is instantly concerned. He tosses his arms around Ilya and pulls him in. He runs his fingers through his hair, lightly rubbing his scalp. It was exactly what Ilya needed. He needed to be loved and adored right now and Shane knew how to make him feel all those things. Ilya lets out a shuttering sigh willing his tears away but Shane must sense something is wrong because he tightens his grip and kisses Ilya’s forehead.
“Bad day?” Shane asks quietly.
Ilya swallows the lump in his throat. “Yes.” is all he can get out. He is too exhausted and overwhelmed to say anything else. Shane squeezes him tightly before turning over to grab his phone from the night stand. He types out a message and hits send before putting it down and turning back to Ilya.
“I texted mom and dad to see if they can take care of Anya,” Shane says. Ilya uses all his energy to nod. Shane’s phone pings and he reads it. “They’re coming to get her in a few minutes. I’ll be right back.”
Shane gets out of bed and calls Anya to him. They leave the room to go meet Shane’s parents. Ilya feels so much guilt that Shane’s parents have to take Anya. He hates that Shane has to even ask them for help. He feels helpless and weak. He’s supposed to be the strong one and he’s not.
Ilya lies there listening to Shane move around, getting Anya’s stuff together, making coffee and food. He hears the front door open and Yuna comes into the house to take Anya. She doesn’t say much to Shane except that she’ll bring Anya back tomorrow. He hears her leave and Shane starts making noise in the kitchen again.
A few minutes later, Ilya hears Shane come into their room and put something heavy down on the dresser. Ilya doesn’t even move his head or open his eyes. He hears the blinds slowly start to open and sunlight starts pouring into the room. Ilya opens his eyes a little to look out at the lake. Even on bad days, Ilya finds peace in the view of the lake. He wishes he didn’t feel so bad today because it was a beautiful day to go out on the jet skis. He hates himself for ruining it. They only get three weeks off a year and he already decided he ruined the summer for them.
Shane walks over to his side of the bed and leans down and kisses him on the forehead.
“I know you probably don’t want to,” Shane says. “But I brought you something to eat.”
Ilya nods. Shane takes his hand and threads their fingers together.
“Some food might help. Plus you need your medicine.”
Slowly, Ilya sits up. Shane gives him a soft smile before heading towards the dresser to grab the food he made for Ilya.
“You hate eating in bed,” Ilya says, exhaustion heavy in his voice.
“I can make an exception,” Shane says, handing him a bowl of oatmeal with fruit, and a cup with his pill in it. Shane moves to his side of the bed and sips his coffee. Ilya eats but it tastes like nothing. It tastes like nothing at all but he eats it because Shane made it for him. When he’s done, he washes it down with an antidepressant. The emptiness in his heart is still there and an unbearable weight of sadness weighs on his brain. He knows how lucky he is and how loved he is but he is broken. And broken people are not worthy of luck or love.
Shane cleans up everything and takes it to the kitchen. Ilya lies back down and stares at the ceiling. He hates being alone with his thoughts especially now. He hates that Shane has to bring him food in bed and remind him to take his pill. Shane never complains but somehow Ilya still thinks Shane deserves better than him. He wonders why Shane stays with him and wonders if one day he’ll figure out that Ilya is not worth the stress, and leave. Shane deserves so much better.
You’re not worthy of what you have.
Ilya’s eyes fill with tears but he doesn’t let them fall. He wills them to go away. He is already being too much, crying would make him feel worse. Quietly Shane comes back into the room and climbs back into bed. He rests his head on Ilya’s chest, their legs tangled in the sheets and Ilya idly draws circles on Shane’s back. His head is heavy and his soul is weary.
“You should enjoy the sun,” Ilya mumbles.
“I want to stay here with you,” Shane responds, pressing a kiss to Ilya’s chest.
“You shouldn’t,” Ilya responds, exhaustedly.
“Well I’m here, and not going anywhere,” Shane responds. “Ya lyublyu tebya bol’she zhizni.”
Ilya smiles sadly and a single tear springs free from his eye. Shane learned Russian for him and used it whenever he wanted Ilya to feel cherished. He needed to hear those beautiful words today. He lets out a shuttered breath and Shane lifts his head to see Ilya was crying.
“I’m sorry,” Ilya whispers.
“Don’t ever be sorry, Ilya,” Shane responds. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I do,” he responds, crying a bit harder. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your love. And you don’t deserve to have to deal with me.”
“Hey,” Shane whispers, pulling Ilya’s chin towards him. “For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish.”
Shane kisses Ilya hard and pulls him into a hug. Ilya tenses then relaxes into his husband. He breathes in deep to calm himself. The scent of Shane’s body wash floods his senses and pulls him back into the moment. He feels Shane’s tight grip around him and feels his warmth. His Shane is the kindest person he’s ever met and could make even the meanest people be kind. He loved him for that. He loved him for a lot of things and reasons. Ilya’s mind quiets for the first time since he opened his eyes. His mind is nothing but crashing waves and Shane is the anchor that is keeping him from drifting away. Exhausted from all the feelings and emotions, Ilya starts to fall asleep.
“I love you,” Shane whispers as Ilya drifts off to sleep.
Ilya wakes a few hours later still in Shane’s arms. He feels safe here and if he could, he’d never leave. He’d stay there forever. Shane brushes a kiss to his forehead and Ilya gives him a small, sad smile.
“Do you want to get up? Maybe watch a movie?” Shane asks, running his fingers through Ilya’s hair.
“Nothing sad,” he responds.
“Of course,” Shane laughs. He helps Ilya out of bed and the head to the living room. Shane picks out a random rom-com for them to watch. Ilya settles between his legs, his back to Shane’s chest, and Shane tosses a blanket around them. They watch the movie quietly. The noise in Ilya’s head has dulled but the fog still remains.
When the movie ends, Shane makes them dinner. He makes soup because he knows Ilya will stomach it. After they eat, Shane convinces Ilya to watch another boring movie. He enjoys this one though and he catches himself laughing.
Ilya showers while Shane puts clean linen on the bed. Shane said it would be nice to crawl into a clean bed plus they ate in bed earlier in the day. Ilya stares at himself in the mirror. He hates that he has his father’s eyes. He hates that he looks so weak. He hates that he isn’t the husband Shane needs right now.
He hates himself. He hates the man looking back at him in the mirror. It hurts so much. It feels like a physical blow to the gut. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring until Shane hugs him from behind. It snaps him out of the mind numbing trace he was in.
“The bed's clean and ready,” Shane says, kissing Ilya’s shoulder. He nods because speaking feels so exhausting again.
Shane helps Ilya get into bed before closing the blinds and shutting the lamps off. He makes sure there is water on Ilya’s night stand in case he gets thirsty in the middle of the night. Shane crawls into bed and spoons Ilya, whispering words of affirmation until they both fall asleep.
Ilya wakes up before sunrise. The noise in his head has quieted but the fog is still heavy. He misses his mom today. He dreamt that she got to meet Shane and they loved each other last night. He wishes that it could be a reality but life is cruel and unfair.
He quietly gets up and heads out towards the back sliding door. He puts in his flip flops and one of Shane’s light sweatshirts. He walks down to the rocks at the edge of the lake and sits down to watch the sunrise and talk to his mom.
“Mama, I miss you,” he says in Russian. “These past two days have felt so long. Mama, I’m so tired.”
He paused, taking a deep breath.
“I don’t deserve him. He looks at me like I hung the moon, and I feel like I don’t give him what he needs. I burden him instead.” He takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. “He’s the only thing that grounds me. He brings me back when I’m too close to the edge.”
“I’m lost,” he whispers. “I’ve lost my way and he’s the beacon of light that brings me home. And I’ll follow his light anywhere… to the ends of the earth.”
“I wish you could’ve met him, Mama. He is my purpose. He’s the reason I work so hard to stay.” Tears streak Ilya’s cheeks as he looks over the lake. A bird lands in the tree next to him. A beautiful red cardinal sits on a branch. He smiles to himself as his tears silently fall.
“I love you, Mama.” Ilya says, rubbing his mother’s cross between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry I can’t visit you anymore. But I’m glad you have found a way to visit me.” He stares at the cardinal for a moment longer before it takes off in flight.
Ilya wipes his tears and continues to watch the sun rise over the lake. He doesn’t hear Shane walk up but he feels the blanket put around his shoulders. Shane kisses his cheek and hands him a cup of perfectly made coffee.
Ilya gives him a small smile, “A better day.”
Shane smiles, “I’ll take it.”
Ilya kisses his husband. Thankful to have him. He is lucky and loved. He is worthy of being loved. Shane loves him unconditionally and irrevocably. Ilya can’t put into words in Russian or in English how much he loves Shane, but shows it anyway he can.
“Ya tebya lyublyu, moya lyubov,” Ilya says between kisses. “Ya lyublyu tebya bol'she vsego na svete.”
“I love you today. I love you tomorrow. I love you forever,” Shane responds. “Even on bad days.”
Together, they watch the sun rise over their favorite place on earth. Together they would weather the storm that is life and face all the challenges that came their way.
Quietly, the cardinal perched itself in the tree beside them and watched the sun rise, too.
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